Touch (The Pagano Family Book 2)

by Susan Fanetti

  “You could scare him, then.”

  “Yeah, maybe. If he’s around when you piss me off.” She laughed, but he didn’t get the joke. Or he just didn’t think it was funny.

  “What about Luca? Are you going to hurt him?”

  She thought of the cut on Luca’s arm, but she got a sense that Carlo wasn’t asking about that. “Yeah, I am. My mom says that people who love each other hurt each other more than anybody else.”

  “You saying you love him?”

  She hadn’t even said that to Luca yet. She’d be damned if she’d say it to his brother first. “I’m saying people hurt each other. Crazy or not.”

  “Hey, hey! We good over here?” Luca was literally running up to the porch. Manny laughed out loud.

  “You are such a dork. It’s fine. Carlo and I are talking.”

  “What about?” He looked from Manny to his brother.

  “How he thinks I’m nuts and gonna chop his kid up in bits. Maybe offer him candy and lure him into my Honda.”

  Luca’s head swiveled back to hers. She’d surprised them all with her stupid mouth. “Jesus, Manny. Down, girl.”

  She couldn’t even work up a mad at Luca for talking to her like that. It was a pretty dumb thing she’d said. So she just continued staring at Carlo.

  He scoffed. “Yeah. Well, I’m going to go find my wife and kid. It’s a big beach, Manny.”

  She understood the innuendo: she should keep her distance. “Yep. Got it.” She shoved her hands into her pockets. “Have fun, or whatever.”

  Carlo stalked off. Luca turned to her. He looked mad or frustrated or something bad. “How’d that happen?”

  “I called him over. I don’t think he likes me better.”

  Luca laughed drily. “No. Sounds like you went at him pretty hard.”

  She shrugged. “We were honest with each other. Truth hurts, but it’s best. But today is better than last time, I think.”

  His brow smoothed. “Yeah? I wasn’t thinking that. But I thought last time was going great until it wasn’t.”

  “It’s easier this time. A little. Maybe because Trey is the center of it all. Or because they were all expecting me to be, like, running around on all fours, tearing my hair out, or something. I’m exceeding their expectations. Except Carlo’s, I guess.”

  Luca smiled down at her. She loved his smile. It made her feel like he could see only her. “Well, fuck him, then.”

  “I’d rather not. Not my type.”

  He laughed. “Fuck me, then?”

  Manny hadn’t seen where this banter would end up. She took a step back. They hadn’t had sex since the day she’d been dosed. Dottie had been gone for almost a week, and her stitches had been out for days, so it wasn’t that. It was her.

  She still couldn’t get close enough, not even when she controlled the touch.

  Luca made a growling sound in the back of his throat and shook his head. “Sorry, Manny. I’m taking that back. Okay?”

  “I’m trying, Luca.”

  “I know. We’re good. Take your time.” He smiled again. “You okay to stay?”

  She was. “I’m keeping my word close, just in case, but yeah. I’m okay.”

  “Thank you, little bit.”

  oOo

  On the following Friday evening, Manny came home from her trek around Providence doing in-home massages and running an errand or two. Her leg hurt, but not too badly. That was good. She had a plan. A wacky plan. A certifiably insane plan. Maybe even a dangerous plan.

  A Manny plan, really.

  She had some time. Luca was coming over after he was done with Anthony at the gym. They were supposed to go out to dinner. She took a shower and got the massage reek off of her. Then she dressed in a little red pleather skirt, her red satin underwear set, and her sheer black top. It was an outfit Luca had commented favorably on. She kept the makeup and accessories to a minimum. Her messed-up leg showed under the skirt, but oh well. Not like he hadn’t seen the scars a hundred times by now. He’d seen them getting made, after all.

  Then she did a few things around the apartment. Then she paced.

  He came in smelling fresh from a shower and looking superhot in his best-ass jeans and a royal blue button-down shirt that did very nice things to his green eyes. When he saw her outfit, his grin was obviously appreciative. “I’m glad I brought the truck tonight. You look good, bit. You ready?”

  No. They weren’t going anywhere. “We need to talk, Luca.”

  He sighed. “Okay. But I’m figuring out that no good conversation ever started out with those words. What’s wrong?”

  She sat down on the sofa and patted the cushion next to her. “Nothing. I just want to tell you something.”

  He sat, but he was eyeing her in a way she knew was suspicious. She turned and picked up a tiny plastic baggie from the side table and held it out flat on her hand. Inside were two small, white pills. One was cut in half. A smiley face was clearly imprinted on the other.

  Luca stared at her hand. “Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck, Manny?”

  “It’s E. Well, it’s Molly, actually. Purer. It’s supposed to be mellower.”

  He looked up and met her eyes. He was really pissed. “And why in God’s great fuck do you have it?”

  “I want to take it.”

  “No fucking way. Absolutely not. No.” He reached for the pills, and she closed her hand and snatched it away.

  “Just hear me out, Luca. I was talking to my shrink—”

  “Your shrink told you to take that?”

  She huffed. He wasn’t even trying to listen. “No. We were talking about what happened, and how I reacted, and how things have been since—you know, with my touching thing being worse. She made a big point of telling me how dangerous unregulated drugs can be. Then she told me why she thought I had the reaction I did. She said it was probably not my reaction to the drug that made me freak out but my reaction to my reaction to the drug. Or something like that. Basically, that my brain went haywire because it happened to me, and I didn’t understand what was going on. That people don’t normally have memory loss on Ecstasy, not unless they’re, like, addicts or something. That normally the interaction with my meds should have been pretty mild. She said she would have expected me to have the physical effects of E but maybe not all the emotional effects. But that maybe I had too much of a dose for my size, and I wasn’t in control of it, and that’s why I went nuts.”

  She paused for a breath, but not a long one, because Luca was winding up to yell, she could tell, and that was going to freak her out. “Then she did that thing that people do where she asked if I understood what she was saying. People never ask that question unless I’m supposed to be understanding something that they’re not saying. So I thought about it. I’ve been thinking about it for two days. I figured it out. I think she was telling me if I did it right, I could have the good physical stuff and remember it right. Maybe that would get me past this bad place so we can get close again.”

  Luca closed his mouth and sat back a little. “Where’d you get that?”

  “One of my clients. From her personal stash. Very highly recommended.”

  “No, Manny. The last time you did E, I got arrested, and you almost fucking died.”

  “But that’s just it—I didn’t do E, it was done to me. This will be different. And it’ll be better stuff. Evelyn is wicked loaded, so I know her stuff is top shelf. Whatever that skank dumped in my drink was probably back-alley shit.” She picked up the little packet between her fingers and waved it. “I got two, in case you wanted some, too. I’m only going to take half. That’s like nothing. Maybe it won’t do anything at all. Oh! And I bought a bunch of bottled water. I guess you’re supposed to stay hydrated.”

  He punched his thigh, and Manny jumped. “Sorry. But your shrink is a fucking quack.”

  That pissed Manny off. She’d been seeing Dr. Thompson for years. She owed a lot of who she was now to that old broad. “No, she’s not. She’s trying t
o help me. I’m taking this, Luca. I want to take this, and then, maybe, if I am for once in my lame life really lucky, maybe we can fuck like normal people. Maybe I’ll be able to know what it’s like to have your hands on me. And if I’m really, really lucky, maybe tomorrow I’ll really remember what that feels like. Luca, please. I want to be normal. Even for a little while. I just want to be normal.”

  He didn’t seem angry anymore. Now he seemed more sad than anything. “Manny, no. What if you’re not lucky? What if it all happens again, and this time they do commit you?”

  Nope. Not thinking about that. Nope, nope, nope. “I’m doing it. Stay or don’t. Up to you.”

  Done talking, she went into the kitchen and got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. Then she dumped one of the pill halves into her hand.

  Luca stood up. “Please, little bit. This is insane.”

  “Yep. That’s me.” She tossed the pill into her mouth and washed it down with a long swig of cool water.

  Luca dropped back onto the sofa, so hard that the whole thing rocked up on its back legs. “Fuck, Manny. Oh, fuck.”

  ~ 17 ~

  “I guess we can’t go out to dinner, huh? Want to order a pizza?”

  “No, I do not want to order a fucking pizza.” Luca could not believe what Manny had just done. Holy fuck! Three weeks ago, she’d almost bled out on her kitchen floor because, lost in a bad E comedown, she’d repeatedly stabbed herself…with that thought, he leapt up from the sofa and ran past her into her kitchen. The little folding dish drainer was empty. Thank God.

  He gripped the edge of her sink, closed his eyes, and actually prayed. Hail Mary, full of grace…

  “Luca?”

  He ignored her until he finished, then stood straight and turned to her. She was so little. Little and fragile and vulnerable. And capable of catastrophic violence. He hadn’t kept her safe the last time. What if he couldn’t this time, either?

  But it was too late. Unless he was prepared to shove his hand down her throat and make her sick the pill up—and he was not—it was too late.

  With effort, he spoke calmly. “I don’t want a pizza, bit. You should eat, though. We can order one if that’s what you want.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

  “Please eat. Get something in your stomach.”

  “Okay. There’s chicken nuggets in the freezer. I can nuke those.”

  He laughed and opened her freezer. “Not the night I had planned.”

  “Please don’t be mad, Luca.”

  Nuggets in hand, he closed the freezer door and leaned his head on it. “I’m not mad, bit. I’m scared out of my fucking mind.”

  Manny leaned on the doorframe. “It’s gonna be okay. That’s what people tell me. Sometimes it’s even true.”

  While he laid out some frozen lumps of breaded ‘chicken’ on a plate and stuck it in her little microwave, she left the doorway. By the time the timer went off, music filled the apartment. Stone Temple Pilots—one of the few intersections of their musical tastes.

  He brought out her bottle of water and a plate with six nuggets and a puddle of ketchup. “Not much of a meal.”

  “Plenty for me. Thanks.” She grinned and took it from him, then went to sit cross-legged on the sofa. She’d taken off her Docs and was barefoot. He loved her feet—small and slender, her toenails always polished. Tonight, her fingers and toes were tipped with dark, midnight blue.

  He stared at one little foot sticking out from under a slim thigh that was crossed with still-red scars. At least the bruising was gone. It had been harder, somehow, to see the deep, mottled, black that was her whole thigh for the first days afterward.

  He closed his fist against the need to put his hand on her thigh—and finally it occurred to him that there might be something other than horror in this night. What if she was right? What if, maybe twenty minutes from now, Manny would seek his touch?

  His heart raced suddenly, and his palms actually itched at the thought. Before, he’d had to fight against what he wanted, what she was begging him to take, because she hadn’t chosen. This time, she’d chosen.

  “Manny, what do you want me to do?”

  Around a mouthful of chicken, she said, “What I ask for.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She swallowed and gave him a look he knew well. Usually, she told him he was a dork when she made that face. “Dude, it’s the whole reason I did this. I know it’s a stupid risk. That’s how bad I want it. It’s worth it. Fuck, even if I chop my whole leg off tomorrow, it’s worth it. I want to want to feel you.” She set her plate on her lap and looked hard at him. “I want to feel you on me. Your whole body. And after, I want to be able to lay on your chest and want your arms around me. That’s what I want you to do.”

  As scared as he was, his cock was full and ready, and there was hope as well as fear in the adrenaline churning in his blood. A night of her wanting him the way he wanted her. Even if it was just a night, it was enough. He hoped it would be enough.

  “Okay. If this goes wrong for you, I will try to keep you safe. I love you, little bit.”

  She smiled shyly and looked down at her lap. “I love you, too, Luca.”

  She’d taken the E, or the Molly, or whatever, but she wasn’t acting different yet. So he was going to call that the first time she’d said those words straight. He ducked his head so he could see her eyes. “I’m with you. Whatever happens.”

  For the next several minutes they were in an eerie limbo, listening to STP, not really talking. She finished her nuggets, and Luca took her plate into the kitchen and rinsed it. He got her to drink the whole bottle of water. And then they waited some more.

  It started with squirming. Sitting on the sofa, Manny got fidgety, rubbing her legs, her arms, running her fingers through her hair. Luca noticed, but waited. Then she closed her eyes, laid her head back on the sofa, and took a deep, languorous breath. When she let it out, there was a purr in her throat.

  “Luca.” Her head still lazing back on the sofa, she turned and smiled at him.

  “Yeah, bit?”

  “It’s happening.”

  He took a breath of his own—but his was intended to steady himself. His hands were fucking shaking. “Talk to me.”

  “I feel good. Like, good. Like my insides are quiet. You know how it gets at the movies, in that little time after the lights go down but before the movie starts? My head feels like that. Is this what normal people feel like?” Before he could answer, she added, “And…and I can feel my bra on my nipples. Is that stupid to say?”

  He groaned and closed his eyes, searching for a deeper calm. “No, bit. That’s good to say. What do you want?”

  She unwound her legs and turned slightly on the couch, stretching out and resting her little bare feet on his lap. “I want you to fuck me the way you want to fuck me.”

  “Manny…” He was afraid to let himself want what she wanted. Afraid to hurt her, afraid to lose more than they had already. Afraid to lose her. Not for the first time, the rueful thought entered his head that he’d spent more time worried and afraid in the weeks he’d loved Manny than he had in the sum total of his life before her.

  As “Plush” began to play, Manny sat up and pulled off her black top, then wriggled out of her red skirt and dropped them both to the floor. Now she was sitting—half-lying, really—on the sofa, wearing nothing but a red satin bra and panties. “Don’t waste this time, Luca. Please.”

  He put his hands on her legs, looping his fingers around her ankles. She sucked in a breath, and he darted a glance at her face, ready to back off. But that breath was different from the hiss of near-pain she usually made when she was touched unexpectedly. Now, she was inhaling pleasure.

  He let his hands slide gently up her legs. Holy God, the way her skin felt under his hands. Warm and supple and so fucking soft. His heart was thumping in his chest so hard he could hear it. As he moved up her thighs, trying not to focus on the scars on the right, she lifted her
hips and moaned.

  “Tell me what you feel, bit.” He asked because he wanted to make sure she was okay. He also asked because he wanted to hear her tell him that she wanted his touch. He needed to hear her say it.

  She smiled. Usually she got shy and refused to talk much during sex, as if words distracted her. But now, her eyes at half-mast but not tired, she said, “Your fingers are rough. A little scratchy.”