Perfect You

by Elizabeth Scott

really loved the guy, and she just wanted him to love her back."

  "Oh, come on. She just wanted to go to the prom because she'd have been the only ninth grader who went. We even heard her say that in the bathroom before lunch, remember?"

  "No. But it's nice to know you think I'm like that, which I guess means you think I'm using Sam. What exactly am I using him for?"

  "That's not what I meant and you know it." Had talking to her always been this . . .

  frustrating?

  "Whatever. You don't know what it's like for me, okay?" Anna said. "When everyone knows who you are, there's all this pressure and you have to--"

  "Anna, are you really going to lecture me about how hard it is to be beautiful and popular?"

  She was silent for a moment, and then she laughed. "All right, I get it. I just--it's hard with Sam, but I don't want to give him up. I feel special when I'm with him. I am special when I'm with him."

  "You'd be special without him."

  "I wouldn't."

  "Would."

  "Wouldn't," she said, her voice soft. "People still remember who I was, Kate."

  "You make it sound like you were a diseased yak or something."

  I'd hoped she'd laugh, but she just sighed again. "Look, I gotta go watch a movie with Mom. She had a really bad day. Call me tomorrow?" She wanted me to call her? I guess we really were friends again. "Sure. See you tomorrow?"

  "Yeah," she said, and I heard the "but" in her voice before she said it, and felt something shrivel inside me. "But I have to spend time with Sam and Diane and everyone else, okay? And it's--it takes up a lot of time. You understand, right? Please say you do, because I meant what I said this morning. If I didn't know you'd always be there for me, I'd be lost. I really need to know I can always count on you."

  "You can," I said, and we said good-bye.

  The thing was, I did understand what she meant. Anna was being nice when she talked to me at school, acting like Sam, who would sometimes talk to people he didn't have to notice, only she didn't have Sam's lifetime of popularity to fall back on. Sam had always been liked, and until this year Anna was a nobody, and people knew that. Remembered it.

  I hadn't thought about what her life was truly like now because I'd been so busy wondering why it was so easy for her to forget me, but it seemed like her perfect life wasn't perfect at all. I'd thought it was. She'd seemed so happy. Finding out that she wasn't, that she'd gotten the great life and the great guy only to have it be not-so-great was sort of depressing.

  It was also sort of not-depressing. I felt bad for thinking that, but the truth was, I was glad Anna wasn't totally happy.

  I was glad she felt like she needed me.

  Chapter twenty-seven

  Will didn't talk to me the next day. I hadn't realized

  it, but I'd gotten used to talking to him, even if it was only to pretend he was annoying me while I thought stuff like, "I've kissed you! You've kissed me!" But he didn't ask me about homework or butt into any of my conversations, even when the Jennifers were complaining about the PSATs. In fact, when Jennifer M. asked me if I knew how she could do better for the four millionth time and I said, "Bribery," Will still didn't say anything. He didn't even smile.

  I didn't see him at work either. I thought about going to Sports Shack to see if he was working, but what if he was? What was I going to say? "Hi, I know I said I didn't want to go out with you, and I know you only asked because you'd made yourself look like an ass, but the thing is, I kind of miss you?"

  Besides, I didn't miss him. Not exactly, anyway. I missed making out with him. And hearing him talk about work. And how he never made fun of my crappy job, or even my dad. And the way he'd smile at me.

  And the way I always felt like smiling when I was with him.

  It wasn't even a relief to get home because things were so different there now. Mom was always picking up after Dad, trying to keep the house clean for potential buyers, and Todd had turned into someone who smelled like coffee, complained about how much his feet hurt, and wouldn't take phone calls after ten at night.

  "Dad, I really need to get some sleep," he said when we were all sitting in the living room and Dad was trying to talk him into playing a quick round of a video game he'd picked up on his evening coffee run.

  "Come on, one race," Dad said. "You should see all the stuff you can do. I played this level in the store for a while, and it was--"

  "You left Kate alone so you could play video games?" Mom said.

  "Not for long," Dad said. "I don't usually take a dinner break, but I like to get out and see what's going on and--"

  "Buy video games even though we wrote up a budget and you promised to stick to it."

  "This was a one-time thing, Sharon, plus it was on sale." "I just think--" Mom clamped her lips together as Grandma appeared.

  "I thought I heard voices," Grandma said. "Kate, darling, it's good to see you, but you look a little pale. Have you thought about wearing bronzer?" She glanced at Dad, but didn't say anything to him.

  "Mother, Kate looks fine," Mom said. "I thought you were going to sleep."

  "Oh, darling, I was, but then I decided I'd come say hello to my granddaughter. Also, Todd, what on earth was that strange note in the bathroom about?"

  Todd, who'd managed to slump under his blankets while she was talking, lifted his head up. "I wanted you to know that I have to open the store every morning and that it would be great if I could use the shower before you get in there and do whatever it is you do."

  "Darling, you could have just asked me. Besides, it's not like I take a long time in the bathroom."

  "An hour and a half is a long time to some people," Todd muttered.

  "What, darling?"

  "Mother, just let Todd use the bathroom first in the morning," Mom said. "You can share with Kate while she's getting ready for school."

  Great. I could hear Grandma now. "Oh, darling, are you wearing that?" "Oh, darling, is that how you want your hair to look?" "Oh, darling, I used all the hot water, but cold water is so much better for your skin." Shudder. I glared at Mom, who pretended she couldn't see me. Great. Now she was treating me like she did Grandma.

  "Oh, I'll just use your bathroom, darling," Grandma said to Mom, and I swear she winked at me.

  "What?" Mom said, as Dad coughed dramatically the closest to a "no" he could get.

  "You have much better light in there," Grandma said. "Besides, Steve certainly doesn't rush in the morning, and you don't even wear makeup, never mind that there are some marvelous products out there. Tomorrow night, when you get off work, you'll have to let me show you what a little color can do for your face."

  "Sharon has to work tomorrow night," Dad said, and when I looked over at him, surprised that he'd spoken, he was fake grinning at Grandma so hard his face looked like it might crack. "Remember how you refused to help out and she had to get a second job?"

  Todd stuck his head out from under the blankets again long enough to give me a quick, eyebrows-raised glance. Had Dad finally cracked? Would he actually tell Grandma off?

  "Sharon doesn't have to work tomorrow night," Grandma said, and shot my mother a look I couldn't read.

  I guess Dad was able to read it, though, because he said, "Sharon?" and then he and Mom disappeared into their bedroom, their faces tense as they left. Grandma went into the kitchen to get a soda, and I poked Todd in the shoulder. "I want to watch television."

  "Tough. Some of us have to get up and go to real jobs in the morning." "Whatever, Todd. You've had a job for something like two days." I sat down next to him, nudging him so he'd move. "What's going on with Mom and Dad?"

  Todd looked toward the kitchen and then back at me. "Grandma gave Mom some money tonight," he whispered. "Money so she wouldn't have to work. She made Mom swear she wouldn't give it to Dad, and I thought Mom would get mad and tear the check up. But she didn't. She just said Tine,' and took it."

  "She must really hate selling makeup."

  "I guess,"
Todd said. "I think she's mad that Dad isn't more upset about selling the house. Has he said anything to you about it?"

  I shook my head.

  "Me either," Todd said. "It's like none of this is real to him, and I think it's scaring Mom."

  "Who's scaring your mother, darling?" Grandma said, coming back into the living room.

  "No one. I'm just trying to sleep but Kate's bothering me. More than usual, I mean,"

  Todd said, burrowing back under his blankets before I could hit him. Or before Grandma could start talking to him.

  "Well, good night," I said, hoping to get away before she realized I was the only person left to talk to.

  "Darling, let me come take a look at your room," she said, looping her arm through mine and walking us both down the hall. "How is school?"

  "Okay. Lots of homework, which I should probably work on--" "How do you like working at the mall?"

  Wait a minute. Was this going where I thought it might? Was Grandma going to offer to buy me out of my job?

  Oh please, let Grandma offer to buy me out of my job. Please, please, please let her offer. "Working there is hard. I mean, with school and homework and stuff--"

  "Stuff? What kind of stuff?"

  "You know. Regular stuff." I'd assumed mentioning that it was hard to work and go to school would lead to some cash.

  "Regular stuff?"

  Guess I was wrong.

  "Well, I see people from school at work, and it's embarrassing and--" I could see her losing interest because she took Dad being embarrassing for granted. I took a deep breath. "There's a guy. Or was. And I don't want to see him anymore."

  "A boy? Why don't you want to see him?"

  "We were sort of . . . going out," I said. I knew "making out behind the mall" wouldn't work on Grandma. "And now we aren't."

  "Why?"

  "Because . . .just because."

  "That's not much of a reason, darling."

  "I guess I'm not the kind of girl guys want to be with, okay?"

  I waited for Grandma to say something, but she just looked at me for a long moment.

  "I want to tell you something," she finally said, her voice quiet. "You tell yourself that you aren't something or that you can't be something, and you know what? It will become true. You have to decide who you are and what you can do and then go after what you want. Because believe me, no one is going to give it to you."

  "Grandma--"

  She patted my arm. "Think about it, darling, all right? The world will knock you down plenty. You don't need to be doing it to yourself."

  After she left, I called Anna because I didn't want to think about what Grandma had said.

  I just needed to talk to a friend. I needed to talk to my best friend.

  "Hey," she said when she picked up. "Can I call you back in a minute?"

  "Sure," I said, but an hour later, she hadn't called back.

  The phone finally rang when I'd given up waiting and was brushing my teeth before bed, telling myself I was angry and only angry even as my eyes burned with tears. I ran back to my room, hearing Todd yell, "Some of us are trying to sleep!" as I grabbed the phone.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, sorry it took me so long to call you back," Anna said. "Something . . . well, Dad happened. I didn't wake you up, did I?"

  "No," I said, and felt bad for being angry when she'd been stuck dealing with her father.

  "What's going on?"

  "Nothing. He called and left a message about the wedding, and Mom--well, she just can't seem to get over him. I think I hate that more than I hate him. And what if--what if I end up like her one day?"

  "That won't happen. You aren't like your mom or dad. You're you, you know?" "Yeah. I wish I was somebody else, though."

  "Come on, you're great. You look amazing, you're popular--"

  "You think I look okay?"

  "No, I'm just saying that so you'll let me eat lunch with you."

  There was silence after I said that. Really awkward, weird silence.

  "I'm kidding," I said. "We don't even have the same lunch block, remember?"

  "I know," she said, but I could tell she didn't. She didn't know my schedule like I knew hers. That hurt a lot, but her clearly not wanting to eat lunch with me hurt more, and I had to force myself to relax and release my death grip on the phone.

  "How's Sam?" I said, hoping that changing the subject would make things better.

  It turned out Sam had spent the afternoon hanging out with Tara after he'd given her a ride home from school.

  "What do you think that means?" Anna asked.

  I had a feeling now wasn't the time to say exactly what I thought about Sam. "What do you think it means?"

  "He hooked up with her."

  "Maybe you should say something to him, then."

  "Like some sort of jealous girlfriend? I already told you how he is about that." She sounded pissed.

  "I know. But--well, don't you think you deserve better?"

  "Who's better than Sam? He's the guy everyone wants to be with."

  "I don't want him."

  "You know what I mean. People who stand a chance with him." I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it. Had she just said what I thought she did?

  "Kate?" Her voice was faint. "Kate, are you there? I didn't mean it like it sounded, I swear.

  Kate?"

  "I'm here," I said, my voice tight.

  "Don't be mad at me, okay? Tonight with Mom was . . it was bad, Kate, plus there's all the Sam stuff. Everything's really hard for me right now,"

  "I know, but why did you say what you did?"

  "Because I'm an idiot."

  "Anna--"

  "I am. Thoughtless, too. Forgive me?" She sounded so sad. Worried, even. And over me.

  "Yeah, of course," I said, mostly meaning it, and totally meaning it when she said, "Thank you, Kate. You always make me feel better. You're a real friend, you know. The best."

  "Really?" I said, overwhelmed. She'd just said I was her best friend again!

  "Yep."

  I took a deep breath. She'd just said what I'd been dying to hear, and I. . . well, now I could ask her this. "Look, about Sam-- has he . . . did he say anything about what happened at the party? With Will and me, I mean?"

  "No. Well, he knew what happened, of course, because Jennifer actually came running up to him and said he had to be the first to know." She laughed. "If she tried any harder, I swear she'd explode. It's pathetic what girls will do to try and get Sam to notice them." "But Will didn't say anything?" I didn't know if that was good or bad.

  "No, but you know how Will is, Kate. His whole life is basically random hookups. So why would he mention it, you know?"

  I felt my heart sink. Bad. Definitely bad.

  "And besides," Anna said, "Sam says all Will ever talks about is that business thing their mothers are doing. It drives him crazy. Oh, that's him on the other line. I gotta go, okay?"

  "Sure," I said, but she was already gone.

  Chapter twenty-eight

  I thought about what Anna had said all through school, and was pretty depressed by the time it was over, especially since Will hadn't spoken to me again. I'd told myself over and over that I'd known exactly what Will and I were, not a couple, not anything, but realizing I truly was just another hookup hurt more than I thought it would. Or wanted it to.

  At work, I ended up alone for most of the afternoon because Dad had decided to target the department store again.

  "Weren't you banned from there?"

  "Not exactly," Dad said, pulling on his carrot hat. "And I know most of the security guards, and we get along fine."

  I looked at the counter so he couldn't see my face. Of course he got along with the security guards. He was always buying them coffee. And while it was nice he did that, it hadn't helped our money situation. Or resulted in any sales.

  "I'll be back in half an hour, tops," he said, and I settled back into the chair by the cash register with a sigh.<
br />
  Half an hour turned into two. I got a lot of homework done, as I'd stopped pretending we were going to have customers and focused on getting through my biology homework. I didn't think I'd failed the last test, but I knew I had to do better on the next one.

  Thinking about biology class made me think about Will. I wondered how he'd done on the test, and if he was at work. Then I told myself to stop thinking about him.

  It didn't work.

  I put my homework away and watched people walk by. It was amazing how many of them were able to pretend our booth didn't exist, like they could sense all the unsold vitamins and somehow knew to stay away. An older woman who actually looked like a grandmother, white-haired and sweet-faced, walked by and politely asked if I knew where the discount shoe store was, then thanked me when I told her. I couldn't imagine my grandmother saying the words discount and shoe in the same sentence, much less looking like an actual grandmother.

  I straightened a display that didn't need to be fixed while I thought about what Grandma had said last night, about how I had to decide who I was and what I could do.

  It sounded like pretty good advice, I guess, but being me sure hadn't paid off so far.

  I flicked a finger at the pyramid of vitamins and sighed. "This sucks. I suck." "No, you're just annoying."

  I looked up and saw Todd smirking at me. "What are you doing here? Wait, let me guess

  . . . you need money. Well, you can forget it, because Dad isn't here and I'm not giving you anything out of the register."

  "Nice. I come by to say hi to my little sister and my father after selling gallons of coffee to people who apparently have no idea what a tip jar is, and this is what I get?"

  "Yep."

  "You really do sound like Grandma sometimes."

  "Shut up!"

  He grinned. "Where's Dad?"

  "Down by the department store."

  "Free samples?"

  "Yeah. You gonna go see him?"

  "Is he wearing the hat?"

  "What do you think?"

  Todd made a face. "Hey, did I get any calls?"

  "What, here?"

  "Yeah, here."

  "No."

  "You sure?"

  "Yes, Todd, I'm sure no one called to request the honor of your craptastic, I mean fantabulous, presence."