“Yeah, I did.”
“Do you regret it?” he asked.
Was that vulnerability in his voice?
“I’d do it again.”
The icy quality to his eyes warmed. He leaned closer, palmed the back of my head, and pressed his lips to my hairline. My eyes closed. Affection wasn’t something I was used to. I took it straight to my heart because I didn’t know where else to put it.
“Go back inside. Your sack is gonna freeze.” With every word he spoke, his lips brushed over my forehead.
I grinned.
Hopper pulled away, a half smile tugging his lips. He gestured toward the door with his chin. “I’ll still be here when you’re done.”
When I was at the door, he called to me. “Hey, A?”
I glanced around.
“Put on a shirt, would you? You’re driving me crazy.”
I was smiling when I stepped inside.
Lorhaven stood there, just feet from the door, scowling. “What. The. Actual. Fuck?”
“Where’s Joey?” I asked, moving farther into the room, toward my dresser for some clothes. Following Hopper out into the freezing weather seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now I was just going to low-key freeze to death.
“She’s still out of town, doing interviews. I took the jet. I gotta be back later today. Grab some shit. You can come with.”
I glanced up from the open drawer. “No.”
Jace raised an eyebrow. “No?”
“I have shit here to do.”
“You better not be talking about that douche.”
I pulled out a black T-shirt and tugged it over my head. “He’s not a douche.” Then I rummaged around for a red-and-black flannel, which was well worn and well loved. It was also warm.
“Need I remind you what he did to Josie?” Lor asked, smug.
Both my arms slid into the flannel at the same time, and the fabric fell around my body. I left it unbuttoned and reached in for a pair of black jeans.
I shoved my hair out of my face and made a sound. “What happened to Joey wasn’t his fault.”
Lor scoffed. “Is that what he’s saying?”
“No. He didn’t say anything,” I rebutted. Sure, we talked about Joey briefly, but it wasn’t even anything worth mentioning. If anything, Hopper agreed with my brother about his guilt.
“Because he’s fucking guilty.” Lor persisted.
“He is not,” I snapped. “He ain’t the first person to make a mistake either.”
Jace stalked in the room and stared down at the two Styrofoam cups and box of donuts. “Why are you defending him?”
I finished dressing, pulled on some socks, then reached for my black high-tops. “I like him.”
He sucked in a breath. “You don’t know him.”
I shook my head. “I know more than you think. We have an… understanding of each other.”
“I know he’s got some kind of past.” Lorhaven began emphatically. “Joey eluded to that much. But, A… What you went through, not many people can understand that.”
“But you do?” I challenged.
“I was here,” he shot out. “I found you that night, right over there.” His voice cracked when he swung and pointed to the farthest corner in the room. “Bloody. Beaten so bad I wondered if your face would ever be the same. Your clothes were ripped, some even missing. And your fingertips.” His voice went hoarse. “They were rubbed raw, like you’d been clawing at something, like you fought so long it literally ripped off your skin.”
The brick wall. They pinned me behind the dumpster right by the brick wall.
The putrid smells from the dumpster still wafted up my nose sometimes. I could smell it right then, the spoiled food, animal waste, and week-old garbage. I clawed at the bricks. I tried to get away. I tried to run. I couldn’t get away.
“You were damn near catatonic.” Jace continued, jolting me out of the horrid memory. “You couldn’t walk, and when I tried to help you, clean you up…”
It was the first time he’d ever gone into detail or so much as hinted at the way he perceived the night he found me. I’d never asked because, honestly, just trying to handle my version of that night was more than enough.
I waited for the pain to slice me. For the mind-numbing panic to wipe out the rest of my thought.
Neither came.
“I what?” I pressed.
“You flinched away.” It seemed that was the worst for him. It made me feel incredibly guilty for my own desires. Lorhaven had given up a lot for me. It seemed disloyal to want things I knew he wouldn’t approve of.
It was wrong of me to act like Lorhaven couldn’t understand. He didn’t, at least not from my perspective or at the physical level of what I endured. But he was haunted as well; that was evident in the vivid way he spoke of that night and the hollow tone in his voice.
“If only I’d answered my phone,” he groaned. “If only I’d been there.”
“What happened to me wasn’t your fault, Jace,” I said, using the name very few did. I hoped it made my words sincerer. “And you’ve been there for me since. I wouldn’t have survived without you.”
His eyes flashed up, stark pain and fear echoing through his dark stare. I knew he was remembering that night. The other night that came months after my rape.
We never talked about it, but it was always in the room with us.
It was time to put it to rest.
“I’ve put you through a lot.” I began. Jace stiffened and opened his trap to argue. I held up my hand. “Listen,” I demanded.
He relented.
“Not only did you find me that night, but you found me again, the night I tried to kill myself.”
“You don’t have to talk about it.”
“Yes, I do.” I insisted. “It’s brought us here. And it’s holding us back, holding me back.”
Jace went over to a large tool chest and leaned against it. “All right.”
“I hit rock bottom. And I stayed there for a long time. As lousy as it was, it was better than where I’d been, you know?”
He nodded.
“I let you take responsibility for me. I let you take over my life.” He stiffened, and I rushed on to say, “I’m grateful you did. I’m grateful for you.”
The confrontational look in his face drained away. Left was just my brother, the one I knew best. The one who in recent years had become more like a dad to me than anything else.
Yes. A dad. Not a father.
There was a difference.
“I needed it. I lost everything.” My voice went hoarse. Emotion, memories, and feelings that haunted me still rose up. But I kept going. I couldn’t shove this shit down anymore. It was leaking out of my pores, out in my behavior (or lack thereof), and holding me down.
“My future. My home. My family. Hell, even my past. It was like Dad just completely erased me. Dylan died. Arrow was born.” I paused, sucking in a breath. “But I still had you. You stuck by my side. Not only did you accept me for who I was, but you shared your money with me. You gave me a place to live. You taught me about driving, about cars.”
“You’re my brother,” he said simply, like that trumped everything.
“Yeah, but Dad taught me blood isn’t always everything.”
“Dad is a giant dick,” Lorhaven announced.
We both snickered.
“You loved me when no one else did.”
“Donna loves you,” Lorhaven insisted. “Hell, she left Dad because of the bullshit he pulled.”
My mother did love me, and I loved her. I still saw her to this day. I spent holidays and birthdays at her house.
But it was different.
Mom loved me, but it was Lorhaven I depended on. She just wasn’t as strong as him.
“I love you,” I told him. I wasn’t sure how many times I’d told him. I could count them on one hand. I didn’t recall ever coming right out and stating it so bluntly.
My father would tell me say
ing that made me weak. He’d tell me I was being “gay” because I admitted how I felt.
Screw him.
“Thank you. Thank you for being more of a dad to me than our own father ever was.”
Jace shifted from foot to foot. He sniffed, and I hid a smile. I’d gotten to him.
“Why does it feel like you’re breaking up with me?”
I laughed.
“It’s not you; it’s me.” I joked.
He rolled his eyes. But then his lips twitched. “Of course it’s not me. I’m fucking perfect.”
“I need to take responsibility for myself now. For my own life. I can’t do that when I’m hiding in your shadow.”
“You were never hiding,” he rebutted softly.
“I was. I am. And it’s okay because I needed that time. You gave it to me. But now I need to make choices and take risks. That’s what life is. It’s not locking myself behind a fence and only taking opportunities that are the safest.”
“I don’t think you’re ready,” he admitted, but not unkindly.
“I’m not or you’re not?”
His tongue slid over the front of his teeth, and he smiled. “Both.”
“I want more,” I replied, stark. The words startled me because I realized I meant them. The way I was living right now, it just wasn’t enough anymore.
“So I guess all this stepping out of my shadow talk means you’re signing with NASCAR and not the NRR.” Jace surmised. I couldn’t read him just then; I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He was digesting everything I was saying.
He was listening, though. I had his ear, so I forged on.
“NASCAR is something I have to do. It’s a way for me to stare into the face of something I’ve been rejected for, something I’ve been abused for, and smile. Signing that contract is like giving the middle finger to everyone who ever hated me for being gay. I know it will be harder than the NRR, but I’ve been through worse. I need to stop letting being gay define me and instead define being gay.”
Silence fell around us, around my words. I didn’t realize how right those words felt until I gave them a voice, until I let them out of the prison inside me.
Was I healed?
I didn’t know what that even meant. I would always have those reminders. The triggers. I would be defined forever by everything that happened to me. I was tired, though, tired of fighting against it. Tired of trying to push it away.
There was no pushing it away. I could no more push away my past than I could live with a still heart.
I couldn’t embrace it either.
Acceptance. It was my only option. I could accept what happened to me. I didn’t have to like it; I just had to acknowledge it was there.
I could be a work in progress. Better that than frozen in place.
I waited for Jace to answer. To say something. Anything. My foot tapped anxiously on the floor. For all my self-talk, all my newfound confidence, I still needed my brother. I always would.
His approval was vital.
He sighed deeply. I glanced up as he pushed away from where he was leaning. I held my ground when Jace stepped in front of me. His dark eyes searched mine, and then he did something.
He stuck his hand out between our bodies.
I glanced down at his waiting palm, then slid mine into it. We shook like two men who were being formally introduced.
“I’m really fucking impressed,” he said as he pumped my arm. He cleared his throat. “I’m also really fucking proud of you, Arrow.”
Jace tightened his grip and pulled my arm. I came forward, and he wrapped both arms around me in a hug. My face was pressed into the top of his shoulder, and against his shirt, I smiled.
Emotion overcame me, but the good kind.
My arms slipped around him, and we hugged it out for more than a few seconds.
When he finally pulled back, he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Are you crying?” I ribbed. I had to. This was fucking classic.
“No,” he demanded. “You fucking stink. It’s making my eyes water. Take a shower!”
I did not stink. He was a liar.
But I pretended like I believed him.
“My little brother, a NASCAR driver.” He mused.
“I haven’t signed yet.” I cautioned.
He waved his hand dismissively. “Details.”
“So…” I began. “You’re really okay with it?”
“Obviously, I’d rather you be in the NRR with me and Joey. But yeah, I’m okay with it.”
Being with Joey was making him soft.
Shh, don’t tell him I said that. He’d kick my ass.
Relief like no other lightened my body. Knowing Lor wasn’t disappointed or feeling betrayed by me was a huge weight lifted.
“You’re sure NASCAR has nothing to do with the douche canoe sitting out there in the Audi?” Lorhaven asked. Then he went on to mutter, “What the fuck kind of car is an Audi anyway.”
“You like Audis,” I pointed out.
“Not anymore,” he grumped.
I bit back a smile. “My decision to sign has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me,” I said, decisive. “I am looking forward to working with him, though.”
My brother crossed his arms over his chest, and his chin jutted out stubbornly. “I don’t like him.”
“You didn’t like Joey either,” I retorted.
His arms dropped to his sides. He opened his mouth, then closed it. I had him, and he knew it. Lor didn’t like Joey at first, but now he and I both knew he wouldn’t be able to live without her.
“You’re an asshole!”
I laughed. That meant I was right.
“He’s too old for you.” He argued.
“Five years isn’t that bad.” I countered.
“It’s five more years of experience than you have.” He spoke meaningfully.
He meant sex. Physical closeness.
I had no answer for that because he was right. Hell, just hearing him bring it up had doubt and fear crashing through me all at once.
For all my bravado, for all my motivation to forge ahead with life, I was still damaged goods. Hopper didn’t know the baggage chained to my ankle. And though I knew we grew closer every minute we spent together, at my core, I understood something.
He wasn’t going to want me when he found out exactly how far my inexperience went.
“Yeah.” I agreed, quiet. “I know.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt. Having a life and going after the career you want, getting a new apartment, it’s all awesome. I understand it. Adding in a relationship? That’s heavy territory.”
“It’s not a relationship.” I corrected him. “Hopper isn’t interested in that. Not with me.”
Lorhaven made a rude noise. “Who are you lying to right now, little bro? Me or yourself?”
I was dumbfounded. “What?”
“Hopper is into you. Has been for months and months. Joey called it. She was right.”
“Joey called what?”
“You two.” He shook his head. “She knew before either of you.”
I shook my head, bewildered. “I don’t think so.”
“You think any guy who came at me swinging because he’s pissed about where you live is just here for a contract?” Lorhaven started, then flung his arm toward the door. “That he would sit outside in the freezing cold so you could have time to talk to the guy he just got into a fight with? I know you have some innocence under all that experience, bro, but you aren’t that innocent.”
I glanced at the door. Thoughts of the way Hopper kissed me before, the way he kissed my forehead just outside… Butterflies fluttered beneath my ribs and my heart skipped a beat. We were both flirting with something beyond just business.
But we were both also very shattered.
“He doesn’t know.” My voice dropped. Most of the boldness and conviction I felt and portrayed disappeared.
This was what I mea
nt by me being a work in progress. I still wanted all these things, but I was still scared of them.
“I figured,” Jace said, quiet. “It’s why I flew in. I didn’t come here to stop you from signing a contract. I came here because when Gamble told me he sent Hopper here, I knew what was going to happen.”
I tilted my head to the side. “How?”
“Vibes don’t lie. Neither do the curious, longing glances you both throw at each other when you think no one else is paying attention.”
“So you came here to stop me from getting involved with him,” I deadpanned.
His shoulders moved beneath the weight of his sigh. “I came because I want you to be happy. Hopper ain’t my choice for you, but no one ever will be. No one will ever be good enough.”
“How do you tell someone something like that?” I whispered. How did you tell someone you were abused by a parent, rejected, beaten, and then… raped?
Men were supposed to be stronger than that. They were supposed to not be vulnerable in certain ways. The fact that I was made me somehow less than in the eyes of everyone. Except for maybe my brother.
“I don’t fucking know, A.”
“You told Joey, right?” I asked, not in the least mad about it. Joey was my family now, and she looked at me with acceptance in her eyes, always.
He made a sound. “I told Joey from my point of view, from the way I experienced it. There’s a lot more to your side.”
There was. More than I could really expect anyone to handle.
“He’s gonna run,” I murmured.
“I’m definitely not taking up for the guy. I’m sure as hell not on his side,” Lorhaven spoke up. “But after today? After he came at me over something as small as where you sleep, then promised to wait outside? I saw the way he looked at you.” He shook his head. “It’s the same way I look at Josie.”
Hope bloomed inside me. It was a foreign emotion, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it, so I tried to fight it back. Hope was dangerous, especially for a guy like me.
Hope could be crushing, especially when the thing you hoped for didn’t show up. Sometimes it was better to live with nothing than to live with the disappointment of hope unfulfilled.
“What are you saying, Jace?” I asked, still beating it back and hoping my usually pessimistic asshole brother would help me.
#Blur (The GearShark Series Book 4) Page 20