by Gay Gaddis
Understand the Money
I asked a young professional woman about how she built her confidence. I was surprised when she told me that her therapist had encouraged her to understand how her employer made money. She took a deep dive and quickly learned how her job contributed to the company’s overall financial success.
“Suddenly a lot of fuzzy issues about my career became crystal clear. It all fell in place. I am so much more comfortable,” she said. I like this a lot. Understanding the money is fundamental to being positively assertive.
So forget the therapist and invite the CFO out to lunch.
Be a Storyteller
Cowgirls grow up learning a powerful skill, storytelling. Their grandparents, aunts, and uncles all have stories that come down through the generations. They are full of lessons on values, character, and courage. They are stories full of danger and life-changing dramatic events. And all of them have twists of irony, humor, and love.
Storytelling is an incredible source of personal power. In fact, most great leaders are amazing storytellers. Storytelling enables you to advocate for an issue by stringing together all of the arguments, both pro and con, but to do it in an engaging, entertaining way. Storytelling is a way to teach values, vision, and culture by explaining their origin.
Cowgirls sit together with their peers, friends, and families and tell stories around a campfire that inspire us all. Learn the art of storytelling. Think about the lessons you want to teach. Make them authentic.
Speak from Your Heart
Whether you are telling stories around a campfire or standing in front of an audience of a thousand people, there will come a moment when you want to make an important point—to tell a truth. When this moment comes, step away from the podium and speak from the bottom of your heart. Let your emotions go; don’t be afraid of them.
When you speak from your heart, it puts people on the edge of their seats. Why? Because they don’t hear it very often. Open with a laugh. Close with a heartfelt truth.
The Blue Goofus
My dad used to talk about getting the Blue Goofus. He would get restless, uneasy, and kind of grumpy. We all get in the dumps every now and then. He taught me that the best thing to do when the Blue Goofus shows up is to smile at it and tell it hello, to acknowledge it and try to figure out what is going on. Usually, it means something is wrong, out of whack. Or that there is a big change coming that will have to be dealt with.
When the Blue Goofus shows up, don’t avoid it. Go sit by it and hold its hand. You’ll figure it out.
Earn Trust
There is nothing more powerful and enduring than earning trust. My business is totally based on trust. We have done business with so many people through the years, and we have earned their trust by simply doing what we say we will do. It takes time and effort. Step by step. Slow by slow. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more valuable.
I have people who have worked for me for years who I trust blindly.
Who do you trust? Who trusts you blindly?
Acts of Profound Kindness
We send little red cowboy boots to all of our employees, clients, and partners who have newborns. At first, we just thought it was a nice thing to do. Over the past twenty years and hundreds of red boots later, it has come to mean something much more. I now see it as a signal that we send to new parents that we value them and are proud to be a part of their lives and their families. Almost without exception, at about eighteen months each of those babies walk in our office proudly wearing their red boots. When those parents take the time to walk those children in to see us, it is the most profound act of kindness I ever receive.
Are you as kind as you want to be?
Solve a Problem
Earning the right to be assertive is a fundamental source of personal power. The path to earning that right is solving problems. There are always problems. And there are always plenty of people who are eager to point them out. But the people who apply themselves to find creative solutions are the powerful ones. They research the issues, apply analytical discipline, and then build consensus for the solution. They teach everyone how to approach problems. They teach people how to work together to improve.
Real problem solvers are the high priests of the business world. Bless you.
Sometimes You Have to Push Yourself
It is not all roses and bluebirds out there. There are times when you need to reach down into your gut and find the power to push yourself forward to success. Sometimes it requires an all-nighter, or a weekend of work. Sometimes it means another sales call at the end of a long day. Sometimes it means having to deal with a difficult situation.
Put your head down and power through it. Be strong. And, each time you do it, it will get a little easier. Each time you do it, if you look behind you, you will see more people following you. More people who have your back.
Power through. It will make you stronger. And more respected and admired.
Design Your Own Life
Most young mothers that I know tend to live in the moment, emotionally engaged with their children in the here and now. They focus entirely on their young children and, often, do not think about themselves. That is fine, it is usually the right thing to do. But stop and do this next exercise. It is the right thing to do for your family and, most importantly, for yourself.
Timeline Your Life
Sit down and build a timeline for your life. Map out the coming years and who and where everyone will be. Of course you cannot see into the future. But a lot is knowable and when you put it on a timeline, it becomes a more seeable sequence of events.
When do the kids go to college? How old will you be? How does the money work? Do you love your work? If not, when could you make a change? Where will you be in your career when that happens? How are you going to pay for their education? Can you give your children more opportunities if you make an important decision now? Would a job change or a move to another city radically improve your collective lives? When will you need to take care of your own parents? When do grandchildren come?
Sketch it out on a big sheet of paper. Identify and circle the big changes you know are coming. These are intersections of opportunity to change course or double down. This is a work in progress, so just sketch out ideas. Don’t try to finish it.
As you sketch it out, issues, ideas, and opportunities will emerge. Ask yourself, what can I do now in my career that will dramatically improve our family’s life fifteen years from now? What lessons can I teach my children about values?
Then share the timeline with your spouse. Adjust and spend a couple of weeks talking about it.
Then show it to your kids. Talk about it. Ask their opinions. Start the dialogue. Find ways to include some of their ideas. Give them the gift of knowing more about where they are going than they do now. Tell them it will not be perfect. Tell them that based on what you know right now, this is the direction we want to follow. There is immense power in this dialogue.
Start on this right now.
What Matters Right Now
As you build your timeline it will be clear what matters right now, and that is where you should focus most of your effort. Take care of what matters right now. Be all in. Focus on now, but keep glancing into the future when you have a little time. Be present. Be there for your kids, your partner, and your teammates. There is no greater gift that you can give.
When you come to important milestones, pull out the timeline and show everyone, including yourself, where you are. When you make big changes in your life, pull it out and explain why you chose a new path.
It helps everyone to know where you are.
Who Takes Care of the Kids?
If you are old enough to remember, this is the $64,000 question. If you are not, go look it up.
The answer is that if you both have rewarding careers and good earning potential, you can figure it out. It requires imagination and grit. It means spending too much money on childcare, but if you look at long-term earning p
otential for you both and careers that you both love, I believe you can make it work.
If not, it comes down to who makes the most money. Take the ego and gender issues out of the decision and make a good family business decision. I know lots of women who have had powerful careers and made it into the C-suite or built their own successful companies. Many of them had stay-at-home husbands who were very supportive of their careers. Many of them have part-time careers that they return to when the kids are gone. And, I have to say, they are happily married and confident they made the right decisions.
Make a good business decision.
Let’s Dispense with the Guilt
Children of working parents turn out fine. In fact, there is new research from Harvard that working moms should not feel guilty about going to work. If anything, they are doing things that benefit their children.24 Children of working parents, especially working professionals, get great exposure to interesting people, ideas, and opportunities as a result of their parents’ careers.
So let’s just hang up guilt in the barn and let it dry.
Don’t Separate Work from Family
Find ways to bring work into your family life and your family into your work. Celebrate work successes with your kids, even if they do not fully understand. If you had a hard day at work, tell your kids when you get home. They will find a way to cheer you up. Separating work from family is not good for anyone because it creates unnatural vacuums of information in both directions. Bring them to work and let them run around and scream every now and then.
Do not allow work and family to be two different things.
Stay in the Game
If you have a promising career, stay in the game whether you work full-time or stay at home with the kids. Freelance, network, work part-time, consult. Keep your skills and knowledge well honed so that when the kids are gone, you have lots and lots of great options.
Fight like hell to stay current, relevant, interesting, and connected.
You Have to Have Help
If you want a family and a career, you have to be honest with yourself that you cannot do it all. You have to have help. There are all kinds of ways to do it. We have encouraged young mothers to bring their babies to work at T3. We will have had well over one hundred children in the program by the time this book is published.
You probably do not have access to a program like ours, but reach out and build a support network. You will go crazy if you don’t.
The Path to Success Is Not a Straight Line
Life does not present itself in a well-organized, logical way. Problems and opportunities come at you on their own schedule. You can affect some of it, but certainly not all. One thing leads to another. And to another. And to another. It is much like playing pinball. But pay attention: Each time that bell goes off and a light flashes, dig deeper because each hit is probably an opportunity if you see it in the right light.
Go with your gut and follow the interesting opportunities, and look for new connections every step of the way. Weave them together in creative, openhearted ways, and go build a successful life.
Cowgirls Build a Kick-Ass Culture
I love the quote “Culture eats strategy for breakfast.” There seems to be a lot of confusion about its real origin, so I’ll just acknowledge that it is not mine. But it has certainly been my experience. We have ups and downs with our culture. Sometimes we hit rocky times and things were not great. Sometimes we made a bad hire. But when those storm clouds blew in, we always saw it quickly and tried to resolve it quickly because I believe a business’s culture is everything.
Become a Cultural Missionary
A company’s culture is about values, about how you treat people, about what you believe. Culture is about long-lived tradition. Own your culture. Provide empathy. Provide compassion. Have high expectations. Demand results.
Regardless of your position of authority or lack of authority, take ownership of culture. Become a missionary. Build on the good things. Protect the values.
Show people your authentic love of your company’s culture. If you do, your power soars.
Why You Are Obligated to Disagree
The power of truth is startling. If you hear something you disagree with, you are obligated to speak out. If you don’t, your team loses the opportunity to learn something.
If you do not, you open the door to passive-aggressive behavior, which means negative undercurrents exist without you talking about them. Have the guts and grit to ferret out passive-aggressive behavior. The only thing worse is an asshole.
You know when someone is holding back. Don’t allow it.
What Do You Think?
We do a lot of conference calls in our business. After we hang up, we immediately call our team members back for a quick regroup. We always open that second call with the question addressed to one of the newest, least experienced team members, “What did you think?” It’s a sink or swim moment, because the newbie is put on the spot. How they react tells you volumes, and I am usually impressed. If the answer is not insightful, then the entire team immediately knows what knowledge gaps need to be filled. If the response is insightful, the entire team wins. The new member is rewarded with respect and their trust goes up.
Ask the newbie what they think. You might be surprised.
Grab Smart People Around the Neck
Beware of people who are intimidated by people smarter than themselves. They are the second most dangerous people in an organization, right behind assholes. People who are intimidated by smart people instinctively hire less capable people because they worry about being upstaged. Left unchecked, someone in a hiring position who lacks the self-confidence of dealing with smart people will dumb down an organization. I have seen people actually hide résumés of people who scared them.
Never fear hiring people more capable than you. That is the definition of success in business. Hire smart, talented people, and all the boats rise.
Gay’s Rules of Order for Effective Meetings
I believe more than half of the challenges that women face at work are a result of a lack of guiding principles in their workplace—especially around team conduct. Here are my rules on how teams interact:
You have an obligation to participate. If you don’t you will not be invited back.
You have an obligation to be heard. You were invited because we thought you had something to contribute. If someone tries to dominate the conversation, swat them down.
You have an obligation to be respectful of team members. Be all in, not on your cell phone or laptop. Meetings start and end on time, agendas are published in advance, and clear assignments are made.
You have an obligation to be blunt, truthful, and brave. If this is a shit show project, just say so. Trust the team to fix it.
You have an obligation to have a point of view and advocate it.
You have an obligation to disagree. You were not invited to sit there like a lump.
You have an obligation to be nice to ideas. Collect ideas without judgment, then come back with each team member having a vote and prioritize the best collective ideas.
You have an obligation to be sure that diverse points of view are heard.
You have an obligation to spend a few minutes before or after each meeting to say hello to your team members and ask about their family, dogs, and interests.
You have an obligation to run assholes away.
Follow my Rules of Order, and a lot of your problems will go away. If you have an obligation to participate, you cannot be offended by the microaggression of not being asked. Buck up and speak! I believe it is usually good to have a specific team leader that moderates discussions, but that does not absolve other team members of holding everyone accountable to the rules.
Mentorship Is Great, But Lack of One Is No Excuse
I am afraid that a lack of a good mentor is too often used as an excuse for why women do not excel in business. Women need mentors and men do not? Really! Do not sit around and wait fo
r a mentor to magically show up. Own your own success. I have had five mentors in my career; that is one about every six years. You will be lucky if you encounter two or three.
However, when one appears in your life, seize the opportunity and make it a great experience for both of you. Having a mentor who is willing to spend time with you is a validation of your competence. If you had not already done the hard work and built your knowledge and skills, the mentor would not waste their time on you. Take it as a compliment and work hard to give back to your mentor more than you take.
Whom will you mentor next?
Have High Expectations for Your Boss
Much of what people hope for from a mentor should actually come from their boss, supervisor, or team leader. It’s called leadership. Leaders are paid to lead and they should be accountable. Mentors are occasional volunteers. Leaders are a scalable resource. Mentors are not.
Have high expectations of your boss and take equal responsibility for the relationship. Be engaging and inspirational. Find a way to help. Raise your hand for the tough projects. Become a most valuable player.
Help your boss be better.
Be Kind, Not Nice