Baby Reindeer

by Richard Gadd

  Teri Jesus Christ, Gadd, just tell her you’re on a date and she needs to fuck off.

  . . .

  Gadd Martha hears ‘date’ and looks at Teri – stares through her – accuracy without focus. What is she thinking?! Jealousy?! Rage?! Is she trying to figure Teri out, trying to figure out who she is, where she’s from – and what that makes me, now, in her eyes. Does she know?! Does she know?!

  . . .

  Gadd Teri stares back – focus without accuracy. Knowing Teri as I do, she always wanted this moment to come. A chance to unpick her psychology. I have never met someone so convinced in their ability to break someone down.

  . . .

  Martha Whore!

  Gadd Martha shouts out, prompting the bouncer –

  Martha Whore! Whore! Whore!

  Gadd She starts lunging at Teri, violently trying to gouge her eyes –

  Martha Ugly, nasty, little, whore! With the boots! The boots! The boots!

  Gadd Her rage caused her to just name things she was looking at –

  Martha The boots! The boots! The boots! Red hair! Red hair! Red hair!

  Gadd I look at Teri, who just stands there defiant as the bouncer tries to move Martha away –

  Martha You look like a man!

  Gadd Teri didn’t look so defiant anymore –

  Martha She’s a whore! I tell you! Aids-ridden skank! Man! Man! Man!

  Gadd I push Martha outside with the bouncer and without one solitary fuck to give –

  . . .

  Gadd That is enough! You’re fucking insane! There isn’t a parallel world where I would want you! And of course you have to stalk because you cannot achieve love any other way and fuck you! Get out of my life!

  . . .

  Gadd I walk back in and wander up to Teri. The adrenaline was coursing through me. I take her hand – it was a big moment for me, taking her hand like that. But she didn’t even register it. She just stared at the floor.

  . . .

  Gadd Shall we get a drink? Sit down maybe?

  Teri No. Let’s just go home.

  Scene Six

  Martha Email Hi, bye bye clitoris if you don’t fuck me soon baby rein, itll fall right off.

  . . .

  Policeman We can’t charge someone for masturbating.

  Gadd It’s not about the masturbating!

  . . .

  Policeman I’m simply giving you the arguments that she will come back with. We need a credible threat or something sexually aggressive towards you. How she pleasures herself in her own time does not qualify.

  Gadd What happens if she does threaten me, then? Do we get a restraining order?

  Policeman No, a restraining order needs to be obtained from the court. A first instance harassment warning comes first and once that is issued and she breaks it, it can take months –

  Gadd Months?!

  Policeman This process can be sped up in severe cases.

  Gadd This isn’t a severe case to you?!

  Policeman We’re not saying –

  Gadd If I was a twenty-five-year-old woman and a forty-five-year-old man kept following me around, emailing stuff about wanking, and how much he needs to get fucked, grabbing my vagina and ass in a pub corridor – would that be a severe case to you?

  Policeman With male to female gender stalking, the threat of a man is physical. He carries more ‘weight’ –

  Gadd Nobody carries weight against a fucking knife, okay?

  Policeman Again, Mr Gadd, there is nothing to suggest in her emails that violence is –

  Gadd Ah fuck it!

  . . .

  Gadd I can’t believe I’m in a police station talking about knives. I grew up in a place called Wormit. This isn’t The Wire. What has my life come to? Googling what to do if she chucks acid in my face. What to do if she comes at me. What is considered excessive self-defence. Incredible, really, how much you can affect someone’s life within the parameters of legality.

  . . .

  Policeman Her obvious mental health problems mean that we have to proceed with caution –

  Gadd There was always something about the mental health part that made me shut my mouth. You have to remember she’s ill! You have to remember she’s ill! You have to remember –

  . . .

  Gadd She’s fucking up my goddamn life! Type her name into the system! There will be something there! I’m telling you!

  . . .

  Gadd He types it in with a reluctant sigh, then, gear change.

  Policeman Right, right, right, tell you what. Yes, I believe I’ve found her – I tell you what, why don’t I, get your, your – I tell you what, take a seat and I will – I had better type this up.

  . . .

  Gadd Part of me was like – Hahahahahahah! See?! See?! Hahahahah! Vindicated! The other part was like – Jesus Christ, what the hell has she done?!

  . . .

  Policeman I can’t divulge too much information here, I am afraid, but know that she is a very serious woman, a very serious woman indeed. So serious that she once stalked a policeman.

  . . .

  Gadd Sorry, I can’t go into any more information than that.

  Gadd No, that was sufficient.

  . . .

  Policeman There are a lot of procedures we have to go through with a person this ‘delicate’. No accusations will fly around, we will just tell her that we are aware of the situation with you.

  Gadd Great. Then what?

  Policeman You’ll be surprised by how much the presence of the police can change things, Mr Gadd.

  Gadd Mmm, I get that – but you said she’s a serious woman who even stalks policemen?

  . . .

  Policeman We’ll do what we can.

  Scene Seven

  Gadd The police’s presence at her door had earned me silence from Martha for the first time in two and a half years.

  . . .

  Gadd I waited for what might happen next. Filled with anxiety from all angles. Fear of how she would react. Fear of what she might say in response.

  . . .

  Gadd I sat and I trawled back through her emails – not a single day from the moment I first met her to the last did she not contact me. Now, silence – strange, eerie – silence.

  . . .

  Gadd Reading back through everything – I was always so conflicted with how she viewed me –

  . . .

  Martha Email it’s a weird feeling with you, its like your so cufdldly reindeer, I don’t know whether to fuck you or put you in a bath and wash your cloths and feed you health avge, a toyboy at my age, god give me strength, you’re a head fk gadd.

  . . .

  Gadd She infantilised me and she sexualised me. She wanted to mother me, then fuck me.

  . . .

  Gadd Why me? Why did she just choose – me?

  . . .

  Gadd I start to panic – at least before it was contained. Did I need to rock the boat?! The emails allowed me to tune into every facet of her emotion. I knew when she was sad. When she missed me – when she was ill, or drunk, or angry. When I needed to walk to a different bus stop – or put a scarf over my face just in case. Now. Nothing.

  . . .

  Gadd In my darkest moments, I find myself awake at night – worried – terrified, in fact, that I am going to wake up one day and she will have killed herself. An email in my inbox expressing that I was the reason why.

  . . .

  Gadd Through no volition of my own, I am going to bed at night with Martha on my mind and waking up with her in the morning. More entangled with her than I have been in any consenting experiences of love prior.

  . . .

  Gadd Did I miss her? Was there some part of me that missed her? Missed the drama? Missed the attention? Missed the fucking distraction from him, and myself, and Teri, and –

  . . .

  Gadd Did I miss her?

  . . .

  Gadd The strangest part about all this is – during this period of t
ime – I start to masturbate over Martha. There is something so fucking awful, yet thrilling, about the idea of doing something that would devastate my life even further.

  . . .

  Gadd I was completely clogged up with her. It sometimes felt like it was the only way I could get her out of my system, so I could sleep. So I could think about her in any other way that wasn’t tedious regret.

  . . .

  Gadd I would come quickly – every time – and I would be left with the same befuddled confusion that has become my post-wank trademark. What the fuck was that?! Where did that come from?!

  . . .

  Gadd I didn’t know anything anymore, so in a tailspin as to where this might end – I felt abused. Again. Defenceless and clueless as to how to make it stop.

  . . .

  Gadd Surely, with the police knocking at her door, she’d be foolish to do anything stupid again, right?! She’d be foolish to do anything stupid again.

  . . .

  Father Interview So – I received a call from a woman who was supposedly a lawyer and, um, worryingly, she said my son Richard had been in some kind of accident – and it was quite serious, and he was in hospital – so of course, momentarily, I thought this was true – well, then of course I phoned you and you weren’t in an accident at all – and of course, I must have been on her radar now, because it led to her phoning my office number every day for a considerable period of time.

  Scene Eight

  Gadd I post a tweet. ‘First shift back after Christmas. Kill. Me. Now.’ It wasn’t my first shift back. I wasn’t going back. Not until this was dealt with.

  . . .

  Gadd Tweeting was like a Pavlovian bell for Martha. I could put up a tweet with my location settings on and no matter what, she would be there within the hour.

  . . .

  Gadd Sixty minutes after posting, I made my way from my much more expensive, dirty, little flat to the pub. I knew she’d be outside. Trotting up and down the street like she always does, passing the open doors of the pub to see if she can steal a glimpse, knowing fine well I can do nothing about her walking on a public pavement. I hate her so much.

  . . .

  Gadd Martha!

  . . .

  Gadd She turns.

  . . .

  Gadd Leave my family alone.

  Martha I don’t know what you’re talking about baby reindeer, I –

  Gadd Leave my fucking family alone!

  . . .

  Gadd If you don’t, we will never be together. Do you understand?

  Martha I thought, with the police, that we weren’t on the cards anyway –

  Gadd If you leave my family alone, I will hang your curtains tonight.

  . . .

  Gadd I want to make sure I get it right though. All of it. So put in an email what you want to do to me, how you want me to – ‘hang them’.

  . . .

  Gadd She walks towards me and tries for a kiss –

  . . .

  Gadd No. No kisses. Email first.

  . . .

  Martha Email Dirty bugger, funny bugger, gonna string you up fuck you make you watch, gonan watch you masturbate, oragsms tirelessly, go all night, a sack of rudyds bones by tgeh time im finished wthh you.

  Scene Nine

  Policeman Thank you for coming in.

  . . .

  Gadd Why the camera?

  Policeman Just need to ask a few questions.

  Gadd Okay.

  . . .

  Policeman Did you meet Martha Scott in the street the other day?

  Gadd By chance. ‘Met’ would imply some prearrangement, but I did see her, yes.

  Policeman Did you ask her to send you a sexually threatening email?

  Gadd No.

  . . .

  Gadd The policeman opens a laptop and clicks space bar. Then I hear my voice –

  . . .

  Gadd Recording I want to make sure I get it right though. All of it. So put in an email, what you want to do to me, how you want me to – ‘hang them’.

  . . .

  Gadd Martha had taped everything. Everything we have ever done. The curtain references, the time I asked her to help me appeal against a parking fine, a file where we’re joking about my penis size – I tell her mine ‘stretched from Holloway to Westminster’ – I don’t even remember saying that?!

  . . .

  Gadd Laughing and giggling, loads of laughing and giggling – and listening to it back – it sounded bad, it sounded weird, and it sounded like I was in control which was the oddest part. I remember that feeling – sudden shock, caught red-handed, time stood still, bomb in a war zone, hot flush, fucking madness.

  . . .

  Gadd She has taped everything?!

  Policeman I can’t speak for everything, but she also showed us an email from you begging for anal sex.

  Gadd No! That wasn’t me. That was my friend on my account, I – he’s an idiot, he did it for a laugh, I – she is pestering my parents, I – I – I need it to stop! Nothing seems to be getting through to you guys – You can surely see the depths of her motives anyway in the email?!

  Policeman According to her, it was a game, knockabout fun –

  Gadd You can’t surely believe that! She’s a serious woman! Your words not mine!

  . . .

  Policeman I sympathise with your position but you must allow us to do our jobs. In a certain light, this could be seen as entrapment – but Martha isn’t going to press charges.

  . . .

  Gadd I’m sorry?

  Policeman Martha isn’t going to press charges.

  Gadd She’s not going to press charges – against me?! What the hell?! She’s stalking me!

  Policeman I suggest you apologise and let us go about doing our job again in the correct manner.

  Gadd Apologise?! To her?! Are you kidding me?!

  . . .

  Gadd How would I even apologise?

  Policeman We can pass along your apologies and then we can suggest to her – very strongly – that the two of you part ways. The police do not want to hear from either of you again.

  Gadd You’re putting us on an even playing field. How are you putting us on an even playing field?

  Policeman So?

  . . .

  Gadd Tell her I’m sorry.

  Scene Ten

  Martha Email Woweee, never been spoken to the wthe way that ginger little tart spoke to me that night, looked at me. Is that it Gad???????? Just stick your dick in anything??? Tell you what, weara bout ten condoms with that. She’s dissolve trhoguh at leats four, trhee maybe. Tell you what wear five, yeah? Feel like a hero sticking it in that!!! filthy little tart. Sent from my iPhone

  . . .

  Gadd I don’t know how Martha discovered Teri’s Twitter. She must have trawled through all of the people I follow – all two thousand – until she found her. She must have clicked on each one, and studied their profile picture until she found a face that matched. Her persistence never failed to astonish me.

  . . .

  Gadd Martha was commenting relentlessly on all of her tweets – insults about how ‘ugly’ she is and the fact she looks like a man. Teri would block her but she would just open up a new profile and pester her on that one instead.

  . . .

  Gadd Bar the rainbow flag in her bio, Teri never referred to herself as trans online, but knowing Martha as I do – the countless hours she would devote to getting dirt on her – it was only a matter of time before she found out.

  . . .

  Gadd I regressed again. Became consumed with the paranoia of people finding out. Walked with my hood up and my hands in my pockets. Any moment now, she is going to out my relationship and that will be it.

  . . .

  Gadd Should I break up with Teri?! Should I sit Martha down and ask her for sympathy?! Should I pack up, move back home, quit the pub, quit London, quit –

  . . .

  Teri This isn’t working, Gadd.

&
nbsp; . . .

  Gadd What isn’t?

  Teri This, you – look at you. You’re all over the place right now.

  Gadd I know, I’m sorry, it’s Martha, she’s really getting to me. Honestly, it’s got nothing to do with you.

  Teri It definitely has something to do with me. I saw you unfollowed me on all of your accounts?

  Gadd That’s was to protect you –

  Teri No, that was to stop her finding out more about me. If you were this concerned about her, you would actually have done something by now.

  . . .

  Gadd What is that supposed to mean?

  Teri Has it ever occurred to you that you might actually like having her in your life?

  . . .

  Gadd What are you talking about?

  Teri Think about it. She’s the one person who sees you as the thing you try so hard to be. An embodiment of all your nasty repressions bottled into one human being and maybe it would just help you to admit the truth of the situation.

  . . .

  Gadd What truth?

  Teri You’re a sleaze who likes being liked by women. It’s part of your hate.

  . . .

  Gadd Come on, Teri, she’s a fucking nasty, mad, bitch – you can’t let her affect us like this?

  Teri It’s not her affecting us! It’s you. I can’t be in this ghost relationship anymore. I can’t be with someone who refuses to make any changes in their life.

  . . .

  Gadd You’re breaking up with me?! Because of her?!

  Teri No. Because of you.

  . . .

  Gadd I never saw Teri in person again. She never responded to any of my apology messages. She shut off that part of her mind towards me the second she turned away. Instantly. Like a light switch. Off. Done. Gone.

  . . .

  Gadd Martha – like a guillotine, swift, concise, cutting through every facet of my life. Was it really a nice gesture that started all this? Or was it subjecting her to my sexist male privilege? Did I deserve this?

  . . .

  Gadd I really couldn’t tell anymore.

  . . .

  Teri Interview I feel, perhaps, looking back on it that I was maybe a little, I don’t know. Unsympathetic. I just didn’t have the breath for it anymore and when we first met, you gave it the big one – I won’t be like the others. But you were. I think there is a part of you that clings to stasis because you’re scared of the unknown. All the way through our relationship you kept talking about change but you’re not going to change if all you do is talk about change. I do stand by some of it. I felt – what are we calling her, again? Martha? Yep. I think Martha was born out of your stasis. Like she was part of it all. Being stalked wasn’t a happy time for you but, in a way, it was a comfortable one.