I Am a Conservative

by Kurt Schlichter

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  I am a Conservative: The government that governs best is stunted, starved, restricted, and mocked mercilessly by its citizen-masters!

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  I am a Conservative: Maybe if the government only did what the Constitution enumerates we would not have a deficit. Or so many morons.

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  I am a Conservative: End the entitlement crisis by ending entitlements.

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  I am a Conservative: End all government "job training" programs. All of them. Now. They do more harm than good.

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  I am a Conservative: They can't secure our borders but they ask us to trust them to secure the future? Uh, no.

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  I am a Conservative: How about we end welfare, Medi-Care, Medicaid, and Social Security and let people take care of themselves?

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  I am a Conservative: Democrats hate the idea of criminals being frightened, as opposed to normal people. #Caring #Guns

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  I am a Conservative: Happiness is reading about government workers being laid off.

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  I am a Conservative: The whining of politicians about having no money warms my heart and makes me smile.

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  I am a Conservative: Here's my solution to the illegal alien problem — seal the border, ship them home, and stop subsidizing them.

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  I am a Conservative: No one in the government knows more about what I want and need than I do. Butt out, fascists.

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  I am a Conservative: A Supreme Court justice who says that maybe Koran burning is not protected by the 1st Amendment should be impeached.

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  I am a Conservative: I support "amnesty" — if we change the definition of "amnesty" to mean "sending them all back home."

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  I am a Conservative: Perhaps the question should be, "What does the Constitution say government can do?" and then we cut everything not included in the answer.

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  I am a Conservative: The only government safety net I believe in is the Community Gruel Pot — and I think that's too generous.

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  I am a Conservative: If we get Congress, ignore the Democrats. I want to see cuts to government until the GOP's whiners cry!

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  I am a Conservative: If it ain't the Army, or the Border Patrol, Customs, or the federal courts, it's probably cutable. #CutItAll

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  I am a Conservative: Wait, retire on Social Security at 62? Sorry, bub, Social Security is not supposed to be a pension. Minimum age: 75! Chop! #CutItAll

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  I am a Conservative: Dept of Ed? Oh, it's sure helped. Education is a state issue. Chop! #CutItAll

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  I am a Conservative: PBS? Are you kidding? It's welfare for washed up hacks like Bill Moyers. Subscribe to cable! Chop! #CutItAll

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  I am a Conservative: I believe that you — yeah, you — can succeed without a government handout! Reject welfare serfdom, GOP-ers! #CutItAll

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  I am a Conservative: Beware GOP Establishment wusses bearing last minute secret budget deals. They're like Greeks who do not bear gifts but do other Greek stuff.

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  I am a Conservative: The way to solve the deficit spending crisis is to stop all deficit spending. We're already defaulted.

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  I am a Conservative: I wish I was a congressman just so I could invent a new kind of vote called "Kiss my ass." #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Here's my deal — stop deficit spending today. Yeah, the deadbeats will be bummed out...and? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: The federal government is a failure. Cut out any activity not set out explicitly in the Constitution. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Nope, nothing about paying other people's medical bills is in the Constitution...cut it all! #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: End government student loans — it's a giant scam to benefit a Democrat constituency, university administrators, and professors.

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  I am a Conservative: Sugarcoating it is just another way of perpetuating lies. Here's the truth: It's time to defund the welfare deadbeats.

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  I am a Conservative: Please note that the food stamp program replacement, the Community Gruel Pot, would be a state program, not federal.

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  I am a Conservative: Obama, cut food stamps before defense. See, subsidizing welfare cheats, unlike defense, is not in the Constitution.

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  I am a Conservative: F**k it. Default. We're already insolvent and everyone knows it. Emperor, clothes, etc.

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  I am a Conservative: And I would totally end welfare not only as we know it, but more than even a miser might wish it. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Let's start with a 25% federal civilian, non-cop “worker” salary cut. If they don't like it, they can get real jobs.

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  I am a Conservative: Here's a deficit reduction idea. Spend less next year than this year.

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  I am a Conservative: Ummm, only amateurs go to summits without success lined-up ahead of time. #OneTerm

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  I am a Conservative: For the government, failure is not an option, but an inevitable result.

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  I am a Conservative: I want a balanced budget and no new taxes. Will we have to cut off people from the trough? Yep. What’s the downside?

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  I am a Conservative: Social Security and Medicare are not pensions. They are minimum, last ditch safety nets. Want more in your old age? Work harder or save more.

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  I am a Conservative: I support budget cuts that involve spending less money than before. To the GOP Establishment, that makes me dumb. #ScrewThem

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  I am a Conservative: We should rename Welfare Offices, "Shame Centers," and publicize the names of recipients.

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  I am a Conservative: Close down the Department of Education and sell its D.C. office building to Wal-Mart.

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  I am a Conservative: Fire 25% of government workers today and we'd never know the difference. So do it.

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  I am a Conservative: Rule of Thumb — the best thing the U.S. government can do for citizens is almost always nothing.

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  I am a Conservative: Government programs may give people a little money, but those handouts can never deliver self-respect or dignity.

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  I am a Conservative: What if they had a government shutdown and no one (who is not a parasite) noticed? #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Um, 50% of people pay no income tax. Everyone should pay something. Especially those who consume taxes.

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  I am a Conservative: A safety net, not a pension plan — end Social Security as we know it. Minimum age 75, Low benefits, means test, voluntary.

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  I am a Conservative: Isn't hitting the debt ceiling, and theoretically not being able to dig ourselves further into debt, a good thing?

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  I am a Conservative: If it ain't in the Constitution, what's it doing in the budget?

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  I am a Conservative: Let's make it simple — cut 100% of whatever is not in the Constitution. Plus the Post Office, which is.

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  I am a Conservative: We're going to need a lot more bullets. And I say cut all the deadbeats off the dole to buy 'em.

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  I am a Conservative: The only ones who want government healthcare are those who don't want to pay, and the rich who can opt out.

 
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  I am a Conservative: Hey government, I don't want your "Sputnik moment." Take your "help" and go away.

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  I am a Conservative: You know what rocks? Limiting the federal government to the Constitution's enumerated powers! Someone tell Obama!

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  I am a Conservative: I don't want a government that "addresses people's concerns." I want it to do what's in the Constitution and nothing else.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Unions: Because They Are Just So Full of Win

  Do you remember the 1979 movie Norma Rae, where Sally Field starred as an idealist worker bringing the benefits of a union to her friends at a North Carolina textile factory? Her heroic quest succeeds when her plant is unionized!

  It sure was inspiring. And in real life, the unionization movement in southern textile factories was a super duper success as well!

  Today, there are no non-union textile plants left in the South, mostly because there are no textile plants left in the south.

  They were inspired, too. Inspired to move out of the United States.

  Way to go, union geniuses.

  How does one say, “They like me! They really like me!” in Chinese?

  I am a Conservative and the fact is that unions suck…..

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  I am a Conservative: Public employee unions are loser protection societies, designed to keep the worst-of-the-worst on the job.

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  I am a Conservative: Ban public employee unions. Duh.

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  I am a Conservative: In Latin, the word "union" means "lazy, useless losers who suck up money and produce nothing."

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  I am a Conservative: Thanks, public employee unions, for demonstrating that your priority is...yourselves.

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  I am a Conservative: Public employee unions belong in the dustbin of history, along with communism, Jim Crow, and the music of Ace of Base. #Caring.

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  I am a Conservative: I at least respect ticks...they don't need a public employee union to suck.

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  I am a Conservative: Step One — Crush all public employee unions. Step Two — Laugh at the liberals' tears.

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  I am a Conservative: The public employee union scam...enjoy it while it lasts because it's over, losers!

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  I am a Conservative: Union scumbags say: "No justice no peace!" I say: "No problem.” #Caring.

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  I am a Conservative: Imagine how awesome things will be with all public employee unions totally crushed….

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  I am a Conservative: The American Dream is not an unaccountable, overpaid, nine-month-a-year, government union teaching gig.

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  I am a Conservative: Let's all work a lot harder so the public employee union parasites don't have to! Um, no.

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  I am a Conservative: Pay higher taxes so public employee union parasites can continue their free ride? Don't think so.

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  I am a Conservative: The liberals say the GOP is dedicated to crushing unions. Pfft. I wish. Oh, how I wish…

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  I am a Conservative: Union people deserve remuneration commensurate with their performance. The Community Gruel Pot it is…

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  I am a Conservative: We need public employee unions like we need herpes. Probably less.

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  I am a Conservative: Public employee unions — hmmmm, there's a concept we need to retain because it works out so well.

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  I am a Conservative: Notice how all teachers’ union arguments refer to their "right" to get more government money and how none refer to teaching the kids?

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  I am a Conservative: Public employee unions led to sub-50% grad rate in Milwaukee schools. Ban them — for the poor kids' sake.

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  I am a Conservative: Memo to public employee unions — Your track record of failure is unbroken by success. You suck.

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  I am a Conservative: Public employee unions brought us rubber rooms and the inability to fire bad teachers. That's what unions do. Ban them.

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  I am a Conservative: The only union death threat I fear is when one of those chunky government losers threatens to sit on me.

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  I am a Conservative: Yeah, union geniuses, giving you more money is the new frontier of civil rights. I have a dream…that we fire all you parasites!

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  I am a Conservative: I bet 90% of union folks will stop paying dues to their union, given the chance. To which I say, "Ha, ha!”

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  I am a Conservative: When I hear a public employee union is being crushed, it's like seeing a child's smile. Only better.

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  I am a Conservative: Happiness is watching an unemployed government worker forced to compete for a job in the real, productive world.

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  I am a Conservative: I'll believe the new GOP is serious when they vote to outlaw public employee unionization.

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  I am a Conservative: No more screwing around. They've shown their true socialist colors. Crush the unions.

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  I am a Conservative: Unions are a loser protection racket designed to avoid accountability for failure. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: Until the Tea Party, only the parasites and moochers organized. Cut all welfare; crush the unions. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: No public employee unions. None. Zip. Nada. Yep, my beloved cops and firemen too. Country first.

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  I am a Conservative: Yeah, let's all pay more money in taxes so that bloated government "workers" can retire at 50! #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: I did something unionized government "workers" did not do today. I contributed to society.

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  I am a Conservative: Gotta say, if you look for the union label, it'll read "Pass the muffins." #SirMixALot

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  I am a Conservative: Public Employee Unions — Because a >50% dropout rate for inner city kids is A-OK with liberals if the union parasites get theirs.

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  I am a Conservative: The only strikes by government employees that I support are airstrikes. Let’s start with Iran and work east.

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  I am a Conservative: Hey GOP, you missed a pledge opportunity — how about vowing to ban all public employee unions?

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  I am a Conservative: Look for the union label ... on school kids, and you'll find illiterates babysat by whining parasites.

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  I am a Conservative: Look for the union label ... It’ll probably read “Made in China.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The Mainstream Media, Hollywood, and Other Degenerates

  A liberal will tell you that the mainstream media (MSM), popular culture and the arts are dominated by liberals because liberals are so much more creative, intelligent, and just generally more awesome than conservatives.

  Then they will tell you how we need higher taxes on people who are usually conservative — the productive — to subsidize the lifestyles of losers who are always liberal.

  That the mainstream media and its allies in the culture are an organized cheering section for the Democratic Party in particular - and liberalism in general - is no surprise. You need only watch it.

  Sadly, many uncritical Americans do, inhaling their pinko poison through their pie-holes and trooping off to the voting booth to cast their ballot for the nice-looking charlatan who promises hope, change, and that someone else will bail out their mortgage.

  Guess what?

  You are that “someone else.”

  I am a Conservative, and the media and Hol
lywood are a joke…..

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  I am a Conservative: If you are not watching Fox, you are watching MSNBC..no matter what the channel calls itself.

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  I am a Conservative: Anyone else think that Chris Matthews — scratch that... does anyone think of Chris Mathews at all?

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  I am a Conservative: Your criticism of Michelle's flaunting of her lavish lifestyle is evil for some reason, so the MSM tells me.

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  I am a Conservative: It's quiet … the-MSM-on-Obama’s-record-on-Guantanamo-Bay-quiet.

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  I am a Conservative: The Democrats have a communications problem. The new conservative media is effectively communicating what they're doing.

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  I am a Conservative: Frank Rich's anger powers my Hummer.

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  I am a Conservative: Let's increase taxes on the people who suck most. Get out your checkbook, Journolistas.

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  I am a Conservative: Come on, MSM, stop the 24/7 coverage of Cindy Sheehan since Obama was inaugurated.

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  I am a Conservative: I think we need more 27 year-old, Ivy League grad op-ed writers who've never started/run a business telling us about economics. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: I'll take what the MSM labels a nut over what experience tells me is a leftist hack.

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  I am a Conservative: MSNBC is objectively and subjectively irrelevant.

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  I am a Conservative: I guess the debt ceiling thing stopped being a crisis to the media when the responsibility shifted to the Democrats to act. #Caring

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  I am a Conservative: David Brooks says GOP must raise taxes. So we must not.

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  I am a Conservative: Oh horror, people are angry with each other. Gee, we better raise taxes so the media can be happy. #UnicornDreams

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  I am a Conservative: Peggy Noonan is sucking up to the Tea Party, so clearly she must think we're winning.

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  I am a Conservative: Let's all agree that the New York Times is a joke.

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  I am a Conservative: Watch the MSM tell us how great the economy is. It's all rainbows for Obama!

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  I am a Conservative: Shut up, David Brooks. The GOP's real men and women are talking.