In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  “Dwayne, I want my couch fixed or I want a new one. That’s all there is to it.”

  “No problem, I got you covered. Let me use yo car to go see if I can find him. I need a new alternator for my car, and I’ll be right back.”

  “Go ahead, but I need to go see my daddy at the hospital by seven o’clock tonight. He ain’t doing so well and I told him I was coming to see him today.”

  “Aw, baby, it won’t take that long. I’m comin’ right back.” He snatched up the keys and jetted out the door. I could hear my tires screeching as he sped off.

  It was getting late and Dwayne still hadn’t made it back with my car. I beeped him twice and he didn’t call me back. I knew he was lying about the battery in his pager because I’d heard it go off twice while he was in the bathroom. I had gotten to the point of sometimes keeping my mouth shut because I didn’t want to argue.

  When the phone rang, I quickly answered it. It was Jesse. She called to tell me that she had gotten a new job at the post office making big dollars. They offered her more money than I would see in a lifetime.

  “Congrats, girl,” I said. “You’re moving on up in the world and that’s what’s up.”

  “Hey, gotta do what I gotta do. What’s been up with you? How are you and Dwayne getting along?”

  I never told my family the truth about what was going on, because I was ashamed. Truthfully, things were just okay, and I didn’t want to spoil her good news with my concerns. “We’re good. He’s been out looking for a job so he can help me. This welfare check ain’t about nothing, but you know I’m not going to complain.”

  “I know that’s right. But if you don’t have nothing up for the weekend, I want to go out and celebrate. Are you down or what?”

  “Count me in. I’m always up to partying, so don’t leave me out.”

  By the time Jesse and I had finished talking, it was 7:30 p.m. Visiting hours were over at eight and I felt bad because I promised Daddy I was coming to see him. As I was thinking about Daddy, the phone rang again. This time it was Dwayne. “Bree, it’s me,” he whispered. “I’m on my way.” I just slammed the phone down. And hours later, he came strolling in at almost eleven.

  I held out my hand, seething with anger. “Give me my keys and leave!”

  He brushed me off and plopped down on the couch. “What the fuck is yo problem? I’m out here bustin’ my ass to get you some furniture and this is how you repay me? Yo ass crazy! I ain’t goin’ no damn where.”

  “Oh, yes you are. Even if I have to call the police, you’re getting out of here tonight!”

  “Call’em. Do what you gotta do, but if they come, it’s gon’ be some shit up in here.”

  Dwayne and I were yelling back and forth, and the twins stood in the middle, trying to force us away from each other. The yelling and screaming had gotten so bad that I didn’t have to call the police, one of my neighbors did. The police banged on the door, demanding that I open it. I cracked the door open, peeking through it.

  “Ma’am, we got a call about some screaming and yelling going on in there. Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, it’s fine.” I said, hearing the twins sniffling in the background.

  “May we come in?” I opened the door wider and told the twins to go back in their room, while we talked to the officers. One of the officers asked Dwayne for his name.

  “Dwayne,” he snapped.

  “Dwayne what?” the officer fired back.

  “Dwayne, none of yo fuckin’ business.”

  The officers smirked at each other. “Dwayne, you need to cooperate or else we’ll take you to the police station.”

  “His name is Dwayne Montgomery,” I injected.

  “Thanks for your cooperation. I’m going to ask Mr. Montgomery to leave until things cool down a bit.”

  “I ain’t goin’ nowhere,” Dwayne implied. “Y’all can get the fuck out of here ‘cause me and my woman gon’ work this out.” He opened the door and motioned for the officers to leave.

  “Let’s go, smart ass,” one of the officers said, reaching for his handcuffs. He walked behind Dwayne and tried to push him on the ground. Dwayne resisted, releasing a gob of spit into the officer’s face. It must have really pissed him off because he put his foot in front of Dwayne’s leg and tried to trip him to the floor. That shit did not work! Dwayne had managed to overpower the officer, and when the other officer stepped in, it only made matters worse. Dwayne had some serious strength and it was a struggle for them to get the cuffs on him.

  As the scuffle went on, they’d knocked over my sofa table and broke two of my lamps. My magazines were scattered on the floor and a picture that was hanging was tilted. The living room looked as if a tornado had blown through it.

  “Would you please just cooperate,” I yelled at Dwayne as they wrestled him to the ground. He was still out of control.

  “Fuck you and fuck these muthafuckas too! I can’t believe all of this shit over nothin’!”

  Dwayne would not calm down, so one of the officers reached in his pocket and sprayed mace directly in Dwayne’s face. All of us were gagging and the officer ordered me to open up the doors and windows to clear the air. When I walked back into the living room, Dwayne was laying on his stomach with handcuffs on.

  The twins and I stood outside, coughing and trying to breathe in the fresh air. We watched the police haul Dwayne away, and I’ll been damned if I didn’t have a Déjà vu moment again. Just like my father, I watched Dwayne yell profanities at the officers, but he did it to the extreme. “Y’all White muthafuckas can’t hurt me!” he yelled. “Y’all dead as ever! I can promise you that!”

  Several of my neighbors had stepped outside to see what the flashing lights were about. I was so embarrassed that I took the twins back inside and shut the door.

  I couldn’t believe what had happened. How did a little argument get so out of hand? I had no idea Dwayne had that much strength. He had so much power it scared me. Now, I knew why many of his friends feared him and always came to him when they had trouble. And it definitely explained why Mike Tyson was his idol.

  Nearly an hour later, the phone rang. It was Dwayne asking me to pick him up from the police station.

  “Where is it?” I asked.

  “It’s right around the corner on St. Charles Rock Road. I’ll be outside by the time you get here.”

  “We need to talk, Dwayne.”

  “We will. Just come pick me up. I want to get the fuck out of here.”

  When I arrived, Dwayne was standing outside of the police station. He jumped in the car, gave the twins a kiss and apologized to them. They were all smiles and seemed to really like Dwayne a lot. I truly believed he cared for them, maybe even more than he cared for me. He didn’t say anything to me until we got back home. We were in the kitchen and I stood with my back against the counter while he sat in a chair. “Brenda, you really blew this shit out of proportion. All I was tryin’ to do was find Stanley to see if he would give me a good deal on some furniture.”

  “But I told you I wanted to go see my father. If you were going to be late, all you had to do was call.”

  “I couldn’t call because I didn’t have a quarter for the payphone. Besides, I wasn’t makin’ any stops until I found Stanley.”

  “I beeped you over and over again but you didn’t call me back.”

  “I told you my battery was low. It’s probably dead by now.” He looked at his pager, pretending to check for numbers.

  “I heard your pager go off earlier so I know the battery ain’t low.”

  His voice rose. “I said I didn’t get no damn beep! What more do you want me to say?” I gave up because he started to get loud again. I didn’t want the police to return, nor did I want the twins to witness more drama.

  “So, what happened at the police station?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Them assholes spoke another tune when we got to the station. They told me that they didn’t like my Black ass and I told them I didn
’t like their White asses. We talked about the fight, they told me to watch my temper, gave me high-five, a court date, and then released me.”

  I was surprised to hear that, but realized that things could have turned out a lot worse. This was the first big argument Dwayne and I had. I hoped like hell that there would be no more.

  The next morning, I drove to the hospital to see Daddy. He wasn’t looking good but he was able to recognize me when I came into the room. My eyes filled with water and I could barely talk to him. I kissed him on the cheek and held his hand.

  “Hi, Daddy. How are you feeling?” I asked.

  “Aw…baby girl, I’m doin’ okay. They got me hooked up to all these damn machines and I can’t do nothin’.”

  “I’m sorry about yesterday. I had car trouble.”

  “Damn, that car breakin’ down on you already?”

  “Yep. But I already got it fixed,” I lied. There was no way I was going to tell Daddy the real reason I didn’t show.

  “Where my babies at? I thought you were goin’ to bring them.”

  “They were asleep when I left. I didn’t want to wake them.”

  “Umm…how are things with you and Dwayne?”

  “They cool,” I said. “But can always be better.”

  Daddy didn’t say much else. For the several years that I’d known him, I had never seen him look so drained. He was a fine man and being in the hospital did him no justice. After a while, I could tell he was getting restless. I propped up some pillows for him so he could rest and I braided his hair. As he fell asleep, many tears fell down my face. I left feeling as if I would lose the father I had only known for such a short time.

  He had been very vague about his condition, so I really didn’t know nor did I understand what was going on with him. All I knew was his kidneys and liver were failing him and the only thing that could help him was dialysis. I just wasn’t sure if it could save him.

  When I got home, my cousin Josh had stopped by and he, the twins and Dwayne started playing monopoly. The twins didn’t know how to play, but they were having fun with the money. “Bree, you wanna get in on this game with us?” Dwayne asked.

  I didn’t feel like doing anything because my head was banging. Seeing Daddy had taken a toll on me. “Naw, that’s alright. Y’all go ahead and finish playing.”

  “How yo daddy doin’?”

  “He’s doing okay.”

  “You sure you don’t wanna get in this game with us? It might help you take yo mind off things?”

  “I’m sure. I’m gonna go lay down for a while, to see if I can get rid of this headache.” I went into my room, laid on the bed and passed out.

  Later that day, Dwayne came into the bedroom, kissing me on my lips to wake me. “Josh and me gonna make a run to my parents’ house so I can change clothes. Can I use yo car? You know mine still down and I ain’t got no money to fix it right now.”

  “I don’t care,” I said in a groggy tone. “Just be careful and don’t tear up my car.”

  As soon as Josh and Dwayne left, I got up and cooked the twins and me something to eat. Shantell stopped by later and we sat up talking about her boyfriend, James, and Dwayne. She was the only friend I had who could relate to my relationship with Dwayne because she was going through some of the same stuff with James. I thought her situation was much worse than mine because James was married, had numerous kids, was on drugs and abused her.

  As we chatted for what seemed like hours, Dwayne hadn’t called. A ride to the city to change clothes didn’t take almost six hours.

  By the time they decided to show up, Shantell was still there. They walked in and Dwayne had the nerve to look at Shantell like…what are you doing here?

  “What took so long?” I asked.

  “You didn’t give me no time limit to get back here so don’t start bitchin’.”

  “I just asked you a question. You don’t have to get all bent out of shape about it.”

  His face twisted up. “Why every time I leave you got me on some damn time clock? Don’t make no sense that a brotha can’t come and go as he pleases.” He walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. Slammed it so hard that it knocked one of the pictures in my kitchen off the wall.

  I turned to Josh for answers. I knew my cousin would be honest and tell me what was up. “Josh, what took y’all so long?” I asked.

  “Nothing cuz. We just went to his house, messed around for a while, and then stopped to get some grub.” I thought I could depend on Josh to tell me the truth, but I guess he forgot to tell me why both of them had the apartment lit up with alcohol, and another peculiar smell was coming from their clothes.

  For the rest of the night, Dwayne and I didn’t say much to each other. He had an attitude and so did I. Shantell whispered for me to follow her outside, so I did.

  “What’s up girl?” I asked.

  “Didn’t you say Dwayne don’t do drugs?”

  “Yeah, but sometimes he smokes weed.”

  “Well, honey, I’m here to tell you him and Josh look like they on something. They smell just like James do after he’s been on one of his crack binges.”

  “A while back somebody told me they saw Dwayne smoking premos with some dudes in Kinloch, but I never asked him about it.”

  “You should because I guarantee you, he’s on something.”

  Shantell pretty much hipped me to what was going on, as I had been in denial. It definitely explained why some of these things were happening, and like it or not, he’d have to eventually come clean.

  ***

  Daddy called me to pick him up from the hospital. They were releasing him, provided that he continued his dialysis. When I got there, he looked better. The nurse showed me how to set the dialysis machine so I could operate the one he’d already had at home. While in the car, he joked around about my terrible driving, making me laugh. “When We Get Married” played on the radio and he turned it up, singing it so beautifully.

  “One day yo Mama and me gon’ get married again. We gon’ have a big weddin’ and invite everybody from our families to come. The first time we got married, I married her in your grandparents’ livin’ room on Cote Brilliante. It was nice, but this time we gon’ go all out.”

  I had to laugh, because I figured Mama wasn’t down with his plan. She loved my daddy, no doubt, but marrying him again she wouldn’t do. Or, at least I suspected she wouldn’t, based on our conversations.

  When we got to his house, I helped him up the stairs to his bedroom and did my best to set up his machine for him. We talked for several more hours, and once he was tucked in bed, I noticed his voice was getting tired. I told him I was leaving, but before I made it to the door, he stopped me.

  “Brenda, next time you come, don’t forget to bring my babies.”

  “I won’t Daddy. I promise.”

  He cleared his throat and let out a rough cough. “I…I don’t think I’m gonna make it. If I don’t, always remember, Daddy loves you, all right?” I swallowed, and like often, my emotions took over.

  “I know you do, Daddy, and I love you too. And you are going to make it, so don’t say that. Just get some rest, okay?”

  He nodded. “Bye baby.”

  “Goodbye Daddy.”

  I left and couldn’t stop crying in the car about my daddy. I made a mental note to bring the twins to see him and I wanted him to spend as much time with them as he could.

  Josh was at my apartment waiting for me when I got there. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “My gal put me out and I ain’t got no place to go. Would it be okay if I stay with you? It would only be for a short while. I’ll give you a little somethin’ for lettin’ me stay.”

  I wasn’t happy about it, but had sympathy for Josh. His mother was killed when he was a baby and he never knew who his father was. My grandparents raised him, but he’d never gotten along with my grandfather. I couldn’t let my cousin be homeless. “I guess so, Josh. If you don’t have no place to stay, I gu
ess so.”

  “Thanks, Cuz. And, uh, Dwayne told me to tell you he’ll be back later. He said call him.”

  I felt as if this was a great opportunity to talk to Josh, so I sat on the couch next to him, turning down the loud TV. “Hey Josh, be honest. Did you and Dwayne get high yesterday?”

  “Naw, cuz. We had some weed but it wasn’t about nothin’. You be kind of stressin’ my nigga, don’t you?”

  I cocked my head back. “I can’t believe you said that. If anything, he be stressing me.”

  “I know he do. I’m just kiddin’. Do me a favor, though, and don’t tell him I told you about the weed.”

  “I won’t.”

  That day, I could barely focus on anything other than what Daddy had said to me earlier. I’d hoped he wasn’t giving up. As long as he stayed on his dialysis, he would be fine. I called to check on him but no one answered the phone. I just wanted to hear his voice to make sure he was okay. Afterward, I called Dwayne to tell him about Daddy because I hadn’t talked to Dwayne all day. As usual, he didn’t call me back after I beeped him. Josh told me he was probably at his parents’ house so I called him there. A voice that I didn’t recognize answered.

  “May I speak to Dwayne?” I asked politely.

  “Who is this?” she asked with a snobby voice. I kept my cool because I didn’t know who it was.

  “This is Brenda.”

  “Bitch, don’t be calling here for Dwayne! He don’t want yo ass anymore!” she said, sounding like a…White girl? Then she hung up.

  I dialed the number again, but no one picked up. I called again, but this time, Dwayne answered. I could hear the chick yelling and screaming in the background like she was losing her mind.

  “Who is that bitch?” I yelled, too.

  “That’s my ex-girlfriend down here trippin’ and shit.” I could still hear her in the background, telling him to hang up the phone.

  “Since when did you have a White ex-girlfriend? And what is she doing in your house?”

  “Brenda, she just—” The phone went dead again.

  Twice I called back, but no one answered. I was so mad that I stuffed all of Dwayne’s clothes into a trash bag, asked Josh to watch the kids, and hopped into my Horizon. After I stopped at the gas station for gasoline, I dashed down the street going sixty miles an hour. By the time I reached Interstate 70, I was up to eighty miles. I was going so fast that my car started to shake—felt like it was going to break down at any minute.