The Girl From Paradise Alley (ARC)

by Sandy Taylor

  ‘I hope so,’ I’d said.

  ‘Father Kelly, who is himself a great reader, gave me the loan a book of poetry. Now poetry has never really been to my liking, as you know – I favour a good old yarn. But one of the poems was about the Easter Rising, by our very own Mr Yeats. It was a puzzling poem but one line stuck in my head: “A terrible beauty is born.” I couldn’t relate it to the Rising, but those few words touched my heart and it took me a while to understand why. My little girl Ellen died when she was only nine years old.’

  ‘Yes, Mammy told me, and I’m sorry for your loss.’

  ‘It was indeed a terrible time, for her mammy and me loved her very much. I was angry at God for taking her so young, for she was the sweetest child and as bright as a button. It took a long time to accept that she was gone but when I read those words, they made me think of my Ellen. You see, she would always remain a little child, she would never know the ravages of old age, she would remain as innocent as the day she died and it will be the same for your Eddie – he will always be a young man, he will never age and I think there is a kind of terrible beauty in that.’

  I’d smiled at my grandad, who was a wise and clever man, and his words gave me comfort.

  As the train pulled into Dublin, I took my case down from the rack above my head and stepped out onto the platform. It was like a re-run of a year ago, as I saw Josie rushing towards me.

  We fell into each other’s arms, both of us, crying and laughing.

  ‘Oh, I’ve missed you,’ she said. ‘Let’s go and have a cup of tea and a slice of cake.’

  ‘You haven’t changed,’ I said, grinning.

  ‘And why would I?’ said Josie, laughing. ‘Aren’t I perfect as I am?’

  We linked arms and walked across to the same café that we had gone to when I had first arrived. Josie went to the counter to order our tea and cake. I chose a different table to sit at than the one we had sat at before; I was going to go forwards and not backwards, and a change of table seemed like a good place to start.

  Me and Josie had written the odd letter over the time that I had been away, so she knew about Eddie and that I had lived at Bretton Hall.

  ‘I’m desperate sorry about your brother, Nora,’ she said, sitting down beside me. ‘I hope he didn’t suffer.’

  ‘The doctor said that he must have died peacefully.’

  ‘Well, sure, that’s a blessing.’

  ‘It is,’ I said.

  ‘Are you still terrible sad?’

  ‘I am,’ I said.

  Josie smiled at me. ‘We’ll soon have you laughing again,’ she said.

  ‘That’s what I’m hoping.’

  ‘And you can have your own bed back.’

  ‘Have you had the room to yourself all this time?’

  ‘No such luck. I had to share with this clodhopping baggage from Waterford. She was one of those holier-than-thou types. She said that going to the cinema was a mortal sin and that wearing lipstick was a thorn in the Blessed Virgin’s side.’

  ‘So, did you stop wearing it?’

  ‘I did in me eye; I wore the reddest lipstick I could find, she had me head wrecked. She had her comeuppance when she went downstairs and ate the face off Mrs Murphy for hanging her washing out on a Sunday.’

  ‘And what did Mrs Murphy say?’ I said, grinning.

  ‘She told her to pack a bag and consider taking Holy Orders.’

  I was laughing, really laughing, for the first time since Eddie died. Thank God for darling Josie. I was right to come back; I’d made the right decision. In a world that had been so wrong, I was going to be alright.

  Fifty

  Joe’s reply to my letter had been short:

  Dear Nora,

  They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I think that absence has made it more difficult for you to remember what we had. I loved you then and the distance between us hasn’t changed that. It hasn’t made me love you more, because that isn’t possible.

  You say that it is your life that has changed and not your feelings for me and that is all I need to know. I will wait for you until you tell me to stop waiting.

  My love always.

  Joe xxx

  I hadn’t told him that I was coming back – I wanted it to be a surprise. There was a queue in the bakery, and Joe and his father were serving behind the counter. It was his father who saw me first, he smiled at me and touched Joe’s arm. ‘I think you might be needed, son,’ I heard him say.

  If Joe could have leaped over the counter, I think he would, but he finished wrapping a loaf of bread for a customer and then he was at my side.

  ‘You came back,’ he said, softly.

  I nodded. ‘I came back, Joe.’

  ‘Can you manage without me, Daddy?’ said Joe.

  ‘Get yourself away, boy. Nice to see you, Nora.’

  ‘It’s nice to see you too, Mr Lynch.’

  We waited until we were outside the shop before we were in each other’s arms and then we were kissing and laughing.

  ‘Aren’t we the brazen ones to be kissing in broad daylight for all of Dublin to see?’ I said.

  ‘I don’t care if the whole world sees,’ said Joe. ‘For I have the prettiest girl in town in my arms.’

  We walked hand in hand to St Stephen’s Green and sat on our usual bench by the lake. It was a beautiful winter day. The breeze was sharp but fresh, and the scent of woodsmoke drifted through the air. This beautiful place should have made me happy but all I could think of was the garden and that Eddie had never lived long enough to see the clear blue sky and to smell the flowers. I could feel Joe sitting beside me, I could feel his warmth and his love for me. I tried to shake the feeling off but it was as if a cloud had appeared and distorted everything.

  At that moment, Grandad Doyle’s words came into my head. ‘You can’t run away from grief, Nora, it’s something you carry with you… Embrace your grief, for it is now a part of who you are.’

  Why had I expected this grief to miraculously disappear, just because I’d come back to Dublin? I had to give it time – Eddie deserved my grief, I was just going to have to live with it.

  Joe held my hand, as if he knew what I was thinking. ‘We’ll just take it slowly, Nora,’ he said, gently. ‘We have all the time in the world. I never knew Eddie, but I accept that he will always be part of us and that is as it should be. You don’t ever have to hide your sadness from me. Talk to me about him, so that I can know him too.’

  I leaned into him; he made me feel safe, his sweet words brushed the cloud away so that I could see the beauty of this day. ‘Thank you, Joe,’ I said.

  * * *

  As I stepped back through the doors of Finnigan’s, it felt as if I’d never been away. I was again surrounded by the books that I loved and I was working with Josie, Ellis and Molly. I’d forgotten what it felt like to have fun and be silly, I thought that I would never be truly happy again, but being in the company of my three friends, I realised that I could. It was only at night as I lay beside Josie that my thoughts returned to the garden and Eddie and Finn and I would wake, feeling lost.

  Ellis had fallen in love with a boy called Jack. He was studying Archaeology at Trinity College and had come into the shop looking for a book on ancient relics. They didn’t have the book, so Ellis had ordered it for him. When he came to collect it, he didn’t immediately leave the shop but spent a long time browsing the shelves. Ellis asked if she could help him with anything else. At first, he said, ‘No, thank you,’ but as she walked away, he said, ‘Yes, there is, actually.’

  ‘What is the book called?’ Ellis had said.

  ‘It’s not about a book,’ he’d said. ‘I was just wondering if I could take you out one evening. My name is Jack, by the way.’

  And that was that, Ellis was in love.

  ‘I thought she’d end up in a convent,’ said Molly. ‘And instead of that, she’s swept off her feet by a scholar at Trinity College, while all we ever seem to meet are clodhopping
eejits from the country without a brain cell between them.’

  Ellis smiled her sweet smile. ‘You’ll find someone wonderful one day, Molly, just like I have.’

  Molly smiled back at her. ‘I’m glad for you, love,’ she said. ‘For it couldn’t happen to a nicer girl. Does he have any brothers?’

  ‘Three sisters, I’m afraid,’ said Ellis.

  ‘Isn’t that just my luck?’ said Molly.

  I saw Joe almost every day and as winter gave way to spring, he asked me to marry him. I loved Joe, I did, and all my doubts had gone away – I had just needed to be with him again.

  He went down on one knee in the middle of O’Connell Street. I thought at first that he was doing up his shoelace but then he produced a little box from out of his pocket. He opened it and took out a ring.

  ‘Nora Doyle,’ he said, ‘would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’

  People had stopped and were smiling at us, waiting for my reply.

  Suddenly, Finn’s face came into my mind, but I pushed it away. It had just been a silly flirtation, nothing more than that. I knew Joe loved me and he would always look after me.

  ‘Of course,’ I said, and the crowd started clapping.

  When I told the girls, they danced me around the bedroom. I held out my hand so that they could see the pretty ring.

  ‘It’s gorgeous,’ said Josie.

  ‘You’ll need a dress,’ said Molly.

  ‘I thought I’d wear the blue one; it was the dress I wore when I first met Joe.’

  ‘You can’t be wearing the same bloody dress for your wedding day, he’s already seen it.’

  ‘She’s right,’ said Josie. ‘It would bring you bad luck.’

  ‘If you believed in that sort of thing,’ said Ellis.

  ‘We’ll see what Aunty Birdy has to offer,’ said Molly, opening the wardrobe door.

  We spread the dresses out on the bed. They were all lovely but none of them were quite right.

  ‘You could wear a costume,’ said Ellis.

  ‘And why would she be wanting to stand at the altar in a costume, like some old biddy from up the country?’ said Molly. ‘It has to be a dress.’

  I thought about my fortune, which Minnie was still looking after for me. ‘I could buy one,’ I said.

  ‘Since when were you in a position to buy a wedding dress?’ said Josie.

  ‘Perhaps she’s a woman of substance,’ said Molly. ‘And she hasn’t let on.’

  ‘I was left some money by a relative,’ I said. ‘And I think that it would please him, if I spent it on a wedding dress.’

  ‘Roach’s,’ said Josie. ‘They have the most gorgeous dresses there.’

  ‘You won’t need to,’ said Molly, holding up a dress.

  It was the palest lemon and it had a cream sash around the waist – it was the most beautiful dress that I had ever seen.

  ‘Put it on, put it on,’ said Josie.

  I slipped the dress over my head – it felt silky and smooth against my skin.

  ‘It’s gorgeous,’ said Ellis. ‘Have you decided when the big day is going to be?’

  ‘We thought in the autumn,’ I said, smiling.

  ‘You can’t be sure of the weather in autumn,’ said Molly. ‘Wouldn’t a summer wedding be better?’

  ‘This is Ireland,’ said Josie. ‘You can never be sure of the weather.’

  I thought of the garden in autumn. I could see it clearly in my mind. Me and Eddie sitting on the bench, with the brightly coloured leaves drifting about us. I thought of Finn and I walking down the steps of Bretton Hall, with him holding my arm, so that I wouldn’t slip on the wet leaves. I remembered his arms around me as we stood beside Eddie’s grave.

  ‘Let’s go downstairs so you can see yourself in the mirror,’ said Josie.

  We ran downstairs and the girls sat on the bed as I looked into the mirror – it was indeed the perfect dress. I stared at my reflection and I tried to imagine Joe standing beside me. I tried to picture his sweet face, but it was another face that I saw. I hadn’t realised that I was crying until I felt Ellis’s arm around me. Josie and Molly, looked confused and worried.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ said Ellis, gently.

  I couldn’t answer, I could only shake my head. They sat me down on the bed.

  ‘You do want to marry Joe, don’t you?’ said Molly.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Wedding nerves,’ said Josie. ‘That’s all it is, every bride-to-be has wedding nerves.’

  Ellis was staring at me. ‘I don’t think it is,’ she said. ‘It’s not, is it, Nora?’

  As I sat there staring at my three friends, I felt a shift in my heart, a tiny flutter, hardly a feeling at all, but it was there and everything became clear. It felt as if I had been in a dark place and someone had switched a light on.

  I was meeting Joe the next evening. I could have just written him a letter but he deserved more than that. I knew I was going to hurt him but better to hurt him now than to go through with something that I knew wasn’t right for either of us. He came to the house to collect me – I felt sad but I knew that whatever my future held, it wasn’t with this sweet boy.

  We had planned to see a film but I asked if we could just go for a walk.

  ‘But I thought you were desperate to see The Great Gatsby?’

  ‘I have to talk to you, Joe.’

  ‘I don’t like the sound of that.’

  My eyes filled with tears as I looked at his sweet face. How could I tell him? I slipped the ring from my finger and held it out to him. ‘I’m so sorry, Joe. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t marry you.’

  He looked angry; I’d never seen him angry before. ‘Why, Nora? Is it another feller?’

  ‘There is someone that I have grown very close to, Joe, and I can’t marry you feeling as I do. I have no idea what my future holds but you deserve more love than I can give you. I’ve never betrayed you, you have to believe that. I have never, ever betrayed you, but I can’t marry you. I can’t marry you, Joe.’

  He took the ring, and the anger faded from his eyes. ‘If I am not to be the one, Nora, then I hope whoever he is, he deserves you. I shouldn’t have asked you to marry me – I have felt myself losing you ever since you left for Ballybun, but I hoped… I love you, Nora, and all I want is your happiness and if that means I have to lose you, then so be it.’ He kissed my cheek and walked away.

  Tears were running down my cheeks as I watched him go. I knew I’d broken his heart. Part of me wanted to run after him, to tell him I’d made a mistake, but I just stood there until he was out of sight. I had no regrets.

  * * *

  It was awful leaving the girls again and we cried in each other’s arms as I boarded the train to Cork.

  ‘Write to us, Nora,’ said Josie. ‘God only knows what baggage I will be sharing with next.’

  I grinned. ‘Of course I’ll write,’ I said.

  I pushed down the window and waved to my friends until they were mere dots in the distance – I would miss them, but I knew that I was doing the right thing. I sat down and took Finn’s letter out of my pocket. I opened the envelope and took out the single sheet. I was smiling as I remembered his words: Trust your heart, Nora, and not some words written on a page. Sometimes words can get in the way. I looked down at the blank piece of paper in my hand. I was still smiling as I watched the fields and rivers rushing by.

  I was going home.

  Epilogue

  The summer sun was beginning to drift low in the sky, staining the clouds pink and lengthening the shadows. I gazed around the garden; it had never looked lovelier. The rose bushes were heavy with blooms, yellow irises were opening around the little pond, and clematis and honeysuckle were draped through the trees. The blackbird sang in the cherry tree and a family of squirrels chased through the dappled light of the grass. Finn reached for my hand. I moved a little closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder. We watched as our children picked daisies and scattered them
on Eddie’s grave.

  Katie, at five years old, was beautiful – she was our fairy child, our little daydreamer, who found magic in everything around her. Her two blonde plaits bounced off her thin shoulders as she ran around the garden, looking for the whitest and brightest daisies.

  Kieron, at three, was a sturdy little chap, blonde just like his sister and full of fun. He followed her around like a shadow. Katie was the boss and Kieron her faithful servant. They loved each other and we were so proud of them both. I couldn’t help but smile as Kieron trotted after Katie, throwing his flowers with a solemn expression on his dear little face, then immediately turning around to find some more. He grabbed them in his fist and tugged, uprooting the flowers.

  ‘No, no, do it like this, Kieron,’ Katie explained with the patience of a responsible big sister. ‘Pick the daisies like this, at the stalk, and then their petals won’t all come off.’

  Finn squeezed my hand. We exchanged fond smiles.

  It wasn’t just us who thought the world of them. Mammy and Caroline adored them and it was through this shared love for the children that they had become friends. Kitty and Tommy were happily married and had two little girls – they visited us often and it was a joy to see our children playing together. Bretton Hall became alive again with the laughter of children running around the grounds. I’d kept in touch with Molly, Ellis, Josie and Dymphna. Ellis had married her college boy, Molly and Josie were courting and Dymphna had found a man she could spend more than five minutes with. They were going to be married in Ballybun.

  There were no grand balls at the Hall now, no carriages and shiny cars pulling up in the drive, but every Christmas Eve, Caroline threw a party for the townspeople. To begin with you could see that they felt out of place amongst such grandeur, but it had now become something to look forward to, it became the highlight of the year that was talked about months before the event. A beautiful tree stood in the hallway, just like Mammy used to tell me about, and the house was festooned with candles and decorations. Caroline would always miss Eddie but she wasn’t alone anymore – we were her family now, and she was loved.