Mixed Blessings

by Danielle Steel

  “Great. Thanks for the important message from my sponsor.” He rolled over in bed then and masturbated for a while, and finally brought some life into things and then rolled over and made love to his wife, but there was nothing romantic about any of it. It wasn’t even pleasant. And then, without another word to her, he got out of bed and went to take a shower. It wasn’t much fun this way, feeling pressed about what day and what time you made love, or even how. And they were both tense and quiet with each other over breakfast.

  “I’m sorry,” Diana said softly.

  “Don’t be,” he said from the other side of the paper. “I just don’t feel great today, that’s all. Forget it.” He hated making love to her like that, on command, and he was still nervous about what they were going to do to him, or what they would discover.

  But the postcoital test, as it turned out, showed that his sperm appeared to be normal. They were swimming around happily, and he seemed to have a pretty dense sperm population, and high motility, all of which was excellent, according to the doctor.

  Dr. Johnston also wanted to do an ultrasound on her, to clarify a number of important points that were crucial to her evaluation. He needed to know about the thickness of her uterine lining, the size of her follicle, and if her body was responding to her own production of hormones. And he assured her that the scan wouldn’t be very unpleasant, and it wasn’t. And she was relieved that so far everything appeared to be normal.

  And when she returned again two days later for yet another ultrasound scan, to see if the follicle had ruptured and released the egg, he was able to tell her that it had, and they were another step further.

  Bill and Denise invited them out to dinner again the next day, but Diana was so exhausted from the strain of worrying about all of it, and getting to the doctor three times that week for tests and scans, that she just didn’t feel like going out, and in the end, she urged Andy to go out without her. She just wanted to go to bed and relax, and she was praying that this month she might have gotten pregnant. Nothing seemed to matter anymore except that. Even her job was less important to her now. But at least now she could talk to Eloise. But even her friends and family seemed less important to her as they forged ahead with the doctor. Their whole life seemed to have a single purpose to it now, even more than before. Sometimes she felt as though she were losing sight of Andy.

  On Monday she went back to the doctor again, and had blood drawn to check her progesterone levels during the mid-luteal phase, seven days after ovulation. Her temperature had gone up immediately after the LH surge, which was normal, and indicated that she had ovulated. And now all they could do was wait, and see if she was pregnant.

  It seemed an interminable ten days while they waited, and she could hardly keep her mind on anything. It also seemed crazy to think that things were going to be different this month. They hadn’t given her any medication, all they were doing was gathering information. But her hopes were high anyway, and she began to feel nauseated two days before she was due to get her period, and her hopes skyrocketed on the morning it was due and she didn’t have it.

  She called Dr. Johnston from the office that day, and he told her to wait a day or two, her body wasn’t a machine, and there were variations in the norm. And that night, she got her period, and lay in bed and sobbed after she discovered it. She was crushed and now she wondered what tests they would have in store for her. The whole thing was becoming more and more depressing.

  And when she called the doctor the next day, he suggested that Andy make an appointment to come in. So far, all of her tests had been normal.

  “Great. What does that mean?” Andy asked testily when she told him that night that he needed to call Dr. Johnston for an appointment. “That he thinks it’s my fault?”

  “What does it matter whose fault it is as long as we find out everything’s okay? I don’t care if it’s your fault or mine, maybe it’s no one’s fault, maybe nothing’s wrong. Maybe everyone was right to begin with, and all we need is time. Don’t be so uptight,” she told him gently, but he was even more annoyed when he called for the appointment and they told him to bring a vial of fresh semen with him. And he had been told not to have intercourse for three days before taking the sample.

  “Great.” He complained to Diana that night. “What am I supposed to do? Jack off at the office, and then run to the doctor? My secretaries will love it.”

  “Do you think I loved running in there three different times for an ultrasound scan? Stop making this worse than it is.” But it was bad enough, and they both knew it.

  “Okay, okay.” He didn’t say any more about it, but things were tense between them, and Andy was vile with her the morning he went to Dr. Johnston for tests, and he was openly hostile to the doctor as he sat down in his office. No, he had never had gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, or any of the diseases the doctor mentioned. He had not had infections, tumors, problems with his erections, impotence, or any major diseases in his lifetime.

  The doctor was well aware of his hostility, but he was used to it with other patients. It was upsetting for anyone being there, and he was challenging Andy’s manhood.

  He explained that he was going to take blood from him today, in order to check his hormone levels, and with the semen he had brought with him they were going to do both analyses and cultures. A sperm count would be done, as well as a full hormone profile, and it was also possible that he would have to come in to have blood drawn again, because male hormone levels varied greatly, even depending on the time of day, or the man’s health at the moment.

  And after the blood work was done, the doctor checked him for varicoceles, which were varicose veins in his testes that could interfere with fertility and be a serious problem.

  And just as Diana had been, by the time Andy was finished, he was exhausted. None of it had been particularly gruelling, but just the emotional strain of it had been deeply upsetting.

  And when the tests came back, Andy was relieved to discover that they were normal. His sperm count was just over two hundred million sperm, which the doctor said was extremely healthy, and the sperm concentration was a hundred and eighty million sperm per milliliter. And all his hormone tests were normal.

  “Now what?” Andy said quietly, but feeling greatly relieved, when Dr. Johnston called him himself three days later with the test results. In some ways, he was enormously pleased to know that there was nothing wrong with him, but suddenly he was beginning to worry about Diana.

  “Does this mean we’re both okay, and it’ll just take time?” If that was the case, it had been worth the stress, just to get the information. But Johnston wasn’t ready to let them off the hook yet, now that they had started.

  “It could certainly. But I’d like to go a few steps further with Diana. I’m still concerned about the IUD she had several years ago, and I’d like to do a hysterosalpingogram on her this month before she ovulates. It’s a study of the upper reproductive tract, by flushing it with radiopaque dye, and taking an X ray.” He made it sound extremely ordinary, but Andy was suspicious.

  “Is it painful?”

  “Sometimes,” he said candidly, “not always. It’s uncomfortable.” That was Andy’s least favorite word when used by medical technicians. “Uncomfortable” usually meant you were not quite writhing on the floor, but almost. “We can give her some pain killers at the hospital. She’ll have to take doxycycline for a few days before, just to make sure there’s no infection, and she’ll stay on it afterward. Not everyone prescribes antibiotics for this procedure, but I prefer it, to be on the safe side. In a lot of cases, the test itself flushes out the tubes, and people get pregnant within six months after they’ve had it.”

  “Sounds like it might be worth a try,” Andy said cautiously.

  “I think so,” Dr. Johnston said quietly. “I’ll call her.” But when he did, Diana wasn’t as sure. She had heard nasty things about that test from women in her office. They said it was painful, and one of them had been alle
rgic to the dye solution they’d used and had a frightening reaction. She asked Eloise what she knew of it, which wasn’t much. But it was obvious that, no matter how smoothly it went, the hysterosalpingogram was no picnic. But it also offered important information that they wanted. A dye would be flushed into her and they would see it move through her tubes on a TV screen. It would show any deformities in her uterus, tumors that might have escaped the scan, and blockage of her tubes, which Dr. Johnston now had a faint suspicion might be the problem. He told Diana that if they did the hysterosalpingogram and it was normal, there would be no need to proceed any further. She could assume that eventually she’d probably conceive and she and Andy could stop worrying about their reproductive organs. If, however, the HSG showed anything unusual, they could do a laparoscopy later that month, and they would have all their final answers. He didn’t believe in torturing patients for months with unnecessary tests or longdrawn-out answers. Since her ovulations had proven to be normal and her mucus and his sperm were both normal and compatible, the only thing he wanted to see now was that her tubes were indeed clear, and then the testing would be over.

  “What do you think?” Dr. Johnston asked Diana on the phone. “Do you want to do the HSG this month and get it over with, or wait and try again? We can wait of course.” But the truth was he didn’t recommend waiting. He didn’t believe in breaking one’s heart repeatedly, trying again and again when there was no hope, or an unresolved problem.

  “I need to think about it tonight,” she said nervously. “I’ll call you back tomorrow.”

  “Fine.”

  She felt as though she never got away from him anymore. For the past month, they had scarcely seen their friends, she couldn’t concentrate on her work, didn’t want to see her family. And even Andy had stopped calling his brothers. All they did instead was take temperatures, make out charts, get tests, and run to doctors. Dr. Johnston had warned them it would be like that, and he had also mentioned that a therapist could be very helpful. But they had no time for that either. They were too busy working, and doing their tests, and trying to support each other through what was beginning to feel like a constant crisis.

  “What do you think, sweetheart?” Andy asked her gently that night. “Do you want to do the bingogram, or whatever they call it?” She smiled at him, she still wanted to know why they hadn’t gotten pregnant. And yet, this test really frightened her.

  “Will you go with me?” she asked anxiously, and he nodded.

  “Sure, if they’ll let me.”

  “Dr. Johnston said he would. He wants to do it on Friday.”

  “That’s a good day for me,” Andy said rapidly. “I don’t have any big meetings.”

  “Great. Then why don’t you have it done,” she said testily, and he backed off and went to make them both a cup of coffee. And when he came back, she looked up at him unhappily. She had made up her mind. It was worth it, just for the information.

  “Okay. I’ll do it.”

  “You’re a brave girl, Di.” He wasn’t sure how he would have felt in her place. So far, his share of the tests had been very easy.

  On Friday morning, they met the doctor at the hospital, and he explained the procedure to them in a small examining room, and he gave her two pain pills. A nurse applied an iodine solution to the area, another nurse administered atropine and glucagon to relax her muscles, and a moment later the dye was carefully inserted. Diana could see the pictures herself on the monitor, although they meant nothing to her. And fifteen minutes later, it was over. Her knees were shaking, and she had cramps, but she was relieved that it was finished, as was Andy, who thought she’d been incredibly brave. He had almost wished he could do it for her. And more than once, he had wondered if it was all worth it. He was beginning to doubt it. Why in God’s name did they need a baby?

  “You okay?” he asked Diana worriedly as she winced and sat up. But she nodded. She had survived and all she wanted to know now was what Dr. Johnston had seen there. He was conferring with two technicians standing by, and he and the radiologist were carefully studying one of the pictures. There was an area free of the dye that seemed to be holding their attention.

  “What’s happening?” Andy asked softly.

  “Well, we’ve got something interesting here.” Johnston turned to both of them. “We’ll see. We’ll talk about it later.” Andy and a nurse helped Diana clean up, while Johnston and his associate consulted the screen several times again, and eventually Diana sat down quietly with her clothes on. She still looked a little gray, but she looked calm as Johnston turned to face them.

  “How do you feel?” he asked gently, and she shrugged.

  “Like someone ran over me with a bulldozer,” she said honestly, and Andy put his arms around her and held her.

  “I think doing the test was well worth it,” Johnston said quietly. “We may have found our culprit. Your right tube looks like it’s blocked, Diana. And your left one looks a little hazy too. I’d really like to schedule you for a laparoscopy next week so we can see what this is all about. We may have found our answer.”

  “And if they’re blocked?” Diana looked very frightened. “Can you open them?”

  “Possibly. I don’t know yet. I’ll know a lot more after the laparoscopy.”

  “Shit,” she said, and stared at them, and then at Andy. She hadn’t been prepared for bad news. And even knowing that there was indeed a problem wasn’t the relief she had thought it would be.

  She scheduled the laparoscopy with him the following week. It was a surgical procedure that involved a small incision near her belly button through which they would insert a telescope that would allow them to see her tubes, her uterus, the entire area, and any possible obstructions. And this time, he promised there would be no pain. It would be done under general anesthesia.

  “And then? Afterward?” she asked, wanting to know it all now.

  “We’ll know where we stand, Diana. But the HSG told me that we’ve been right to be aggressively persistent.” She didn’t know whether to be grateful to him or hate him, but they thanked him and left the hospital half an hour later. And instead of relief after getting through a difficult test, now she had surgery to look forward to the following week. It was almost too much to think of. And she felt ten thousand years old as she walked into their house and picked up the phone mechanically when she heard it ringing.

  It was her sister, Sam, wanting to know how she was. She was the last person on earth Diana wanted to talk to.

  “Hi, Sam. I’m fine. How are you?”

  “Fat,” her sister complained. She always got enormous during pregnancy, and she was now three and a half months pregnant. “You sound awful. Is something wrong?”

  “I’ve got the flu. I’d better go.”

  “Okay, love, take care. I’ll call you in a few days.” Don’t, Diana whispered to herself as she hung up the phone … don’t call me again … ever … don’t tell me how fat you are … how pregnant you are … about your children or your baby …

  “Who was that?” Andy walked in just behind her.

  “Sam,” she said tonelessly.

  “Oh.” He understood immediately. “You shouldn’t talk to her. Don’t answer the phone anymore. I’ll tell her you’re out.” But Andy’s brother, Greg, was no better when he called them that night and asked when they were going to have a baby.

  “When you grow up,” Andy joked with him, but the remark hurt even him. And it would have killed Diana.

  “Don’t count on that,” his brother said.

  “I figured.”

  He also wanted to come and visit for Labor Day, and Andy didn’t think he should. He didn’t know how she’d feel after the laparoscopy the next week, and Labor Day was just around the corner. Maybe she’d be really depressed by then … or having surgery … or maybe even pregnant. It was impossible to make plans anymore, or even lead a normal life. Sometimes Andy wondered how other people stood it, or even afforded it. So far, the tests had been incred
ibly expensive. And the laparoscopy was going to be even more so.

  Greg said he understood and he’d come out another time. Andy had told him he was just too busy at work to have houseguests, which made him sound unfriendly. But it was better than telling him what a mess their life was at the moment.

  “It’s turning our life to shit, isn’t it?” Diana said sadly as they ate dinner in their kitchen that night. The house seemed too large for them now. There were too many rooms they didn’t use, a whole floor of bedrooms they might never have any use for.

  “We can’t let that happen, sweetheart,” Andy insisted valiantly. “And the doctor’s right, by the end of August, we’ll know everything, and then we can take it from there. If something’s wrong, they can probably fix it in no time.”

  “And if they can’t?”

  “We have to live with it, don’t we? There are a lot of possibilities.” He’d been reading a lot lately about in vitro fertilization.

  “I won’t let you just ‘live with it,’” she said, as her eyes filled with tears. “I’d rather divorce you and let you marry someone who can have children.”

  “Don’t be stupid.” Just hearing her say that to him, and knowing how she felt, upset him deeply. “We can adopt, if nothing else.”

  “Why should you? You don’t need to do that. You’re not the problem. I am.”

  “Maybe no one is. Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe the blockage he saw is something you ate for lunch, for chrissake. Okay? Why don’t you just wait till we find out.” He raised his voice at her, and then shook his head. She was right. It was turning their life to shit. And the strain was telling on both of them.

  “Yeah,” she said sadly, “maybe it’s raisins.” But Andy didn’t smile at her this time, he just couldn’t.

  The days before the laparoscopy seemed to drag, and then suddenly it was Friday. Diana hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since the night before, and Andy drove her to the hospital early that morning. They gave her a shot almost as soon as she got in this time, and they wheeled her away as she gazed sleepily at Andy and waved. And when they brought her back to him at noon, she was still very groggy. But Alex Johnston had already been to see him by then, and Andy knew all the bad news, before she did. Andy said nothing to her when she came to, and Dr. Johnston came back to see them that afternoon and tell them the entire story.