[Measure of Devotion 03.0] Measure of Peace

by Caethes Faron

  “Well, the likelihood of your brother being a blathering idiot is extraordinarily slim. He is related to you.”

  “Especially the blathering part. Blathering isn’t a desirable quality in slaves.” The jovial tone outshone his fears of not connecting with his brother. What would be would be, and Kale would always love him, even if Thomas couldn’t warm up to his stranger of a brother. “How were things with your father?”

  “Really good. We’ve never talked the way we did this morning. I felt like I was meeting him for the first time.”

  “Good. Any particulars you want to share?”

  “Do you know I always thought he didn’t love my mother, but he’s been carrying a miniature of her around this entire time? Every day, right there in his pocket watch, and I never knew.”

  “It’s amazing what you can learn when you decide to listen.”

  “Yes, yes, I know. You’re right. He told me the funniest stories from when I was a child.”

  “Which you will be telling me when we have more time. I can just picture little Jason toddling around.” Kale smiled at the image. Jason would’ve been an entertaining child.

  “Yes, I will regale you with tales of my childhood later, despite never hearing any of your stories.”

  “I’m willing to bet all the money we have that my stories aren’t nearly as cute as yours.”

  “Fair enough.” Jason finished off the last bit of sandwich and wiped his mouth on his napkin. “I did learn some interesting tidbits and got the facts straightened out regarding some issues.”

  “Oh?” Kale suspected there were a quite a few things Robert set Jason straight about.

  “For starters, my father offered to move to Perdana for my mother. She’s the one who insisted they stay here.”

  “Really? I wouldn’t have guessed that.”

  “Me either, which is why I always assumed it was the other way around.”

  Kale shook his head. “When are you going to learn to stop assuming things?”

  “Probably around the same time you learn to accept just how amazing you are.”

  “Hmph. What else did you discover?” Kale stuffed the last piece of sandwich into his mouth.

  Jason’s voice lowered. “That I had a baby sister. Lydia. She died the same day as my mother.”

  Kale struggled to swallow the huge bite of roast beef in his mouth. He reached across the table for Jason’s hand. “I thought you knew your mother died in childbirth.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t know the gender of the baby. Her headstone simply says Baby Wadsworth. Father didn’t feel right about putting her name on it since she never lived.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m glad I finally know.”

  “It can be comforting, but don’t torture yourself with thoughts of what might have been.” Kale could imagine Jason staying awake at night, envisioning a little sister who would never be.

  “I won’t. I promise. It’s nice to know that at least my mother died trying to fulfill her dream of having a little girl. It gives it meaning somehow. I don’t know why that matters, though. It doesn’t change anything.”

  “It makes it easier for you. That’s something.”

  “I suppose it is.” Jason tossed his napkin on the table. “Anyway, Demetri is finding the paintings of my mother that Father stored in the attic. I have permission to display them.”

  “That’s good.” Kale withdrew his hand and leaned his elbows on the table.

  “Don’t you want to know why he put them there to begin with?”

  “I imagine he did it for the same reason I never drew my mother or Thomas and why I never let myself think about them in those early years.”

  “I suppose it is the same reason when it comes down to it. Who would have thought you and my father had something in common?”

  Kale chuckled. “I always figured I was more like him than I am you.”

  “I can see that.”

  Kale stood. “I’d love to stay and talk, but I need to get to the bank before it closes. Do you want to come with me?”

  “Sure. Father will be asleep for a while. Besides, I’ve never seen forty-two thousand in cash before.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. I always deal in transfers and checks.”

  “Then this should be fun.” Kale retrieved their documents and a valise from their room. In less than an hour, it would be heavy with the exact amount of cash required to buy a man’s life.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “Demetri, where’s my father?” Jason had just entered the dining room with Kale. He hadn’t seen his father since they’d parted earlier in the day. The seat at the head of the table was conspicuously empty, and Demetri stood dutifully behind it, as if unaware that his master was missing.

  “He wanted me to send his apologies, sir. He’s not quite feeling up to dinner tonight.”

  Robert hadn’t been able to sit all the way up earlier, but Jason had assumed he would be fine once he was able to rest. It dawned on him that he may never see his father sit in a chair again. The thought winded him. “Please, tell him not to worry. Kale and I are fine on our own.”

  “Of course, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

  “No, go back to my father.”

  “Thank you, sir.” Demetri’s tone was thick with gratitude.

  When Demetri passed, Jason grabbed his arm. Demetri stopped, and Jason gave him a gentle shake until the slave met his eyes. “Make sure he eats something. And come get me if you think anything’s wrong. Do you understand me, Demetri? If you think anything’s wrong, whether or not he does.”

  “I understand, sir. Don’t worry, between myself and Darlene, he doesn’t get away with an empty stomach.”

  Jason nodded and released his grip. Robert’s vacant chair at the table seemed as strong a presence as the man himself. It was strange to be eating dinner in this room without him present. Jason had begun to take their nightly meals together for granted.

  “I’m sure he’s fine, Jason. Probably just tired. He can take soup in his room without having to worry about entertaining us.”

  The smooth strength of Kale’s voice lulled Jason into the lie. There was nothing fine about a man who was too weak to sit up to a table.

  * * *

  Jason heard the footsteps creaking on the wood floor outside the bedroom door. He had been half awake all night listening for the sound. Slithering out of Kale’s hold, he stepped softly to the door, opening it before the visitor had a chance to knock.

  “Sir!” Demetri’s startled exclamation was what Jason expected. He hurried to close the door behind him, muffling the sound of their voices. No need to wake Kale.

  “I was awake and heard you approaching. It’s my father, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, sir. He didn’t hold down any of the food he’s had today. His breathing is shallow, and I’m worried he’ll stop breathing or choke on his own phlegm.”

  Demetri’s impeccably distanced demeanor fell away, and Jason saw the man who had cared for his father for more than two decades. “Can’t we telephone a doctor?”

  “The doctor’s already said there’s nothing he can do. He’ll send a nurse with some drugs, but the master hates being fussed over.”

  “Well, the master is going to have to learn to deal with things he doesn’t like. Send for the nurse. If need be, I can fetch her in the car. I’ll go sit with him. Come back to his room when you’re done.”

  Demetri headed downstairs, and Jason walked down the hall to his right. He hadn’t been in his father’s room since he was a little boy, shortly after his mother had died. Out of habit, he stepped over a loose floorboard outside the door. As a youngster, he had spent many a night creeping into his parent’s room when a bad dream had scared him from his bed.

  The room was dimly lit by a gas lamp. Not enough light to disturb Robert, but enough to see if anything was amiss. A straight-backed chair was pulled close to the bed. Demetri must have
been using it. Jason sat and examined his father. Each quick, shallow breath rattled the phlegm in Robert’s throat. Every so often, the breaths would be swallowed in a cough. It was tempting to wake him, to tell him to clear his throat, spit out the mucus, and go back to sleep, but Jason wasn’t naïve enough to believe that would fix the problem.

  Demetri returned. “The nurse is on her way. It will probably take her close to an hour to get here. Is there anything I can get for you?”

  “No, thank you, Demetri. Here, take your seat back.” Jason’s movement to rise was halted by the mortified look on Demetri’s face.

  “I’m find standing, sir. Thank you.”

  “Worried my father will wake and see you sitting here and me standing?”

  “He wouldn’t like it, sir.”

  “He doesn’t seem that strict with you, not as strict as I would have thought.”

  “Only because I don’t give him reason to be. He wouldn’t tolerate me acting above my station, sir.”

  Jason knew that all too well. His father was incapable of viewing people in terms of human relationships instead of the roles they played. When he saw Demetri, he saw a slave, not the man who had cared for him for years when no one else was around. When he saw Kale, he saw a slave, not his son’s lover and life companion. Then again, that seemed to be changing. Robert had been treating Kale as more of a person. Between dinners together, the card game, and offer of hospitality to Thomas, the last few days had shown Jason a different picture of his father. However, it was hard to let go of such ingrained views, especially when confronted with more proof of his old assumptions. Besides, he needed more than politeness from his father; he needed acceptance.

  “Excuse me, sir?”

  “Yes?” Jason kept looking at the father he was quickly abandoning hope of ever truly knowing.

  “It’s his way of protecting me. I’ve earned a place in this household and in the master’s esteem. He respects that. But it doesn’t do him or me any good to allow me to act as if I’m more than a slave. To sit when a free man stands is to say with my actions that I think myself better than him. It’s not true, and if your father didn’t punish for me it, I’d lose respect for him. I’d rather take punishment at his hand than get myself into the kind of trouble he can’t protect me from, sir.”

  Demetri was right. Jason had a habit of finding himself in the presence of slaves who were wiser than him. If Robert encouraged his slaves in dangerous habits, they could get in serious trouble should they be sold or act out of turn in front of someone who would demand punishment or even legal action. Kale had held the same concerns when he was a slave.

  Jason nodded his understanding to Demetri and settled into a silent vigil.

  “You’re not nearly as sneaky as you think you are.” Jason nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Kale’s voice. It was the last thing he’d expected to hear.

  “How’d you know I was in here?”

  “There’s only one place you’d be this time of night besides our bed.” Kale handed him a warm mug of coffee. “Drink this.”

  The rich aroma perked Jason up before he even tasted it, and he sipped the hot liquid. Several scoops of sugar and a generous helping of cream already sweetened the bitter drink. “Who made it?”

  “I did. You don’t think anyone else would make it up like that for a grown man, do you?”

  Kale’s familiar teasing was a welcome bit of normalcy. “I didn’t know you knew your way around the kitchen here. You’d better hope Darlene doesn’t find out.”

  “Kitchens are easy enough. She won’t find out. I left everything cleaner than I found it.” Kale rested his hand on Jason’s shoulder as Jason drank. “How is he?”

  “I don’t know, but he doesn’t look good. A nurse is on the way. We’ll know more when she gets here.”

  “I’ll sit with you.”

  “No, you should really get back to bed. You’re driving. I can sleep on the way tomorrow.” Jason wasn’t going to let anything ruin Kale’s big day. He had worked too long and too hard for it.

  “You’re not really still planning on coming, are you?”

  “We’ll see. I’ll come to bed as soon as the nurse says it’s all right. There’s a good chance everything’s fine, and we’re a bunch of overreacting dolts. But no matter what happens, you have someplace to be tomorrow.”

  Kale didn’t move.

  “Please, Kale. I can’t be worrying about you not making it to Conroy’s. I’ll be along soon.”

  Kale leaned down and kissed Jason’s temple. “Wake me if you need me.”

  Jason nodded and patted the hand resting on his shoulder. When the warmth and weight of it were gone, he missed it. He wanted nothing more than to have Kale sit with him, make him feel not so alone. If it was any other night, he would have begged him to stay. As it was, Jason wasn’t about to let his selfishness ruin Kale’s reunion with his brother.

  Jason sipped at the coffee, barely noticing when it cooled. He didn’t know how much time had passed when he heard a horse’s hooves clip-clop on the driveway. Demetri left to let the nurse in before she woke up the rest of the house. When he returned, Jason stood to allow the nurse to take the place closest to Robert.

  “Thank you for coming at this time of night.”

  “It’s not a bother, Mr. Wadsworth. It’s what I’m here for.” The nurse listened to Robert’s breath sounds and felt his pulse. “It’s nothing to be worried about. This is one of those things that sounds worse than it is.”

  “But it sounds as if he’s going to choke.” It was odd for Demetri to speak out of turn. “Ma’am.” His panic was poorly concealed on his face. This was more than just loyal concern. Jason wondered exactly what kind of relationship the slave shared with his father. Jason hoped Demetri had been able to provide companionship for his father, to prevent him from being so lonely.

  “He won’t. His heartbeat is strong. If the phlegm becomes too much, he’ll cough it up. As long as we can hear it, it means breath is getting through. I can stay awake with him and monitor his progress. There’s really no need for both of you to stay awake. It will all look better in the morning. You won’t be any use to him tonight.”

  “Are you sure? If something happens, I’ll never forgive myself if I’m not here.” Jason was certain of it.

  “I’m as sure as it’s possible to be. He doesn’t have much time left, but he’s not going anywhere tonight.”

  “All right then.” Jason turned to leave and came face to face with Demetri. The slave’s eyes dared Jason to dismiss him. He looked as set in place as stone. Looking back at the nurse, Jason asked, “What was your name?”

  “Sadie, sir.”

  “Sadie, this is Demetri. He’s my father’s personal attendant. He’s to be allowed to stay for however long he wishes.”

  “I understand, sir.”

  The gratitude in Demetri’s eyes was unmistakable.

  * * *

  Jason slipped as gently as he could into bed. Kale didn’t stir. Jason was tempted to curl around Kale’s warmth, breathe in his familiar smell, and remind himself that the man lying next to him made the worst things in life bearable, but he didn’t want to wake him. He had already robbed Kale of enough sleep tonight.

  Lying on his back, Jason’s mind drifted to his father’s room. He wondered if Demetri was going to stand there all night. Seeing his father fading away was startling, a slow agony made more distressing by the knowledge that Jason didn’t have enough time left to make up for all the lost years. It wasn’t entirely his fault. His father had decided to disapprove of Jason’s relationship with Kale. No matter what progress they had made, Jason couldn’t entirely forgive his father for pushing him away, for disowning him, for preventing any possibility of a reconciliation.

  Sleep pulled at his consciousness. Thoughts of Robert turned to thoughts of Kale. The dying man in the other room assumed Kale’s face. As surely as his father was about to leave them, Kale would one day leave too. In a flash of
selfishness, Jason hoped he would be the first to die. He sent a silent prayer to the gods. It would be easier for them to take him first than to grant him the strength it would take for him to weather such a blow. It was hard to feel greedy when he knew Kale had the mettle to survive without him. The thought of Kale grieving over him left a dull, bleak pain in his chest. He couldn’t wish that pain on his lover. If he did die first, he hoped Kale would move on to find some happiness. He’d have the opportunity to choose a companion instead of clinging to the man who had freed him.

  Jason hoped death for either of them was many years away, after they had lived a long life together, filled with travel and art and dreams and lazy days reading under a shade tree. Dread consumed him at the thought of it all being cut short. He couldn’t dictate to the gods when to take his companion. It could happen tomorrow. Any night could be their last.

  Temptation turned to necessity, and Jason curled himself around his lover. Kale would have told him to stop being stupid and wake him if he needed him, but his presence was enough. Words couldn’t chase away the specter of death. Kale shifted slightly, moving to accommodate him. Jason reached up and pulled Kale’s arm around him. As soon as he was settled, Kale’s arm gently squeezed him in an automatic gesture. Snug against Kale—where he knew he belonged—it was impossible to think that death would ever separate them. Kale would always be there to comfort him.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Kale was not surprised to find Jason absent from bed. He knew he had returned at some point in the night because he’d had to peel Jason’s arm off of him so he could pee. That was sometime after midnight, and he hadn’t expected him to stay. When Jason worried, he didn’t let himself rest much. Boy couldn’t get out of bed before eight o’clock to save his own life, but he’d be up before dawn if he thought it would help someone he loved.

  Kale quickly dressed. He was anxious to start the long drive. He dressed in a comfortable suit, not as casual as he would have been at home, but not the same level of formality Jason had insisted they wear in Shalae County. Kale had secured the deal. He didn’t need to appear as if he had forty-two thousand personally, just as if he was the type of man who would be employed by a company who could spend that kind of money on a single slave.