“Focus Harmen,” I say to myself while silently shaking he head. Ugh, I always get lost in thought while I’m talking to Brett.
“Are you even listening to me?” he asks with a huff.
“Yeah, I’m sorry I was just thinking about something.”
“You’re always thinking about something else while I’m talking to you and it pisses me off.”
“Look I’m sorry okay? I really am,” I try to give him my form of puppy dog eyes. Lip out. Chin down. And then I look up at him through my long black lashes. I think it’s a pretty good face and I’m almost positive it makes me look like an absolute angel, even though it never does me any good. I still try cause why the hell not.
“Don’t make that face, you know it doesn’t suit you.” See I told you it never works.
“I really am sorry Brett. Just tell me what you were saying so you’re not late for work,” I say with a cautious smile.
“Never mind. It doesn’t matter. I’ll see you later tonight. You’re coming over again right and bringing more of your stuff?”
“Actually I have plans to go out to eat with Grayson tonight. So I might not be able to grab more things, but I will stay here.”
“What?” he asks with a pause.
“Why is it okay for you to go out on dates with him but I can’t with other girls?”
I’m pretty sure my mouth is laying on the ground by my feet as I stare at him with wide eyes. “I know you aren’t the biggest fan of Gray, but he’s my best friend so I’m going to go have dinner with him. But let me be clear. It’s not a date. It’s dinner. With a friend. That’s it.”
“Yeah a friend who wants what’s mine,” he says with a growl.
I would usually find his possessive tone attractive, but not when it comes to Grayson. No one will ever tell me what I’m allowed to do when it comes to him. “If it’s that big of a deal then go out with a girl that’s just a friend then. I don’t care.” I can honestly say I don’t care, that’s the sad part.
“I don’t want to go out with other girls, but I will if you keep going out with Grayson. How do you think it looks when my friends see you out having “dinner” with him?” He seriously just used air quotes. How old is he, four? Dinner is dinner. No air quotes are needed.
“I’m sorry okay, but I’m not going to cut Gray out of my life. I know that makes you upset, but I just won’t do it.” I know I will have to compromise somehow in order to get him to calm down.
So with a sigh I say,” But I won’t hangout with him as much anymore if it really upsets you okay?” I look up to see him smiling at me.
“That’s all I ask. Thank you, Beautiful,” he says as he leans down to kiss my cheek. “I have to go, but I’ll see you again tonight. Love you,” he says over his shoulder as he makes his way to the door.
“Love you too,” I answer even though I’m not sure I really meant it.
Chapter 3
Grayson
“Finally. What took you so long,” I say to Harmen as she walks into the small corner dinner we eat breakfast at most mornings.
“I stayed at Brett’s last night, like normal, but it got a little heated this morning before he left.” I can immediately feel my jaw clench almost involuntarily.
Key word being, almost. I obviously clenched it a little bit myself, but it did it mostly on its own. Freaky, I know.
It’s like I can’t control how my body reacts to her. I used to be able to control it when we were younger, mainly because I didn’t know I was in love with her back then. I know I can’t say anything to her about it because she obviously doesn’t feel the same way anymore, which is why she’s with that tool shop.
If anyone knew Harmen the way I did they would have a hard time not falling in love with her too. I can honestly say I’ve never met or seen anyone as beautiful as my best friend. She has a pair of crystal blue doe eyes that steal my breathe away every time I look into them. Paired with her lean body, porcelain skin, straight nose and long black hair she stops traffic every time she crosses the street and the best part is that she doesn’t even know it.
I’ve felt the same way about her ever since we were kids, I just didn’t understand the depth of my feelings until she started dating Brett. In high school I knew I liked her as more than just my best friend and if I’m being completely honest, I probably loved her then too. But in the face of our friendship I dated pretty much anything that moved just to try distract me at least a little from Harmen.
Ever since she got with Brett right before her parent’s deaths I’ve had a hard time keeping my feelings in check around her. All I want to do is tell her to leave that loser and pick me because I’ve finally pulled my head out of my ass, but I know that won’t happen, at least not with Brett still around and maybe not ever.
I’ve never liked the guy, but for some unforeseen reason Harmen does. Ever since we first saw him in the bookstore a couple years ago I’ve had a weird feeling about him. I’ve never been able to put my finger on it but there’s just something about him that makes me question everything he says and does. And no it’s not the fact that he’s with the girl I love either, okay fine maybe that has a little something to do with it.
“Good lord Harmen Ann, I do not want to lose my breakfast from hearing about it getting heated with him. Ugh, I’m going to need some peroxide to clean out my ears after hearing that,” I say dramatically while trying not to cringe.
“Oh shut the hell up, it wasn’t that kind of heated. Get your head out of the gutter for two minutes if you can manage it.” I only use her full and middle name to piss her off because I know she hates it, which makes it that much more enjoyable for me.
“Fine, I pulled it out. I’m listening, what got heated?”
“I told Brett about our dinner tonight and he didn’t take it very well,” she nervously chews on her lip after she speaks. That’s her tell, whenever she gets nervous or is feeling guilty about something she will chew on her bottom lip like’s was a piece of licorice. She tends to do it a lot when she talks about what’s his-nuts. I’m not sure what puts her so on edge every time we talk about him, but I don’t like it.
“What do you mean he didn’t take it very well? We always go to dinner. Just like we always have breakfast. It’s our thing.”
“I know that’s what I told him, but he just got upset and said that people probably think you and I are the ones in a relationship since we go on so many dates.”
Now there’s a marvelous idea, Harmen and I dating. I wonder what she would think of that idea. “I told him they’re not dates,” she says with a laugh. “I mean come on you and I dating, where does he get these ideas.”
Okay well I guess that answers my question. Apparently the idea of us dating is laughable to her. And this is exactly why I’ve kept my feelings to myself after the stunt she pulled senior year, at least the best I can.
If I’m not able to have Harmen as a girlfriend of sorts, then I will settle for just having her as a friend because I don’t ever want to go a day without having her in my life in some way. But I also don’t like the idea of giving up time with her just to appease Malibu Ken doll.
“So what, we don’t get to hangout anymore?” I ask with a little bit of hesitation.
“What? No! I told him that he can’t stop me from seeing you, I mean come on we’re best friends. We just have to rein in our dinners and maybe not have breakfast quite so often”, she answers looking like it was hard for her to say.
“What why? We’ve been doing breakfast almost every morning since we were little. We’ve only missed a day if we were sick and even then we tried not to miss. Why are you willing to change that for him, Har?”
I can’t believe my best friend is willing to change our traditions like they never even existed for some guy. I can tell she’s getting upset with my constant question, but I mean seriously, come on. I’m not going to let that scum bucket take my best friend away from me. He already has her heart; he’s not getting all of her ti
me too. Not going to happen.
“I’m compromising with my boyfriend. That’s all I’m doing and I really hoped my best friend would understand that.” She is trying so hard to hide how upset she is, but she can’t hide anything from me. She bounces her right leg every time she gets upset. I honestly don’t think she knows she does it, but I can tell that right now her leg in bouncing under the table because her upper body is also bouncing along with it and it wasn’t doing that before we started this conversation.
It’s not that I’m trying to upset her, I would never intentionally want to hurt her but she needs to see how ludicrous this is. I don’t care how long they’ve been together; we’ve been together longer. Obviously just as friends, but still.
“I do understand that Har. You know all I want is for you to be happy, but I don’t think giving up on our friendship will make you happy. Am I wrong?” I look at her as she rolls those gorgeous eyes just to show me how annoyed of my questions she is.
“No you’re not wrong. That’s why I said we just can’t have dinner and breakfast every day. I never said we still can’t hang out and get breakfast every couple days or something. I don’t get why you’re getting so upset about this,” she asks with a furrowed brow.
“Seriously? You don’t understand why I’m getting upset over this? Are you really that dense sometimes?” Shit I didn’t mean to say that out loud, now she’s going to give it to me good.
“What the hell Grayson! I’m not dense and you know that so don’t be an asshole because the world doesn’t always revolve around you,” she says with fire in her eyes followed up by dramatically crossing her arms over her chest.
I put my hands up in defense to try ward off the fire breathing dragon that is going to take over my best friend if she gets more upset. “Okay, okay I’m sorry alright? I just don’t like the idea of anybody taking my best friend away from me, especially not him.”
“He has a name Gray, so use it.”
I let out a heavy sigh before replying, “Ugh fine. I don’t want to lose my best friend to Brett. There ya happy now? I said his name.”
“Much better, thank you,” she answers with a smug smile and only a minimal amount of smoke coming out of her ears. Apparently the dragon has been contained, at least for now.
I really can’t say no to her. I swear it’s impossible. No matter how hard I try she looks at me with those big doe eyes and I practically fall at her feet willing to give her anything she wants. I really need to work on that.
As I look at her sitting across from me I realize just how truly afraid I am of him taking over all of her time. I know the guy doesn’t like me, he’s never been secretive about that fact and I’ve replicated his feelings from day one so it’s no big deal. But why is he all of a sudden trying to convince her that we need to see each other less?
I don’t get what’s changed. I doubt she knows either, but I might as well ask her. What’s the worst that could happen? She gets mad at me? Eh, I’m not too worried she’s never been able to be upset with me for very long anyway.
“I just have to ask Har, what’s changed? A couple months ago he didn’t give a rat’s ass that you and I were getting breakfast all the time or going out to dinner every once in a while. So what gives, why now?”
“I don’t know Gray, but I agree with what he was saying this morning. He thinks it looks bad when people see you and I out together all the time, it looks bad for him and I don’t want to do that to him. I know he wouldn’t do anything to intentionally make me look bad so I don’t want to do the same thing to him.” Oh you’ve got to be shitting me. She’s going along with this nonsense because she doesn’t want him to look bad? Come on.
“He doesn’t make you look bad, really Harmen? How about all of the times he makes you feel like crap about being upset because you lost your parents? Or how about all of the times he freaks out about the smallest things, like you leaving garbage in his car? I mean come on, the dude acts more like a chick than you do with the stuff he gets upset about.” I take a deep breath after my monologue and hope I don’t come face to face with the dragon. The on lookers at the café will have to whip out some swords and run for cover if she emerges.
Oh lord almighty is that smoke coming out of her ears? That’s not a good sign. I thought I got rid of that earlier. “Knock it off Gray. I’m sick of you talking about our relationship like he walks all over me. He doesn’t. I don’t know what it is you hate about Brett and my relationship so much, but you really need to get over it or we will be missing more than just a couple meals. I’m serious Grayson. Get over it or I’m out of here.” She is a full fledge dragon now and I can feel myself about to begin breathing fire right back.
“Get over it seriously? Fine I’m over it. Excuse me for wanting what’s best for my friend, especially when I know it’s not him, and for not wanting to give up our time together. Didn’t know it was a crime to care about you Har.” Now I’m fuming. I mean seriously, the guy is a snake and yet she doesn’t see it.
I honestly feel like I’m going to lose my best friend to someone I know isn’t right for her. I don’t know what else I can say or do to get her to see what I see. To see him how I do. It’s not even that I want her for myself, don’t get me wrong I absolutely do, but I also want what’s best for her and I know that low life isn’t it. He might look great on the outside, but on the inside he’s viler than anyone I’ve ever met.
The screech of a chair pulls me out of my internal rant. I look up to see my dragon queen stand up and look at me with an amount fire in her eyes I haven’t seen there before. “I know you care about me Gray, but you aren’t my dad or my brother for that matter so I don’t want to hear it. You don’t know what’s best for me, I know you think you do but you aren’t my keeper, you’re supposed to be my best friend so until you start acting like it don’t talk to me. Let me know when you’re ready to support me and maybe I won’t be so unbelievably pissed at you by then.”
With that she forcefully pushes her chair back in, hastily turns on her heels and exits the café. She has always been a bit over dramatic if you ask me. I decide I’ll give her a couple hours to cool off, by then she’ll be back to her human form.
I grabbed our ticket the waitress left and head to the front to pay for our breakfast and see that we had apparently gathered an audience with our medieval show down.
After paying for our food and making my way out of the café and onto the sidewalk out front I almost expect to see Harmen standing outside waiting for me like she usually is after we fight, but instead I’m met with a cool breeze and no sight of my best friend. Like I said before, I’ll give her a couple hours to cool down and then everything will be as good as new, just like it always is.
Chapter 4
Harmen
Ugh, what an asshole! I can’t believe the balls that man has. What gives him the right to talk about my relationship like it’s a sham, like Brett is walking all over me. He’s the sham. He has no idea what he’s talking about. Yes, Brett and I may not have the perfect relationship but it’s built on honesty and trust and there’s nothing more important than that in a relationship.
Brett and I started our relationship on the worst day of my life and he’s been there for me every day since. Obviously we’ve had a couple hiccups, hit a few bumps along the way, but we are just as strong as ever. I may not know if I’m completely in love with him like he says he is with me, but I’m starting to think that Gray isn’t the one for me like I have always thought he was.
After all my classes are done I make my way home to get ready to spend the night with Brett again. I pull out my phone and see that I have four missed calls and three text messages from Gray. Each one varying from him saying he’s sorry that he upset me but that he was just trying to look out for me to how he knows Brett isn’t the guy for me. Blah Blah Blah. I don’t care what he says, I’m still pissed at him and it’s going to take a few more days and a lot more groveling to make it up to me. Asshole.
&nbs
p; After reading and listening to Gray’s messages I see I have a message from Brett saying he will just meet me at my place to help me grab some things instead of me going to his since I told him I wasn’t going to be having dinner with Gray. I knew he was open to compromising. I always ask him if we can have dinner at my apartment instead of his but he usually says no because it’s roomier at his place and I’m “supposed” to be moving in there, even though my place has one bedroom, a bathroom along with a small kitchen and living room, that’s what I’d call roomy if you ask me. But after our talk this morning and him asking me to take a step back from Gray he seems to think he should give me something in return and that makes me extremely happy.
I knew from the beginning, our relationship was one that could stand the test of time and one that would be able to bloom and grow a long side us. Oh lord listen to me sounding like a hippie talking about a blooming relationship, but whatever, I can’t think of a better analogy right now because I’m too happy.
It makes me giddy to think how in the course of a day it seems like we have taken two steps forward in our relationship. I know I talk about how we may not be prefect for each other, but I really do think he can make me happy in life. It may not be everything I hoped and dreamed of, but it’s also better than pathetically vying for my best friend like an idiot.
I walk into my apartment building and make my way upstairs. I live on the second floor of a small apartment building not far from downtown. It’s what some would consider an old building, but to me it’s perfect. I’ve always had a thing for older buildings, I love to just think of the stories it would tell if the walls could talk. I know that sounds creepy but that’s not how I mean it, obviously. I may or may not be a hopeless romantic at heart and just thinking of the love stories these walls have seen and heard makes my heart happy.
If Only I Knew Page 3