Surprised, he smiled at her and put his own hand briefly over hers. ‘Yes, I’m fine. Just a bit tired. It’s been a busy week. I’m glad these classes are over.’
‘I’ll miss them,’ Tia said. ‘I liked being out with you.’
He gave an uncertain laugh. ‘Well, we have the next ultrasound appointment in a couple of weeks to look forward to.’
The days fell into an uneasy routine. Every evening, he picked up the prosthetic bump that Ellie dropped on the hall floor and brought it to their room, placing it in her wardrobe so she couldn’t miss it and every morning he watched his fake pregnant wife studiously avoid his pregnant sister-in-law before rushing out the door to work.
The pain in Ellie’s eyes most days made him squirm; so, he found himself looking to Tia’s promise-filled bump for solace when Ellie was out of the room or otherwise occupied and wouldn’t notice. So many pitfalls to avoid, they danced around each other trying not to trip up. Tia was the only person who seemed unfazed by it all.
Pregnancy suited her. She looked well; glowing in fact.
Taking a sly look at her bump when Ellie was making dinner one night, he looked up to catch Tia watching him, a strange expression on her face. He remembered what Ellie had said, more than once, about Tia staring at her. Was this what she meant? Because there was something odd about her expression. Not that it was serious, which in itself was unusual, but it was hard and – what had Ellie called it? – calculating.
And then it was gone and Will shook his head. He was getting as bad as Ellie, seeing things that weren’t there. ‘You feeling okay?’ he asked Tia, quietly.
Her pleasant smile in reply was as it always was. Shaking his head at his silly fantasy, he left her to join Ellie who was pottering about in the kitchen.
‘How about we go out for dinner tomorrow night?’ he said, putting his hands around her waist, pulling her back into his arms.
He felt her go rigid before she turned and glared at him. ‘Go for a meal wearing my fake bump in case we meet anyone we know? I don’t think so.’ She pulled away from him and left the room, the slam of the door telling him he’d got it wrong yet again.
He shook his head, feeling like a swarm of wasps was buzzing about over his head.
The day of the ultrasound arrived. It was at midday, so once again Ellie had to take a day off work to sit at home. She stayed curled up in bed with a book and was still there that evening when they returned home.
‘It went okay,’ he said, sitting on the bed beside her. ‘And that’s it with appointments now, as long as everything goes according to plan.’ He waited a moment, seeing her eyes reading his face. She knew immediately he had more to share. ‘It’s a boy,’ he said, as if he’d just been told the news that day.
He saw her eyes go bleak, felt his own eyes water. A son. But not their son.
Reaching for her, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. ‘It’s all going to be okay,’ he whispered into her hair. ‘We love each other, that’s enough to get us through this.’
He felt her tremble and then heard her whisper, her breath warm on his cheek. ‘You’re getting just what you’ve always wanted.’
She was right. But the expression Be careful what you ask for slipped into his head and sent a shiver down his spine.
32
Ellie was a fake, a fraud and the pain of it all, the lies and secrets, the whole charade, was taking its toll. At work, she began to notice the sideways glances, the concerned stares, the conversations that stopped when she entered a room.
‘Are you sure you’re not overdoing things,’ the CEO, Alex, asked one afternoon, popping into her office unexpectedly. ‘You can take maternity leave sooner if you wish.’
Tough at work, it was even tougher at home. Take early maternity leave? Stay at home and watch Tia blooming? Try not to see Will glancing at her bump when he thought his wife wasn’t looking? She couldn’t face it. ‘I’m fine,’ she said.’
She told Will what Alex had said that evening over dinner and saw his eyes darken with concern.
‘You do look pale,’ he said. ‘I didn’t think—’
‘What?’ she interrupted him. ‘You didn’t think it would be so hard to play make-believe for weeks, months on end? That the constant lies wouldn’t take their toll?’
Tia chose that moment to stand. She looked at them both for a few seconds before she took her plate, put it in the dishwasher and went to sit on the sofa. All without a word spoken.
The blare of the TV shattered the uneasy silence, bringing Ellie’s attention back to Will. She ran a hand over her face, feeling weary. ‘Do you know,’ she said sadly, ‘I had thought that because Tia has hardly put on any weight apart from her bump that we still looked identical. Then, this morning, I saw my reflection and realised we didn’t any more. I look like her frailer, older sister.’
‘You’re being ridiculous,’ Will said. When she shook her head, he reached for her hand. ‘You’re just tired. I know how hard this is for you.’
Ellie looked at him. He didn’t. He had no idea of the intense feeling of worthlessness that came over her in waves as she watched Tia blooming in her pregnancy, swelling with his son, looking so damn pleased with herself.
She began to count down the weeks to the due date in February.
Christmas was a nightmare, all of them trapped in the suddenly too-small house, trying to avoid one another. She insisted, more than once, that Will took Tia out in the car for a drive.
‘For God’s sake,’ she said, ‘she’s been shut in here for weeks on end, at least you and I get out. ‘Take her to a park where you won’t meet anyone we know.’
There were numerous invitations to festive parties, both for Christmas and the New Year. She insisted they turn down every single one. ‘I can’t,’ she said firmly. ‘I just can’t go to our friends’ homes wearing that thing and pretend to be happily pregnant. Lie. To our friends.’ She shook her head. ‘I won’t do it.’
‘I’ll tell them you aren’t feeling up to socialising,’ he said, ‘they’ll understand.
She snorted. ‘I’m sure they wouldn’t,’ she said, and left him to it.
The days after Christmas dragged, the weather wet and bitterly cold. Ellie bundled herself up and headed to work.
‘You need to be careful,’ one of her colleagues said, eyeing her court shoes with wary eyes. ‘It’s icy on some of the paths. Should you be wearing heels?’
Ellie bit her tongue on the mind your own business she wanted to say. She’d learned that people saw her pregnant state as the right to give unwanted advice and smiled instead. ‘I’m fine,’ she said.
‘Every blasted person I meet has a comment to make,’ she said to Will that evening. She frowned. ‘You know, maybe I will take maternity leave earlier than I’d planned.’
The next day she went to see the CEO. ‘I was thinking I might take maternity leave soon,’ she said.
Alex Gilmartin nodded so emphatically it brought an amused smile to Ellie’s face. ‘Yes, of course,’ he said, ‘we are quite concerned about you, you know? Finish today, go home and rest up. Keep us updated with the news.’
Ellie blinked. She’d been about to say she’d go in two or three weeks but then she shrugged. Why not immediately? She’d get away from the constant, unwelcome scrutiny.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘That’s very kind of you. If you’re sure?’
Ten minutes later, she was heading to the tube station, a spring in her step despite the cold. She hadn’t realised until that moment how exhausting it was to live the lie every day. And if the pain of facing the truth at home was the alternative, so be it.
She tried to avoid Tia by staying in her bedroom reading until late morning and then watching television or using her laptop in the sitting room during the afternoon. Only when she needed coffee or something to eat did she go to the kitchen, and then it would be in and out as quickly as possible with a quick flick of her eyes to check where Tia was.
It
was in the evenings that things became difficult. She wanted to suggest that she and Will have their meals in the sitting room, leaving Tia to have hers watching TV, but she couldn’t bring herself to say something so divisive, so downright mean.
But then things came to a head. She was making dinner when Will came home one evening. He stopped to give her a kiss before his attention was claimed by a news item on the television.
She put the tray into the oven and set the temperature. Suddenly, she was conscious of the hairs on her neck standing on end and turned abruptly, biting her lip to stop the groan of distress escaping at the sight of Will with his hand resting on Tia’s bump, a look of rapture on his face.
And then her eyes locked on her sister’s as Tia stared at her over Will’s shoulder, an intense look of satisfaction on her face.
Ellie took a deep breath and walked to join them. ‘Is the baby kicking,’ she asked, pushing Will’s hand out of the way, laying her own, fingers splayed, over the tense dome. She felt it then, a definite kick and was unable to stop a look of wonder creeping into her eyes. Looking at Tia’s face, suddenly wanting to say something enthusiastic and encouraging, her mouth shut with a snap when she met her sister’s cold, hard eyes.
From that night on, Ellie ate her dinner in the sitting room. Will wasn’t happy, arguing it was better to eat together, but since Tia showed a distinct preference to eat in front of the TV, she ignored him and set his dinner on a tray to bring through.
Over breakfast, one morning in late January, Will mentioned redecorating one of the spare bedrooms as a nursery. ‘We could paper the walls and buy a cot, plus we need to get a pram or whatever they call them these days and all the other paraphernalia that a baby needs.’
Ellie looked at him with one eyebrow raised. ‘Do you want to go shopping with your pregnant sister-in-law while I hide at home, or shop with me and my pregnancy prosthesis while the mother of your baby stays at home?’ She ignored the flash of pain that crossed his face. ‘Either way is impossible,’ she said. ‘Just leave it to me.’
What she didn’t tell him, what she couldn’t tell him because it hurt too much, was that she’d already planned the nursery. A year before. She’d spent hours poring over various sites on the internet, a smile curving her lips as she chose item after item for their child. Their child. The memory brought quick tears to her eyes. She’d planned it all as a surprise for Will. A surprise. Imagining them decorating the room together. Making plans as they painted, papered, laughed and dreamed. But that was before she got the news that she’d never be able to bear a child.
She sat in the sitting room with her laptop and, with a few clicks on her keyboard, brought all the saved items up. The beautiful handmade cot. The brightly coloured furniture to store all the baby stuff. The delightful wallpaper. A comfortable chair where she could sit to breastfeed. Her gulp was loud. Where Tia could sit to breastfeed.
Her fingers hovered over the keys for a moment before clicking to purchase all.
She paid extra to have it delivered the next day so when the doorbell rang late morning she knew why. ‘Can you come and help me,’ she said to Tia who was sitting reading a magazine. Seeing the reluctant look on her face, she added, persuasively, ‘It’s something nice, honest.’
The delivery men obligingly brought the heavier of the boxes up to the room they’d designated as the nursery. Leaving Tia to start opening them, Ellie went downstairs to fetch the stepladder they kept in the garden shed.
When she returned with it, she was surprised to see Tia had most of the boxes open and was in the middle of removing the wrapping from the chest of drawers, her eyes wide with pleasure.
‘You like it?’
Tia, opening and closing drawers that had animal figures for handles, turned and grinned. ‘For the baby?’
Ellie bit her lip. For the baby. Not her baby, never her baby. She swallowed the pain that seemed to have lodged in her throat and forced her lips to curve in a smile. ‘And this too,’ she said, holding up a roll of wallpaper. ‘If you help me, we could get this done before Will gets home and surprise him.’
Tia nodded and then frowned. ‘Do you know how?’
Ellie had never wallpapered in her life but how difficult could it be? The paper was self-adhesive and, according to the internet, easy to apply. ‘Of course,’ she said, unrolling the first roll.
Luckily, she’d ordered a spare roll because easy wasn’t a word she’d have used to describe the process. It took almost three hours, and a lot of swearing, to get the small room papered but when it was done the two women stood back and grinned.
‘I like those,’ Tia said, pointing to the fat cartoon rabbits along the bottom.
Ellie had chosen well. Above the rabbits, large cuddly bees buzzed around big white daisies and, higher still, fluffy yellow birds flew in and out of cotton wool clouds. It was absolutely, delightfully charming.
‘I like it all,’ Ellie said, her smile fading. She’d loved the paper the first time she saw it, a lifetime ago. She sighed loudly, drawing Tia’s eyes to her. Ignoring her gaze, she said, ‘You’d better go and rest now, I’ll manage the rest.’
It took her another couple of hours to get the furniture unpacked, all the baby clothes, creams, lotions and potions put into the drawers and the room organised. The cot was as beautiful as she expected. Standing over it, she stared and then blinked to stop the tears forming, wrapping her arms tightly around her waist. Swaddled. The word leapt into her head. She looked down at the cot and imagined the baby lying there. Will’s baby.
She was still there when Will came home. She heard his footsteps going into the kitchen, the low murmur of voices as he spoke to Tia and then the sound of his feet on the stairs.
‘Ellie?’ he called.
‘In here,’ she said, her voice thick with tears. She heard his gasp when he came in and saw what she’d done, felt his arms around her, resting back against him for a moment before she gave way to the tears she’d been holding. She turned in his arms and cried for the mother she’d never be, and for the baby that wasn’t hers.
33
One day before Tia’s due date, Will and Ellie were reading the papers in the sitting room when the door opened and Tia stood in the doorway. ‘I’ve got a pain,’ she said, rubbing her belly, her face slick with sweat.
Both of them jumped up. Will rushed to Tia’s side, putting an arm around her waist and leading her to the couch. ‘Sit down,’ he urged.
Ellie hovered. ‘How often are the pains coming?’
‘It hurts,’ Tia said, gritting her teeth, a groan escaping, a low plaintive wail that went on and on.
Will looked up at Ellie helplessly.
‘We need to know how often they’re coming and when they started,’ she said. ‘If they’re not too close, you’ll be okay, I think, to drive her in.’
Tia’s wails increased in volume and then stopped abruptly. Both Will and Ellie leaned toward her, surprised.
‘Tia?’ Will said gently.
‘I’m wet,’ she said.
Ellie looked at the growing stain on the front of her pyjamas with startled eyes. ‘Bloody hell,’ she said, ‘her waters have broken.’
Tia looked at her blankly.
Ellie asked her again, ‘How often are the pains coming, Tia?’
‘It doesn’t matter now, Ellie, she’s in labour,’ Will said, his voice tight with anxiety. ‘Ring an ambulance.’
They arrived almost thirty minutes later. Minutes where Ellie paced the floor as Will mopped Tia’s brow. When they heard the sound of sirens in the distance, he looked at Ellie. ‘You’d better go upstairs and out of the way.’
She stopped pacing. ‘What?’ she said, frowning.
‘They can’t see you,’ he said, reaching a hand towards her to pull her close for a moment before, with sad eyes, he pushed her away. ‘We can’t risk it, Ellie. I’ll go with her and ring you as soon as I have any news.’
Ellie said nothing. She wanted to wish Tia good luck, wante
d to wish her well, but she couldn’t. Instead, she nodded to Will and left the room, climbing the stairs with leaden feet to stand on the landing until the ambulance pulled up outside. Afraid they might glance upward and see her, she moved further back and finally, with a shake of her head, went into their bedroom.
Sitting on the bed, one hand gripped the other as she listened to the sounds that filtered up from below. She strained to hear what they said, wanting to know, to be a part of whatever was happening but all she could hear were the deep calm voices of the two ambulance men and Tia’s high-pitched cry followed each time by Will’s anxious voice. But she couldn’t make out what they said.
It didn’t matter. None of the words were for her.
She lay on her bed, ignoring the tears that trickled sideways into her hair and imagined what was happening. The fuss over the pregnant Tia, the professional concern in the ambulance crew’s eyes, the anxious look in Will’s as he took everything in.
She laid her hand over her eyes, shutting out the light, listening as the voices became louder as they moved from the sitting room. She could hear the trundle of wheels on the wooden floor of the hallway and imagined Tia’s swollen body lying on a gurney. She wondered if Will was holding her hand, staying in character. She knew how scared Tia would be, so she bit her lip and hoped he was.
There was more noise, rattling and louder voices as they negotiated the steps from the front door and then the bang as the front door was shut. Triple-glazed windows meant she heard almost nothing from outside. She could have gone to the window and peered around the edges of the curtains like some sad peeping Tom, but she didn’t, she lay and waited until she heard the muffled but distinct sound of an engine.
Finally, it was quiet. But only for a moment before Ellie’s tears broke, loud and heart-rending to fill the house with sound once again. She curled on her side as she sobbed until the tears ran out and she was exhausted. It wouldn’t be silent in this house again for a long time. Everything would change as the baby filled the house with cries, gurgles and laughter. She uncurled, lay back and stared at the ceiling. Will would have the baby he wanted.
Secrets Between Us Page 16