Mixed Blessings

by Danielle Steel

  “Take it easy, kid. You’ll know what you want eventually. Just listen to yourself. You’ll know in your gut what you want. You can’t go wrong if you follow that.”

  “Thank you.” She gave Marina a warm hug, and waved as she drove away. It was incredible how she was always there for her. And as Pilar walked slowly into her house, she was smiling.

  Brad was home when she got back, he was putting away his golf clubs, and he looked suntanned and relaxed and happy to see her.

  “Where’ve you been? I thought Nancy was coming here today.” He put an arm around Pilar and kissed her as they walked out to the terrace.

  “She was. She came for lunch. I just went down to the beach for a walk with Marina after she left.”

  “Oh-oh,” he said, looking at the wife he knew so well, “that means trouble.”

  “What do you mean by that?” She laughed, and he pulled her down on his lap, and she sat there happy for the first time in hours. She was crazy about him, and it was equally obvious that he adored her.

  “You never go for walks on the beach unless something big is bugging you. The last time you did that you were trying to decide whether or not to take a new partner in, before that it was whether or not to resign from a case you thought involved fraud, and before that I think you were trying to decide whether or not to marry me. That was a good walk.” She laughed, but she couldn’t say he was wrong. He was right on all counts. “So what was today’s walk all about? Did Nancy give you a hard time?” It would have surprised him, though, because all of that was years behind them, and the two women were good friends now. “Or is something big happening at the office?” She had just won an important case in a civil suit in L.A., and he was proud of her, but he also knew how stressful her job was, and how many difficult decisions she had to make on a daily basis. He liked to help her whenever he could, but sometimes even he couldn’t help. She had to make her own decisions.

  “No, nothing like that, everything’s fine. And Nancy was adorable today.” Adorable, and painful. She had opened a part of Pilar’s heart that Pilar hadn’t even known was there. She had suspected it once or twice in the past year, but she told herself they were just rumblings that didn’t matter. Now she wasn’t as sure, and she didn’t know what to say to Brad. He would think she was crazy. But maybe Marina was right. She had to tell him. “I don’t know … it’s just women’s stuff, I wanted to sort some things out, so I went down to the beach with Marina, and she made a lot of sense, as usual.”

  “What did she say?” he asked gently, still wanting to help her. He had a lot of respect for their friend, but Pilar was his wife, and he wanted to be there for her.

  “I feel so silly,” she said vaguely.

  And as Brad glanced at her, he saw that there were tears in her eyes, which surprised him. He rarely saw her cry. She seldom lost control, but he suddenly realized she was deeply troubled.

  “That looks like heavy stuff for a Saturday afternoon. Should I go back to the beach with you?” He almost meant it.

  “Maybe.” She smiled, and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye as he pulled her closer to him.

  “What’s bothering you, sweetheart? I wish you would tell me.” He knew it had to be important, if she’d called Marina.

  “You won’t believe me if I do. It makes me sound so stupid.”

  “Try me. I hear a lot of crazy things every day, I’m used to it, and I’ve got big shoulders.”

  She nestled against him, her long legs stretched over his, her face next to his as she spoke softly. “I don’t know … I guess seeing Nancy today touched on a nerve I didn’t even know I had … something I’ve thought about once or twice in the last year … something I’ve really never thought about before, or cared about, or even knew I needed. But Nancy asked me if I thought I’d ever regret not having children.” Pilar started to cry as she said the words, and her husband looked at her in amazement. She had taken him by surprise and he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I was always so sure I never wanted kids. But I’m not so sure anymore. All of a sudden I find myself thinking about it. What if she’s right, and someday I am sorry? What if it’s the heartbreak of my life in my old age? What if”—she could hardly bear to say it, but she knew she had to now—“what if something happens to you, and … I never have your baby?” She was crying as she said the words and all he could do was shake his head. She had stunned him. He had been ready for anything but that. Pilar was the last person he would ever have expected to want a baby.

  “Are you serious? Are you really worried about these things?” He couldn’t believe it.

  “I think I am. That’s the awful part. What if I suddenly decide I want children?” She looked panic-stricken, and he had to force himself not to smile.

  “You may have to call the fire department if you do, to revive me. Pilar, are you really serious about this? Are you thinking about having children now?” After all these years? He hadn’t even thought about having babies in more than twenty years, and she had always been so clear about what she wanted.

  “Do you think I’m way too old?” she asked, looking glum, but he laughed.

  “You’re not. But I certainly am. I’m sixty-two, I’ll be a grandfather in a few weeks time. Think how ridiculous I’d look,” The whole idea just amazed him.

  “No, you wouldn’t. Lots of men your age have second families these days, some of them are a lot older than you are.”

  “I’m getting older by the minute,” he said, but looking at her, he could see that she was going through some kind of major crisis. “Pilar, how long have you been thinking about this?”

  “I’m not sure,” she said honestly. “I think maybe it crossed my mind for the first time after we got married. I decided it was some kind of aberration, and then those people came to see me, about the surrogate’s child. I kept thinking how strange they were, how desperate they were to have a baby they didn’t even know, but the damndest thing was that a part of me understood them. I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting old, and a little peculiar. I think it shook me up when Nancy got pregnant. She always seemed like such a kid, and now she seems so content and self-contained. It’s as though she’s finally found the real meaning in her life. And what if I’ve missed the point for all these years? What if being a good lawyer and a decent person and a good wife and stepmother isn’t enough? What if it’s all about having your own children?”

  “Oh dear.” He sighed long and hard. She was in a real state, and he couldn’t tell her she was wrong. But it was late in the day for them to be thinking about having children. “I wish you’d thought of all this a little sooner.”

  She looked at him seriously then, and her heart was in her eyes as she asked the question, “If I decide I can’t live without my own child, would you be willing to have one?” It cost her everything she had in her soul to ask him that, but she needed to know. She needed to know where he stood, and if it was even an option. And if he said no, she knew she’d have to live with it. She loved him more than any child, but still she was beginning to think that she might want his baby.

  “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I haven’t thought about that in a long time. I’d have to think about it.” She smiled at him, relieved that he hadn’t said no. There was a chance, and they both needed to do a lot of thinking, about the responsibility, the burden of it, the changes it would make in their lives. But Pilar was almost beginning to think that all of that would be worth it.

  “You’d better do your thinking quickly.” She grinned, and he looked rueful as he held her.

  “Why?”

  “I’m getting older by the minute.”

  “You … monster!” he said, kissing her full on the lips, and then longingly, with great tenderness, as they both became aroused, sitting in the sunshine of their terrace. “I knew something dreadful could happen if I forced you to marry me,” he growled at her, and she laughed at him. “I just wish I’d known all this thirteen years ago. I’d have force
d you to marry me then and you could have had at least a dozen children.”

  “Let’s see”—she sat up on his lap, looking at him pensively—“if we start now … I’m forty-three … maybe we could still squeeze in six or seven …”

  “Never mind that … it’ll be a miracle if I survive one … but I want you to understand, I haven’t agreed to it yet, I want to think about it.”

  She pretended to look mollified as she stood up and took him by the hand. “I have a great idea for something you can do while you think about it, Brad … come on …” He laughed as she led him slowly toward their bedroom. But he was easy prey for her, he always was, just as she was for him. And her heart felt lighter as he kissed her and followed her into their bedroom.

  Diana sat up on the table after the doctor had examined her. She had gone to her gynecologist for a Pap smear and her yearly check-up.

  “Everything looks fine to me,” he said with a pleasant smile. He was a youngish man, and her brother-in-law had recommended him to her two years before because it would have been too awkward going to see him. But Jack thought that Arthur Jones was an excellent physician.

  “Any complaints? Lumps, bumps, funny pains, unusual bleeding?” he asked once the exam was over, but Diana shook her head, looking unhappy. She had had her period again the week before, so she knew that once again, she hadn’t gotten pregnant.

  “My only complaint is that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for eleven months, and so far, nothing’s happened.”

  “Maybe you’re trying too hard,” he said, echoing what her sisters had said. Everyone who knew said stupid things like “don’t think about it,” “you’re trying too hard,” “just forget about it,” “stop worrying,” but they didn’t know the anguish and the grief and the disappointment it caused each month when she discovered they hadn’t succeeded. She was twenty-eight years old, she’d been married for almost a year, she had a husband she loved, a job she enjoyed, and now she wanted a baby.

  “A year isn’t such a long time,” the doctor said reassuringly.

  “It seems like a long time to me,” she said, smiling wistfully.

  “What about your husband? Is he worried about it too?” Maybe he knew something about the problem that Diana didn’t. Sometimes men were loath to admit to their mates that they’d had problems in the past, or acute venereal diseases, which might make a difference.

  “He keeps saying not to worry about it, that it’ll happen sooner or later.”

  “Maybe he’s right.” Dr. Jones smiled. “What kind of work does he do?” He wondered if there were chemicals involved, or toxins that might inadvertently affect him.

  “He’s an attorney for a network.” She told him which one, and the doctor looked impressed.

  “And you work for a magazine, don’t you?” She nodded. “Those are both pretty stressful jobs, that could be part of it. But I do want you to understand that eleven months is not an abnormally long time. Most couples get pregnant after a year, but some people take a little longer. What about a vacation one of these days? That might be just what you need.”

  Diana smiled. “We’re leaving for Europe in a week. We planned it just right. Maybe that will do the trick,” she said hopefully, and he saw the anxiety on her face, and decided to listen to it.

  “I’ll tell you what. If you don’t find you’re pregnant when you get back, we can start checking into things. I can run a few tests, or I can send you to a specialist, whichever you prefer. There’s one man I always feel comfortable recommending. He’s reasonable and conservative, but he’s also very sharp, and extremely thorough. His name is Alexander Johnston, I’m sure your brother-in-law knows him. He’s a little older than we are, but he really knows his stuff, and he won’t recommend a lot of unnecessary procedures.”

  “I’d really like to do that,” Diana said, feeling hopeful again. Maybe they would get pregnant in Europe, but if they didn’t, there was hope. There was someone they could go to.

  She thanked the doctor for his encouragement, and went back to work, and that night she tried to tell Andy about it. She mentioned the name of the specialist and told him she’d ask Jack what he thought of him, but Andy surprised her by snapping at her. He was swamped at work, and he’d had a very hard day at the office, and he was getting tired of her pressing him about making love on certain dates, at certain times, and then having hysterics when she got her period and discovered she wasn’t pregnant. They were both healthy and young and came from big families, and it was obvious to him that it was going to work eventually, and they’d have plenty of children. But harping on it and crying all the time certainly didn’t help the situation.

  “For chrissake, Di, give me a break. We don’t need a goddamn specialist, we just need some time off to relax. Stop pushing!”

  “I’m sorry …” Tears filled her eyes as she looked away from him, he didn’t understand how worried she was, or how afraid that something really was wrong. “I just thought … I thought the specialist might help …” She was crying as she left the room, and he came to find her a few minutes later.

  “Come on, baby … I’m sorry. I’m just so damn tired and stressed out. I’ve had a shitload of headaches at work for the past few weeks. We’ll have a baby, don’t worry about it.” But her persistence annoyed him sometimes. She was so determined to have a child. Sometimes he felt as though it was the only real goal she’d ever had, or maybe she was just competing with her sisters.

  “The doctor thought that maybe on vacation …” She looked at him apologetically, not wanting to annoy him. And Andy sighed at her and took her in his arms.

  “The doctor’s right. A vacation is just what we need. Now, promise me you won’t worry about this for a while. I’ll bet he also told you that nothing that’s happened so far is abnormal.”

  She smiled sheepishly at her husband and nodded. “Yes, he did.”

  “All right then,” he said firmly, and then kissed her.

  And when they went to bed that night, Diana seemed a little calmer on the subject. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe she was foolish to worry.

  She leaned over to kiss Andy good night, but he was already fast asleep, and snoring softly. She looked at him for a long moment, and then lay back on her pillow. It was odd how wanting a baby this much sometimes made her feel so lonely. It was as though no one ever understood how sharp the yearning was, how great the need, not even Andy.

  * * *

  The trip to Europe went splendidly. They went to Paris and the south of France, and then they flew to London to see Andy’s brother. And as closely as Diana could figure it, if she’d gotten pregnant, it would have been at the Hotel de Paris in Monte Carlo. The skies had been blue, the hotel was divine, and Andy said he couldn’t think of a better place to make a baby.

  They enjoyed seeing Nick in London, too, and the rest of the trip was easy and fun, and just what the young couple needed. Neither of them had realized how tense and exhausted they were until they got away from the pressures of L.A. and rediscovered how wonderful it was spending time with each other and relaxing. They went to restaurants and museums and churches, lay on beaches, and even spent a weekend fishing in Scotland with Nick and his girlfriend. When they got back to L.A. in June, they both felt like new people.

  Andy went off to his first day of work with a smile, and Diana cheated and took an extra day off to unpack their things and recover from the trip and get her hair done. It was Friday anyway, and she figured that if the magazine had lived without her for this long, they could manage until Monday morning. She wasn’t anxious to get back into the hysterics of publishing and she tried to talk Andy into staying home with her, too, but he really felt he had to get back, although he was sorry to do it. But they were both looking forward to the weekend.

  Andy played tennis on Saturday morning with Bill Bennington, and it was nice to relax and talk about the trip. They had gone to law school together at UCLA, and Andy had gotten him his job at the network. They were good fri
ends, and sometimes he was someone comforting to talk to. Bill had even been in his wedding.

  “How was Nick?” Bill asked as they stopped for something cold to drink after the game.

  “Great. He’s going out with a cute girl. We spent a weekend with them, fishing in Scotland.” Bill had a younger brother, too, the same age as the twins. They had a lot in common. “We really liked her.” She was English, very pretty, and a lot of fun, and Diana thought that Nick was more serious about her than he admitted to his brother.

  “I’m going out with a cute girl too,” Bill suddenly admitted sheepishly, as he set his drink down.

  “Are you telling me something, Bennington?”—Andy eyed him with amusement and interest—“or is this just regular news?” He always took out good-looking girls. He had a penchant for models and starlets. He was a good-looking guy too. But most of the time he seemed to be into numbers rather than any one serious attachment.

  “I’m not sure yet. She’s pretty terrific though. I want you to meet her.”

  “What does she do, or is that redundant?” Andy grinned, amused by the boyish look of excitement on his friend’s face.

  “You’re not going to believe this—she’s an attorney for a rival network. She just got out of law school. She’s really an unusual girl.”

  “Uh oh.” Andy couldn’t resist teasing him, but he was pleased for his friend. Bill Bennington was one of his closest friends and favorite people. “Sounds like this could be serious.”

  “You never know.” Bennington smiled mysteriously, and the two men walked across the parking lot of the club where they played tennis. They met every Saturday, as long as they didn’t have other plans, and one or two evenings a week, if they weren’t tied up at the office. And Bill thought Andy had looked very tense before his trip. He was glad to see him looking so much more relaxed now. “How’s my favorite magazine editor, by the way? Still working her tail off?”