When the sun starts setting, the air turns cooler, and I know that I need to head back to the villa to deal with the situation that I’ve been avoiding for the last few hours. I still don’t know what to say to Nicholas—part of me still doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m afraid that if he realizes how much his words hurt me that he will also realize that they hurt because I’m developing feelings for him beyond the friendship that we have formed. With the press release just issued by PFS about our nuptials, doing anything to interfere with our arrangement could ruin Nicholas. I think the best option is to pretend as if I never overheard his conversation; this way he won’t know that his words hurt me or know the reason they did.
Realizing this is my best option, I take a deep breath, pack up my towel before tossing on my beach cover up and head up the boardwalk. Since Julie brought me here, I’ll be walking back to the villa. There are well lit paths from each villa to various areas of the resort so I’m not worried about my safety or getting lost. I reach the top of the beach where there is a small parking lot for the golf carts where I find one single golf cart parked. I don’t have to look at the person behind the wheel to know who it is…
“How long have you been here?” I ask as I approach the golf cart and climb in.
“I arrived a few minutes after you and Julie did.”
“You’ve been here for…” I have no idea what time it is because I didn’t bring my phone.
“Yeah,” he shrugs.
“Why didn’t you come down?”
“You seemed to want to be alone.”
“You didn’t have to stay, I’m sure you had things to do.”
“I didn’t.”
He starts the golf cart and drives us back to the villa. The ride is quiet, neither of us wanting to address the obvious elephant in the room. I’m shivering by the time we get back to the villa: the night air is much cooler than I had expected it to be and unfortunately my skimpy beach cover up doesn’t offer much protection from the wind on our trip.
“You’re freezing,” Nicholas touches my arm seeing me rubbing them.
“I wasn’t expecting the temperature to drop so quickly.”
“Why don’t you get in the hot tub? The water is already heated and it will warm you faster than a shower will.”
“I think I will, thanks.”
I walk over to the hot tub and turn the water on. Until tonight it hasn’t been used; I wait a few minutes for the water to quickly fill and climb in. Sitting in one of the seats, I turn the jets on, lean back and close my eyes. I feel Nicholas enter the room before I see him; he sighs heavily before sitting in one of the seats just behind me.
“Kenzie… I… I’m sorry you overheard call with Alex earlier—”
“You don’t need to apologize. If anything, I should be apologizing to you.”
“To me? Why? What do you have to apologize for?”
“You obviously had wanted privacy for your meeting, which I interrupted. I should have texted you like you asked, so you knew I would be coming back. The only reason I didn’t was because if you were still on your call, I didn’t want to interrupt you, which I ended up doing anyway.”
“I’m sorry you walked in when you did. I never meant—”
“Please, let’s not do this.”
“Kenzie—”
“Let’s just forget about it, please.”
“I think we should talk about it.”
“Why? Why should we talk about it, Nicholas? Is what you said untrue?”
“Well… no… but—”
“Then there’s nothing to discuss.”
Frustration, anger, disappointment, hurt and probably an array of other emotions that I can’t identify run through my head. I get out of the hot tub, grab a towel from the bench and dry off while heading to the bedroom. I was hoping that he wouldn’t want to talk about what had happened, that he would want to forget what happened just as much as I did. I hadn’t pinned him for the type who would want to talk about and hash it out.
I change into a pair of shorts and a tank top before climbing into bed and wrapping myself in the warm blankets. Part of me feels bad for snapping at Nicholas for wanting to talk about what happened, but I can’t let him see how much his words hurt me. I can’t let him know that it hurt because I was starting to fall for him. I can’t let him know that he just confirmed one of my biggest fears—that in fact, I am unlovable.
“Don’t fuck this up you little slut. This is your one chance at doing something with your life. I still don’t know how you managed to get Richard to fall in love with you—he’s too good for you. He deserves better than you, but for some reason, he wants to settle for you. Don’t fuck it up!”
“I won’t, Grandmother.”
“If you fuck this up, don’t come crying to me. Once you walk out of this house, you won’t be permitted back in it. Your future is being handed to you. For whatever reason this wonderful man has decided you’re his future. What he sees in you is beyond me, but he must see something to want to spend the rest of his life with you. You fuck this up and your life is over. You will have nothing. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t care what he does, how he treats you or how unhappy you are, you don’t leave him under any circumstances. If he ever leaves you, it will be your fault for not being able to keep your husband happy. This is now your only priority: you keep this man happy and by some miracle whatever he found in you will stay there. I still can’t believe Richard fell in love with you; not when there are so many other women falling at his feet. Just remember that: you have nothing that he can’t find somewhere else.”
“Yes, Grandmother.”
“You know, I bet he doesn’t even love you.”
“He does—”
“No, I think he just tells you that to appease you. It makes sense now that I think about it; he doesn’t actually love you. I’ve told you over and over again no one will ever love you. You’re certainly not good enough for Richard to love you.”
I wake up with tears pouring down my face; my eyes frantically search the room, almost expecting to see her standing there. I’m relieved when I realize I’m in the villa in Fiji and not back in that horrible house in California. It’s not until I turn the bathroom light on and look back at the bed do I realize that I was sleeping in it alone. For the first night since our wedding, I have slept alone, although I guess it shouldn’t surprise me after what happened between us yesterday. I didn’t really give Nicholas any indication that I wanted to sleep with him.
I don’t think he understands why what he said bothered me so much because really I don’t know that I fully understand it. I should be happy he isn’t falling in love with me: it means things won’t become more complicated than they already are. I should be grateful that he wants to keep this friendship between us and not complicate our arrangement with love. I’m none of these things though—I’m not happy, I’m not grateful… I’m just…
I shake my head, needing to free myself from thinking about what happened earlier and from the nightmare. I remember the day clearly; it was the day I had announced to my grandmother that I was moving out. I had only known Richard a couple of weeks, but he knew I was unhappy living with my grandmother and had suggested we move in together. I thought it was too soon, but when he told me he was falling in love with me and wanted to spend every moment with me, I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker.
He had just started to look for a house to buy and invited me along to get a choice in where we would live. I thought it was my dream come true. I foolishly thought he was my knight in shining armor coming to save me from the shitty life I had lived until that point. Looking back, I realize just how stupid I was; we barely knew each other and had no business moving in together. I should have known that he didn’t love me, that we didn’t know each other long enough to love each other. I was just so desperate to get away from my grandmother that I probably would have moved in with anyone at that point.
&nb
sp; Needing to get my mind off of things, I head out to the patio, quietly passing by the living room where I assume Nicholas has decided to sleep for the night. The cool air on my face immediately wakes me up while the sound of the waves crashing in the background immediately draws my attention to the ocean and away from everything else. I’m about to turn around to find my flip flops, intending to walk down to the beach, when I hear whimpering coming from the other side of the patio. I immediately rush to the day bed where I find Nicholas tossing and turning under the sheets. I try calling his name but he doesn’t respond.
“Mommy… please help… Owwwww!!!!!!!!!”
FUCK! I need to do something—I can’t just sit here and watch him have a nightmare. I’m torn, though because he told me never to try to wake him from a nightmare. He even made me promise to leave the room if he had one when we were sleeping together. I try calling his name again, louder this time, but still no response.
“Please… Please… I’ll be a good boy… Don’t… NO!! NO more!! Please no more!! It’s HOT!! I good boy; I good boy.”
My heart is absolutely breaking: I can all too easily picture Nicholas as a scared little boy being hurt by his mother. Forgetting his warning, I slide into bed, lying next to him but keeping a small amount of space between us as he continues to toss and turn under the blankets.
“Nicholas, please wake up,” I beg, but all I receive in response is him moaning in pain.
I need to do something—I can’t just let him continue to relieve what happened to him when he was younger. I cautiously move myself closer to him, knowing that if he does end up hurting me this could permanently ruin our already messed up arrangement. I know he would never forgive himself, even if I was able to convince him that it wasn’t his fault. I know he wouldn’t hear of it.
I take his hand in mine, squeezing it to try to pull him from the nightmare. His head turns in my direction, but he doesn’t open his eyes. His back pushes into the bed, his face twists in obvious discomfort as he tries to push something imaginary off of his chest. I want to touch him, but I don’t know if that will trigger something worse for him. Not knowing what else to do, I do the only thing I can think of—I put my hand on his cheek and cautiously bring my lips to his. He immediately stops moving, but remains tense next to me.
Unsure if his nightmare is over, I gently run my tongue along his lips trying to bring him back to reality and away from the horrible person that hurt him so badly when he was too young to defend himself. It takes a few minutes, but eventually Nicholas sighs, and I feel him relax into the bed. I tense when he moves, unsure what he is going to do, but I’m relieved when he wraps his arm around my waist. I gasp in surprise when his tongue finds mine; the kiss quickly turns from one of comfort to one full of emotion.
“I’m so sorry, Kenzie, so fucking sorry,” he pulls me close to him and buries his head in my neck.
“Shhh… let’s not talk about that right now,” I beg him.
“We need to—”
“Not now, please.”
“Okay.”
“You had a nightmare,” I point out the obvious.
“Yeah.”
“You haven’t had a nightmare since we left, did something cause this one?”
“You weren’t in bed with me,” he says it as if it explains everything.
Chapter 18
Nicholas
I wake up to find Kenzie wrapped in my arms, and it immediately brings a smile to my face. When I went to bed alone last night, I thought the mornings of waking up with her in my arms were over. I knew things were fucked up yesterday, that I fucked things up yesterday. I never expected her to overhear my call with Alex—she couldn’t have walked in during a more inopportune moment. Of course, she didn’t walk in when I was telling him how much I like moments like this: lying in bed with her in my arms. No, she had to walk in to me saying that I can’t fall in love with her. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes, there was so much hurt in them. She has the same look after she has a nightmare, and it nearly killed me to know that this time I caused it.
I’ve tried to apologize, to talk to her about what she heard but she keeps pushing me away. I don’t think she wants to talk about it, but according to Alex that’s the worst thing I could let happen right now. Of course, he also demanded a raise since I failed to put marriage counselor in his job description.
I spent hours sitting in the golf cart watching Kenzie on the beach yesterday, trying to figure out how to fix things between us. I don’t know what Kenzie was thinking about, but she looked just as lost as I was; she just spent the time after Julie left looking out at the water. So many times I wanted to go down to her, sit next to her where Julie had been and tell her how sorry I was. I didn’t, though; she made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want me to go with her. I wanted to respect her need for space, even if it was killing me to do so. I know her personal space is important—that was obvious from the first contract with Bridget. I didn’t want to do something to fuck things up further between us.
It took me a long time to finally fall asleep last night; my mind kept racing, trying to figure out how to fix things. Once I finally fell asleep, it wasn’t long before a nightmare set in. What surprised me was that the nightmare ended so quickly—they never end so fast. I was stunned to feel Kenzie’s lips on mine, her hand in mine and her tongue gently coaxing my mouth open. Still shaking from the nightmare, I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her close to me, needing to feel her body against mine. Almost instantly I was calmed down and the memory of the nightmare was gone.
I eventually fell asleep again last night, and until the bright sun woke me up only a few minutes ago, I slept soundly. As I watch Kenzie sleep next to me, I realize that this is the perfect opportunity to finally clear the air between us. She’s lying next to me, my arms are around her, so she can’t easily leave like she did yesterday. Well, I suppose she could but since tying her to bed isn’t an option, this is probably the best chance I have for keeping her in one place long enough to at least listen to me. Now… if only I could figure out what the hell I should say to her.
“You’re thinking too hard,” Kenzie mumbles without opening her eyes.
I chuckle at how in tuned she is to me right now.
“Kenzie,” I sigh before rolling on my side, so we are now facing each other. I pull her closer to me, needing to again feel her body against mine. Her hand teases my hair while the other is resting on my arm.
“Did you sleep okay after…?”
“I did, thank you… for coming to me, for waking me up.”
“I didn’t know what to do. I needed to wake you up, but I was so afraid of touching you and making it worse.”
“Kenzie, I… I can’t apologize enough for yesterday—”
“It’s not—”
“It is. I know you want to ignore what you heard, because you think it will be easier, but we can’t do that. I hurt you and I will never forget the look in your eyes when you walked in after hearing what I said.”
“Nicholas,” she tries to pull away from me, but I wrap my arm a little tighter around her waist.
I’m not holding her tight enough to freak her out (at least I don’t think I am), but I’m holding her tight enough that she can’t just easily get off the bed and leave.
“What you overheard was Alex pushing me, but what I said wasn’t about you Kenzie. I need you to know that it had nothing to do with you—”
“Hmmmm,” I can hear the sarcasm clearly; she is no longer looking at me, her gaze now fixed on my shirt.
“Kenzie, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.”
“Please, don’t give me the ‘it’s not, you it’s me’ line. Look, I get it: you can’t love me. I don’t see the point in hashing this out any further. I don’t know why you’re so intent on us talking about it and making things more awkward between us. Please, just let me up so I can take a shower and get dressed.”
“No.”
“N
o?”
“No. You’ve been avoiding me since yesterday, and I’m not going to let you continue doing it. I never said that I can’t love you—”
“You did!”
“No, I didn’t, damn it! What I said was that I can’t fall in love with you. There’s a big difference!”
“It’s the same thing.”
“No. Not being able to love you means you don’t have any qualities that someone would find loveable. Nothing could be further from the truth. You’re kind, generous, strong, beautiful, sexy, trustworthy and just fucking amazing. When I said that I couldn’t fall in love with you, it wasn’t because I didn’t see those qualities in you. I see them every damn day that we spend together!”
She doesn’t say anything—I don’t know if she’s still listening to me or if she’s just tuning me out.
“Kenzie,” I sigh trying to figure out what the hell I can say to her to fix this. “I… I’m fucking scared.”
“What are you scared of?” her voice is barely above a whisper, but at least I know she’s not tuning me out.
“I thought… I thought I fell in love once. Looking back, I realize now that what I felt for her wasn’t love at all. But it doesn’t change how things ended. I nearly lost everything when… I can’t do that again. I… I just can’t.”
“I get it, I really do.”
“You mean more to me than she ever did. I trust you more than I have anyone in my life. I care so much about you, Kenzie, which is why seeing you hurt yesterday because of something I did nearly killed me—”
On Her Terms (The Arrangement Duet Book 2) Page 19