Hunting BLind: It's Every Family's Deepest Fear

by Richardson, Paddy

  ‘Why did you do that? When you were so sure she wasn’t right?’

  ‘She was young. Young and good-looking. Nice body. The first night she moved in I was in bed with her.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I’m not proud of it. But Kathy had been sick a long time and in the months before she died it was as if the illness had taken us over. I was sleeping in the spare bedroom. We had a hospital bed set up for her in our room and there were nurses in and out, all these drugs on the cabinet. I’d sit beside her at nights listening to her try to breathe. It was terrible for her. Terrible for me. This woman, Patsy. I thought I deserved her. A strong, healthy woman. Jesus.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘She wasn’t good with Rosie. Not good at all. Nice enough when I was around but there were things not done. Rosie looked, well, she looked wrong. I’m a bloke but even I could see she never had her hair tied up properly, didn’t get bathed enough. Then she started wetting the bed. She’d got through Kathy’s illness without anything like that happening and here she was wetting the bed.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘Nothing. That’s the shame of it. I kept hoping things would get better and making excuses. Rosie wasn’t used to Patsy, she was missing her mum, she’d been through a lot, what she looked like didn’t matter all that much, that kind of crap. I imagined myself to be in love with Patsy. I was totally fucking deluded.’

  ‘But in the end she left?’

  ‘I threw her out. Found out she was playing away from home, as they say.’

  ‘And you’ve decided you won’t get involved with anyone again because of that? Seems a fairly harsh punishment to give yourself.’

  ‘It was because of Rosie. Something happened, something bad, and after that I promised myself from then on she had to come first. No fucking about. I was heading out for a night away and I had this feeling something was wrong and this time I took notice of it, thank Christ. What I found was Rosie out on the driveway, wandering about in the dark. Patsy was in bed out to it. Naked and pissed.’

  ‘Someone was with her?’

  ‘No. Either he’d gone or she’d come back from wherever she’d been. Christ, anything could’ve happened to Rosie out there. You know what that drive’s like. She could have fallen. I could’ve run her down.’

  ‘What could have made her go out there?’

  ‘What I think happened was Rosie went looking for me or Patsy and no one was there so she went outside to find us. Anyway, she was hysterical, screaming about some man coming for her.’

  She turns and stares at him. ‘A man?’

  ‘She must have had a nightmare.’

  PART THREE

  34.

  Wanaka

  Coming home. The scattering of orchards on the side of the road just outside Cromwell, the land drifting dry and golden, rising up to mauve-blue hills.

  He’d slept solidly through that night but she’d woken. The fire had burned down and it was cold in the hut. She shifted close up against him underneath the sleeping bags they’d spread to cover themselves.

  Anything could’ve happened to her. She could have fallen. I could have run into her. Rosie went looking for me or Patsy and no one was there. Screaming some man was coming for her.

  A nightmare?

  What if there was a man there that night? What if it was Ed Black carrying that sleeping child?

  There’s the noise from the truck, the sudden beam of lights, she starts to scream, he drops her and runs.

  She can’t place him at Kaikoura at that particular time, though she knows he was there at some point. She finally tracked down a teacher at the Sport’s Academy who’d been there when it opened. Jack Taylor. He was in Christchurch now, teaching Phys Ed in a secondary school.

  She gave him the spiel. School reunion. Trying to locate Edward Black.

  ‘Who did you say you were?’

  ‘St— Stevie Anderson. I’m on the committee. I’ve been given this terrible job trying to track down past teachers.’

  ‘Are you advertising on the internet?’

  ‘We’re going to. Once someone else on this committee gets themselves organised.’

  ‘Administration problems, eh?’

  ‘You could say that.’

  ‘How did you find me?’

  ‘Your name was on the website.’

  ‘Thought that had closed down. I had a bit to do with Ted Black. He wasn’t there all that long. Guess he saw the writing on the wall before the rest of us did. Got out before it all went under.’

  ‘Can you remember when he left?’

  ‘I really can’t say. Early on. In the second, maybe third year it was running, I think. I hardly knew him.’

  ‘You don’t know where he went after that?’

  ‘Can’t help you with that. You’re pretty keen to find out about him, aren’t you? Sure you’re not some past girlfriend? Ted had a rep. Bit of a ladies’ man from all accounts.’

  ‘Thanks for your time.’

  The road is so familiar she anticipates each curve, each stretch before she reaches it. The deep blues of hills and sky, the hot pink lupins. The dry warmth enfolding her.

  ‘Dad?’

  ‘Stephanie? Where are you?’

  ‘I’ve been up the West Coast and now I’m in Kaikoura. I thought I’d spend a bit of time in Wanaka. That’s if you and Esther—’

  She heard the sudden pleasure in his voice. ‘Stay as long as you like. You’re always welcome. You know that.’

  Past the airport, the maze, more traffic now, speeding up and passing. And there it is, this wondrously blue stretch of water stippled by light. She feels the prick of tears behind her eyes, shakes her head. Keep driving.

  Keep driving past the new buildings rising up everywhere. She winces as she looks across at bars and offices and apartments where there’d been stretches of green. New houses everywhere. New opulent houses and shops. There’s a string of campervans parked along the lakefront. What did they used to say? We don’t want another Queenstown. Well, they’ve got it now.

  The little playground beside the lake’s still there.

  Push me, Stephie?

  Eyes shining, hair streaming out behind her.

  She turns into the car park. Watches the kids on the swings and slides for a while then turns and heads down towards the water. There’s a wind coming up and she feels the stones thick and coarse beneath her feet.

  She walks along the jetty feeling it judder beneath her. Jonny, Liam, Stephanie. Egging each other on you first, you first. Standing there at the edge in the sun feeling the boards under your bare feet, your heart beating, your body tensed. Leaping out. That first shock of frigid water which takes your breath away.

  Hold out your arms. And feel that small, solid body hurtle against you. Breathe in that Gemma-smell of soap and sunshine. Hold her tight so she won’t go under.

  Dave and Esther have a new place. Dave’s back in real estate. Had a good year. A very good year. The house is a street away from where they used to live before Minna left terracotta tiles on the drive, red garage door. You can’t miss it. She parks outside and looks up. The house spreads itself over two sections, shiny plaster walls, curved windows. There’s the kind of huge black iron gate you’d expect outside a Spanish hacienda. In her head she hears Minna’s voice so tasteful. Grins despite herself.

  Then Greg is there, running towards her, taller even than she is. He’s lifting her, swinging her round. Dave behind him beaming. Esther smiling, slightly wary. Stephanie smiles and hugs her this time I’ll get closer to Esther, get alongside, she makes Dave happy and that’s what’s important.

  They take her on a tour of the house double glazing, under-floor heating, excellent in the winter you know how cold it gets here, tiles from Italy, en suites, just look at the size of this kitchen, Stephanie, after that cramped wee box at the last place. There’s the gleaming pool, the barbecue we’re thinking of putting in a hot tub on the deck. They’re all so obviously happy and pleased with the
mselves and their house. She feels a deep pang of hurt they’ve moved on without you.

  Esther glances at her. ‘You’re looking tired, Stephanie. It must have been a long trip.’

  ‘I drove all the way from Kaikoura today.’

  ‘You’ll be exhausted. Would you like to have a shower and a rest before dinner?’

  ‘I would. Thanks.’

  Greg’s heading towards the pool. ‘Aren’t you going to have a swim with me?’

  ‘Later,’ she smiles at him.

  ‘Leave your sister alone,’ Dave says. ‘Give her a chance to settle down. Come on, Stephanie, let’s get you sorted.’

  She’s showered, wrapped in a towel and lying on a bed which is covered by a crisp, spotlessly clean grey and white striped duvet. The sheets are thick cotton and the four pillows beautifully plump. She has her own bathroom and a floor-length window from which she can view the lake. She smells meat roasting, hears the murmur of Dave talking to Esther, Greg on the phone.

  Everyone’s happy now, everyone’s moved on. How could you bring up all that misery when you could so easily be wrong?

  She closes her eyes let it go, Steph.

  Dave’s tapping on her door, looking in and grinning. ‘You want dinner tonight?’

  She’s been asleep, she has no idea of how long for, and she sits up, dazed. ‘Oh. Oh yes, sorry.’

  ‘No need to be sorry. You’ve had a long day.’

  She dresses, walks down the stairs into the living room. Esther hands her a wine glass. ‘Bubbly tonight. We’re so pleased you’re here. You should have seen Dave’s face when he got off the phone. He’s taken time off so we can take you around. We thought we’d do the vineyard trail tomorrow or the day after.’

  ‘That sounds great.’

  Dave fills the glasses then holds up his own. ‘Here’s to you, Stephanie.’

  Esther’s worked hard to create the meal. The table is impeccably set, white china on olive green tablemats. There’s melon and ginger, roast beef with an array of vegetables and tiny individual Yorkshire puddings. Raspberry soufflé to finish.

  Dave keeps looking at Stephanie’s plate, urging her to eat. ‘You’re a bit thin on it, my girl.’

  ‘I’ve been doing a lot of walking. I went out hunting as well.’

  ‘You what?’ Dave bursts out laughing.

  ‘Just a touristy thing. I thought I’d have a go.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound like you. You didn’t shoot anything, did you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I can’t imagine you even holding a rifle. Can you see your sister shooting at anything, Greg?’

  ‘She used to get fairly wild with me.’ He’s grinning at her.

  ‘Remember when Joe used to come around with that shotgun, Stephanie? Couldn’t see you for dust.’ He shakes his head. ‘Hunting. Huh.’

  ‘I enjoyed it. I had fun.’ Her voice is faintly defensive.

  ‘Plenty of hunting round here. You borrow my rifle whenever you like. We’re all partial to a bit of venison, eh Greg?’

  ‘He’s teasing, Stephanie. Don’t take any notice of him,’ Esther says.

  ‘I hear there’s an Outdoors Education place opened up here.’ She keeps her voice steady.

  ‘Yeah. Opened a few months ago. How did you hear about that?’

  ‘Saw it in the newspaper.’

  ‘Doing quite well from what I hear. Big place just out of town.’

  ‘What type of student does it attract?’

  ‘Mainly from overseas. A lot of rich Japanese kids wanting to snowboard from what I hear.’

  ‘What do they do in the summer?’

  ‘Wind-surfing, kayaking, that sort of thing. They teach English there as well and that obviously happens all through the year. It’s been a bit of a boost for the community. Quite a few of the students are in homestays and that’s brought a bit of money into the place. They’ve got a few activities going for the local kids as well.’

  ‘What sort of activities?’

  ‘Snow sports. Water sports. I saw some of the instructors down at the lake last Thursday teaching little kids how to kayak. Looked like fun. Come to think of it, Stephanie, a bit of local news for you.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I ran into one of your old teachers down there. Remember Ed Black? Used to come over to our place way back? I had a chat with him. Told him all about you, how well you’re doing. He said you were a bright kid, always knew you’d be a success. Nice guy. Good with those kids. Look out for him while you’re here. He’d like to see you.’

  35.

  For a moment, when she wakes it’s as if she’s back in her own bedroom, the sun drifting in as it did on long ago summer mornings, the curtains open, the lake gleaming beyond her window. There’s the snarl of motor boats already out and white flickers of sails, the cries of kids from the next door house. It’s a perfect day.

  It’s a perfect day and she wants to pack up her car and drive. Back to Kaikoura. Back to Dan. To get up out of this perfectly coordinated bed in this perfectly coordinated room, make her excuses and run. She leans back against the pillows.

  That last night with Dan. At the house. He cooked a barbecue. She made a salad. He told Rosie stories of their hunting expedition, teasing stories all this woman wanted to do was lie about in the sun and leave me to do all the work. Rosie asked Stephanie to take her to bed, tuck her in. They read a book together. Before Stephanie turned out the light, Rosie crooked thin, agile arms around her and squeezed.

  They waited until they were sure she was asleep. They crept down the passage into his bed and made love.

  ‘Why do you have to leave?’

  ‘There’s things I have to do.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘For one thing, visit my father and brother.’

  He hauled himself on top of her, pinned her down, pressed his face close to her neck. ‘Tell them you can’t come. Tell them you’ve got yourself hitched up with a wild man who won’t let you go.’

  ‘I owe them this visit.’

  ‘Why do you owe them?’

  ‘All sorts of reasons.’

  And she does owe this visit to Dave and Greg. Especially Dave. She always understood how it hurt him that she never came back but he was uncomplaining, never demanded anything. Drove down to the city to visit when he could, gave her money whenever he was able. She left him here alone to face it. Bringing up the boys on his own. Grieving for the family they used to be.

  It’s payback time. She can’t run away. Nor can she bring all that uncertainty and anguish back to the surface. Not without good reason. So. No revelations, no questions. She’ll find out what she can but keep it quiet. She’ll do the wine trails, swim with Greg, do whatever she can to make up for her carelessness and disregard.

  She puts on a wrap, goes downstairs. Esther’s in the kitchen.

  ‘Coffee? You’re looking much better. Did you sleep well? Is the bed comfortable?’

  ‘Perfect.’

  She takes coffee, wanders through the living room, the dining room, the family room. There are photographs everywhere. Dave and Esther, Stephanie, Jonny, Liam, Greg, people she doesn’t recognise. Esther comes and stands beside her as she looks at a framed photograph. Dad, Esther, a young woman and Greg. Grinning, wrapped up in parkas.

  ‘Nice photograph. Where was it taken?’

  ‘Coronet Peak. Lucy was over during the winter and we had a few days skiing.’

  ‘Lucy?’

  ‘My daughter. She’s working in France right now.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I don’t even know your children.’

  ‘There’s no need to apologise, Stephanie. You just haven’t had the opportunity to get to know them, that’s all. Did you see the photograph of Gemma?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It’s right here.’

  She leads her back into the dining room and it’s there on the wall above the table: a large, framed black and white print.

  Gemma’s looking upward into the camera, grave
and questioning. She’s wearing the dress with elephants around the hem. Her hair and eyes shine, her skin is flawless, her cheekbones stand out strong and finely etched. She appears older, perhaps because of the seriousness of her expression. You see in her face the young woman she should have become.

  ‘Beautiful, isn’t it?’

  ‘Where did you get that photograph? I don’t think I’ve ever seen it.’

  ‘It was part of a family group portrait. It’s amazing what you can do now with old photographs. I got them to take her out, then had the image blown up and framed. It was a gift for Dave. I had it done when we bought the house.’

  Stephanie turns away, blinking back tears, hurt catching in her throat.

  ‘Oh Stephanie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘It’s okay. Really.’

  ‘She was a lovely-looking girl wasn’t she? It was a terrible thing for you all to go through.’

  ‘Sometimes I get angry because I think everyone’s moved on with their lives and forgotten her. But I’m just as bad. I sat near that portrait all through dinner last night without even realising it was her.’

  ‘She isn’t forgotten. I truly believe there’s hardly a day that goes by where Dave doesn’t think about her.’

  ‘She should be here.’

  ‘Of course she should.’

  She should stop this. Turn the conversation to something else. Shit, here she is doing exactly what she had undertaken not to do. But she can’t hold back.

  ‘Does he ever talk about what happened? Minna and Dave, well, they always told us Gemma must have somehow slipped into the lake and drowned. Do you, do you know if he believes that’s what happened?’

  ‘I think he prefers not to think about it.’

  ‘But what if. What if someone found out that’s not what happened? If, if she, her body, was found? If somebody took her there’s much more possibility now of finding out who it was through forensics and DNA testing, things like that.’

  ‘I think if your Dad knew for sure that Gemma had been taken by someone it would be almost too painful for him to bear.’