In My Shoes

by Brenda Hampton

  “Nope, nobody got hurt. The clerk was very cooperative.” He reached in his pocket, pulling out several hundred dollar bills. “Baby, this is two-thousand dollars. Put this up for us, okay?”

  I hesitated to take the money, but opened a safe that I had in my closet and put it with the rest of our money. I didn’t feel comfortable doing so, but the money sure did look enticing. I was so afraid for Dwayne, and never in my wildest dream did I think I’d be traveling down this path. Before going to sleep that night, he told me he had a surprise for me. I couldn’t wait to see what it was going to be.

  Dwayne got up early, telling me he would be back later with my surprise. I dropped the twins off at school and went to Kmart to get some merchandise for a lady who wanted to buy some clothes for her kids. As I was leaving the store, the security guard came after me, flashing a badge.

  “Excuse me, Ma’am. I’m going to need you to come back into the store with me.”

  I wanted to run, but with the clothes I had stacked underneath my own clothes, making me look as if I weighed three hundred pounds, I wouldn’t get far. The security guard held my arm, escorting me to a room in the far back. As we walked, all eyes were on me.

  “That’s a damn shame,” one lady said, shaking her head.

  Another group of teenagers stood by laughing. The cashiers all stopped waiting on their customers, just to look at me. I was humiliated, and it was the first time I had ever been caught shoplifting.

  “Have a seat,” the security guard said, being very polite. I sat in the chair, observing the many cameras in which I knew he’d seen me on. He was going through my fat purse, pulling out merchandise. “Why are you out here doing this? Don’t you know it makes it hard on customers when we have to raise the prices because of people like you?”

  I gave a sob story about being on welfare and having no money. That didn’t work for the security guard, especially when he looked through my purse and found five-hundred dollars in cash. I was asked to remove the clothes tucked underneath mine, and having no sympathy for me, he called the police.

  The police came and told me that as long as I cooperated, they wouldn’t arrest me but would give me a summons to appear in court. They did, and shortly thereafter, I was released.

  Dwayne was at home waiting for me. “Where have you been? I’ve been callin’ around lookin’ for you,” he said.

  Uneasy about what had happened, I plopped down on the couch and touched my head to soothe my migraine headache. “I got caught shoplifting today. They let me go, but I gotta go to court in about one month.”

  Dwayne cocked his head back in shock. “Damn, that’s messed up, but don’t stress yourself about it. At least you didn’t go to jail. I’ll go to court with you, if you want me to.”

  I nodded, feeling a little at ease because he would be with me. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

  I still had a bad feeling inside. Things could have been worse, but was this just the beginning of more run-ins with the law to come? To perk me up, Dwayne touched my hands with his and smiled.

  “I know that I haven’t been right since we’ve been together and I’ve been feelin’ bad about all the shit I’ve put you through. None of it was done purposely, but sometimes I get to trippin’. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t do right when it comes to you. But girl…I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I’m not ready to get married yet, but I’m givin’ this to you as a promise. I promise to love you, to love yo kids, to take care of you, to stop lyin’ to you, to never cheat on you, again, and to treat you like you deserve to be treated.” Dwayne reached in his pocket, pulling out a small black velvet box.

  I took it from his hand and opened it. The ring was beautiful. It was a huge nugget ring with a cluster of diamonds in the middle. I removed it from the box, sliding it on my finger. It fit perfectly.

  “Thank you,” I said, reaching over to give him a hug. Yeah, we had been to hell and back, but our relationship felt destined at times. “That was so nice of you. I had no idea you were going to give me a ring.”

  “Bree, you’ve put up with my shit for years. At the end of the day, all we got is each other. The ring is the least I can do.”

  That night, I called my friends and bragged about the diamond/nugget ring I’d gotten. I always felt as if I had something to prove to everyone about my relationship and that was, Dwayne loved me. Truth is, I hadn’t even convinced myself of that. Many of them felt that with all the crap I’d been through, a ring was no big deal. I invited them over on Saturday for drinks and some grub. Shantell, Rosalind, and Loretta said they could make it, but Dana declined. I’d met some new chicks in the apartment complex where I lived and also invited them. Jesse said she couldn’t make it because she and Anthony had gotten tickets to a play. She insisted that we needed to talk about something she was going through and promised to come see me soon.

  On Saturday, I took the twins to Mama’s house. She was so happy to see them, even though they visited her every single weekend. Since I’d moved out, Mama and my relationship had gotten a lot better. I talked to her almost every day, and whenever we saw each other, we had nothing but respect for one another. She despised Dwayne, though, and therefore kept her distance.

  Before our friends came over, I had put money under my mattress, in my dresser drawer, and in the safe. It totaled every bit of $9,385 dollars. When Dwayne got out of the shower, he double checked me and put nine thousand back into the safe and three eighty-five under the mattress. I headed for the kitchen to cook and waited for our guests to arrive.

  My little apartment was packed like sardines with Dwayne’s friends and mine. We had a blast watching movies, drinking, playing spades and listening to music. I put together some of my favorite tacos and they were gone before I knew it. Of course, I showed off my ring to everyone, and as usual, there were haters.

  “It don’t look like it cost that much to me,” Loretta said, as I held my finger out for her to look at the ring. “I bet you got that ring at a pawnshop, didn’t you?”

  “Pawnshop or no pawnshop,” Dwayne shot back. “That mutha cost me almost a grand and my baby deserves it.”

  I blushed, pulling my hand back and thanked my man for being so kind.

  As the night went on, beer and soda was getting low so I asked Dedra and Charlene, some of my new friends from the apartment complex, to go to the store with me. I asked Dwayne for some money and he told me to get the three eighty-five from underneath the mattress. I looked for it, but it wasn’t there. I recounted the money in the safe, but there was only the nine thousand that we had put in there earlier. I yelled for Dwayne, and he came into the room, closing the door behind him.

  “Didn’t you put some money under the mattress?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I did. Why? It ain’t there?”

  “No, it’s not. I counted what was in the safe and it’s all there.” Dwayne sucked in his bottom lip, which usually meant he was pissed. He opened the bedroom door, storming into the living room.

  “Attention everyone,” he said, whistling to silence the noise and flickering the light switch. “Listen up. We seem to have a small fuckin’ problem. Somebody went into my room and took some money. I know it wasn’t none of my boys ‘cause y’all niggas know I don’t play that shit. So, which one of y’all bitches got my money.”

  “Dwayne, hold up,” I said. “No need to disrespect my friends, and who says none of your friends didn’t take the money? They are just as guilty—”

  “Brenda, shut up! I got this, and when it comes to my money, don’t nobody fuck with that. Fellas,” he said, directing his friends. “Go outside for a minute.”

  Without any hesitation, his friends got up and went outside. That left me, Rosalind, Dedra, Shantell, Loretta, Tanya, Pat, Jerry and Charlene.

  “Sit the fuck down,” Dwayne ordered. Everybody hesitantly took a seat. We squeezed in on both couches and everybody looked in awe.

  Dwayne left the living room and came back within a
few seconds. In his hand was a silver pistol, and he pushed the clip inside of it. “What are you doing with a gun in here,” I said, frowning and standing to my feet. I had never seen it before and how dare him have a gun in here without me knowing it.

  “Sit down and close yo mouth,” he said, pointing the gun between Pat and me. “Y’all got three choices here, so listen up. Choice number one, I turn off the lights and y’all move around the table as fast as you can, ring-around-the-rosy style. When I turn the lights back on, the money better be on the table. Choice number two, I take everybody in the bathroom, one by one, and make you strip until I find my fuckin’ money. Or, of course, there’s always choice number three, and that is, I start blowin’ muthafuckas heads off!”

  My friends sat in disbelief, but from experience, many knew Dwayne wasn’t bullshitting. Shantell pleaded for whoever had the money to return it.

  “Whoever got it, just give it up. Don’t be getting me involved in no mess like this, especially when y’all already know Dwayne’s ass be trippin’.”

  I added my two cents. “I don’t want no mess, so please just hand it over.”

  “Option one,” Dwayne yelled, turning off the lights and putting us in pure darkness. He even turned on the stereo, giving us some music as some of us marched around the table like we were playing musical chairs. After five long minutes of shuffling around in the dark living room, Dwayne turned the lights back on. All eyes dropped to the floor and the money was scattered all over it. Dwayne pulled the trigger on the gun, causing a bullet to go straight through the wall.

  “I said put the money on the table, not the floor! Now, get the fuck out!” he yelled, but by then everybody was already at the door, rushing out. “I should kick all y’all stupid asses!” he continued.

  I stood in complete, utter shock. I screamed at the top of my lungs. “What in the hell are you doing!”

  He cocked his neck from side to side with a smirk on his face. “Ay, you got your money back, didn’t you? What’s the problem?”

  I rolled my eyes and stormed off into the kitchen to clean up. I said nothing else to no one because I was just as mad at whomever the person was who took the money. They were supposed to be my friends and made me look like a fool for accusing his friends.

  Dwayne was so mad that he asked his friends to leave too. He cursed at me for putting so much trust in my friends, and when I brought up the fact that he had a gun in my home, he jetted. I lay back on my bed, wondering what was next.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The judge handed down a $250 fine for shoplifting. Since I was now racking up about six-hundred dollars a day, I easily paid the court on my way out. Dwayne said that stealing would remain on my police report for seven years, but at the time, a police report didn’t mean anything to me.

  Once he dropped me off at home, he went to the city. His city trips were still somewhat of a mystery, but every time he came home, he added to our bank. There seemed to be no limit for either of us, and I couldn’t believe that the bottom-line had come down to making the almighty dollar by any means necessary. I had gotten bold with my game, and strolling out of the store with two or three televisions in a cart was like taking candy from a baby. Dwayne, on the other hand, he was not only bold with his game, but had gotten ruthless. I watched him go after people who crossed him, knocking them out cold. He had become even more protective of me, and when some of my friends and I got robbed at Pantera’s Pizza on Kingshighway, Dwayne found out who the dude was and promised me that he regretted it.

  Another time, a dude sprayed water from a super-soaker gun on me and Jesse while we hung out with some friends at O’Fallon Park. Dwayne saw what had happened, and all hell broke loose. He removed the blue and white bandana tied around his head and snatched off his muscle shirt. I witnessed him and his friends stomp the dude, knocking out nearly every teeth in his mouth and bashing his head with their fists. I was in tears, listening to the dude beg for them to stop. Dwayne was the aggressor, and even though many of the young women spectators appreciated the look of sweat beads forming on his chiseled abs, I yelled for him to stop. He turned to me with a heaving buffed chest.

  “Go get my pistol out of my car,” he ordered and wiped the sheen of sweat from his forehead. “This nigga trippin’!”

  I shook my head, watching as many people cleared out. “No,” I said. “Tell your friends to stop. It’s not that serious, Dwayne, and it was just some water.”

  He sucked his teeth, and after telling his friends to chill, he told me to go punch the dude in his face for spraying water on me. I refused and reached my hand out to help the dude up as he squirmed on the ground. His face was battered and bloody. I felt awful.

  “Do you need an ambulance,” I asked, as the dude gripped his side.

  Dwayne pushed me away, punching the dude in his face again, staggering him. I screamed out loudly to get Dwayne’s attention. “Stop it! Let’s go or I swear I will find the police and have everyone out here arrested!”

  That sure as hell got his attention, and it allowed the dude to limp away.

  “I thought yo ass was supposed to be down with me?” Dwayne shouted.

  I gazed into his eyes, trying hard to reach his soul. This Ride or Die shit had gone too far, and I started to renege on being that kind of chick. “I am down with you, and I appreciate you protecting me, but I don’t want you to go to jail for killing nobody. I want you with me and the twins. Fuck him and let’s get out of here.”

  Jesse threw in her two cents as well. “Yeah, Dwayne, let’s go. He ain’t even worth it.”

  We all got in our cars, and on the drive home, everyone in our car rode in silence.

  ***

  Charlene was my card buddy in the complex, so I called her to come over and keep me company. We stayed up until four o’clock in the morning playing spades, and the thought of Dwayne not being there or calling had crossed my mind. I didn’t want to alarm Charlene but I think she could tell something was bothering me. Our last game ended at five-fifteen in the morning and still, no Dwayne.

  After Charlene left, I didn’t want to be disrespectful by calling his parents’ house at that time in the morning, so instead, I called my cousin Josh to see if he’d heard from him. Josh answered sounding sleepy.

  “I haven’t seen him in days,” he said. “I thought he was with you.”

  “I haven’t seen him either. I’m really worried about him. I hope nothing bad has happened.”

  “I doubt it, Brenda. I didn’t want to tell you this, but Dwayne be messin’ with that PCP. Sometimes, he don’t know if he comin’ or goin’ and he…he also seein’ somebody else. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t want you to get your feelings hurt. He’s probably at her house, so no need to worry. He’ll show up soon.”

  My brows went up, but I really wasn’t that surprised about Dwayne seeing someone else. It was pretty obvious by the numerous pages on his beeper, the late nights and our sexual connection had dropped to a two, on a scale from one to ten. I just couldn’t give my all, sexually, to a man, who in my gut, I felt had wronged me. What Josh had said hurt, but Dwayne had cheated so much that I started to have little reaction. The PCP did surprise me though. “PCP?” I said. “What in the hell is that?”

  “It’s like embalming fluid. Makes you feel like you can walk on water and do crazy shit like fly.”

  “What?” I shouted. “Why haven’t you ever told me this and whatever happened to y’all just smoking weed?”

  “I didn’t want to be caught in the middle. You know how Dwayne is. I didn’t want no trouble.”

  “Well, thanks for telling me, Josh. This explains why so much has been going on with us. I’ma see what I can do about getting him some help.”

  “No doubt. I’m going back to bed, and you already know what’s up. Don’t tell him you got yo info from me, all right?”

  “I won’t. Thanks, Josh, go back to bed.”

  I hung up and experienced that same painful lump in
my burning throat I had felt many, many times before. I had lost so many nights of sleep, worrying about Dwayne and was making myself sick. I couldn’t sit still, so I drove around looking for him, and by seven-thirty in the morning, I returned home. Having no luck, I stayed by the phone all day, and every time it rang, my heart skipped a beat. Everybody had called: Mama, Jesse, Rita, Dedra, and many of his friends. Still, no Dwayne.

  By the end of the day, I didn’t know if he was dead or alive. I must have beeped him a trillion times and called his parents’ house more than that. Everyone continued to tell me that they hadn’t heard from him.

  One whole week had gone by and it was as if Dwayne had fallen off the earth. I was miserable. On Friday, I got up to take the twins to school and went to the welfare office to renew my assistance. My caseworker called my name and I entered the small cubicle area to discuss my case.

  “Ms. Hampton, why are you here with such a long face?” my caseworker teased.

  I shrugged. “No reason. I’m just not feeling well today.”

  “Have you been looking for a job?”

  “Yes, I have but I haven’t found anything yet,” I lied.

  A look of disgust covered her face and she laid her pen on her desk. She sighed, searching deep into my tired and puffy eyes. “You know, you look like a young lady who has a lot of good potential. Don’t let your life go to waste by being on welfare forever. This system was designed to handicap people like me and you, if you know what I mean. There’s a program we’ve being trying to put together to help single mothers like you get off welfare and find good jobs. Would you be interested in participating in such a program?”

  “Sure, why not,” I said, shrugging with little enthusiasm. She updated the information for me to renew my assistance and continued to talk about the program.

  “I’ll be sending you some information in the mail, as soon as it becomes available.”

  “Thanks, Ms. Johnson,” I said, standing to leave.