by Toni Aleo
“Okay, sounds good. Me and Aiden are cool, we’re gonna have movie night.”
“Awesome, can I talk to him?”
“He’s in the bath. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay, I love you.”
Audrey giggled. “Sure you do you, naughty little hussy! I love you! Tell Lucas I said hi and way to go.”
“Hey!” Fallon shrieked.
Audrey laughed. “Bye, sister dear!”
The line went dead and Fallon shook her head. Whose side was Audrey on anyways?
Lucas’.
Fallon giggled as she crawled out of bed, going to her bag. When she opened it, her eyes went wide.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said as she looked down at the many sets of bras and panties. Fallon pulled them all out, throwing them on the bed before picking up three very short dresses. They were Fallon’s party dresses for when she needed to flaunt her body for the good of wine. Audrey even included matching heels! “That sneak!”
“What’s wrong?”
Fallon looked behind her, seeing that Lucas had just come out of the shower. His towel hung low on his hips, showing the butt of the guns that pointed down at the most amazing part of him. Fallon’s mouth watered at the sight of the muscles that made his eight pack of abs before looking up at his powerful muscular frame.
Damn, he was gorgeous.
“Um,” Fallon stuttered before rolling her eyes. “Audrey packed me a bag of clothes.”
Lucas smiled, his knowing eyes locked with hers. “Good.”
“Yeah, if you want me prancing around in short little skirts.”
Lucas’ grin grew. “What’s wrong with that?”
“You’re impossible!” Fallon said, annoyed. How the hell was she supposed to go shopping in a short white tube top dress? Or a gray, one-shoulder lace dress? Or even a black mini dress with a bust line that dipped down to her belly button? She didn’t wear that last dress much anymore; it was a ‘before Aiden’ dress. What could she say — she had a little bit of an inner slut in her. She loved to dress sexy. What woman didn’t?
Lucas chuckled as he walked across the room, opening a couple of drawers before finding one he needed, and pulling out a pair of jeans and a tee. He threw them on the bed and Fallon looked down at them. They were her clothes from college. A small smile went over her face as she reached for her old red Stanford t-shirt. She had worn it almost every day to school, it was so comfy and her favorite shirt. She looked over at Lucas to see that he was getting dressed.
“I figured we go out for lunch, have a picnic on the beach.”
“Sounds good,” Fallon said, picking out a matching underwear set. She never matched her underwear, it took too much time. Audrey on the other hand, would never have mismatched underwear. It was a disgrace according to her.
“I was going to make us reservations for dinner tonight and then maybe some dancing,” he said.
Fallon glanced back at him. “Dancing?”
“We do it best,” he said with a grin.
“True,” she agreed before passing by him. He swatted at her butt and she giggled as she ran into the bathroom for a shower. Fallon went to shut the door, giving Lucas one last grin before doing so while he gave her a heated look. She laid her things on his blue tiled sink before looking up at herself in the mirror. A slow grin went across her face because she looked good, great even. Even with her hair a mess, her face was glowing.
But the grin left just as fast as it came. This was how she felt all the time when she was with Lucas before. If she wasn’t careful she would fall right back into the way she was back then and when he left her, she would become the mess she had been for the past seven years. She needed to be careful and she needed to be smart. She had to, or she would end up being the sad, scared, young girl Lucas had cheated on seven years ago.
It was like déjà vu.
Like they had done countless times before, Fallon sat across from Lucas on an old, tattered red blanket, eating Baja Fresh burritos as the ocean crashed against the shore. It was a beautiful spring day, but Fallon still threw on Lucas’ Assassins hoodie just in case she got cold. Lucas on the other hand didn’t think it was cold and looked scrumptious in his black board shorts and purple Assassins hoodie. His hair was a mess under his hat, and he still hadn’t shaved.
Thank God.
They ate in silence, and for the first time in a long time, Fallon felt completely relaxed. She could say it was because of the beautiful scenery but she would be lying. It started and ended with Lucas Brooks and his glorious tongue. Fallon became hot just from thinking about what they did the night before and that morning. She wouldn’t say she had forgotten about how amazing Lucas was in bed, but man, she hadn’t remembered it being that freaking great. Jeez, her body was still buzzing and it was well into the afternoon.
Fallon took a bite of her burrito, willing herself not to think about it. If she didn’t stop, no telling what would happen. Lord knew Lucas wouldn’t stop her if she tried to get naked with him on the beach. She shook her head at the thought but stopped when Lucas’ finger swiped along her bottom lip.
“Sauce,” he said gruffly.
She smiled as she looked down, picking her burrito apart. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
Fallon went back to eating her burrito as they sat in comfortable silence. It had always been so easy between them when things were good. When things weren’t, Lucas was nuts with his anger. Fallon had been around him for a solid month and she hadn’t seen it but once. Plus he had apologized right afterwards. It was so unreal that Fallon didn’t believe that she was sitting with the same Lucas Brooks that she used to sit with so long ago.
“I wanted to answer your question from last night.”
Fallon looked up at him to see that he was looking down at the top of his drink, running his finger over the bumps on the lid. “Huh?”
“You asked me why I cheated on you,” he said.
Air rushed from Fallon’s lungs. He had heard her?
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” he said before looking up at her. His eyes were so sad that it made Fallon’s heart stop while he held her gaze with his. “I didn’t mean to.”
Fallon looked down since she didn’t want him to see her roll her eyes. “How do you not mean to?”
“Fallon, look at me,” he demanded, and she did. He took in a ragged breath and his shoulders dropped as he said, “I was an alcoholic and pill popper.”
Fallon took in a sharp breath. What did he mean?
“I was extremely drunk and high when I came to your dorm that night. Allison came on to me, and I…” he shrugged his shoulders as he looked away.
“Slept with her.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t mean to or want to for that matter. I just missed you so much and I was horny. It was bad and I was really fucked up.”
Fallon pushed her burrito off her lap, and brought her knees up under her knee. “Why, Lucas?”
“Why what?” he asked, looking back at her.
“Why did you start it? Was it before me? Or during?”
“Before, when my dad died,” he said sadly. It pulled at Fallon’s heart strings. She hated that he had to go through losing his father. “That was what caused it. I didn’t deal with his death the right way. I didn’t get the help I needed. I was young and stupid and I didn’t know how to make the pain stop,” he said, and Fallon could tell he was embarrassed. “I never meant for it to get as bad as it was. I know now that nothing could have helped me until I admitted I needed the help.”
“I never knew,” Fallon said as her heart ached. How could she love someone so thoroughly and not know that he was dying inside? That he had to resort to alcohol and drugs to make it through his days. Was she not enough? Could she not make him better?
“I wouldn’t let you see that side of me. It was bad enough that you knew I couldn’t read. I couldn’t tell you that I had an issue with drinking or popping pills too. I couldn’t imagin
e what you would think of me.”
“I would have loved you and helped you through it.”
“I know that now, but Fallon, I was so embarrassed”
Fallon nodded. “I understand that you were embarrassed, Lucas, but you made me believe that I was your everything. We planned a life together.”
“I know and you don’t know how much I regret throwing it away.”
Fallon nodded again, her heart beating in overtime. It was all such a shock; she would have never suspected it. He didn’t act like a drunk. He wasn’t hung over all the time. He functioned just fine. How could she not know? “When did you get help?”
“Five years ago.”
“So two years after I left?”
“After you left I got worse,” Lucas said looking out towards the ocean. “The Sharks told me to get help or they weren’t going to renew my contract.”
Fallon took in a sharp breath. “It got worse?”
“I got careless and starting drinking all the time. At one point, my mom and Levi said they would leave me too if I didn’t get my shit together,” Lucas said with sadness in his voice. “I couldn’t lose my mom too. I had lost you and my dad, I couldn’t lose her.”
Fallon didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to do. She could just sit there, in completely shock. Molly threatened to leave her baby? It must have been horrible. Lucas must have been out of control. She couldn’t believe it. She had never heard anything in the news, not that she followed the sport but still, Audrey would have said something when she said that Lucas was Aiden’s dad.
“I never heard anything about it.”
Lucas shrugged his shoulders. “Levi can hide anything. He’s an ass but he is damn good at his job.”
Fallon nodded, and when his eyes met hers, she knew that he saw the shock and sadness in her eyes. “I went to rehab for a year and have been sober for the last four years.”
Fallon raised an eyebrow because she was confused. If he had only been sober four years, what happened to the other one? As if he knew what she was thinking he said, “I don’t count that year I was in rehab, I had to be sober to be in there.”
Fallon shook her head, it was just so unreal. “I never wanted to hurt you Fallon. I loved you, so much, but it was bound to happen. I was bound to fuck up, I was too far gone.”
Fallon shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know what to say.”
“There really isn’t anything you can say. I just wanted you to know what happened, why I did it. I don’t remember anything from that night. I only remember a little of our fight afterwards.”
Fallon tried to process what he had said. Then she looked up, her lips wobbling as she asked, “Could I have helped?”
Lucas shook his head. “No baby. I was too far gone.”
Tears sprang to Fallon’s eyes. She had spent the last seven years thinking she had done something wrong — that she had made him cheat — when really he was messed up. He was sick and she should have known. There had to have been signs or something telling her that he was suffering. Did she not ask? Was she that blind?
“Talk to me baby, tell me what you are thinking,” Lucas said, taking her hand in his. She looked down at their hands before looking up at his face.
“I feel like I failed you in a way. I should have known.”
Lucas started shaking her head before she even got the sentence out. “I hid it. No one knew. I was 18 years old with vodka in my Gatorade bottle on the bench; no one suspected anything from me. They babied me because of my dad dying. You can’t feel like you failed me. You didn’t baby, I failed you.”
Fallon felt like she couldn’t breathe and she fumbled with the words she wanted to say. She still wasn’t processing what he was saying, it all seemed so unreal. “I was so blind.”
Lucas scrunched his face up. “I don’t think so.”
“No, I was. If I was actually paying attention, I would have seen your pain. I was too busy having fun, drinking along with you,” Fallon said right as the tears started to fall. “I didn’t do anything but make it worse.”
Lucas shook his head before pulling her into his lap and cupping her face to bring it up so he could look into her eyes. “No. No. I don’t even understand how you think this is your fault.”
“I don’t think it’s my fault, I just feel like I should have helped you.”
“Why? I hid it from you, how could you help me when you didn’t even know?”
“I thought I knew you from your inside out, and I didn’t. I still don’t even know how your dad died. It’s like I didn’t know anything.”
“You knew the real me, the other me didn’t come out until I was away from you. I didn’t talk about my dad then because it hurt too badly. I’ve had help; I can openly talk about him and not feel like everything is ripping apart inside me. I was myself when I was with you. You made me a better person Fallon, you have to understand that.”
Fallon shook her head, letting it fall into her hands as the tears fell. She cried for him and she cried for herself. It was as if their whole relationship was going on as a movie in her head. As she replayed it, she tried to point out when she could have helped him, but he was right. He hid it well. Lucas sat beside her, running his hand up and down her back as she cried. For the billionth time, she replayed the night she found him with Allison. He was disorientated and he did slur a little but she was so mad. There was no way she was would have listened to him, but if she had, would they be where they are today?
She looked up. “If I would have given you a chance to explain, would you have told me?”
Lucas looked deep in her eyes before shaking his head. “I didn’t think I had a problem.”
Fallon moved her hand along her cheek. “So there was no hope for us?”
Lucas shook his head again. “Not then, but now there is.” Lucas moved his hands along her face, leaning his head against hers. “I’m telling you all this not to make you feel bad or wish that you would have given me a chance before, because really, you leaving helped me more than anyone will ever know. That is why I’m not mad at you for taking Aiden from me, because honestly would I have been the man and father that you and Aiden deserved then?”
Fallon’s tears ran over his hands onto their laps as she shook her head. “I don’t know.”
“Well I do, and I don’t think I could have been. I needed the wakeup call of you leaving, I needed the rehab, and I needed the years without you, because now that I have you I don’t want to ever let you go. I am not that person Fallon anymore, I don’t get mad the way I did before — well on ice I do, but not off it,” he said with a grin. “Fal, I will never hurt you again, and if you give me a chance, I’ll prove it to you.”
Fallon looked out at the ocean since she couldn’t take the look in his eyes. They were so bright, so full of hope and Fallon couldn’t handle it. She wanted to wrap him in her arms, tell him that she loved him. That she believed him. She was so scared though. But didn’t she owe it to him? He was sick and she didn’t do anything, but she didn’t know.
Blah!
As if she wasn’t confused enough before she knew all this!
“It’s so much to process, Lucas,” she said. Lucas nodded his head, pressing his nose into her cheek before kissing it.
“I know baby, I’m so sorry. I never meant for all this to happen, just give me another chance. I’ll never hurt you again.”
Fallon nodded. “Let’s just get through today and we’ll discuss what will happen later. I just want to enjoy what we have right now.”
He smiled against her cheek. “I do too, but I want more.”
“I know. I just don’t know if I can give it to you.”
Lucas’ eyes closed as he took in a deep breath. How he wished he could change the past so Fallon would trust him. He would give anything probably because at that moment, he had never felt so complete in his life. It was him and his girl, on the beach they had basically lived on before. All they needed was Aiden, running throug
h the waves and maybe Audrey, laughing about something. Everything would be perfect then.
He didn’t understand what else he had to do to get Fallon to trust him. He had told her everything. He had shown his heart to her, and basically begged for another chance. She had agreed to the weekend, so maybe he needed to keep on. Maybe it was about baby steps with her.
“I won’t stop trying,” he whispered into her cheek before placing a sweet kiss on it.
“I didn’t think you would,” she whispered back, leaning her head against his.
“Okay, well come on, let’s head back inside. I’m getting cold,” he said pulling away from her and getting up.
She picked up all their trash before grinning up at him. “I told you it was cold.”
“Oh hush, come on,” he said, taking her hand in his. She smiled over at him and they walked the short distance to the house in silence. He felt better telling her everything about his past issues, but he thought it would end differently than it did. He thought she would want him back, that she would forgive him but nope. Maybe he didn’t deserve it. Maybe he was supposed to live in the state of torture of wanting someone and something that he didn’t deserve. Maybe Fallon would always be at arm’s length and until he proved that she was the only one, he would only be able to want her.
But that didn’t feel right.
He was meant to love only Fallon and to be the best father imaginable for Aiden.
That was what he was meant for, and damn it, he was going to make it happen.
Lucas and Fallon spent the afternoon in bed watching old movies and not keeping their hands to themselves. He had forgotten how hot Fallon could be, and how with one look she could have him begging for her kisses and touches. With every simple touch between them, he fell more in love with her and it was amazing to do it all over again. He thought he loved her before, but now, he couldn’t fathom ever loving anyone more.
Fallon was his person.
As Lucas stood tying his tie, he couldn’t wipe off the stupid grin that sat on his face. It had been so long since he had felt completely free. Fallon knew everything and she was still sticking around for the rest of weekend. That had to mean something. Lucas finished tying his tie before looking himself over. He should have shaved but Fallon liked the scruffy look. His hair was a little of a mess but again, Fallon liked it like that. What didn’t look messy was the expensive Italian suit he wore. It was an impeccable black, fitted suit and he looked like a million bucks in it. He paired it with a shiny gray tie, hoping that it brought out his eyes since they were Fallon’s favorite thing about him.