by Liz Botts
With a deep breath, I asked, “What exactly do you want to talk about?”
She shifted in her chair, finally toeing off her boots and tucking her feet up under her. Christy leaned back looking prim and proper and young. “The thing is,” she began, “my mom left when I was, like, a baby. And I have an older sister, but she’s not much help on stuff like this. She’s been on like three dates in her whole life. So, I need some advice. That’s what you’re here for, no?”
“I can give you some advice,” I said slowly. Then I repeated, “Can you tell me exactly what you want advice about?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Christy said with a faint blush coloring her cheeks. “I guess, um, how do you know when you’re ready? To have sex?”
The earlier panic returned, but looking into Christy’s earnest face, I took a moment to consider her question. I wanted to help her here. Maybe she could benefit from my own confusion.
“A lot of people say you’ll just know,” I said. “And I guess that’s true. I’ll tell you something, though. I wasn’t ready, and it pretty much ruined my relationship.”
I winced as I told her that because it wasn’t the whole truth, but this girl was a virtual stranger, and she didn’t need to hear the whole complicate mess I had made of my life.
Christy tilted her head to one side thoughtfully and asked, “So why’d you do it? I mean, I know that’s personal and stuff, but I have so many friends who think I should just go find some random guy and get it over with. But…it just seems like a really big deal.”
“I wish I had a good answer for you,” I said. “The truth is my boyfriend and I did it because we’d been together a long time, and it just seemed like it was time. A lot of my friends teased me about it. I had planned on waiting until we got married. I don’t even know why. I just had this picture in my head of how incredibly romantic it would be. And then I didn’t, and things got way more complicated than I could manage to handle so we took a break. We’re still on a break.” I paused feeling shaky after sharing but curious to see how Christy would react to my experience. She was watching me solemnly. When she didn’t say anything, I asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?”
Christy shook her head causing her bright blonde hair to fly around her face. “No, my dad thinks I’m too young to date. I’m only a freshman.”
That seemed odd to me. Who listened to their dad’s advice at this age? Unless…I took another good look at Christy, and all the pieces fell into place. My mouth dropped open, and I gasped. “You’re a freshman in high school?”
“Well, yeah,” Christy said, annoyance creeping into her tone. “There’s no sign on the door that says the peer counseling is only for college students. Wait, oh! You aren’t going to call my dad or something are you? Because I’m a minor? I cannot have him know I was here or what we are talking about. It would kill him. Please don’t call him, okay? I’ll go right now. I’m sorry I bothered you.”
Christy moved to grab her boots with a wild-eyed look that freaked me out a bit. The manual actually did have a whole chapter on doing peer counseling with high schoolers. I had skimmed it briefly like all the other chapters.
“Sit down, sit down,” I said, reaching out and gripping her arm gently but firmly. “I’ll look up our policy. I’m sure it doesn’t involve calling your dad. We have a lot of confidentiality waivers.”
“Okay,” Christy said. I could hear the reluctance in her voice, but something told me to keep her here, so we could continue with the counseling. I had a feeling I could make a big difference with her. She reminded me so much of Hayley when she was younger. My big sister instinct kicked in, and I instantly felt protective. I had helped Hayley a time or two when she was this age.
I picked up the book and skimmed the chapter, feeling my heart sink. “Your dad has to sign a waiver for you to have counseling here.”
Christy’s eyes got shiny, and she kept blinking like she was trying to brush the tears away with her eyelashes. “I can’t do that. He’s so protective of us. If he knew I was even thinking about sex, it would give him a heart attack or something.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” I said. “You don’t have to tell him why you are here. You just need him to sign the waiver. How’d you hear about us anyway?”
“My guidance counselor recommended I come here because I didn’t want to talk to him about this,” Christy said with a shrug. “I mean, really, the dude is older than my grandfather. Not exactly how I pictured getting advice on the birds and the bees.”
“Okay,” I said. “Just tell your dad that your guidance counselor recommended us, have him sign the waiver, and you can set up a time to come back if you want to.”
“That sounds good,” Christy agreed. She rummaged around in her purse then pulled out a little pocket calendar. “When are you free?”
I looked at her in surprise. “You want to talk to me again?”
My heart hammered as adrenaline pumped through my veins. Had I actually made a connection with this girl? Could I really help her? What sort of role model could I be when I was so messed up myself? I didn’t care about the doubts that nagged at me. Somehow I had been given a chance to make a difference and that felt amazing. More amazing than I had felt in a long time. Maybe our little chat today had opened the door to the possibility of delving deeper. Maybe I could help both of us at the same time.
Christy nodded. “I don’t want to talk to anyone else. Obviously I can only come after school.”
“Let’s go talk to Molly,” I suggested.
We found the counseling director at her desk, and as we set up a time, I realized I felt more like myself than I had in a long time. Something about taking control, and admittedly, something about giving advice, made me feel like I was making my own choices again. Christy and I parted ways then. I needed to wait for Angela anyway so I looked at Molly and said, “So…when can we start that training?”
Chapter Eight
“Are you ready for this?” I asked.
Max adjusted the clipboard in front of him on the table, took a sip of his water, and grinned at me. “Am I ever.”
I went to open the door to the hallway. I peered out at the small crowd gathered. “We’ll be seeing auditions for the female lead right now. If you could line up here so I can give you a number, that would be great.”
When Max and I had begun planning auditions, we had decided to be as professional as possible. Max had been on several auditions so I let him take the lead. Now that I was handing out numbers to three girls I felt silly. The girls, however, seemed slightly giddy as they took their numbers, and handed me their questionnaires.
“We’ll see number one, Allison, first,” I said.
Allison followed me into the room, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder and throwing a flirty smile toward Max. I handed him her sheet, and we shared a smirk.
“Why do you want to audition for this short rather than any of the others?” Max asked.
Allison struck a pose, one hand on a hip. She replied, “My methods prof thought this would be good for me. To stretch myself as a performer.”
I frowned. Crossing my arms in front of me, I asked, “Can you sing?”
With a roll of her eyes, Allison waved her hand. “Of course.”
Max turned on the charm then, flashing Allison his trademark smile complete with glinting white teeth. “Can you favor us with a sampling?”
I rolled my eyes at Max’s choice of wording, but Allison immediately launched into an a capella version of “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. She twirled around the room as she trilled the song. Even though she rubbed me the wrong way, I had to admit she sounded good. Thankfully we still had at least two other girls to audition.
I leaned back in my seat and watched with what I hoped was a critical eye as she read the scene with Max. She was good in the role but she didn’t blow my mind. Still if we chose her, she’d make our senior project work well. I scribbled a note to that effect on her sheet.
T
he rest of the auditions flew by. We saw mostly theater majors, but a few people just interested in acting auditioned as well. The evening was winding down, and we were packing up our stuff when there was a knock at the door.
“Come on in,” Max called.
The door opened and my heart stopped as Josh walked in.
“What are you doing here?”
Josh held out a sheet that looked suspiciously like an audition sheet. Max reached out and took it. “I’m glad you could make it,” he said.
I turned to him feeling both confused and betrayed. “You invited him to audition? Why?”
“Because I’m good,” Josh said. “And I haven’t acted in a long time.”
“You are,” I acknowledged quietly as I took his sheet. My hand trembled. “Who are you auditioning for?”
“The male lead,” Josh said.
My heart sank. Even without seeing him audition, I knew we had to give the part to him. I gasped. Josh and Max both looked at me with open curiosity. The words froze inside my mouth. I had written the part for Josh. Of course I had. He was whom I pictured as I crafted each scene, but I never thought he would actually play the role.
Max handed Josh the script. “Okay, here’s the scene we’ve been…”
“Don’t bother,” I interrupted.
“Hannah, come on,” Max said.
Josh’s face flashed with anger. He opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head, locking eyes with him. “You don’t need to read. You have the part.”
Max looked at me in surprise. “I’m sorry,” I said. “He’s perfect for the part. Just trust me. You’ll be so happy with him, I promise.”
I grabbed my coat and backpack. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Max.”
My footsteps echoed as I clattered out of the room and down the hallway. At the top of the sweeping purple-y pink staircase I paused, listening to see if anyone was following me. No one was. I was a little disappointed, part of me had hoped that Josh would try to catch up with me. Maybe it had been a bit melodramatic of me to run out of the room like that, but I felt odd about casting Josh in my play. The step felt so monumental that I wanted to talk to him about it in private, which I probably could have done had I just waited. With a sigh, I pulled on my coat then shrugged on my backpack.
The cold February night wrapped around me. For a moment I thought about just going home, but I didn’t want to talk to Hayley about all of this yet. Instead I decided to take a walk, maybe head over to Crossroads and get some cheesecake to go. I needed to process all that had just happened. In the span of two minutes, I had made myself look even more like a lunatic.
I kicked at a dirty pile of snow. How was I going to explain this one? Give Josh the lead in my show and then run away. I laughed to myself. Yes, I was a lunatic. After meeting Christy, I had really been trying to sort through my issues with Josh. Angela had been right. I had a lot of choices. I just had to make them.
Over the past week I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to get back together with Josh, but I also knew that we couldn’t go back to the way things were, and on that front, I was stumped. I had no idea how to bridge the gap. And we still hadn’t talked.
My phone buzzed in my jeans pocket signaling a text. I sighed but pulled my phone out anyway. Josh.
WHERE RU HEADING?
My breath fogged the air around me as I peered at my phone.
CROSSROADS
After tapping out the message, I let my fingers hover before pushing send. I knew he’d meet me there without even asking. For the first time in a long time that felt like the right thing to do. Even though I knew I looked crazy for running out, I had needed to clear my head. After just a few minutes alone in the cold, fresh brought me to my senses. That was something I needed to be able to do when I got confused. I would have to share that with Josh.
Strange how I had never needed this kind of time alone before. Or had I and just never realized it?
I paused at the busy intersection, waiting for the light to change. The glow from Crossroads’ front windows spilled onto the snow. The thought of cheesecake, hot coffee, and Josh propelled me on the last leg of my journey. A flitty excitement danced inside me. I knew it was the thought of seeing Josh that made my knees feel weak, even though I had seen him not even fifteen minutes ago. Maybe we could finally talk. I could tell him how excited and honored I was to have him in the show. Tell him without an audience.
The door to Crossroads felt especially heavy, or maybe I just felt especially lightheaded. I breathed in the welcome warmth and delicious smells. Fantastic sizzling sounds emanated from the grill in the back. Waitresses bustled about with orders. I approached the hostess stand to grab a menu and came face to face with Christy.
“Hi,” I said not bothering to conceal my surprise.
“Hannah!” Her face broke into a huge smile, making little dimples appear on each cheek. This was a different girl than I had met earlier.
“You work here?” I asked. She was a freshman in high school, so she could only be fourteen or fifteen years old. That seemed a little young to have a job.
Christy shook her head, the short blond bob swinging with each movement. “Nah, my dad owns this place,” she said. “I’m just helping out tonight. I finished my homework early. Didn’t feel like going home yet, so ya know.”
“That’s pretty cool,” I said as I reached for the menu she offered me.
“You can sit anywhere you want,” Christy said. “I’ll make sure someone comes over right away.”
I grinned. Christy would be a fun kid to get to know. My smile faded slightly as the worry loomed that I might not be able to help her. With a shake of my head, I pushed the thought away, settling determination in its place. I would help her because that’s what felt right.
My eyes landed on Josh a moment later, and I approached his booth in surprise. He turned with a smile playing on his lips. I slid into the booth across from him. Neither of us said anything for a while; we just sat together. I found myself staring at his big blue eyes trying to remember the first time I had really noticed him. The night he saved me from being hit in the head by a basketball during our junior year in high school. Our gazes had locked with a physical force that I thought was only something reserved for fiction.
The way he looked at me now sent shivers up and down my spine, and made the little hairs on my arms stand on end. There was nothing chaste in the way he was looking at me, but the intimacy went well beyond physical attraction. This was a man who knew me to the depths of my soul. I loved him. And yet something still held me back from proclaiming that and moving forward again. I felt like a truck stuck in the mud just spinning my wheels. If I had to put a name to it, I guess Hayley had been right. I was scared to death.
“How’d you get here before me?”
“Hi, to you too,” Josh said a small smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. “I was already on my way over. I took the shortcut.”
“Oh.” We lapsed into silence.
“So why’d you give me the part?” Josh asked finally. He wrapped his fingers around his water glass.
I slid out of my coat. “I don’t know.”
Josh smirked. “Oh, come on, Han, of course you know why you gave me the part.”
The tone of his voice chafed at my nerves. He sounded smug and teasing, like things were back to being simple and easy between us. And it made my heart ache because I realized how much I missed him.
“And why is that?”
“You gave me the part because I am the best,” Josh said.
I forced myself to roll my eyes. “Oh please,” I said. “I just felt sorry for you. That’s all.”
Josh laughed and caught my hand across the table. “I’m really excited,” he said, suddenly turning serious. “It will mean we get to spend more time together.”
I shivered as Josh rubbed the pad of his thumb over the palm of my hand. “I wrote the part for you. I mean, I wrote the part with you in mind.”
Just then Christy arrived at the table with a glass of water for me. Her eyes widened as she saw Josh holding my hand, and I knew she was putting the pieces together. She raised her eyebrows and gestured toward Josh with her head. I could feel the heat of a blush rising in my cheeks, so I nodded quickly. When I glanced over at Josh, I saw that he was watching the whole exchange with a bemused expression on his face.
Christy hustled away, but not before grinning at me like a maniac.
“And who is that?” Josh asked, a teasing note in his voice.
“Just a girl I know,” I said. “So what do you want to order?”
Josh let go of my hand and opened his menu. “We can change the subject if you want,” Josh said. “I was thinking about an omelet and cheesecake.”
“Ew.” I wrinkled my nose at the combination. Eggs just gave me the heebie jeebies. “I think I’ll stick with cheesecake.”
Josh folded his menu and rested his elbows on the table. His teasing expression fled, and was replaced by a seriousness that made my stomach twist. “When are we going to talk about us, Hannah?”
My breath hitched. A weird tightness squeezed my chest. I couldn’t explain what was still holding me back. I just hadn’t pictured having such a deep conversation in a restaurant.“Not now,” I said, my voice sharper than I intended.
Josh slumped against the back of the booth. His sigh seemed to emanate from the very depths of his soul. And he looked so…sad. “When?”
I felt my hands start to tremble, so I knotted them together in my lap. “Soon,” I said. “I promise. Just not here, at Crossroads. Not with so many people around.”
“You always have an excuse, don’t you?” The hard edge in Josh’s voice made me wince.
“I…I…”
“Look around. No one cares what we are talking about. You just don’t want to talk here because you still can’t see past yourself.” Josh sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Look. I’m tired of this. We take one step forward and then two steps back.” He looked up at the waitress as she came to take our order.