He’s told me multiple times that it still hurts him that I didn’t confide in him as much as I did Gray and I still find myself feeling guilty about that a little over two years later. So this time around, I’m going to go to him with my problems and he’ll come to me with his, just like any couple in a healthy relationship would do.
After clearing my head, I get out of bed and quickly get ready for the day. We only have two days left before we are supposed to be leaving for the trip that Brett has planned for us. I can’t even explain how excited I am to get away from this place for a while.
I’ll never admit it out loud, especially to Brett, but I do wish Gray was coming with. I know it’d be weird, but I’ve always wanted to go on a trip with him, but I guess going with Brett will be the next best thing. Like I said, I’ll never admit that out loud, especially to Brett, but that doesn’t stop it from going through my mind.
Brett claims that he talked with all of my professors before booking the trip and notified them that I’d be gone for the rest of the week and the next so I don’t have to do anything but pack. Since he still won’t tell me where we are going it makes it kind of hard to decide what to bring, but I’ve decided since he won’t tell me that I am just going to bring a little bit of everything and hope for the best. I mean at least this way, a couple of them should work.
A couple hours later, once I’m almost done going through my clothes and deciding what I want to bring with, I hear the front door open and close. A couple seconds later I look up and see Brett standing in the doorway with an unreadable look on his face. He almost looks annoyed, but I’m not really sure. I try to remember if I did anything to cause that look on his face, but I can’t think of anything off the top of my head.
Stepping into the bedroom he says, “Hey beautiful, so I have a question for you, but you have to keep an open mind okay?”
“Okay…,” I answer hesitantly.
“What would you think about leaving a little early for our trip? I know it’s short notice, but it’d give us a couple more days where we are going and since I already talked with your professors the only thing stopping us is you.”
“Wait, you talked to my professors before you talked to me?”
“Yeah I just figured it’d make the decision easier for you if you already knew it was okay with them. Since they knew you weren’t going to be in classes anyways it didn’t seem like a big deal. I’m not trying to pressure you, but don’t you want a little bit longer of a vacation? Come on, Harmen, live on the edge with me. Let’s be spontaneous together,” he says with a smile as he steps into the room and moves towards me.
There’s something about his tone and this whole situation that has me on edge. Brett has never been spontaneous a day in his life, he and I both know it. So why now? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’d love to go on a longer vacation, but I can’t help feeling like he’s trying to push me into leaving early with him. I feel like lately I’ve been in a constant state of confusion, but there just really isn’t another emotion to describe it.
Looking up I see his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, it’s almost like he’s forcing himself to be happy about this. Why the hell would he want to leave early so bad if he’s not even happy about it, doesn’t make any sense to me.
Being honest with him I say, “Well I was hoping to see Gray quick before we left, just so I could say bye.” The moment I see his jaw tense up I know I said the wrong thing.
Shit, he looks pissed.
Trying to pretend like I can’t tell he’s pissed off I continue to innocently say, “Or not? I don’t have to if you don’t think we will have time. I can just text him and tell him I’ll see him when we get back.”
Standing up as straight as he can he looks down at me and says with a snarl, “No. You don’t need to see him or text him either. This is our damn trip and it has nothing to do with him. For once I thought you would be able to put our relationship first and be happy about what I’m doing for you, but instead you’re more concerned with telling Grayson what’s going on than just being happy with me. Un-fucking-believable.”
Turning his back to me he runs his hands through his hair and roughly pulls on the ends. I mean I’ll be honest, if he pulls much harder it looks like he could just rip it all out of his head and that just sounds downright painful and something I’d prefer not to witness.
I’m so used to reverting to sarcasm or jokes whenever I’m nervous or scared, but I don’t think this is the right time for that. I’ve already seen what he can do and I’d hate to think it could be any worse, so I tell myself to rein in the sarcastic comments and hopefully I can come out of this unscathed.
When he turns back to me I can see a new sense of determination in his eyes and let me tell you it’s freaking me out. Letting his hands fall back to his sides he looks me in the eyes as he says, “Okay I think I’ve stayed silent long enough. This entire relationship has been about sidestepping yours and Grayson’s friendship and I’m done doing it. You need to choose. It’s either me or him, you can’t have both the way you want to. You can have a boyfriend and a friend, but they are two very different things and you need to draw the lines.”
Taking a deep breath, he continues, “You know I love you more than anything and that’s why I’m doing this. For us. We need to be able to focus solely on us, no distractions. He needs to be able to find a relationship too and I think that’s hard for him to do with how close you two are. This really is the best thing for everyone, Harmen. I haven’t asked you to do it before because I know how much you need him, but I think it’s time you start depending on me instead of him. I’ve been here since your parents’ accident, I went through it all with you and I’m still here. I think that should tell you just how committed I am to you and this relationship, don’t you think Harmen?”
I feel like my mind is racing a mile a minute. Can I really separate myself from Gray? I tried it before and it nearly ripped my heart in half. It’s been us against the world since we were little kids. Can I really change that now? I guess it hasn’t really been us against the world since I started dating Brett though, has it.
I can’t help, but still look at Gray as my other half even if he may not look at me that way. I think there’s a part of me that’s tried so hard to keep us close with the hopes that one day he will realize he loves me the same way I love him.
After high school and getting together with Brett I thought he may have realized he wanted me to be more than a friend, but over the last couple years I haven’t seen or heard him say anything that would tell me he has. So I guess maybe it really is time to finally move on past that fantasy and focus on what’s in front of me.
I feel guilty hearing his words and knowing our whole relationship has been a way to pass time for me until Gray decides he wants to be with me. Maybe now really is the time to let go of that and move on with my life and the relationship I've been in for the last two years.
If Gray doesn’t look at me as anything other than a friend, then I think it’s time that’s how I start looking at him too. Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to separate myself from Gray? Yes, yes I am. I’m going to do what I should have done a while ago, stop waiting around and finally take what I’ve had in front of me all along.
Looking at Brett I see a man who may never be the love of my life, but I’ve spent the last two years telling him I love him so now it’s time I actually mean it, starting with this trip. I can do this, I can fall in love with the man whose been right in front of me for the last couple years.
He may not be perfect, but let’s be real, none of us are. I know now more than ever that the incident from a couple days ago was a onetime thing and something that I caused by not separating myself from Gray sooner. If it hadn’t been for me focusing so much of my time on Gray, I never would have pushed Brett so far. In the end I know it’s my fault, just like it’s now my job to make it right.
Smiling up at Brett I say, “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hu
rt our relationship or choose my friendship with Gray over our relationship. If taking a step back from my friendship with him is what it would take to make you happy, then I’ll do it. I’ll focus on us, starting with this trip. I know I haven’t said it much, but thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me since my parents’ death and thank you for this trip and for putting us first, even when I haven’t. But starting now, I will. Let’s go on this trip and focus on nothing but us.” I reach up on my toes and give him a kiss hoping it will reiterate everything I just said and the decision I made.
Settling back down on my heels I see all of the tension and anger has left his face and is now replaced with a satisfied grin.
Smiling down at me he says, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Thank you.” He places a kiss on the tip of my nose and steps back.
“So now that we’re on the same page, do you want to leave early? Say, half hour?” he asks with a mischievous smile.
“Half hour? Are you nuts? I just barely finished packing,” I say while looking around trying to see if there’s anything I missed and need to grab.
“No I’m not crazy, I’m being spontaneous, let’s try it. And besides, you say you just finished packing so grab your stuff and let’s go.”
I can’t believe I’m doing this, I’m a planner. I like plans. I’m not good with this whole spontaneous concept he’s trying to preach. But what the hell, right?
“Ugh fine, you win. Let me just make sure there’s nothing else to grab and then we can go,” I say with a sigh and turn around to start collecting the last minute things I might need.
Before I can grab anything he lightly grabs my arm and turns me around. “What do you say we try something else too?” Oh good lord almighty, what else could he possibly want to do.
Crossing my arms over my chest I ask, “What else do you want to try?” “
How about we both turn our cell phones off until we get there? I know it sounds crazy, but let’s live in the moment. The only people we need are each other, so let’s shut the world out for the day. What do you say?” he asks with a sly smile.
I know he can tell I’m hesitant because he continues, “Just for today, once we get there we can turn them back on. But just for today let’s be together and focus on the trip ahead of us and on each other. Please?”
He’s always the one who wants his phone on in case anyone from work calls him or even a client. But if he really is willing to do it, then I might as well too right? I guess this is the first step in the whole scheme of focusing on us.
“Okay fine, let’s do it,” I quickly answer.
He leans down and gives me a quick peck on the lips and turns away smiling, but stops a couple feet from me and to say, “Okay grab the last things you need, I’m going to grab a couple things then we’ll get going.”
I give him a thumbs up and watch as he walks out of the room to grab his bags.
I quickly send off a text to Gray saying we are leaving a couple days early and that I’ll let him know when we land. I can’t cut him off cold turkey or who knows what he’ll do. I’m still not too sure how he’s going to handle my new found determination to put mine and Brett’s relationship first and our friendship second, but I guess I’ll figure it out once we get back home. Until then I’m not going to worry about it.
Seeing that the message sent I turn my phone off and stick it in the front pocket of my luggage and roll my bag to the door. It almost feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders by turning off my phone. I don’t have to worry about anyone trying to get a hold of me or Gray sending me a bunch of messages. Instead, I get to focus on nothing else but this fantastic trip, put together by the amazing guy walking towards me.
With a smile on his face he stops in front of me with his bags by his side. “You ready to go?”
I can’t help the smile that flashes across my face as I say, “Ready as I’ll ever be.” With one last look we are out the door and on our way to who the hell knows where.
Chapter 17
Grayson
After getting home from Los Angeles I wanted to give myself a day or so to find out anything else I could and then give myself the time to make sense of it all before I rushed off to tell Harmen. These aren’t things I thought I would ever have to tell her, but if I don’t I know she will never know and I can’t let that happen. She needs to know who she’s pretty much sharing a home and a life with. She didn’t go into their relationship hiding things that could ruin his entire life, but he did.
Brett went into their relationship knowing what he was doing and why he was doing it, unfortunately for her, she has no idea that she’s been being used from the beginning. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it and all of the signs I missed.
I call myself her best friend, but I couldn’t stop this from happening or tell that something was off. I let this go on for over two years and that’s on me. I’ve always told myself that I will protect her and look out for her no matter the cost.
Since her parents’ death I knew it was just me, I was all that was left to take care and look after her and I feel like I’ve let them down by not stopping that monster sooner.
My phone dings on the coffee table next to me pulling me out of my internal rant, I grab it and I see it’s a text from Harmen. Just seeing her name hurts from everything I have to tell her, but not knowing how to do it just makes it that much harder.
Opening the message, I read it unsure of how to respond. “Hey Gray! Change of plans we are leaving tonight for our trip instead of this weekend. Sorry I couldn’t see you before we left, it was a last minute thing! I’ll let you know when we land. Bye!”
Dropping my phone onto the table like it’s on fire I stand up and start pacing in front of the couch, not knowing what to do.
I never should have waited this long to tell her, I should have told her as soon as I got back. But then I know she would have started asking questions that I didn’t know the answers to and I would have felt even worse about the entire thing. At least now I have answers that may help put her mind at ease, or at least as much as possible given the situation. I just have to find a way to tell her before they leave.
Grabbing my phone off the coffee table I rush out the door towards my car and call Harmen’s cell phone. No answer, not even a ring. What the hell! Did she turn it off? Why would she do that, she never turns her phone off in case I need to get a hold of her, which is very much what I need to do right now.
I call again and again like a crazy person thinking that by some miracle it will turn back on. No luck. I send her a quick text telling her not to leave until I talk to her as I step on the gas.
Flying through town and swerving around various vehicles to try get to her place faster probably makes me look like a lunatic to anyone who doesn’t know the gravity of the situation. I keep one hand on the wheel at all times and the other on my phone calling her over and over again just waiting for that one call to go through.
Frantically I pull up outside her building and dash out of my car as soon as I put it in park. I take the stairs two at a time up to the second floor where her apartment is and pound on the door.
“Harmen, open up I need to talk to you,” I yell as I continue to bang my fist against the door.
“Harmen, come on please it’s really important,” I yell trying to get my point across that I need to speak to her.
After what feels like a couple minutes of frantically pounding and yelling at the door, the neighbor from across the hall taps me on the shoulder. I instantly stop my fist from hitting the door again and turn around to face the old man who looks royally pissed off.
“Would you shut the hell up already! She’s not home for Christ’s sake can’t you tell. So take your loud noises away from my apartment or I’ll call the cops,” he says.
“What do you mean she’s not home? Where’d she go?”
“I mean what I said boy, she’s not home. It’s not that hard to understand.”
>
“Do you know where she went? Did she say where she was going?” I ask frantically.
“Slow down boy, I don’t know where she went or any of the other questions running through that head of yours. The man just said they had to hurry or they’d miss their flight. That’s it, that’s all I know. Now leave me alone,” he says with a huff.
Before I can ask him anything else I turn around to see him already closing his door in my face.
Brett was already here with her? Did he try pressure her into leaving early cause he found out I went to see Sally? Oh Lord please tell me that’s not the case or I have a feeling this is going to get a lot worse before I get a chance to talk to her.
Raking my hands through my hair I roughly pull on the ends so hard I’ll probably have a bald spot, but I’ll put some miracle grow on it later and it’ll be fine.
A flight?
He said something about catching a flight. Before I can think of anything else I take off towards my car and make my way back to Los Angeles, knowing that it’s the closest airport. Guess I’m going back to where this whole thing started and hopefully this time I’ll be able to put an end to this charade once and for all, but only if I catch them before they leave.
Chapter 18
Harmen
I have to say, the couple hours it takes to get to L.A.X from Mitchell definitely feels like it is taking forever without a phone. Usually I would be looking at all the different apps I have, playing games or even listening to music. Instead we have been talking about anything and everything the entire time and I have to say I absolutely love it. I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something or like someone needs me for something, but I’m on vacation now and that means I don’t have to worry about it.
Brett seems to become more and more relaxed the closer we get to Los Angeles, which is probably just because he’s feeling the same way I am. But I can say that nothing is better than that feeling you get right before you leave for a vacation. No worries or responsibilities in the world, nothing but sunshine and water to look forward to. Well hopefully that’s what I get to look forward to, I guess it could be the tundra or even the jungle since he still hasn’t told me where we’re going.
If Only I Knew Page 11