The Christmas Holiday

by Maxine Morrey

  ‘What?’

  ‘You were always going on about how great it was having your mum at home when you were growing up, there when you got home from school and having the dinner ready for your dad when he got in from work. The picture-perfect family!’

  ‘I had a great childhood. And I’m thankful for it. It’s not a crime to celebrate something like that.’

  ‘Your mum gave up her career to care for you and your brother.’

  ‘Which is what she wanted! It was all she’d ever wanted. Nobody forced her! You can ask her yourself.’

  ‘Of course she’s going to say no one forced her now. But I bet when you two were fighting and being a pain in the arse she wondered what the hell she’d done.’

  ‘Quite probably! I don’t imagine there are many parents who don’t have that fleeting thought at some point in time. But that’s all it was. Fleeting! She always said she had the perfect career in raising us two, and building a home with my dad. Why do you always see that as so wrong? What? You think she’s not as intelligent, or as worthy as you because she chose family life over a corporate career?’

  ‘Now who’s twisting things? I never said that! You know I don’t think that.’

  ‘No, Mia. I don’t know that. I never did know that. Every time I would try and talk about it with you, you’d shoot it down or change the subject.’

  ‘Because I didn’t want to get into the conversation about how you think that’s the way it should be. I wanted to try and keep what we had for as long as possible, but even I knew I couldn’t keep doing that for ever! I had to give you up because I couldn’t give you what you wanted!’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘The whole little wife at home scenario! That was so obviously what you wanted and I couldn’t ever give you that. I vowed I’d never put myself in the same position as my mother, giving all the control to someone else. Sitting at home, waiting for you until you got bored with it all, like he did, and found someone more attractive to spend your time and money on. For God’s sake, Hunter, look at you! It’s not like you’re ever short of offers and it wouldn’t matter if you had a wedding band on or not.’

  ‘It would matter to me!’ His accent was thick again as his hands balled into fists momentarily. ‘Jesus! Don’t you dare compare me to your father, Mia. I am not him. And I would never, ever treat anyone the way he treated you and your mother. And the fact that you don’t know that…’ His brow knotted as he looked at me, confusion mixing with fury on his sharp, beautiful features. ‘I can’t believe you don’t know that.’ His voice was softer this time.

  ‘Nobody knows what’s going to happen in the future,’ I said, trying to regain the surety I’d always had in my beliefs – all of which had started to craze with one look at the expression on Hunter’s face.

  ‘I know!’ he fired back, ‘at least on this subject! I know for a fact. For God’s sake, from the moment I met you all I ever wanted to do was take care of you, support you in whatever you wanted to do and love you, because I was fucking crazy head over heels in love with you. I never wanted you to feel abandoned or unwanted, or threatened ever again. I certainly never wanted to trap you into anything! The only reason I talked about my childhood was to share it with you, and to try and show you that a similar situation didn’t always turn out badly. It’s down to the people involved. It didn’t mean that was necessarily what I wanted for us. We would have found our own way. It’s what people do – assuming they care enough about each other to try.’

  His eyes were rimmed faintly with red and after a moment he looked away, running his hand over his jawline a couple of times.. I hadn’t replied.

  As the silence ticked on, Hunter leaned out of the window, peering around the car in front. ‘It looks like there’s some movement up ahead. Let’s hope.’

  I got the distinct feeling that the sooner he could get out of this car, and this job, the better. As I tried to process everything he’d just told me, I could hardly blame him.

  Liv and Sandeep were on a sofa in the foyer waiting for us when we returned. Two empty coffee cups in front of them hinted they’d been there a while.

  ‘Sorry. Traffic was a bitch,’ Hunter explained as we walked towards them.

  ‘Not a problem,’ Sandeep replied. ‘You OK?’ he asked, catching both of us in his glance. I half-smiled. Sandy didn’t say a lot, but I knew he didn’t miss a trick.

  I nodded as Liv gave me a hug. ‘I heard what Doctor Dexter said. I’m so glad you’re OK.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I replied.

  She pulled away and slid her hands down my arms, resting just about at my wrists. ‘Are you OK, though?’ she asked, her voice more serious now.

  ‘Yep,’ I nodded again, mortified as I dislodged a rogue tear that now seemed to be leading a charge. ‘Really. I’m fine.’

  Liv shot a glance at Hunter, who was standing apart from me, hands rammed into the pockets of his cargos, his whole body radiating tension.

  ‘I think we need to get you to bed,’ Liv said, decidedly taking charge. Suddenly exhausted, I let her.

  ‘And you look like you need a drink.’ Sandy nudged Hunter towards the bar.

  ‘No. I’m good.’

  ‘All right. Then you can keep me company while I have one,’ his friend countered, clearly not about to be moved on the subject.

  Hunter pulled his hands out of his pockets and made a “whatever” gesture. Sandeep nodded in acceptance before leaning across and giving Liv a kiss on the temple.

  ‘I’ll see you later. Mia, make sure you get some rest.’

  ‘I will. And—’

  ‘If you say you’re sorry one more time I shall put you on a plane home now.’ He grinned as he said it but I had a feeling there was an underlying promise. ‘These things happen and it’s far more important to me to ensure thatour friends are well and happy than to stick to any schedule. Understand?’

  ‘I do. Thank you for everything today.’

  ‘You’re most welcome. Now, let Liv take you up to bed. Get some sleep and I’m sure you’ll feel much better in the morning.’

  I wasn’t taking any bets on that, but I was willing to give it a shot.

  Liv shuffled me out and we made our way up to my room. While I headed straight for the bathroom to wash my face and clean my teeth, Liv busied herself pouring me a glass of water and turning back the sheets on the bed. I’d grabbed my jammies on the way and emerged a few minutes later ready for bed in more than one way. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

  ‘You look shattered.’ Liv’s face was all concern as she sat on the end of the bed. I fell in and shuffled myself around to lie on my back. ‘It’s the first time I’ve seen you look anything other than on top of things and in control.’ She reached for my hand where it lay on top of the silky, high-thread-count sheets.

  Having found a comfy position where my bump wasn’t pressing, I slowly rocked my head a little from side to side, the thoughts of the day, and especially the drive home, tumbling through my mind. Liv scooted up the bed a bit and wiped away a tear I hadn’t even noticed escape.

  ‘Oh Mia,’ she said, leaning over to give me a hug.

  I closed my eyes and sighed as she sat back up. ‘Please don’t be nice to me. You’ll probably finish me off entirely.’

  She rubbed my arm. ‘You know, sometimes it’s good to get it all out. Cathartic.’

  ‘Not for me. And definitely not this time.’

  ‘Why not?’

  When I didn’t answer, she tried again. ‘Is it just the hospital today? I’m sorry we forced you into going but it was important to check you were OK.’

  ‘Yes. I know. And I’m grateful to you both for being so kind. I will, of course, pay you back for everything.’

  ‘Oh, don’t be so silly. Forget about it now. We just have to make sure you take it easy. We have some quiet days factored in now anyway after the bungee tomorrow so it all works out fine. Don’t go thinking you’ve let anyone down or anything like that
. It could have happened to anyone.’

  ‘It didn’t, though, did it?’ I said, my voice thick with dejection as I pushed myself up onto one elbow. ‘It happened to me. In front of Hunter, of all people, and then there was all this fuss. He said from the start I wasn’t the right person for this job and, in his eyes, I’m pretty sure I’ve proved that to him.’

  ‘Rubbish.’

  ‘Liv, that’s kind of you but—’

  ‘But nothing. Between you and me, he told me just yesterday that he thought you were doing a great job, both on our stuff and the other bits Dad has you working on. Did you show him some pieces or something?’

  I paused for a moment, considering what she’d said. ‘I needed to look at some shots to help me finish a piece up – you know, get back into the atmosphere. He asked if he could see what I’d written so far.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And I showed him.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And he did some nodding and said it was good. Hard to tell what he meant.’

  Liv tilted her head. ‘I think he meant it was good.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘No maybe about it. Hunter’s not going to let his work be used alongside something he thinks could be better. And he’d have told you if that was the case.’ She frowned. ‘Surely you know that?’

  I began worrying my lip with my teeth, concentrating hard on keeping a check on the tears that were rebelliously building again. ‘No. I’m not sure I do. To be honest, I’m not sure I know him at all. I’m not sure I ever did.’

  ‘You were together three years, weren’t you? Of course you knew him. How could you not?’

  Good question. But it didn’t change how I felt.

  ‘Did something happen?’ Liv prompted when I didn’t reply.

  I shook my head.

  ‘You know I don’t believe that, don’t you? I was being polite when I asked whether something had happened. It was obvious to both of us that something had. You two looked bloody awful when you walked back into the hotel, and bearing in mind Wade had cleared you medically, it had to be something else.’

  Her phone gave a “mwah” kissy sound – the text alert she’d set up for Sandeep – and she pulled it from her pocket and scanned it before quickly typing a reply. ‘Hunter’s on his third straight Scotch. Sandy’s going to steer him to his room in a minute. Mia, what happened today?’

  I replayed the row in my head, over and over, until it was almost deafening in my skull.

  ‘Have you ever been absolutely sure you did the right thing? Never doubted it, even though others thought you were crazy? Even though it was painful, you knew without question it was for the best?’

  ‘And now you’re wondering whether it was the right thing after all?’

  ‘Yes. No. I don’t know. But he said… things today. Things I didn’t know, or maybe didn’t quite understand back then, that have made me think perhaps it wasn’t all so black and white as I thought at the time.’

  I couldn’t concentrate on holding in the tears at the same time as everything else and no longer even wanted to. I’d kept it together in the car, determined not to cry in front of my ex, whatever he said, or accused me of… or made me realise. One tear had escaped in the lobby but I was hoping he’d missed that. But now the gates were open and everything was spilling through.

  ‘Oh sweetie!’ Liv pulled me to her and hugged me, and somewhere in the back of my mind I clocked that I was currently soaking a six-hundred-quid T-shirt with salty tears, but Liv didn’t seem to mind and I was beyond stopping now anyway.

  When my chest and shoulders began to relent in their heaving, I sat back and swiped the heel of each hand across my cheekbones to mop up as best I could. Liv disappeared for a moment into the bathroom, reappearing with a cool flannel, which I gratefully took and used for a quick wipe-over.

  ‘Better?’

  ‘Much. Thanks. Sorry about all this.’

  ‘Oh God. Don’t apologise,’ she said, tossing the flannel casually across the room where it landed squarely on the drinks tray. ‘When Sandy and I had our first major row, I was a mess! This,’ she waved her hand at me, ‘is nothing! Honestly, I think I was on the verge of diva-dom if we’re honest.’ She winked at me. ‘But I don’t care. It means we feel, and that we’re in touch with our emotions, and that’s never a bad thing in my book.’

  ‘But you made up with him, obviously?’

  ‘Yes. But for a moment I thought I’d wrecked everything.’

  I smiled at her, and held her hand. ‘I’m glad it worked out. You two are perfect together. He’s obviously completely nuts about you.’

  ‘Hunter says he’s just nuts but I like your version better.’

  I twisted the sheet around the fingers of my other hand. ‘Remember when you asked me if our breaking up had had anything to do with Hunter’s change of outlook on commitment?’

  ‘I do. You said no.’

  ‘I did.’

  I could feel Liv’s eyes on me. ‘And now you’re thinking maybe it does?’

  I lifted my gaze slowly. ‘Let’s just say I’m not as entirely sure any more that it doesn’t. And I’m not quite sure how to deal with the fact that I might have been responsible for that.’

  ‘OK. Now you listen to me. Hunter is a big boy and he’s quite capable of making his own decisions and dealing with his own shit. Whatever happened between you two back then affected both of you, but you did what you thought was right with the information you had at the time. That’s all anyone can ever do. And don’t feel too bad. It’s not like he locked himself away in a monastery! He’s had plenty of time and opportunity to work on any issues he had. Whether he chooses to or not is entirely up to him. Not you.’

  ‘I know, but—’

  ‘No buts. I’ve got to know you on this trip, Mia, and as much as people think I’m a bit of a rich, blonde bimbo who gets upset when people talk about obituaries, it’s not true. All right, some of it is but I’m not stupid and I’m a pretty good judge of character, which is why I forgive Hunter his jibes, because I know he’s really a great guy and would do anything for Sandy and me. This whole trip is a joke compared to what he could be doing right now. And what he could be getting paid to do.’

  I looked up from where Liv was handing me two of the painkillers Doctor Dexter had sent me home with.

  ‘He’s not getting paid?’

  ‘Not exactly. And not through our choice, I hasten to add.’

  ‘Oh! No, I didn’t mean—’

  ‘I know you didn’t. But he refused to take anything. Said he wanted to do it as a friend. If we could cover the expenses then the rest was free of charge.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘I know. Obviously that still didn’t sit well with us so we came to an agreement that we’d give the fee to a charity of his choice. And I can see the cogs whirring in your head – don’t you dare feel bad that you’re getting paid for this. It’s a job. We already knew Hunter as a friend and he’s lucky enough to be in a position to be able to offer something like that. I wouldn’t even have told you if I’d thought you might start feeling you should do the same! Besides, I know that, if it was an option, you totally would have. I also know that, whatever happened today, and whatever you did five years ago, you did it because you thought it was right. Not out of spite or indifference or anything else. If you’ve got new information from what I imagine was a fairly major argument between the two of you, judging by the body language and the fact that Hunter was considering ordering a fourth Scotch, then that’s not something you knew about when you made the initial decision. You can’t start torturing yourself now about what you did then.’

  ‘No. I know.’ Olivia was right but the knowledge didn’t make it any less confusing or painful. I knocked back the pills with a big glug of water and lay back on the soft, downy pillows.

  ‘It’s never too late, you know,’ Liv said, not meeting my eyes and fussing about with the duvet instead.

  ‘Never too late for wh
at?’ The comfort of the bed, combined with the day’s events and emotions, was winning out against my determination to stay awake.

  ‘For second chances.’

  My eyes opened a little more as I met hers. ‘Second chances? You mean for me and Hunter?’

  Liv nodded.

  I replied with a sad smile. ‘I think it was too late for that the moment he stepped foot outside our house five years ago.’ My eyes closed as I said it, remembering the scene, the bulk of him behind the wheel, slamming the door, backing hurriedly off the driveway. Out of my life for ever. It had been better that way. I’d been able to box away the pain. Keep it sealed tight. And then I’d been given the chance of a lifetime…

  ‘Get some sleep.’

  I heard Liv’s voice in the foggy recesses of my brain before everything faded away into darkness.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The rescheduled bungee jump was about to take place and I was sitting on a rock watching from under the shade of a straw cowboy hat as Liv was strapped into the harness. Sandeep had already done it and was still buzzing from the thrill. He’d had Hunter’s GoPro strapped to him, and Hunter had taken various action shots throughout, and was now lining up to do the same for Olivia’s jump. There wasn’t a whole lot for me to write about here – Hunter’s photos said it all – so I was taking the opportunity to enjoy the view and the quietness of the location. Something I hadn’t been able to do yesterday, not only because I’d been busy arguing with Hunter, but because, out of everything, this had been the one thing I really hadn’t wanted to do. Everything else we’d done I’d enjoyed, even if I’d been nervous before, but the thought of the bungee had filled my stomach with a nauseous feeling every time. As much as I hated to admit it, Hunter had been right. I wasn’t determined to do it because I was eager for the experience. I’d wanted to do it because I felt I needed to show them I could.

  And while I was being so honest with myself, I had to admit as well that none of them – even the Hunter I knew now – would have thought any less of me if I’d just said no, bump on the head or not. But I’d been insistent on doing things for myself, and proving I could, for as long as I could remember. It was part of my drive and I didn’t want to lose that. But I couldn’t forget his words. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised he hadn’t been the only one to say the same thing. Subtle hints along the same lines from others had begun to float into my memory. Comments I’d dismissed at the time, barely acknowledging them. But I couldn’t do that with Hunter. He wasn’t a man to be dismissed and his words had burned into me. He didn’t do subtle. It was all or nothing with Hunter Scott. It always had been – in his work, in his love, in his passion. It had been one of the many things I’d admired and loved about him. I’d been on the receiving end of that when it was good – oh so good! And now, here I was again, on the opposite side. He’d let me have it all and I was still trying to work out what to do with it.