Larry Goes To Space

by Alan Black

  Scooter nodded his head and waved the medi-pen. “Gotta have it.”

  Larry nodded in agreement. “That’s it exactly. Gotta have it. Adrenaline junkies live for that rush of chemicals. So, are you here to lure me away?”

  Scooter nodded. “Yes. Is it working? Yes?”

  “You betcha, Scooter. One alien abduction coming up. Just go easy with the probe. It’ll be my first time.”

  Own only what you can carry with you; know language, know counties, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag. (Alexander Solzhenitsyn)

  CHAPTER FOUR

  LARRY expected Scooter to beam him up, use a tractor beam to drag him into a holding cell or just drop a net on him. Nothing happened.

  “Well?” Larry said. “Are we going?”

  “You are prepared for a long trip, yes?” Scooter asked.

  “Yes. Um, wait. How long are we talking?”

  Scooter listened for a moment to voices that Larry could hear, but the quiet yips and barks didn’t translate through the machine. “I am advised to say that we will only be gone a short while, a few hours of your time. But, this is not true. I may be insane, but I am not a liar.”

  “Thank you, Scooter,” Larry smiled. “I’m ready to go, but if we’re going to be a while, then I need to pack a few things and make sure my place is taken care of.”

  “Your creatures can take care of themselves, yes?”

  “My creatures cannot take care of themselves, no. They are domesticated. It’s like your garden back home. Unless someone pulls the weeds and gives it water your plants don’t thrive.”

  “This is so. Yet, I have no mate to water and weed. I gave my garden back to the soil. This is not good with living creatures.”

  “It is not,” Larry agreed. “What about food? If we are going to be gone for a while, then how much food am I going to need to bring?”

  Scooter waved his hands in front of his face. “You are a shark. We cannot allow you to bring your own chum. The stench of your own meat-filled body is unpleasant to most on board; dead flesh would be intolerable.”

  Larry laughed. “Okay by me. I can give up meat for a ride into space.”

  “Thank you. If we can get a DNA sample, we can determine what foodstuffs you will require. We believe from our studies that human’s can survive for a time without meat. You can get by on nuts, fruit, and various plants for a time, yes?”

  “Yes. What do you need for a DNA sample? Blood, hair, skin?” Larry asked.

  Scooter tossed Larry a small box. It had one red button on one side. “Hold this and push the button.”

  Larry did as he was instructed. “Nothing happened.”

  Scooter held his hand in front of his face as if he were cupping water to his mouth. “Yes. It worked fine. Please place it beside the communications device,”

  Larry started to toss it back but Scooter shouted. “No. Please. We can pick it up mechanically. No one aboard, me included will touch that for fear of contamination from a meat eater. Do not be offended. It is not you, it is me.”

  Larry laughed. “Danged if that ain’t exactly what Nancy said when she left.”

  Scooter barked a short polite laugh. “Nancy was your mate that abandoned you, yes? You are leaving with us because you are no longer able to obtain a mate and face being a social pariah, yes?”

  “Oh no! I would go with you if Nancy were standing here naked. Going to space! Little buddy, ever since I saw my first rerun of Lost in Space I would go even if there was no guarantee that I could come back. I even already volunteered for that silly Mars trip where they know they aren’t coming home. Um, I do get to come back, don’t I?”

  Scooter shook his head using the human negative. “Maybe, maybe not. The Tetra has forbidden me to say that, but I must.”

  Larry said, “You said the Tetra passed Earth by. You are the Tetra?”

  “No. We are the people. The Tetra is the four ruling members of our space commission.”

  Larry thought for a minute. The communications device translated the name of Scooter’s alien species as the people. Still, he supposed that the word human translated back the same way to Scooter. He tried to decipher their name from the sounds Scooter made, but the yips and barks were completely unintelligible to him. He wondered if Ol’ Bucky would make more sense of it. Plus, the syntax and grammar would mean that he might choose the wrong word just because he thought it was close in sentence structure.

  Picking an alien word out of a jumble of language and calling a whole sentient people by that word could be confusing or downright offensive. He could imagine how humans would react if aliens decided to call us “Butters” or “Hairsprays” or even “Fuckers”. Although, being called the latter might be openly approved by a large segment of human population.

  He remembered reading somewhere that almost all words humans use for themselves or their tribes translates as the people. The Native American Navajo word Diné translates into English as the people. Actually, the word American translates into the people of America.

  He also remembered the article pointing out that this wasn’t a hard and fast rule. The Native American name Apache translated into enemy. It must be a strange society that chooses to call themselves that. Maybe that is why Scooter’s people were hesitant about meeting humans. Maybe they’d seen the same show he’d watched or read the same magazine article he’d perused.

  Scooter’s word for the ruling members of his space commission that the comm-unit translated was “tetra”. If he remembered correctly, that was some kind of fish. He thought a tetra was a brightly colored fish — good for living in aquariums. Maybe the machine caught some semblance of their being in a fishbowl of open government. Maybe not, it was possible there were other meanings to tetra he didn’t remember.

  He was going to have to call Scooter’s people something. He had taken a college course on international literature. He remembered reading a Greek mythology story about the Teumessian fox. All he could remember was there was a giant fox Zeus flung to the stars. He would have to check a lexicon on words, but Teumess was as good a name as he could think of on the spot.

  He clearly remembered arguing with his academic advisor about taking the class on international literature. At the time, it seemed like a waste of time since his major was agribusiness. His advisor said it would make him a well-rounded individual and you never knew when odd information would become useful. He would have to remember to send his advisor a thank you note — if he ever got home.

  He needed to make sure his e-reader was jammed as full as his credit card could make it. He already had a few reference books loaded, but he needed to download a bunch of stuff since he wouldn’t have access to libraries or the internet. He could delete most of the stuff he’d already read to make room for new stuff, if he had time, or more likely, if he had the credit card funds.

  He should be as well versed in humanity as he could be if he was going to be anything other than a probe specimen. He should have resources on human history, science, technology, biology and every other –ology he could think of. It wouldn’t hurt to know about humans and all of Earth even if he was just a zoo animal on display. He also needed to download as much light reading as he could. Light reading would be necessary if he was a zoo animal. After all, there is only so much feces you can fling around your cage in a day.

  Larry decided he could quit worrying about asking Scooter for a copy of their book, How to Serve Man, since he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be supper. That made room for the big question.

  Why had Scooter and his people, the Teumess, come to Earth?

  Why try to get him to volunteer if all they needed were a few biology specimens to cut on? At least they were going to be polite about it if he was in for a little probing.

  Larry asked, “Hey translator. Put this is your memory. For now, I will refer to the beings in this ship as the Teumess. You are still to translate it to Scooter as “the people”, but when he talks to me, you can refer to him
and his species as the Teumess.” That should help him in his understanding.

  The whole conversation was just like talking to his ex-wife. When he said, “let’s go to bed” she would often say that she wasn’t sleepy. Of course, he had a different activity in mind, but the words were not always clear in their meaning. Maybe considering the way things turned out with Nancy, she really had understood what he meant in the first place.

  He asked Scooter for clarification, “The Tetra are your leaders then?”

  “No. The Tetra can only commit the Teumess to a course of action related to space travel and activities between other worlds and other species. They declared we must gain your cooperation or we may all die, or die and then be eaten, or be eaten and then die.”

  “Why just take me? Hey! Give humans a little help and time and we can put together a fighting armada that will protect you.”

  Scooter laughed. “If you could see the faces of my comrades behind me, you would know how very repellant that course of action would be to the Teumess. One human is crazy enough without a bunch of you running around space. I think the Tetra have lost their senses to even send us to bring one of you to our home. If we must do this, then I must do it honestly and on my own terms. We are in danger and we may all die. Further, you will not be welcomed on our world any more than you would welcome a hungry shark into a pool full of your own children.”

  “Well, boy-howdy!” Larry grinned. “You sure make it sound appealing. It sounds exactly like a Caribbean beach resort full of half-naked women, except it ain’t. I haven’t had such an exciting offer since God asked me to help spread out the first shovel full of dirt.”

  “Please restate? The words translated, but the context did not make sense.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m going. Give me some time to pack some fresh undies and get Dad to check on the place while I’m gone.”

  “But, I just told you that you might not come back. This is distressing, yes?”

  “This is very distressing yes, a very big yes. But I’m still going if you can feed and water me occasionally. Dad will know what to do with the place if I don’t ever come back,”

  “Our medical staff has said your DNA sample shows you to be remarkably Teumessian. We will have ample food stuffs for as long as you are with us.”

  “Hey! You didn’t need to pick up the box to get the results?” Larry pointed at the DNA box. It still sat next to the translator.”

  Scooter shook his head. “The technology is simple. Wireless data transmission was easy.”

  Larry laughed. “For you, Scooter, but not so much for me. I know you said maybe about getting back, but if we do, maybe you can gift me with a few bits of technology that we don’t have.”

  “Technology exchange is a decision for the Tetra. But as a Teumessian, if you return here, I promise that I will do everything in my power to gift you with anything you desire.”

  “Dang it!” Larry shouted in glee. “I’m all for that, but listen up Scooter. Don’t be making promises you can’t keep. The trip itself is a reward beyond measure.”

  “What would you desire, Larry?”

  “Can you get me a short brunette with freckles? No? Not without abduction by force. And I assume that if you were into abducting humans we would already be halfway back to your place.”

  Scooter laughed. “True. We want you to help us, but not by force. Do you need much time to gather—what did you say you needed? Undies, yes?”

  “It’s underwear. I just need to grab a change of clothes or two and make a telephone call. It shouldn’t take long.”

  Scooter waved his hands in his alien no motion. “We must close up the ship now. Your sun is setting and nightfall approaches. We are not night creatures. Tomorrow at sunrise is good, yes?”

  Larry shrugged. “If I have to wait, then I have to wait. I’ve been waiting to go to space since I was about seven, so one more night won’t kill me.”

  Scooter slid back on the deck and the hatch un-melted.

  Larry stood there for a moment and decided he didn’t have another word for what the hatch did. The hatch melted open and un-melted when it closed.

  He checked the sun. It wasn’t close to dropping completely out of sight, but it was closing in on the horizon. Still, even on Earth, dusk and early dawn are as dangerous a time in unknown territory as full-on dark. He understood Scooter’s concern for dusk and night on an unknown planet. If all he knew about Earth came from television broadcasts picked up from space, he’d be concerned about landing here in broad daylight.

  Larry started to turn to the tractor, but stopped. That was probably all they knew about Earth. That’s probably why the Tetra had passed Earth over for contact. Larry was from Earth and most parts of it were so scary and inhospitable that he wouldn’t go visit them. And that was just New York, Chicago, and London. It would give him the shivers to think about going to Tehran, Mogadishu, or Lagos, especially after dark.

  Finally, in the tractor seat, Larry steered the tractor, bouncing across the familiar pasture on the way back to the barn. Larry wasn’t overly aware of the bumpy ride. He realized Scooter hadn’t really told him why the Tetra passed by Earth. Larry added a whole lot more questions to his list of things to ask.

  Why was Earth even considered for contact?

  Did the Tetra follow the Star Trek Prime Directive or did they make up their own rules?

  Who else was out there?

  How far was “out there”?

  How long would it take to get to the Teumessian home planet?

  Larry parked the tractor under the lean-to awning attached to the barn. He went to the only occupied stall.

  “Dollar, I gotta pasture you for a bit. I doubt if you mind much. I’ll tell Dad to look in on you.” He led the horse through the gate to one of the front steer pastures, stripped off the horse’s halter, and closed the gate behind him.

  Dollar looked at Larry for a bit, dropped and rolled in the dirt, shaking off the stink of the barn. He grabbed a mouthful of fresh green grass and trotted off away from the house. He was young and free on the open prairie. All thought of Larry was gone from Dollar’s mind before Larry reached the house.

  Larry stopped in the kitchen on his way through the house. He probably ought to make himself a steak or something. He could pull something out of the freezer. It might be a while before he got meat again, if ever. He had all night long, so he might as well make a feast of it. He pulled the biggest porterhouse steak out of the freezer he could find. He tossed it into the microwave, setting it to thaw.

  Larry wanted to get right to packing, but that wouldn’t take too long. He also wanted to phone his Dad, but there was daylight left. Dad would still be in his fields. Mom would be there, but she would be right in the middle of fixing supper for Dad and his grandparents.

  He sighed and set about washing the dishes. It didn’t take long to get through the breakfast dishes. He sighed again and started on last night’s supper dishes. He wouldn’t have time to get everything on the farm in tip-top condition before leaving, but he decided to clean the house up a bit. He might have to dust the vacuum cleaner before using it, but he thought it still worked.

  His house cleaning skills were exactly like the maid service at a five-star hotel, except he wasn’t good at cleaning, he wasn’t thorough, he wasn’t fast, and he sure wasn’t pleasant as he did it.

  He put his bedsheets in the washing machine just as the phone rang. He decided he might as well sleep on clean sheets for his last night on Earth. He was chuckling at the thought of it being his last night as he picked up the phone receiver.

  “What are you doing in the house before the sun sets?” Dad said as a way of greeting.

  “Working harder than you, old man,” Larry replied. “I don’t have a wife and a mother in the house to do the dishes and laundry, like some layabouts.”

  “Laundry, my Aunt Aggie’s aching ass,” Dad said.

  Larry held the receiver out toward the washing machine as it
clunked and rocked back and forth, as it usually did. Larry had long ago decided the machine had been a disco dancer in a previous life. No matter how perfectly balanced the loads were, the machine gyrated like a pole dancer fighting a bad case of the itchy, creepy crawlies. Even an empty load of water set the machine to dancing and vibrating. Nancy had seemed to like it; at least he always, always, always had clean clothes until she left. The machine seemed to miss Nancy more than Larry did, or it had gotten louder at any rate.

  “What does that sound like, Dad?”

  There was a bit of silence. “Well, it does sound like a butt-load of ball bearings bouncing in the back of a broken, blue Buick. Or it is that old washer you got.”

  “Nice alliteration, Dad.” Larry said. He smiled to himself. His parents always said that just because they work the land did not mean that they did not need to work their minds. “So, what’s up on the old homestead? Are Grandma and Grandpa all right?”

  “Well, that would depend—”

  Larry and his father finished together, “—on your definition of all right.”

  “I’m glad you called, Dad,” Larry said. “I’ve got a problem that I hope you can help me with.”

  “And I you,” Dad said. “I would’ve called one of your brothers or sisters, but you are—”

  Larry and his father finished together, “—an only child.”

  Larry laughed. “Listen, Henny Youngman, you need to get some new material. Can you stop by and check on the place for me over the next couple of weeks? I’ve got an emergency and I’ve got to go out of town.”

  There was silence on the phone. “Are you in trouble? Can I help?”

  He couldn’t tell his father that he was planning to leave the planet and might not ever come back. Dad wouldn’t understand. Dad would tell Mom if he knew. Mom didn’t believe in UFOs or aliens and would certainly not understand. She would tell Grandma. Grandma would call the police and have him locked up. No one would tell Grandpa because he didn’t understand much of anything anymore since his last stroke.