Surrender

by Violet Paige

  “I know.”

  I studied him. How were we going to break through this impasse? I knew he was a thief. I knew his work was dangerous. I knew fleeing the country with him had cost me everything. His eyes closed and I stroked his dark hair.

  Maybe I could learn how to handle working with Blackwing, but Vaughn couldn’t. Maybe this time the client wanted a secret formula to cheat and make money in sports, but what if next time it was assassinations? Was I really going to be able to roast chickens, hang custom drapes and pretend I didn’t know I was helping murderers? Could I shake hands and spend time with smugglers and thieves? People who planted seeds of chaos in the world? Help orchestrate coupes and political upheaval?

  “Vaughn?” I whispered.

  His side rose with a heavy breath. He was asleep.

  I didn’t have the answer, but we had to find it. Together.

  Chapter Ten

  The next morning, I pushed the covers away and opened my eyes. The crystals swayed delicately overhead on the chandelier. God, I spent hours choosing the right one. Just like the drapes hanging above the floor to ceiling windows and the duvet we slept beneath. Every part of this room had been a careful selection. I rolled to my side and propped myself up. The small piece of coral Vaughn had brought from the Bahamian ocean rested next to the clock. It was the one gift from him that meant more than all the others. I loved the simplicity of it. I loved the memory of when he gave it to me.

  There was a cup of Marie’s coffee on the bedside table in front of a white paper bag. I smiled, knowing one of her fresh-baked pastries was inside. Taped to the front of the bag was a note from Vaughn. I plucked it from the paper.

  I love you.

  That was all it said. I turned it over, but the other side was blank. I placed it on the nightstand before piling pillows behind my back. I took the coffee in my hands. It was still warm through the thick cardboard sleeve.

  I wondered if he had made it to work on time. I tried to picture him poking around Paul’s lab, but I shook my head. I either didn’t want to imagine him deceiving our new neighbors, or didn’t like the idea of how dangerous the new assignment was. He hadn’t been wrong. There was bliss in ignorance. In fact, even my imagination wasn’t worse than reality. Vaughn dealt in a world that was dark and gritty. Where money and power meant everything. The hair along my arm vibrated. I touched the coffee to my lips. For the first time, he had told me everything. I knew the target. I knew the mission. I knew the payout.

  I had slept later than usual, but I knew after the kind of night we had that was going to happen. I wasn’t sure what time it had been when I finally fell asleep. Vaughn had drifted off long before I did.

  I placed the coffee next to me and walked to the bathroom. A few minutes later, I was wrapped in a robe and facing a day that had no to-do list.

  Even if I did have something to do for the apartment, I wasn’t sure I wanted to venture out. The idea of running into Eloise again wasn’t pleasant. I wasn’t sure I could face Aubrey either. Everything was muddled and confusing. Maybe that was why Vaughn had brought the coffee. He didn’t want me to leave the apartment either.

  I wandered into the living room and noticed the remaining dishes from last night had been washed. How had Vaughn done all of that without waking me? I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about it. I toasted a bagel, dropped it on a place, and walked back to the living room.

  I curled on the couch and picked up the remote. French morning TV it was.

  I awakened from a catnap and saw the rain droplets sliding down the windows. I shook off the blanket and rubbed my arms as I walked toward the glass. The courtyard looked especially dreary today. I imagined it would be beautiful in spring when the flowers bloomed. I didn’t know if we would be here long enough to see the garden come to life. Today it looked like a scene out of a Bronte novel. Gothic and chilling.

  I turned and spotted my phone on the counter. It was a burner. All my phones were. Every couple days Vaughn would switch it out with a new one. The only number I had saved in my contacts was his. I knew that was how it would always be.

  As long as we had this life. As long as we were living in the shadows from Agent Kenneth.

  I picked up the phone. I didn’t need a contact button to remember Garret’s number.

  I dialed it from hypnotic memory, pressing lightly on the screen. My fingers twitched as if I didn’t have complete control over them.

  I held my breath when it started to ring after several seconds of agonizing silence. It would be evening by now in North Carolina. After dinner, but maybe he was out with Morgan. Maybe he had left his phone at home. I almost hung up. I shouldn’t call. I knew it with every logical thought I had, but I was dying for a shred of my old life. For something to connect me to home.

  “Hello?” My heart stopped when he answered.

  “Hi, Garrett.” It came out almost as a whisper. I cleared my throat. “Hey, it’s me.”

  “Emily? What the hell? Where are you?” Was he angry or worried. Maybe both. “Are you back? Where are you?”

  I shook my head, and perched on the edge of the couch. “No. I just wanted to say hi. I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

  “What’s this number? I almost didn’t pick up.”

  I knew he had always been skittish about unfamiliar numbers. I was lucky he had answered. “It doesn’t matter. How’s Mom?” I asked.

  “She’s about to lose her damn mind.” He sighed. “Are you ok? Has he hurt you?”

  “What? Who hurt me?”

  “That guy. The one you’re with. Look, there have been agents here. FBI, Emily. You are in some serious shit. I know you’re in trouble, but I’m worried. Just tell me where you are.”

  I wanted to throw up on the expensive rug I purchased. “Are they bothering you? Threatening you? What did the agents say?”

  “I don’t believe anything they’ve said. I know you. I know you aren’t a criminal. You would never help a criminal. I’ve told them that so many times, but they keep calling. They keep showing up. How can I help you? How can I bring you back?”

  I closed my eyes. “You can’t.”

  “What is that supposed to mean? Just tell me where you are and I’ll drive. I’ll drive all night if I have to. It wasn’t that long ago you drove all night to find me, remember? Let me be there for you. I can do this.”

  The pain circled my lungs. “I don’t need you to pick me up.” I knew better than to give him any kind of clues as to where I lived now. If I could slip up, so could he. And my brother was the one in regular contact with the FBI.

  “Has he hurt you? Forced you somehow? He had to, right? That’s the only way something like this could have happened to you. I am going to kill him.”

  “No. No.” I wanted to stop that line of thinking before it snowballed. “I left with him. Because I wanted to.”

  “What? That doesn’t make any sense. You wouldn’t do something like that. This isn’t you. You’ve never broken a law in your life. Never.”

  I wasn’t sure what it was I felt. Shame? Guilt? Defiance? I felt the need to defend my ability to be rash and impulsive. I wanted to tell Garrett he had no idea who I was. He had always been too wrapped up in his own problems to notice or care. But why was I trying to pick a fight with the one person I needed?

  “Garrett, tell me how Mom is.”

  He huffed. “She’s a complete wreck. She’s not eating or sleeping. She blames herself for this. She thinks she wasn’t there for you. She thinks she pushed you away somehow.” He paused. “It’s been humbling. I think I’ve finally seen what I put her through. She doesn’t deserve it. From me or you. You need to come home. You’re hurting her.”

  I had waited so many years. My whole life for him to see it. To see that our mother would do anything in this world for him. But I hadn’t expected it to happen because we traded places. I was the good one. The loyal one. The steady one who was there for everyone in the family.

  I had also been the
enabler. The pushover. The weaker sibling who was swept to the side when Garrett took center stage. I wasn’t that kind of sister anymore.

  “You can’t tell her I called.”

  “What? Why not? I have to tell her you’re all right.”

  I sighed. “You can’t. Ok? It will make things worse.”

  “How can it be worse than thinking she’ll never see her daughter again?”

  “I’m going to see everyone again.” I didn’t know if that was a lie. Vaughn and I talked about it like it was something that could happen, but it wouldn’t be soon.

  “When? If you tell me when, then at least I know what I’m dealing with.”

  “I’m not sure. But as soon as I can, I will.” My throat started to tighten. This felt like an actual goodbye. One that seemed close to permanent.

  “I need to go. But don’t tell her. Ok? Do that for me. It’s better for her. The less she knows, the better. Protect her from this, Garrett. Try to keep the agents away from her. I promise I’m happy. I’m ok. I’ll try to call again when I can, but I have to go now.”

  “I’m not hanging up,” he protested.

  The tears stung. They welled on my bottom lids, ready to spill at any second. I didn’t want to hang up either, but it was time.

  “I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted you to know I’m ok. I’m here because I want to be. Remember that. I’m where I’m supposed to be. I love you. And Merry Christmas.”

  “Emily, wait just a—”

  I tapped the red button on the phone and sank into the couch. It was a stupid risk. A dangerous decision that hurt more than anything. I could have talked to my brother for hours. I wanted to hear about how things were going with Morgan. I never even asked about Dad. What did I expect when I called weeks after disappearing?

  Worst of all—it was selfish.

  I knew with certainty that Agent Kenneth was looking for me. That meant Greer was being questioned and watched. The team at the office. Maybe even Lana Foley. Damn it.

  I didn’t know how Vaughn did it. He was able to compartmentalize his family back home from this life he led. It was rare we ever talked about them. It was like his family was a set of mythical creatures I’d eventually meet, but in a dream scenario.

  And mine? They were far from mythical. They were a screwed up mess. What I had done to them had probably magnified the problems. This would only make my divorced parents fight more. Divide them. Test them in ways they weren’t equipped to handle. Despite the grenade I had just hurled at him, it hit me how rational Garrett sounded. I folded my feet under me. He sounded strong. Confident. Like the best parts of my brother when he was in a good phase. At least there was that. It was one crumb to hold. One small morsel that I could focus on instead of the pain settling in my chest.

  Chapter Eleven

  Something happened after that call with my brother. It was easier to let go. Maybe because I understood how much jeopardy I put my family in when I reached out. Maybe because hearing his voice made me realize he was doing ok on his own. He didn’t need me to push him through the day anymore. He hadn’t needed that in a long time. I hoped it wasn’t all dependent on Morgan. Regardless, it reminded me he was living his life and I didn’t need permission from anyone to live mine. How I moved forward was up to me.

  Whatever it was, it made the holidays happier. Easier.

  We bought a small tree. Decorated it with shiny antique ornaments that cost more than they should have. We exchanged gifts.

  Vaughn surprised me with a trip to Switzerland for New Year’s. For the most part, the country closed down through the first week of January. Vaughn didn’t have to work at Mertech, and it was strange, but even Blackwing seemed to take the holidays seriously.

  We stayed in a small village that looked like a European postcard. The streets were lined with patio lights. The gas lamps flickered when we walked home from the pubs. We drank amazing beer. Had incredible sex. Rang in the New Year together.

  Once we returned, it was as if we lived in a bubble. I went to lunch once a week with Aubrey. We joined a book club together and met some other ex-pats. We drank wine and talked about our husbands. It was the most social I’d been since college.

  Vaughn left for work each morning as a marketing executive at Mertech and came home to me each night. I cooked something new almost every night. I was determined to master French cuisine. On the nights I was too tired, he picked up take out on the way home.

  It worked. I felt calm. At ease. At peace with breaking from the past. I stopped trying to cling to my old cases. I stopped worrying about never practicing law again, or mentoring students. We were happy. We were in sync. Connected.

  Until I ran into Eloise at the flower shop.

  “Ahh, Kate. Bon jour.” Her curls danced next to her cheeks.

  I almost dropped my coffee from Marie’s. “Eloise,” I answered cautiously. “Bon jour.”

  She seemed out of place here. Like she dropped into my life from a helicopter circling overhead. That was absurd. But it was exactly how it felt.

  I had stopped to look through the early shipment of tulips. Spring was a long way away, but the white and pink flowers made it seem like it was only around the corner. They were deceiving, like many other things in my life.

  “The sun is out. We should walk.” She eyed the sidewalk outside the shop’s door. I knew it was a directive, not a request. I decided not to argue.

  I smiled at the clerk, placing the tulips back in their silver buckets, and followed Eloise onto the pavement. I buttoned my coat.

  “You look well, Kate.” Eloise had a brisk pace.

  “Thank you.” I pressed my lips together, hurrying next to her. I didn’t like the game of catch-up she made me play.

  “It seems you’ve adjusted to the move since the last time I saw you. Paris life suits you?” she asked.

  “Oui,” I answered with a little more smartass quip than Eloise probably cared for.

  I didn’t expect her to lead me to a restaurant. She opened the door. The floors were tiled in oversized black and white squares. The pale yellow paint on the walls was chipped and peeling. She slid into a seat by the window, pointing for me to join her.

  I had passed this spot many times, but never wandered in. It always looked closed. Sitting on the inside, I realized it was because of the gloom that hung in the air.

  A man walked toward us, offering menus.

  “My treat.” Eloise smiled. “An early lunch.”

  I wasn’t in the mood for food. I wanted to know what in the hell this was about. It had been nearly two months since I had last seen her. Why was she here now? A spiral of fear twisted through me. What if it was Vaughn? What if something had happened to him? Eloise was too calm for an emergency.

  I ordered a chicken salad to appease her and handed the waiter my menu.

  An older couple walked in a few minutes later and sat in a booth at the back of the restaurant. Their heads bowed toward each other in quiet conversation. It was eerie in here.

  “Let’s see. We have a lot to discuss,” Eloise began.

  “Do we? I’m not sure about that.” I stared at her. I refused to fidget. I refused to let her be in charge.

  “Look. I’ll be honest with you. The time table has moved up here. The client needs their services much sooner than we thought.”

  I sighed. “Why are you telling me this? I’m not one of your employees, or contractors. This isn’t my business. It’s yours. And Vaughn’s,” I added. “I don’t really want to know the details.”

  Eloise cocked her head to the side. “His business is your business. That’s how these types of relationships work. You helped before and you need to help him again.”

  I shook my head. “No. We keep our work separate. I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

  “What work?” she snapped. “You do nothing, Kate. Nothing. Unless you consider book club a meaningful contribution. How much do you make from that? Are you planning on contributing to a blog or som
ething?”

  My eyes narrowed. “I don’t need to explain what I do to you.” I was rattled. I hated that she knew how I spent my time. That she used it against me.

  “Yes and no. But, that’s beside the point.” She paused when the waiter returned with our food. “Merci.” She smiled at him. He left, his shoulders slumped. His face expressionless.

  “Let’s start this over. You have become useful where Aubrey Auclair is concerned. You have her confidence. Her trust. Both are valuable. We can move things along with your help. It’s necessary.”

  “I’m not going to exploit my friendship with her to help the company.” It was a euphemism for Blackwing Vaughn and I agreed upon.

  Eloise leaned into the table. “It’s not a friendship. She is next to the mark. Your relationship is a result of the assignment. I realize you haven’t been trained, but you have to realize that. She isn’t your friend.”

  “She is,” I argued.

  “And when you move to Morocco or to Cleveland, are you going to stay in touch? Write emails? Call each other?” She smirked. “Once she knows what you’ve done she’ll never want to hear your name again. People like us don’t have the luxury of friends.”

  “I’m not like you,” I hissed.

  Eloise chuckled. “That’s what your partner keeps saying. Do you have any idea what he has sacrificed? You shouldn’t even be here. The least you can do is prove your gratitude.”

  “What sacrifices are you talking about?”

  “The kind we don’t allow. At least we didn’t before you. It was the first time I can remember an exception like this.”

  I shook my head. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ll ask Vaughn. Whatever it was, I know he doesn’t want me to work for you, so stop trying to pit us against each other. It won’t work, Eloise.”

  “You’re a real modern power couple.” Her eyes were cold.

  “I don’t think either of us are interested in that title.” I smiled.