“Oh, good!”
A couple of hours later, I have dropped Kenzie off at the spa with strict instructions to text me when she is ready to come back to the villa. I’m not too worried about security on the island—Narter only came so that we would have security if we decided to leave the island. Had I known how much they had to do on the island itself, I probably would have given him the week off since there really isn’t a need for us to leave the island. A few minutes after I start up my computer, my Skype is alerting me that Alex is ready for our call. We review the financials before deciding to move forward with the proposal.
Alex: So, tell me, how is everything going with Kenzie on your fake honeymoon. By the way, the press are fucking having a field day over your announcement.
Nicholas: Everything is so fucked up, I don’t even know where to begin.
Alex: What happened? Are you and Kenzie not getting along as well as you were before you left? Cause I have to tell you, the way you too were all over each other at The Summit, I expected you to be in bed together that night.
Nicholas: We’re getting along great… better than…
Alex: So what’s the problem?
Nicholas: We’ve become… close this week. Much closer than we were before.
Alex: Spending twenty-four seven with someone will do that man. (chuckles)
Nicholas: I guess.
Alex: How is she handling your nightmares?
That’s what happens when you try to share a dorm room with someone at college. It lasted two nights before I begged my parents to let me move off campus—I was stupid to think living on campus would stop the nightmares. I just wanted to live in the dorms… to be normal. Instead, Alex got a front row seat to how fucked up I was. He didn’t bat an eye at it though, instead, he insisted that we look for a two bedroom apartment off campus to rent together.
Nicholas: Fuck.
Alex: What?
Nicholas: I didn’t have one last night either.
Alex: Didn’t have what?
Alex: When was the last time you had a nightmare?
Nicholas: (sighing) The night before our wedding.
Alex: Have you ever gone this long without a nightmare?
Nicholas: No.
Alex: Why do you think the nightmares have stopped? What’s so different about Fiji? Besides the beach, the views and everything else of course.
Nicholas: Kenzie.
Alex: Huh? How is being in Fiji right now any different than being in New York? Kenzie lived with you for what, about two weeks before the wedding right? I’m sure you still had nightmares then, right?
Nicholas: We’re sleeping together now.
Alex: (Cough) I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. Did you just say that you were sleeping together?
Nicholas: You heard correctly.
Alex: What brought about this change? In all the years I’ve known you, despite all the women you brought home, I’ve never known you to actually sleep with one of them. You were always too worried about…
Nicholas: I never have.
Alex: What changed?
Nicholas: I have no fucking clue.
Alex: You haven’t had any nightmares since the wedding?
Nicholas: Yes, that’s what I said!
Alex: Why?
Nicholas: I don’t fucking know!
Alex: It sounds like things between you and Kenzie changed quite a bit on this trip. Are you starting to think of her as more than just a business arrangement, like you originally said it was?
Nicholas: No… I mean… FUCK! I don’t know.
Alex: What has changed?
Nicholas: We’ve become even better friends; we’ve both opened up more… to each other.
Alex: She knows about your nightmares? About why you have them?
Nicholas: She does.
Alex: Wow.
Alex: Have your feelings toward Kenzie changed since you’ve been gone?
Nicholas: Of course. I told you that we’ve have become closer.
Alex: That’s not what I asked.
Nicholas: I don’t know how I fucking feel!
Alex: Have you fucked her yet?
Nicholas: What?!?! Of course not!
Alex: You’re offended that I would ask?
Nicholas: I am!
Alex: Since what’s-her-name, you’ve only been interested in fucking women. I just assumed you’ve fucked her by now—
Nicholas: Stop talking about Kenzie like that!
Alex: Based on your reaction, I’m going to assume that you haven’t fucked her yet.
Nicholas: No, I have not fucked Kenzie.
Alex: You don’t want to?
Nicholas: I don’t want to fuck Kenzie, no! She deserves better than that! She isn’t the type you just fuck.
Alex: So things haven’t changed physically between you two? You’re just sharing a bed but nothing more?
Nicholas: What are you asking? I already told you we haven’t had sex!
Alex: I’m just wondering since the press isn’t around, if you’re still putting up the act. Are you still physical with her even though no one is watching? Or are you two still just strictly friends?
Nicholas: No, we’re not! We’re making out like two horny high school teenagers! Is that what you want to hear? That I can’t keep my fucking hands off of her? That I can’t stop thinking about her? Because that’s what it’s been like since right before the wedding!
Alex: Were you like this with—
Nicholas: NO! Never! I’ve never been so… no one has ever gotten under my skin the way Kenzie does! I’ve never wanted to protect someone as much as I want to with her. I’ve never wanted to sleep with a woman before. I’ve never… felt like this before.
Alex: Do you love her?
Nicholas: No! Of course not!
Alex: Are you sure?
Nicholas: Yes, I’m fucking sure! I told you, after everything that she put me through, I’m never going to fall in love again! I’m never going to risk losing everything again, not for a woman, not for anyone ever again.
Alex: Sometimes people fall in love without realizing it’s even happening.
Nicholas: I’m not falling in love with Kenzie! I can’t fall in love with her!
“Um… I just wanted to grab my bathing suit,” Kenzie quietly walks past me and into the bedroom.
Chapter 17
Kenzie
“I’ll be right back,” I say as I jump out of the golf cart.
“Take your time, Kenzie,” Julie says.
I quietly enter the villa, unsure if Nicholas is still on his conference call and make my way into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. The spa was amazing and incredibly relaxing, so much more than I expected. Not wanting to bother Nicholas while he was on his call, I decided to head to the store to look around. I was surprised to run into Julie who was there getting sun-tan lotion before heading to the beach. Like Nicholas, Carter was also on the phone, only he was talking with Hunter and the rest of the security team back in New York. When she invited me to join her on the beach, I agreed to go with her so that Nicholas could spend the afternoon dealing with whatever must be going on at PFS that is pulling him away both last night and this afternoon. Julie suggested I buy another bathing suit at the store, but I didn’t want to spend more money, given that Nicholas already had an entire wardrobe purchased for this trip. Julie offered to take me in her golf cart when I said I would just run back to the room and grab mine.
Overheard…
“Do you love her?” A man asks.
“No! Of course not!” Nicholas exclaims.
“Are you sure?” It takes me a moment but I recognize Alex’s voice.
I should turn around and leave, go back to Julie and tell her I couldn’t find my bathing suit. I should go back to the store and just buy another one. I shouldn’t just stand here—I shouldn’t be holding my breath waiting for Nicholas’s response. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping on what is obviously a very private conversation.
“All I’m saying is sometimes people fall in love without realizing it’s even happening.”
Not what’s happening to me at all… I’m fully aware that I’m probably falling in love with Nicholas. It feels like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I thought I was in love with him, but I realize now I was just desperate to get the hell out of the place I was in at the time. I think I was more in love with the idea of getting out of that house and into a better place, than I was in love with the person who was taking me out of there. How I feel when I’m with Nicholas, though, is completely different. I care so deeply about him—I can easily see myself falling in love. I’m holding my breath again, waiting for his response, unsure of what I hope his answer is. Do I dare hope that he is also falling just as hard for me as I am for him? Do I hope that he admits he isn’t sure about falling in love with me, but that he has very strong feelings toward me as I do to him? Do I hope—
“I’m not falling in love with Kenzie! I can’t fall in love with her!”
With reality slapping me in the face, I quietly walk into the living room where he’s sitting on the couch with his computer on his lap. His response was definitely nothing like what I was hoping for: his words stung, reminding me what I knew from the moment I met him. I was foolish to think I could ever be enough for a man like him, that he could ever fall in love with someone like me.
“Um… I just wanted to grab my bathing suit,” I quickly walk past him, without looking him in the eye, knowing that if I were to he would be able to see the tears in them.
I grab my bathing suit and beach cover up, tossing them into a bag along with a towel. I should just change here before heading out to Julie, I know she wouldn’t mind waiting another minute for me but right now, I really just want to get out of here. I know if I stay here even for a few minutes, I’m just going to keep replaying his words over and over again in my head.
“Kenzie… I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting you—” Nicholas approaches me as soon as I leave the room.
“Clearly,” I mumble, not able to hold the sting from my words.
“You weren’t supposed to… that wasn’t meant for you…”
“Obviously,” I can’t hide the anger in my voice, although I don’t fully understand why I’m angry.
“I’m sorry…”
“I need to go, Julie is waiting for me outside.”
“Julie?”
“I ran into her at the store, we’re going to the beach.”
“If you wait a minute, I’ll change and—”
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
“Oh… of course.”
We stand there staring at each other until I finally look away, I shake my head and walk out to where Julie is waiting for me in the golf cart. I get into the cart without saying a word, not yet able to form a complete thought about what just happened. Julie must sense something is wrong, or maybe she is distracted herself, whatever reason, I’m thankful that she doesn’t say anything about my change in mood.
A few minutes later, we have changed, ordered drinks and are lying on the lounge chairs enjoying the amazing weather. As I look out at the clear blue water, I realize how foolish I have been over the last few days. I’ve allowed the lines between us to become blurred; I’ve completely forgotten that all of this is fake, that all of this is just for show. Things weren’t supposed to become so involved between us—we were supposed to remain friends and nothing more. But the night at The Summit changed all of that… everything changed that night.
“Kenzie, dear, are you okay?” Julie asks.
“I’m fine,” I lie.
“I know it’s none of my business, but if Mr. Parker did something—”
“He didn’t, Julie,” not really. He was only being honest, telling me what I’ve known all along.
“I’m going to be blunt with you for a moment. Afterward, you can tell me to mind my own business if you want,” I nod letting her continue. “I’ve known Mr. Parker now for more than five years and I’ve never seen him as happy as he is with you. I know things between you two are… unconventional,” Julie essentially confirms that she is aware of our arrangement, which really isn’t a surprise considering she is involved with Carter. “But, Mr. Parker loves you Kenzie—”
“He doesn’t—”
“He does, I just don’t think he knows it. Or maybe he is just afraid to admit it.”
“Even if that were true, which it’s not, why would he be afraid to admit how he felt?” I really shouldn’t be talking to Julie about this, but I have no one else to talk to. I shouldn’t be hopeful, but I still wonder if what she is saying is true.
“I don’t know if Mr. Parker told you about Harper?” I nod indicating I know of the bitch and what she did to him. “She managed to convince him that she was in love with him and that he was in love with her. Anyone could see from the outside that wasn’t the case, but he was too blind to realize it. She was… the most deceitful person that I’ve ever met. Mr. Parker has always treated me wonderfully; from the very beginning, he was always professional and treated me like a valued employee. Harper, treated all of us as if we were beneath her, as though she was better than us because she came from money. Mr. Parker never saw this though, he only saw what she wanted him to see.”
“She sounds awful, I’m sorry she treated you so badly, Julie,” I shake my head in disbelief that someone would treat another person so negatively simply because they had money.
“Even though Mr. Parker’s family absolutely loves him, I think he has always struggled to accept that their love is unconditional. He always seems surprised by the little things that they do to show him how much they love him. I honestly don’t know if he even knows what love looks like; I think that’s why it was so easy for him to think he was in love with Harper. Obviously, I wasn’t there when she first said those three words, but knowing Mr. Parker the way that I do, I think he was so taken back by the fact that someone outside of his family was saying that they loved him, that he convinced himself that he needed to love Harper back.”
“You don’t think he ever loved her?”
“No,” her voice leaves no doubt. “I can see the way he looks at you, the way he hangs on every word you are saying, and the way he constantly seems to search you out when you’re not near him. That’s love, Kenzie. He never did that with Harper; half the time, I don’t think he even knew if she was in the apartment with him. He loves you, whether he is ready to admit it, though, may be a different story.”
“I walked in on him having a Skype session with Alex; I overheard something I wasn’t supposed to.”
“What you overheard made you doubt his feelings for you?”
“Alex asked him if he loved me.”
“How did he answer the question?”
“He said he couldn’t love me.”
“Oh, Kenzie, I’m sorry dear. I can’t imagine how those words must have hurt,” she reaches over and squeezes my hand before signaling the staff for drink refills.
“I shouldn’t have let it bother me. This… what we have was never about love, I’ve always known that.”
“But you fell in love with him.”
“I think I am.”
“Just like I said about Mr. Parker loving you, I know without a doubt that you are just as in love with him as he is with you—”
“I don’t—”
“Neither of you may be ready to admit it yet, but it doesn’t change how obvious it is to everyone else that you are in love. You both have a past that makes loving someone or having someone love you difficult,” her words surprise me as I’ve never spoken to Julie about my past. Hell, I’ve never spoken to anyone as in depth as I have with Nicholas. “You just need to be patient with each other.”
“But what if…” I d
on’t even know what I’m trying to ask.
“Just be patient, Kenzie; he needs to realize how he feels on his own. Alex was probably pushing him to see what we all have already seen. He’s is the only one, besides Austin, who will call Mr. Parker out when he’s… stubborn”
“Maybe.” But it doesn’t change the fact that he said he couldn’t love me.
“How has your trip been thus far? Everything else okay between you two?”
“It’s been wonderful,” I admit. “It’s felt like we were the only two people in the world—that the press and everything else didn’t exist. We’ve both… gotten to know each other better.”
“Good, don’t let today ruin the rest of your trip, Kenzie. Try not to focus on what you overheard.”
“It’s kind of hard not to.”
“I know it is.”
Glancing back out at the ocean, I try to wrap my head around what Julie has told me. I knew that bitch had messed with Nicholas, and that he had difficulty trusting women after what she did, but I don’t think I ever thought about it beyond that. I never considered that she could have hurt him to the point where he didn’t think he could love someone again.
I also worry if what Julie is saying isn’t accurate: what if what he said had nothing to do with what Harper did to him. What if he was right? What if he really can’t love me? What if I’m not good enough for him? What if everything everyone has always said about me was right?
“Kenzie, I hate to do this, but Carter and I have dinner reservations that I need to get ready for,” Julie pulls me from my thoughts some time later.
“Of course, go… have fun!”
“Do you want a ride back to the villa? I can drop you off before I head to our room if you want.”
“No, I think I’m going to spend some more time out here. Thank you… for everything, Julie.”
“Anytime you need to talk, Kenzie, I’m here.”
“I appreciate it, I really do.”
I spend the rest of the afternoon and most of the evening on the beach; ordering dinner and drinks for myself rather than going back to the villa. Obviously, I know at some point I need to go back there, but I don’t know what to say once I see Nicholas again. What do you say to someone who just admitted they couldn’t love you? Do I just ignore what he said and pretend it never happened? Even if I thought that was the best choice, I’m not sure I can do it. I don’t know how to go back to the way things have been between us over the last few days without constantly hearing those words in my head. I really had thought that with everything that had happened between us this week, that I wasn’t the only one developing feelings in this relationship. I think I would have been okay if Nicholas admitted he didn’t love me but had feelings more than friendship for me. But he didn’t… all he said was that he couldn’t love me.
On Her Terms (The Arrangement Duet Book 2) Page 18