[Measure of Devotion 03.0] Measure of Peace

by Caethes Faron

  “Oh, well if Demetri said…” Kale drew out the words as he stood.

  “Stop. He’s not that bad. You can’t blame him for my stupidity in wanting him as my valet. He was the only slave I knew. Besides, can you imagine where I’d be right now if I’d gotten my wish?”

  Yes, Kale could. Jason would probably be happily married with a few children. Instead of avoiding his dying father, he’d probably be gathered with his family around him, letting the grandkids spend as much time as they could with their grandfather while the wife tutted and fussed, making sure Robert was comfortable. Domestic bliss, that’s what Jason would have right now had his father given him Demetri, the habitually well-behaved slave who would have never entered into a personal relationship with his master.

  Jason’s arms wrapped around Kale. His weight pressed against Kale in a comfortable and familiar way. Sometimes, Kale felt more like himself with Jason’s body pressed against his than without it. “Stop. I should know better than to mention it, even in jest. How many years do you think it’ll take until you’ll realize there’s no one I’ll ever want more than you?”

  “I do know it. I just question your judgment every now and then. I want the best for you.”

  “You are the best for me.” Jason tilted his head up and closed his eyes. It was impossible for Kale to resist Jason’s lips. It was amazing how even simple kisses still ignited something inside him. There had been thousands over the years, and every one felt like the first.

  “Well, now that that’s settled, let’s go eat.” Kale couldn’t resist lightly swatting Jason’s ass before he let him go. It was unsettling how much Jason’s presence affected him.

  When they reached the dining room, Kale was surprised to see Robert sitting at the head of the table. After their arrival, Kale hadn’t seen Robert at all. Instead of one of the normal dining room chairs, Robert was tucked into an armchair pushed up to the table. Hopefully, this was a sign he was willing to work on reconciliation.

  Robert nodded to Jason, and Jason responded in kind. A place was set on each side of Robert, and Jason sat on his father’s left, leaving Kale with the right. Once they were seated, Kale and Jason were served plates heaping with eggs, sausage, ham, tomatoes, and toast. Robert received a bowl of tomato soup.

  “I heard you had a confrontation with Carter Cartwright last night.” Robert didn’t look up from his spoon. “I don’t want you causing trouble here. I’d prefer you not tarnish my name in my home.” Apparently, he hadn’t made the effort to join them for a reconciliation, but for a scolding.

  “How did you hear about that?” Jason asked.

  “It doesn’t matter. Don’t change the subject. You’re always trying to avoid taking responsibility.”

  Kale couldn’t abide Robert’s condescending tone. “Carter started it. Jason handled himself well. He ended it before Carter could resort to blows.”

  “I don’t recall asking for your opinion. I understand you were the cause of the problem.”

  “He was defending me, yes.”

  “Kale wasn’t the cause. Carter just wanted to cause problems.” Jason interjected.

  “Yes, as well he should when one of his former slaves comes traipsing into his bar.”

  “It’s not his bar, Father.”

  “It’s more his than yours.”

  “You should be proud of Jason for not rising to the bait. He’s always been good at diplomacy.”

  “I’m aware of my son’s talent for talking his way out of problems.”

  Silence hung thick in the air. Kale concentrated on eating his eggs. There was nothing he could say to a man who had already determined to hate him no matter the circumstance.

  “What, you don’t have anything more to say? My son defends you, and you can’t be bothered?”

  “What would you like me to say, sir? You raised a fine man. Whether you choose to see that or not is up to you.” Kale held Robert’s gaze. He wouldn’t look away again. He had played the same game the last time he’d been in this dining room with Robert, except this time he was free to see it through to the end. Kale thought he saw a softening in Robert’s eyes before he succumbed to a coughing fit. Once it had passed, they all returned to eating.

  “What do you boys have planned for today?”

  Jason exchanged looks with Kale. They hadn’t discussed it. There wasn’t much to do until they heard back from Martin, and that likely wouldn’t be until tomorrow. Kale knew Jason wanted to continue reading his mother’s journals, but he certainly wasn’t going to tell Robert that. The idea of Jason cooped up inside all day dredging up the past didn’t sit well with Kale. They needed to be active. “I was hoping to tour the ranch. A man we met last night said your cattle have the best hides in the country.”

  Robert paused and lifted his eyebrows. “You must mean George.”

  “Yes, sir. Thought it’d be nice to see what all the fuss is about. He isn’t the first person who’s told me Wadsworth cattle are the best. I thought Jason and I could saddle up some horses and go for a ride.”

  “That sounds like a good idea,” Jason said, “but I don’t even know where the property line is. Do you think we could have someone show us around, Father?”

  “Hmph. That’s the problem with you: you don’t even know what you have, what I worked so hard for. John will be in from his morning rounds soon. You can have him take you out.”

  “Thank you, sir.” Kale knew Jason wasn’t about to thank him.

  Jason didn’t seem embarrassed at all by his ignorance. It was part of the fundamental problem between father and son. They didn’t value the same things, and they each took it as a sign of disrespect and lack of love. Neither recognized that they felt exactly the same.

  Chapter Fourteen

  An hour later, Kale was astride a mare, riding with Jason and John—the free man who managed the ranch—sandwiches tucked away in their saddlebags for lunch. “We’ll go down to the creek first and follow it around. It’s the lifeblood of this place.” On the way, John pointed out all the different facilities: the storehouse, the barn, the corrals. He pointed to the hay fields in the distance. They all studiously avoided the family burial plot behind the house.

  They followed the creek’s path through the land. John pointed out spots where some of the cows liked to hide when they knew their calving time was approaching. He showed them all the different places they rotated the cattle to for grazing.

  “Where’s the property line?” Kale asked John as they emerged from a wooded patch. Land stretched for kilometers in each direction, and Kale supposed they must be getting close to the boundary.

  John laughed. “I don’t have time to show you today.”

  “Mr. Wadsworth implied he wanted Jason to learn where the line is.”

  “Robert was pulling your leg. If he wanted me to take you all the way to the back line, he would have had me pack some provisions.”

  “Provisions?”

  “Yeah, you can’t reach the back of the property and get back to the house in one day.”

  “Just how big is the ranch?”

  “Right around fourteen thousand acres.”

  “What? How many cattle are there?”

  “We have a little over sixteen hundred head right now.”

  “Surely you don’t need all that acreage for that many cattle?” Jason turned to John.

  John looked at Jason like he was missing something fundamental. “Robert just likes to buy up land. He says it’s the only thing they’re not making any more of.”

  Kale liked the simple sensibility of that. Seeing the ranch, he found a lot to admire about the senior Wadsworth. For a brief moment, Kale wondered how they would have gotten along had Kale been born free and entered Robert’s life under different circumstances.

  After lunch, John showed them around for a few more hours. It was refreshing to be outside on a horse again. Kale found being surrounded by nothing but living, breathing things peaceful, and peace was something Kale needed. They
scaled a hill and beheld a panoramic view of the countryside.

  “You see the house down there?” John pointed to their right. The cabin was a tiny speck in the distance.

  “Yes, sir.” Kale replied.

  “Good. Don’t get lost. I’ve got some work to do. You should head back so you’re not late for dinner.”

  “Thank you for your time.” Kale reached out his hand. John didn’t seem to have much of a problem with Kale despite his boss’s prejudice. Or perhaps it was just that he saw more in common between himself and Kale than with Jason, even though he’d been a free man from birth.

  “Not a problem. You ever have any questions and see me around, just ask.” John nodded and rode off in a direction slightly to the left of home.

  Jason and Kale stayed at the top of the hill, enjoying the view. The sun lowered in the sky, and the landscape was awash in her red hues. Perfect lighting for a painting.

  “This is all going to be yours soon. Any idea what you’re going to do with it?”

  Jason shrugged. “Never considered it for an instant. I never thought I would inherit it, and we don’t even know if I will. There’s no telling if my father reinstated me in the will after I married Renee.”

  “Who else is he going to leave it to?”

  “John.”

  “No.”

  “He likes him. He’s like family.”

  “But he’s not blood. All your father’s ever wanted is for you to take pride in what he built for you.”

  “He didn’t do this for me.”

  “Maybe not, but he wanted to live on through it. How do you think he feels knowing his son has no interest in his life’s work? Or in remembering him through it when he’s gone?”

  “He’s the one who decided to push me out of his life.”

  “You were already out of his life before he disowned you.”

  “Why are you taking his side all of a sudden?” Jason’s forehead crinkled in irritation rather than hurt.

  “I’m not taking his side, Jason. I can just see it differently than you do. I want you and your father to be at peace. There’s no reason not to be.”

  “He’s made no secret of the fact that he despises me.”

  “You can decide to continue being mad at him, or you can try to understand him. You’re not going to change your father’s mind by holding onto your hurt and anger. It’s not an endurance test. You both make a lot of assumptions about each other. It’s almost funny how alike you are.”

  “I am not like him.” Jason scoffed.

  “Oh, yes you are. The fact that you can’t see it should make you pause and listen to me. It’s us all over again. You made an awful lot of assumptions about me in the beginning, but once you decided to get to know me, those barriers came down. He doesn’t have much time left. Try thinking less about yourself and more about him. You’re going to regret it if you don’t.”

  “No, I won’t.”

  “You’re a fool if you believe that. I know you better than you know yourself, and once it sinks in that he’s gone and he’s never coming back, you are going to break down and hate yourself for not taking advantage of this time.”

  Jason sighed. “I’ll try, Kale.”

  “I’ve heard that before.”

  “I mean it.”

  “Trying does not include reading your mother’s journals all day. They’ll still be here after he’s gone.”

  “You don’t understand. I need to feel close to her. I miss her so damn much.”

  Kale took a deep breath before he spoke, controlling his voice. “I don’t understand what it’s like to want to feel close to your mother? You can feel close to yours anytime you want. I have nothing to tie me to mine. Even if I find her, there’s nothing I can do to make the man who owns her give her to me. I’m sorry if I can’t find a tear to shed for the boy who wants to use his dead mother as an excuse to piss away his last chance at a relationship with his father. I suppose I’m the lucky one since I never knew mine.”

  Jason’s eyes widened, and his face fell. “I’m so sorry, Kale. I didn’t mean it. I’m being a selfish prick. You’re right.”

  The distress on Jason’s face pinched Kale’s chest. It was easy to forget how tenderhearted Jason really was. “I just want what’s best for you. You don’t need to apologize, just realize this time is precious, and you’re never getting it back. You might want to try talking about what you have in common.”

  “We don’t have anything in common besides our hair and eye color.”

  “Yes you do. You both have your love for your mother.”

  A shadow of hurt passed across Jason’s face. “I’m not sure we have a lot of common ground there.”

  Kale heaved a sigh. Jason always had a blind spot when it came to anything dealing with his heart. “Or you could just try not being rude to the man.”

  “He’s the one who’s rude.”

  “We’re guests in his house, and he’s your father. Show some respect. If nothing else, be the bigger man.”

  “All right, Kale. I will be.”

  “Good. Now let’s go to dinner. You can show me what a grown-up you are.” Kale smiled at Jason and set off at a gallop, leaving the tense atmosphere behind. An instant later, he heard Jason following on his heels.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jason dunked his head under the water and scrubbed the dirt from his hair. Kale had suggested they take a dip in the creek before dinner, but Jason didn’t like the idea. For one, there could be fish or other slimy tendrils in the creek that would brush up against him and scare him witless. He’d always been afraid of such things, but had thus far kept it a secret from Kale. He didn’t want to expose his ridiculous childhood fear in what he was sure would be an embarrassing moment. Not only that, but he wanted some time alone to think. Kale’s words at the top of the hill had stung, and Jason wanted to examine them further.

  There was no doubt that Kale didn’t speak out of malice or a desire to hurt Jason, so the question remained, why did his words hurt? Why did Jason hold on to this hatred of his father when Kale, who had arguably more reason to hate Robert, had so easily relinquished it? For as long as Jason could remember, he had hated his father. At this point, it was as much habit as anything else.

  No, that wasn’t true. As a child, he hadn’t had much reason to hate his father other than the fact that he wasn’t his mother. As an adult, he’d found actual reasons for his dislike. Robert’s treatment of him since he had left home and made his own choices was abominable. Robert had never been able to respect him as a man. Jason merely reciprocated.

  Still, Kale wanted him to try, so he would. After the years they had spent together, Jason knew that Kale possessed a wisdom that eluded Jason. It was one of the many reasons Jason had fallen in love with him and refused to let go. At dinner, he would try his best to at least be respectful and put forth an effort. Jason didn’t think for a moment that he would ever experience the fatherly love from Robert that other people experienced in their families, but maybe Robert could depart this world with his son’s respect and good will.

  Jason’s fingers pruned, and the water was tepid. He could waste no more time in the bath. He quickly dried off and opened the door to the bedroom. Kale was there, already dressed with Jason’s clothes laid out on the bed.

  “How is it I went to the creek to bathe and still beat you?” Kale’s hair was wet, the ends curling slightly.

  Jason shrugged. “The bath was a nice change to sitting on a horse all day. Besides—”

  “You like to think in the bath. I know. How being covered in water makes it easier to think, I’ll never know.”

  “And I’ll never understand how putting a charcoal pencil to paper can help you think.”

  “Fair point.”

  “At least yours has such beautiful results. All I get are pruney fingers.”

  “Oh, I think the result is plenty pretty.” Kale raised Jason’s hand to his lips and kissed the tip of each finger. Jason’s cheeks war
med, and Kale chuckled. It was worth the embarrassing blush to hear Kale so happy. “Now get dressed or we’ll be late for dinner.”

  * * *

  The table was set as before, with Jason’s father at the head and one place set on either side of him. Remembering his promise to put forth some effort, Jason smiled as he took his seat. “Good evening, Father. How was your day?” Jason looked at his father expectantly after he had arranged his napkin on his lap.

  There was a pause before his father spoke, as if Robert was trying to figure out what had caused this change in his son and if it was good or bad. “Fine. The doctors have me taking some nasty-tasting stuff that makes me sleep most of the day away. I haven’t been this idle since I learned to crawl.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I suppose it must make you more comfortable, though?”

  Robert coughed into his napkin. The rattle in his throat echoed the way his entire body shook. Jason was tempted to reach across and pat his back, but he was worried he might hurt his father’s fragile frame. He was at a loss. All his life, he had seen his father as tougher than old leather and stronger than the bulls they raised. Jason had never realized that it was part admiration for the man who raised him. He had always taken his father’s invulnerability for granted. Until recently, Jason had been convinced the mean old cuss would outlive them all.

  Robert’s coughing settled, and he drank some water. The glass shook in his hand. “I’ve never had the obsession with comfort that you have. I’d rather be up doing than in bed. If I’m going to die anyway, at least let me go doing what I love.”

  Typical. Robert couldn’t accept Jason’s efforts. Jason didn’t know why he let his father’s jabs affect him. Time should have made him immune to them. Kale was right; he had always been seeking his father’s approval. Any evidence that he didn’t have it hurt.

  “I’m sorry. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

  “You think you can learn how to run a ranch, so I can die knowing my life’s work won’t be run into shambles within the year? If not, there’s nothing you can do.”