What Kind of Love?

by Sheila Cole

  Friday, September 20

  We had Mrs. Rise’n’shine again in school today. She used my fainting on Tuesday as an excuse to lecture us about nutrition. She went on and on about how we were all eating for two and said that if we felt sick after big meals, we should snack all day—“grazing,” she called it, like we were cows or something. It was so boring, I felt I ought to apologize to everyone. I was glad when she finally ran out of things to say about eating and turned to exercise. She went on about that, too, and how it could reduce the pain of childbirth. She made giving birth sound like torture. Stacy said it was for her. It hurt so bad that she wanted to die. I don’t like to think about it. Dr. Price wants me to go to this prepared childbirth class at the hospital.

  Sunday, September 22

  I’ve been crying and I feel awful, almost like I’m sick. I was supposed to go over to Lily’s to make dinner and watch a video with her and Arianna. I’ve hardly seen them since school started, but Lily called just as I was walking out the door and told me not to come. She said her parents were having company, so I said they should come over here, since Mom and Daddy were going out. She said she couldn’t. I didn’t think about it until I talked to Arianna. When she said she couldn’t come over either, I knew it was because of me. They don’t want to be friends with me anymore.

  Tuesday, September 24

  Carrie said I shouldn’t be mad at Lily. It’s not her fault. Her parents told her she couldn’t be friends with me anymore. According to Carrie, Lily feels bad about it, but she can’t go against them.

  I don’t care what Lily says—I know I would have stood behind her no matter what my parents said.

  Thursday, September 26

  There was a baby shower at school today for Yolanda. I ended up buying an adorable little terry-cloth suit. But it cost twelve dollars, and that was on sale. Everything I liked was so expensive! A sweater, a tiny little thing, cost twenty dollars! I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to afford things for my baby. Stacy says she can give me stuff Tyler has outgrown. That will help.

  The party was nice. The room was decorated with pink and blue crepe paper and balloons. There was pizza and stuff to drink, and Mrs. Zakos brought a cake decorated with a picture of a stork delivering a baby. It looked professional, but Stacy said Mrs. Zakos made it herself.

  Yolanda’s boyfriend, Felix, wants a boy real bad. They don’t even have a name picked out for a girl. We all teased him about it when he came at the end of the party to pick her up.

  “I only make sons,” he told us.

  “You might be surprised, Felix,” Mrs. Zakos said. “There’s a fifty-fifty chance it’s a girl.”

  He laughed. “If it’s a girl, I’ll lock her up until she’s thirty. I won’t let any guys like me come around,” he said. We all laughed because he’s definitely the kind of guy parents don’t want hanging around their daughters.

  I can’t decide whether I’d rather have a boy or a girl. Peter said he wanted a girl. I like Rachel and Lila for a girl and Jesse for a boy. I also like the name Zachary, but I don’t think Peter would. He likes these prissy names like Will and Andrew and Elizabeth. I wish he’d call so we could talk about it. I mailed my letter to him ten days ago. He must have it by now. If I don’t hear from him soon, I’ll go crazy!

  Friday, September 27

  I ran into Tom at Penguin’s this afternoon. He came over to sit with Nick and me. He was going on about how sorry he felt for Peter. And the whole time, I kept thinking, what about me? I’m the one who you should feel sorry for. I’m the one whose body is being taken over by this baby, and I’m the one in this dumb school-age mothers’ program where you don’t learn anything. Peter is in a fancy prep school having a wonderful time. Sometimes Tom really gets me.

  But then I started thinking. Maybe I wasn’t being totally fair to Peter. He didn’t want to go away. His father made him. I keep having this daydream about him. Instead of writing to say he’s coming back, he’s decided to surprise me. And one day he’s just there—waiting across the street when school lets out. I won’t be sure it’s him at first. He’ll start to cross the street, smiling his wonderful smile, and then my heart will skip a beat because it is him. And he’ll put his arms around me and bend over and kiss my hair like he never went away. I won’t be able to talk because I’ll be crying with happiness. He’ll kiss my tears and say, “You’re so beautiful. I love you. I’ll never leave you and our baby ever again.” And I’ll laugh and say I knew that he would come back.

  It probably won’t happen that way.

  Saturday, September 28

  I saw Lily at the drugstore this morning. She pretended she didn’t see me. I felt awful. Afterward I was sorry I didn’t go up to her and say something. We’ve been friends since seventh grade.

  This baby is kicking the life out of me. I have to lie down. Nick wants me to go see this new vampire movie, and I don’t want to disappoint him.

  Sunday, September 29

  Mom and I got into a big fight today when we were doing the dinner dishes. She said Daddy and she had decided I should stop putting it off and go talk to Dr. Price about putting the baby up for adoption. Usually I tune her out because I know there’s no use arguing. But she really got on my nerves. She was going on about how I had to be realistic, that I was too young to take care of a baby and it was irresponsible for me to think I could.

  “What’s irresponsible,” I said, “is giving your own flesh and blood away. You can throw me out if you want, but you can’t make me do that to my kid.”

  “Don’t talk to me like that,” she snapped. “If you want to be treated like an adult, you’d better start acting like one.” And then she just glared at me with those awful blue eyes of hers.

  I guess I was talking back, but I don’t see how she can think it’s so awful for me to keep my own baby. It’s not like it was when she was growing up. Lots of kids have babies and keep them, too. It just shows how much she knows.

  And the other thing that gets me is that she thinks I’m being a typical teenager and not thinking ahead. But she’s wrong. All I ever think about is the baby and the future and whether we can make it on our own. I’m afraid we’re going to end up like that homeless girl in the park last summer.

  Friday, October 4

  Today Mrs. Rise’n’shine asked what my plans are. They need to know if I’ll be continuing with them next semester. I said yes, I’ll be back at the end of January. Peter is coming home for Christmas, and we’re getting married, but I want to finish school.

  “You mean lover boy is coming back from wherever?” Stacy butted in.

  “Massachusetts,” I answered, trying to stay cool.

  Ruthie pressed her lips together and shook her head like she didn’t believe me.

  “Not every man is like Richard, Ruthie,” said Mrs. Rise’n’shine. “There are decent guys out there. Maybe Valerie’s is one of them.”

  Ruthie rolled her eyes and Stacy shrugged her shoulders.

  I was really upset at first. Then I thought, why should they believe me? They don’t know Peter.

  Saturday, October 5

  I don’t know what to think. I finally got a letter from Peter today, and it scared me. It really did. He said nothing about coming home Christmas break, but he was all excited about applying to colleges back East:

  Everyone is talking about where they’re applying to college. My counselor advised me to put in an application to Hamilton as a safety school, in case I don’t get into my top four choices. But I’m totally against applying there because it’s in upstate New York, which is nowhere. I’ve been thinking about Princeton and Johns Hopkins. Maybe I’ll try Pomona in California, even though it’s not as good.

  Dear Peter,

  Your letter really upset me. I know you didn’t mean to scare me. I don’t understand why you are even thinking of applying to places like Princeton or even Hamilton, for that matter. How can we afford it with the baby coming? I thought we’d both go someplace here.
r />   Please write and tell me when you’re coming home, Peter. I beg you.

  We really need to talk about the baby and what we’re doing, Peter. There are so many things that we have to decide. We can’t just wait until you come home at Christmas. I’ve tried calling a couple of times. But it seems like you are never in your room. I don’t understand why you can’t call me.

  Please don’t be mad at me. More than anything, I want you to be happy. I don’t want to keep you back. I don’t want to ruin anything—your future or your life. But we have to be just a little bit realistic about what we can do. We can’t just think about what we want. We have to think about the baby, too.

  I love you. Sometimes I love you so much it hurts. I hope that you still love me and that you haven’t changed your mind about us being a family. Please answer me right away because I won’t breathe easy until I hear from you.

  Love,

  Val

  Sunday, October 6

  Carrie and Dianne don’t think Peter’s coming back. I know they talked about it before they came to get me to go to the movies. The minute I mentioned his name, Carrie said, “You know Peter’s not coming, Val. Why don’t you face up to it?”

  “How do you know?” I said. “He promised that he’d be home Christmas break, and I believe him.”

  “That doesn’t mean he’s coming to stay,” Dianne said.

  I tried to be cool about it. “He will” is all I said. “I don’t want to discuss it, okay?”

  They didn’t say another word about it all evening, but I know what they think. They think I’m dumb to believe he’ll come. Maybe they’re right. Maybe he’s not coming back. His letter really scared me. Still, I can’t believe he would just leave me to have the baby by myself. He’s the one who said we should get married. I didn’t force him. I didn’t say anything about it until he did. And he promised he’d be with me when the baby’s born. I have to believe he’ll come back. I can’t help it—I love him.

  Monday, October 7

  Hurray! I have a violin student. One, which isn’t a lot, but I’ll have ten dollars a week I didn’t have before. Although it’s just a beginning, it makes me very hopeful for the future.

  The little girl’s seven years old, and her name is Sarah Najarian. She’ll be coming a week from today. Mrs. Rykoff was too busy to take her on right now, and she recommended me. Mom said I could use the living room—I was a little surprised she didn’t give me any grief.

  I hope Mrs. Rykoff tells other people about me. I figure I’ll need at least ten students just to be able to pay for groceries and diapers. If my parents would only let us stay here until Peter and I can find a place, everything would be fine.

  Tuesday, October 8

  Yolanda had a boy! His name is Esteban Rudolfo, after her grandfather, and he weighed almost seven pounds. Felix must be happy. He wanted a boy so bad. They took her to the hospital on Friday, but she didn’t have the baby until Sunday. She was in labor for thirty-five hours, and then they had to do a cesarean because they were worried about the baby.

  Debbie went to see her yesterday. She said Yolanda was still sort of out of it from the labor and the operation, but that Felix was the proud papa, grinning from ear to ear. I can’t believe it took two days! I don’t think I could stand being in labor for that long. I’m such a coward when it comes to pain. I have to see Yolanda and the baby as soon as I can get a ride over there.

  Wednesday, October 9

  Tomorrow is my sixteenth birthday. What a joke! I used to think all you had to worry about when you turned sixteen was getting your driver’s license.

  Thursday, October 10

  I was hoping Peter would surprise me and call for my birthday. I thought at least he would send me a card. It’s not like him at all. Last year he took me out to this restaurant on the beach for my birthday, and we’d just started going together then. I can’t believe he forgot. No one else did.

  Grandma and Grandpa Horvath called from Chicago. I didn’t want to come to the phone at first because I was afraid they’d start lecturing me about how much I have disappointed them by getting pregnant, and then I’d start crying. But they were terrific. Grandma said she loves me and believes in me. “It’s too bad this happened,” she said, “but you are a strong girl, Valerie, and you will come through this. Don’t lose your courage.” It was so great of her to say that, especially when she’s so sick. Grandpa was his usual self, telling me my music will carry me through, if I work hard at it. When I told him I was working on The Lark Ascending, he wanted me to get my violin and play it for him so that he could coach me over the telephone. I could hear Grandma in the background saying, “Don’t be crazy, John.”

  Carrie and Dianne brought over a birthday cake after dinner, and even Daddy joined in when everybody sang “Happy Birthday” to me. Nick gave me a special reggae tape, and Sandy sent me this really funny card. I got two big shirts, which I really needed—a teal blue one from Mom and Daddy and a lavender one from Carrie and Dianne. Mom also bought me a CD of a young Israeli violinist playing The Lark. I didn’t expect that at all.

  Nothing from Grannie Larch, but then I know not to expect anything from her. Daddy says she’ll never forgive me.

  It would have been perfect if only Peter hadn’t forgotten. While we were clearing the table, Carrie asked me if I’d heard from him, and I lied.

  Friday, October 11

  Peter did remember! I knew he would! His present came in the mail today. I was so happy that my hands were shaking and I was afraid I’d tear the card, which had a picture of a unicorn in a garden on it. He wrote:

  My blue-eyed love,

  Though we are bound by our love and not by chains, let this golden chain link us together on your sixteenth birthday.

  Taped inside the card was this thin gold chain. It must have cost a fortune. It’s incredibly beautiful. I’m so happy he remembered. I wish he had called, though. We have so much to talk about. I have to call Carrie. I’ll bet she and Dianne change their tune when they hear about this!

  Dear Peter,

  I love it. The chain is gorgeous. I will treasure it always because you gave it to me, Peter. It is a symbol of our love.

  But, Peter, you shouldn’t have spent so much money when we need every cent we can get our hands on. It is only two and a half months until our baby is due. I can’t really believe it, but when I think of all the things we have to do to get ready, it seems like no time at all. And we haven’t done anything.

  My parents say that they won’t let me bring the baby back here after it’s born. That means we have to find someplace to live as soon as you get home. There’s so much to talk about and decide, I wish you would call. Not being able to talk to you is driving me crazy.

  I love you, Peter. Please forgive me if I sound distracted, but I’m scared. I feel so totally alone without you. Please call—I need to hear your voice.

  Your present is wonderful.

  Love,

  Val

  Sunday, October 13

  I’m going to be in a chamber group! Mrs. Rykoff called and asked me to fill in for the second violin, who has a bad case of mononucleosis. I said I couldn’t, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer: “Ach, you must be wery busy these days, Walerie,” she said.

  “Not really,” I admitted.

  “Vell then, if you’re not so busy,” she asked, “vy von’t you come?”

  I told her that I didn’t have any way to get over to her house because I couldn’t ride my bike anymore. I didn’t want to tell her the truth, which is that I don’t like meeting new people because they always stare at my stomach and say dumb things like, “You’re so young to be a mother.”

  And Mrs. Rykoff said, “That is not a problem. Somevone vill pick you up Vednesday the tventy-third at five. Ve vill start vith Haydn, the Emperor. You vill go through it beforehand, ya?” And that was all there was to it.

  I’m really happy that she asked me. But I’m scared that I won’t be good enough. Everybody
in the group is in college.

  Monday, October 14

  Today I taught my first lesson. It went pretty well, and I think Sarah really liked me. Actually, it was fun for me. Much better than working at the nursery. I showed Sarah how to hold the violin and the bow and let her practice bowing different rhythms. I’m teaching her to read music, too. We began with whole notes, half notes, and quarter notes, and clapping time. Next week I think I’ll start her playing “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star.”

  Mom was happy when I told her about the chamber group. She promised to find our tape of the Emperor for me to listen to before I start learning it.

  I hope Mrs. Rykoff warns everyone about me so their mouths don’t drop when they see me.

  Wednesday, October 16

  Stacy and I went to see Yolanda and her baby after school. The baby is beautiful. He has long, dark lashes and a perfectly round little face with lots of dark, straight hair. He makes me wonder what You-in-There with the elbows and knees are going to look like. If you take after me, you won’t have much hair at first. But I know you will be beautiful, all little and cuddly and sweet.

  When I asked Yolanda what labor was like, she shook her head and said, “You don’t want to know.” She and Felix had gone to childbirth classes, but they never expected it would be that bad.