Blurring the Lines

by Mia Josephs

  “Maybe I’ve taken one too many hits.” Corinne let her eyes fall closed as she leaned against the counter.

  “Maybe you’re looking for blows where there aren’t any. I know that facing Jaxen is the last thing you want to do, but what if all he wants is to see Jonah? What if…” Heather paused, almost like she wasn’t going to continue, but she would. Heather never left a thought unfinished. “What if he’s an asshole, but he’s not a diabolical asshole.”

  Corinne snorted. “Right.”

  “No. What if he really does just want to say ‘hi.’ I know that’s stressing you out, but it might be one thing to get off your plate, you know? Because your plate is pretty damn full of crap right now.”

  “And what if he wants him?” Corinne countered.

  “Yeah…” Heather rinsed out the rag. Both friends had been better at talking when they had something to do. She started wiping on the other side of the sink. “I’m saying I love that you live out here, but we’re your only neighbors. Jonah just started going to school. You’re not actually friends with anyone you work with or teach aside from me. I mean you have friends, but none close enough to actually share things with. Are you really living?”

  “My heart hurts.” Corinne pressed a hand to her chest. “So much of the time. Hurts over Jaxen and the future I could have had and hurts over John and my sister and the accident. Hurts over what Jonah deserves in his life.”

  Heather dropped the rag and leaned against the fridge next to Corinne, resting their arms together. “Just remember that sort of the worst things happened and you didn’t burst into flames.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re all over the Internet, and I’m sure that’ll die down fairly soon, but you’re here. No one’s camped at the end of your driveway, and even if they were, it wouldn’t last long. You survived.”

  Survived. Yeah. Corinne had survived a lot, but maybe that wasn’t enough. “I don’t want to just survive.”

  “Then you need to really figure out how you want to live because I think you’ve been pretending for longer than we realized. And why not talk to Jonah? I know you don’t want to worry him or stress him out, but he’s been through a lot. He’s tougher than most five year-olds. Find a way to tell him what’s going on, but keep it on his level and make him feel like he has a say in all this.”

  “The thought of him spending any time with Jaxen and without me… I can’t…” She crumpled at the thought of it. Jaxen had no idea what to do with a kid, and she couldn’t imagine letting him go without her. Ever.

  “Yeah. Okay. Do you think Jaxen will disappear again? Do you think he’ll call?”

  Corinne shrugged. “I’ve kept my phone off.”

  Heather shifted her weight, and Corinne held up her hand.

  “You don’t even have to say it. I know. I know. I’m pathetic. I’m just…”

  “Scared.”

  “Terrified,” Corinne corrected. “Terrified. Jonah is what I have.” On top of that she wasn’t sure how she’d hold up if Chris had sent her messages. Probably not well.

  “Have you heard Chris’ new songs?”

  “I think so. I helped him write more than half of them.” Corinne shoved her hair back, pulling it into a loose ponytail.

  “The Grace one?” Heather asked.

  Grace? Corinne shook her head. “I’m guessing I should be in a decent head space when I listen to it, huh?”

  Heather pushed off and walked for the front door with an odd smirk on her face. “Something like that.”

  The night should have felt like flying, and it did. Sort of. Kickoff for the tour. Donovan warmed the crowd up with his easy smile, clever stories, and interesting songs. Chris had come in and played the last few songs with him, making the crowd go insane. That was what he lived for. What he loved. What kept him from being a shell of a normal guy.

  It wasn’t working.

  He’d put off performing Saving Grace and he kept getting shouts from the crowd. Wondered if Corinne had heard it yet. Knew he wouldn’t be able to get away with not singing her song. Saved it for last.

  He tapped the face of the guitar a few times as he stared at his feet, the crowd nearly silent with him aside from an occasional I love you! Play Grace! You rock man!

  And then Chris let the feeling of her and of the song wash over him before starting the first line, his voice almost raspy tired after the long performance.

  Kicked down…

  His fingers moved easily over the riff as the crowd went insane

  ...so low…

  The rest of the riff.

  ...and only a woman, can let me go…

  ...lifted up…

  ...so high…

  More finger work on the strings, so automatic now he didn’t even think about it.

  ...and only a woman, can make me fly…

  The guitar picked up here, and he tried not to feel the words. To not feel how he felt in the moments he wrote this song, but he was pulled right back to Corinne’s living room—the smell of warm spices and the warmth from the fireplace.

  ...to make a mess of me, to see the best in me, for the rest of me, come set me free…

  Silence. Him. The guitar. The crowd, holding their breath for the finish.

  ...only a woman…

  ...only you…

  ...my saving grace...

  Tears pressed against his eyes as he finished, and instead of sticking around like he was supposed to for the overlap with Lita (he’d deal with Lita killing him later) he gave one last wave and a thanks and shouted a few other things and then walked offstage, guitar in hand.

  The second Max came into view Chris stopped. “I’m not doing that song again.”

  “Yes,“ Max said. “You are.”

  He stared at Max for a moment longer letting it sink in. Of course he knew he had to perform his lead song, but it had to get easier than this. Had to.

  TWENTY SIX

  Corinne held her phone in the silence of her house and winced as she turned it back on. Slowly the dings, buzzes and beeps stopped and she surveyed the damage.

  Facebook had been removed, so that was one less thing to worry about. There were several hundred missed phone calls, which meant people were digging and trying to figure out who she was, or knew who she was and wanted to talk, or… Or a lot of different things.

  She opened her voicemails and skimmed over one unknown number after another. Her mother’s number showed up twice, and then Christian Meyer

  Of course he’d call. Of course.

  Could she? Nearly four weeks had gone by and she still wasn’t sure how she felt about any of what happened between them. It was pure torture knowing he’d been playing in Seattle. That he’d been an hour away. But still…she’d held on to her resolve to protect herself. To protect Jonah.

  The first few raindrops hit the window and she slouched lower in her chair near the fire. She scrolled to the first message Chris had left and hit play.

  “Don’t do this Corinne,” he begged. “Please. I love you. I don’t care if you’re not ready to hear it. That’s my truth. I love you. I can’t even…right now I can’t imagine a future without you in it because it makes me feel like my heart will collapse in my chest. I love you. That has to mean something. Tell me it means something.”

  She hit end, unable to listen to more. Were all three like that? She erased every voicemail on her phone without daring to look and took a deep breath in, holding it in her chest and then slowly releasing the air. She hoped that her shoulders falling would help her mind calm down and her body relax, and it did, but not nearly enough.

  The rain started slamming to her roof and windows, the afternoon growing a few shades darker as she stared outside at the water drops bouncing on her porch.

  What was her biggest obstacle?

  Jonah.

  Simple. She wanted him to be able to grow up in peace. She didn’t want to worry all the time that his birth father would try to pull something with the cour
ts. She didn’t want to subject him to the kind of scrutiny that kids who grow up in the public eye would have to face. She didn’t want him to lose anyone else. What if he and Jaxen got close and then Jaxen got bored? Too many horrific possibilities to think about.

  Jaxen.

  Could she?

  Corinne hadn’t fully formulated what she was moving toward, but had to do something. Since coming home it had been day by day and... horrible. Maybe facing the worst of it would help.

  She went through her phone contacts until she found Max and texted quickly asking

  I need to get a hold of Jaxen. That’s all.

  She wouldn’t have to tell Max not to tell Chris. He wouldn’t. Corinne knew that Max would help her first. She trusted that.

  She had a number two minutes later.

  Okay.

  She checked the clock, two hours until Jonah came home.

  Okay.

  Okay.

  She pushed out a breath and dialed.

  “I don’t know this number, so this better not be a fuckin’ prank.” Unmistakably Jaxen.

  “It’s Corinne. No prank.”

  “Cori!” His voice lightened. “I’m...surprised, but not surprised.”

  “What does that mean?” she asked slowly, taking a deep breath in. The wash of air in her lungs left her feeling stronger, making her wonder how long she’d been holding her breath.

  “They all come find me at some point. Women do. Looking for resolution, or…”

  “This isn’t about you.” Her voice came out calm and even, the opposite of how she felt. “Or me, really.”

  “Then… What can I do for you?”

  “You’re my worst fear.” She clamped her hand over her mouth but the words were out.

  Jaxen laughed a large, full laugh and a rush of memories flooded her mind. Good ones. Fantastic ones. Magical ones. Backstage. Limos. Beaches. Kisses. Singing. Guitars. Crowds.

  Corinne relaxed.

  “What I meant was… Jonah. My son.”

  “Our son,” he said slowly.

  “Mine,” she corrected. “I was mad at first, but I don’t want you to have any part in his life. Or in mine. None.”

  “And you’re calling to tell me this, why?”

  “Because you said you wanted to see him, and I’ve lost too much. I won’t lose him. You didn’t—”

  “Corinne.” Jaxen’s voice stopped her. “You have to understand that in my position, I’m on this phone assuming you want money or something.”

  “No, no money.”

  “Then are you really calling me just to ask me to leave you alone?” He chuckled.

  Rage grabbed at her, tightened her chest and stomach. And then… Suddenly this big, scary, monster turned into a human again. Just like he’d been human before she knew who he was, and human again after they’d been together a while. “I guess. Yes.”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  Was it really going to be this easy? “That’s what I want.”

  A few beats of silence passed before he spoke again.

  “If he… If he wants to know who I am, will you tell him?” Jaxen asked. His words came out stuttered and uncertain.

  “Do you want me to?” she asked her throat swelling in emotions she couldn’t place. This was what she wanted. To feel like Jaxen was sincere. To feel like she had control.

  “Yeah.” His voice was quiet, low. “Yeah. When he’s ready. Or when he wants to meet me, I’d like to know him, but…”

  “But?”

  “Now I know why you called.”

  “You do?” Even she was only half-certain.

  “You think I’m going to try and swoop in and take the kid?”

  “I…” Yes. Exactly that.

  “I’m not going to take a kid from his mother—not someone like you, Cori.”

  “Thanks Jax.” She slumped even further in her chair. “I know this is weird.”

  “It was weird seeing you again. You disappeared off the map. Disappeared.”

  “Yes,” Corinne agreed. “I did. I needed to.”

  “And life is treating you well?” he asked. “I saw you with Christian Meyer. Talented guy. I hear his tour is going well.”

  “I’m writing for him.” Or was…

  “Is that all?” Jaxen teased, already falling into his easy relaxed way of being around everyone.

  “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I'm very determined to keep my safe life, safe. Christian is not at all safe.”

  Jaxen laughed. “My guess is that we’ll be bumping into one another sooner rather than later, and when you’re ready, I’d like to meet my son. Not before.”

  “You’re not as horrible as you were when I was throwing darts at your picture,” Corinne said.

  He chuckled. “I’m sure it was well deserved. Whatever I did. I need to run. Been nice catching up.”

  “Yeah.” And she hit end. And stared again at the rain turning everything outside grey. Jaxen didn’t even remember the details. I’m sure it was well-deserved. Whatever I did. How much time and energy and emotion had she used up thinking about Jaxen?

  Too much.

  Way too much.

  The first sob of relief hit her body. She’d held in so much fear over one person. And that was over. Over. Corinne pulled her knees to her chest gripping them tightly and letting herself cry.

  Chris dreaded days off. Too much time for thinking. Too much time for wanting things he shouldn’t have.

  A knock at his door was followed almost immediately by Donovan. “I rented bikes.”

  “Bikes?” Chris asked.

  “Motorcycles,” Donovan corrected. “Max said you used to ride.”

  Chris nodded.

  “And I’m missing…home, and you’re…”

  Chris laughed. “I’m a damn mess. You can say it. Wishing I could get high. Like always.”

  Chris opened his mouth to thank Donovan for slacking off on the drinking he knew Donovan must have done before the tour. And probably the weed. With Lita and Griffin practically attached at the hip, they hadn’t been the best companions.

  “I still can’t believe I have a key to Christian Meyer’s suite.” Donovan tapped the room key. “And yeah. I thought we’d get out of here. Go see the…Midwest.”

  “Straight lines and no hills. Sounds like a boring ride, but I’ll take it.” Chris stood, ready for anything to keep his mind occupied.

  Donovan grinned a wicked smile. “Nah. I found a track. That’s where we’re headed. We are in Detroit. They love their engines.”

  Track riding. Yeah… That might help.

  He flipped his phone over in his hands and did a quick check of his messages.

  Nothing.

  The total silence was something he was going to have to get used to. A life without Corinne was something he might have to get used to.

  “Ready?” Donovan asked.

  “Get me the hell out of here.” Chris slapped Donovan’s shoulder on their way out the door.

  “I can do that.”

  No way he’d be surviving and staying sober without Donovan along. No way.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Corinne sat on her porch, listening to the rain ping on the metal roof that shaded the porch. Peaceful. She’d never minded the constant rain that Seattle winter’s brought. She’d probably get snow any day and then her world would change again.

  This peace was what she wanted. What she’d wanted since she realized the downsides of what she thought she wanted.

  Chris wouldn’t be able to protect her. Jaxen hadn’t cared to. He’d paraded her around like he had with so many others.

  Her mom’s car came slowly up the drive as she stared into the grey day wishing she were at work instead of home and wallowing in uncertainty.

  “Hello, Grace.” Her mom stepped carefully out of her Mercedes and tip toed across Corinne’s gravel driveway.

  “Hey, Mom.” She kicked her feet up on an extra chair.

  Corinne
’s mom touched the side of her head, tucking a stray bit of nearly black hair back in place. “Heather said you were feeling down.”

  Oh, right. So her mom came because her best friend said she might need someone.

  Corinne watched her mom sit—so much of her mom’s features were echoed in her own face and in her sister’s face. She ached for her sister when she was around family.

  She was sure her mom felt the same way.

  “Impossible situations.” Corinne sighed. “That’s all.”

  “You are very good at those.” Her mother frowned at the wooden chair and carefully sat on the edge, tucking her raincoat underneath her. Can’t ruin the pants, Corinne thought.

  “Yes, Mom. I’m great at them. Thank you.” Corinne closed her eyes. “I’m just… I’m going through a thing right now. I’ll be fine. I just need time.”

  Time. Everything took time to get over. To get under. To find the strength to move forward. Corinne had started to hate time.

  She couldn’t pinpoint a moment when she was over Jaxen. She didn’t miss him anymore. Didn’t love him. But the fact that he didn’t want Jonah still sent a fire through her that ached. Knowing how simply she had been discarded hung with her heart in a way she didn’t expect. It wasn’t the man that made her hurt, it was the rejection. The not being wanted.

  And then she was wanted. By a wonderful man with a big heart. One who understood why she’d given her sister a son. Why she’d left home at seventeen. Why she wanted so badly the quiet life he’d offered. And in one swoop he, her sister, and her sister’s husband were all taken from her.

  Corinne sniffed, blinked and quickly dabbed at her eyes.

  “Are you going to run away from us again?” her mother asked quietly.

  “No.” Corinne turned to face her mom. “No, I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I wondered. With you and the new rock star.”

  The new rock star. As opposed to the old one. Corinne never knew how to take her mother.

  “I was there long enough to help with his music, Mom. That’s all.” She sniffed again.

  “Oh.” her mom smiled. “Right. You think I’m that stupid?”