AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION Chapter 1

by PP

  “You Masons are so arrogant,” said the Lion of the Forest, as he cut the radio transmission.

  “He sounds like he suspects the Shenandoah is buried under our casino,” said Lopez.

  “Yes, but he can’t do anything about it. Suspend all door to door searches unless the search is based on reliable intelligence. What was that last part about Masons?”

  “Who knows? I think he is going mucho loco,” said Lieutenant Lopez.

  * * * * *

  The monitor dragon tracked Guido’s scent to the new safe house. Now dawn, he climbed a nearby tree to stay cool and to watch. Spiders came and went all day. Through a window the dragon could see movement inside the safe house. Spiders would tap three times on the floor. A sentry would open a hidden trap door. The dragon watched until night came again. The monitor dragon stayed in the tree because the perimeter of the safe house was well lit, and a video camera panned back and forth from atop the roof.

  At about midnight, the lights for the entire city went out. The dragon slithered down from his perch and approached the front door. With its paw the dragon turned the door knob. The door silently opened. Inside the safe house was total darkness, but the dragon could see perfectly. Night time was the dragon’s natural time to hunt, and its eyes adjusted well to the darkness. He could smell a spider off in one of the side rooms. The spider was sleeping in a bed. The freedom fighter was easily killed. The dragon ate a few choice cuts of meat and then moved on.

  Standing in the middle of the living room, the dragon stomped three times on the trap door. The tunnel door opened. A flashlight lit up the room, but the spider sentry never saw the dragon crouched to the side. Taken by the throat, the sentry died quickly. His head was ripped off and cast aside. The dragon entered the tunnel system beneath Disneyland, following the scent of Private Guido Tonelli.

  * * * * *

  “Tell me again why I am here,” I mumbled to Lieutenant Lopez as I looked out at the audience of spiders. They all seemed to be smoking imported cigarettes and cigars. “We need a no smoking sign for public buildings.” I added.

  “You are the defacto Mayor of Disneyland,” whispered Lopez. “The precedent you set tonight will help establish the civil authority we are trying to build.”

  With the strike of a gavel on the table, I called to order the first City Council meeting for the City of Disneyland. “I see we have a good crowd. Before I refuse to take your questions, let me make an opening statement. This is our first open Council meeting. Let’s make it productive. Any new business?”

  “Yes,” said one of the city council members. “The garbage is not being picked up.”

  “That is because someone blew up our old dump truck,” I explained.

  “Can’t the military provide us with another few trucks?” asked the City Council member. “My neighbors are dumping their trash in my front yard.”

  “No,” I said. “Local taxes will have to be used to replace the truck. We will work within the city budget because the Legion is not paying for a new dump truck.”

  “How come our phones don’t work anymore?” asked a member of the audience. “Nothing seems to work since the Legion occupied our city.”

  “The phones don’t work because insurgents blew up all the cell phone towers,” I said. “Think about that next time you give aid to the terrorists.”

  “We are not helping the insurgency,” said an irate spider. “We just want to get on with our lives and live in peace. We want our city back to normal.”

  “Who keeps turning off the electricity?” asked another spider.

  “I did that because I was pissed off about the dump truck and the cell phone towers being blown up,” I admitted. “Also, we used the cover of darkness to move troops.”

  That answer upset everyone. They soon shouted more complaints, including neglected pot holes in the streets, rude legionnaires, speeding military vehicles, soldiers shooting guns inside the city limits, knocked down street signs, no fresh groceries, bad tasting water, sewer smell, the curfew, the high cost of tobacco, and sonic booms from the air force. “We don’t believe FOX News is fair and balanced,” someone added.

  “City Hall will give all of your complaints priority attention,” I said, “but everything takes time as we marshal our resources. On the positive side, voter registration is robust. General Kalipetsis is a little dismayed most of you are registering as democrats, but no process is perfect.”

  “You are our mayor, but we did not elect you,” complained another spider. “You impose taxation with out representation.”

  “If you think taxation without representation is bad, you should see taxation with representation,” I replied.

  A spider waved his claw at me and asked, “What are you doing about the packs of javelina running wild in our streets at night? They are a menace.”

  “What?” I asked. “Who said that? Step forward.”

  “There are packs of javelina roaming the streets killing citizens,” said the young spider. “The javelina were turned loose on us by the military. Something needs to be done.” The javelina are even loose in the tunnels, thought the young spider. I could hear his thoughts with my special sunglasses.

  “The military denies deliberately releasing javelina anywhere in Disneyland,” I said. “Have you personally seen javelina?”

  “No one sees javelina until it’s too late,” said the young spider. They have killed four freedom fighters in the tunnels, he thought to himself. You human pestilence are responsible. “What are you going to do about the javelina?”

  “Arrest him,” I ordered. Legionnaires and spider police grabbed the young spider and carted him away, kicking and screaming. “Any more stupid questions? Good. Meeting adjourned.” I pounded the table with my gavel.

  “I do not think that went well,” commented Lieutenant Lopez. “I am feeling no love here.”

  “That spider was an insurgent,” I said. “I could read his thoughts.”

  “Whatever,” said Lopez. “You need more tact. Haven’t you ever heard of group dynamics? You need to explain your actions to the Council and to the audience.”

  “Fine,” I said, pounding the gavel again. “That turd we arrested was a known insurgent. I’m surprised he showed up here at City Hall. He will be interrogated by Legion and local police. At the next City Council meeting, a report will be given about the matter and his execution.”

  “He may or may not be an insurgent,” said a City Council member. “We have all seen the javelina warning signs you had posted. What concerns me is your apparent lack of sympathy for our problems.”

  “Sympathy?” I asked. “You want sympathy? You will find ‘sympathy’ in the dictionary somewhere between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.’ There will be no sympathy from me until I get Private Tonelli back, and you spiders stop exploding bombs all over town.”

  Spiders immediately began accessing the data base on their notepads. ‘Shit’ they understood. ‘Syphilis’ was a new word. The definition, ‘a chronic infectious venereal disease caused by a spirochete,’ did not sit well with them.

  “What is syphilis?” asked the City Council member.

  “It’s what you all are going to get if you keep messing with me,” I warned. “This meeting is over!”

  “Smooth,” said Lieutenant Lopez. “I’m glad you took my advice about using tact.”

  “How would you like to be Mayor of Disneyland?” I asked.

  “How would I like to be Mickey Mouse?” asked Lopez. “I don’t think so.”

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  CHAPTER 4

  Interrogation of the young terrorist produced the location of ten safe houses. All were surrounded before being bombed by precision guided kinetic rounds – 3,000 pounds of concrete – dropped from space by the T. Roosevelt weapons platform. There were no survivors. Legionnaires digging through the debris found tunnels. Because the tunnels were booby-trapped, the decision was made to pump nerve agent and mustard
gas into them instead of entering. The tunnels were then sealed.

  * * * * *

  “Do you not like money?” asked Guido Tonelli.

  “Of course I do,” said the dragon leader. “Do not try to bribe me.”

  “I am trying to save your life. These tunnels are a death trap. Help me escape. Together we can salvage the Shenandoah and go into business together.”

  “Betray the cause?” asked the dragon leader. “I am not a traitor.”

  “Neither am I,” said Guido. “But the Lion of the Forest is a fool. It’s only a matter of time before he gets you killed. Life is too short not to get a big payday for all the risk you take.”

  “What is your incentive not to kill me after I set you free?” asked the dragon leader.

  “I need you,” explained Guido. “I know where the starship is located, but I need your help and the help of your mates to get to it. And, I need a crew.”

  “Why do you trust me?” asked the dragon leader. “I might kill you after I get the starship.”

  “You have heard me talk to the Lion of the Forest about the La Costra Nostra,” said Guido. “The Mafia exists on both our worlds. Your life would not be worth two cents if you crossed me. You would be hunted down no matter where you flee. Stay with me, however, and you will be a well respected Don. You will have power and money. You will be a well-connected prince of the galaxy.”

  The dragon leader gave the matter some thought. Explosions from above rocked the tunnel. The safe houses were being attacked. He listened to radio reports of more javelina victims, and now reports of chemical warfare being used by the Legion to root them out. The Lion of the Forest truly is a fanatic, thought the dragon leader. When he rants about the human pestilence, he can’t change his mind, and he won’t change the subject. The Lion of the Forest started a war when there was prosperity, defying both the Legion and his own Emperor. That makes the Lion of the Forest the true traitor, and a fool.

  “I know where there is a car we can use to leave the city,” said the dragon leader. “If you drive, we could get past the roadblocks.”

  “That is a good plan,” said Guido. “And you can get more spiders and a tunneling machine?”

  “Just say when and where,” said the dragon leader. He drew a large combat knife and cut Guido’s webbed restraints.

  “The Shenandoah is buried under the DMZ,” said Guido. “May I have a gun?”

  “Find your own. There is some unfinished business I need to take care of first,” said the dragon leader as he led Guido and a guard a few hundred yards down a tunnel. At an intersection stood a large air force nuke leaning against the wall. The dragon leader wiped off the dust, then set the timer. “Now we can leave for the DMZ.”

  “What is this all about?” asked Guido, motioning at the big green nuke.

  “We are directly below City Hall,” said the dragon leader. “The timer is set for next Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. The nuke will take out the next City Council meeting. Hopefully it will also kill Captain Czerinski. Do you have a problem with that?”

  “No,” said Guido. “Do your thing.”

  “Good. I am glad you are not getting sentimental,” said the dragon leader. “We are La Costra Nostra together now. This is just the business of payback.”

  “It seems like the waste of a perfectly good nuke,” said Guido. “But it is your nuke. As long as we are not still hooked up with that kook, Lion of the Forest, I am a happy camper.”

  “I don’t like to leave my enemies alive,” said the dragon leader.

  “You learn fast,” said Guido.

  “The Lion of the Forest was at one of the safe houses when the Legion attacked,” said the dragon leader. “I doubt we need worry about him.”

  After double-checking the setting on the timer, the dragon leader picked up an old tarp to help conceal the nuke. Guido’s monitor dragon, hiding under the tarp, pounced and killed the dragon leader instantly with a bite to the throat. The other spider tried to unsling his assault rifle and bring it to bear, but Guido kicked the rifle aside. The dragon then took the life of the second spider, ripping his head off. The dragon turned his attention to Guido, backing him into a corner. Guido held out his hand for the dragon to smell.

  “It’s me, lizard,” said Guido. “Remember your friend Guido. Your master. The nice Italian boy who took you to the vet when you were left for dead in the trash.” Oh God, don’t let him eat me.

  The dragon sniffed Guido’s hand, then nuzzled it. Then the dragon went back over to the spiders and had lunch. Guido glanced at the nuke. It was still ticking. I always wanted one of these, he thought to himself. The blue wire or the red wire? Guido flicked the switch that said STOP. The nuke quit its countdown. He then gathered up the spiders’ assault rifles and ammunition.

  “Come on, Spot,” said Guido. “We still have a starship to heist.”

  More spider soldiers appeared down the tunnel. Guido ducked behind the intersection corner and fired his assault rifle. Spiders returned force. Guido fired off a couple grenades. After the smoke cleared, a spider called out to him, “Surrender or you will die. We have you out-numbered, and we have a machine gun.”

  “I have a nuke,” Guido yelled back, “so you surrender.”

  “The Legion is gassing the tunnel with nerve agent,” said the spider. “Surrender, or we all will die.”

  “I laugh at death,” replied Guido. “Go a different way.”

  “There is only one way south,” said the spider. “Just let us pass, and you will not be harmed.”

  “Nuts!” said Guido. “Non mi arrendero!”

  “Are you insane?” asked the spider. “Do you want to die?”

  “Si, sono inano,” said Guido. The dragon let out a scream. “I joined the Legion because I am insane and I seek death. You surrender or I will let my pet Spot eat you alive. You will plead for the gas to kill you.”

  Death is a fearful thing. Twenty seven spider freedom fighters threw down their assault rifles and surrendered. Guido escorted them up a ladder into the middle of City Hall. An officious spider clerk yelled at Guido, “There is no court today!” She pointed to the exit. “Get those prisoners out of here, or I will be talking to your commanding officer.”

  Out on the street, Guido came upon two legionnaires manning a machine gun positioned behind a circle of sand bags.

  “You are not leaving those prisoners here,” said Private Williams. “You better take them down the street and talk to Sergeant Green.”

  “Have you searched all those prisoners?” asked Private Washington. “They look like they are still carrying their equipment.”

  “They let spiders in the Legion?” asked Guido, looking at Washington.

  “If they will let Italians in the Legion, they will let anyone in,” replied Private Williams.

  “I am from New York,” said Guido, giving Williams a raised forearm gesture.

  “Where did you get the dragon?” asked Private Washington.

  “They let him in the Legion too,” said Guido as he led his prisoners down the street.

  At the next intersection, Sergeant Green and a squad of legionnaires were pumping gas down a sewer hole. Sergeant Green confronted Guido. “Where the hell are you going with all these prisoners?”

  “Sono perso,” answered Guido. “I don’t know.”

  “Idiot,” said Sergeant Green. “What unit are you in?”

  “I don’t know that, either,” said Guido. “I got separated from everyone on my first day here. All I know is Captain Czerinski is my commanding officer.”

  “Great. You are one of my new recruits,” said Sergeant Green. “Who ordered you to move these prisoners all by yourself? We are in a combat situation here. Spiders are popping out of their holes everywhere. You can’t be escorting this many prisoners all by yourself!”

  “I brought them up through City Hall,” said Guido. “A spider clerk there said they could not stay at City Hall. Two legionnaires down the street sent me to you.”

&nb
sp; “Where were you ordered to take them?” asked Sergeant Green. Dumb Euro-trash. Where do we get these guys? he wondered. “Answer me!”

  “These prisoners surrendered to me down in the tunnels,” said Guido. “Le do questi prigionieri.”

  “What do you mean, they surrendered to you? You and who else?” asked Sergeant Green. Green ripped off his gas mask and took a closer look at the sloppy private. He was unshaven, dirty, and stunk. The legionnaire had spider assault rifles slung over his shoulder and spider-made grenades hanging from his belt. He looked more like Rambo than Private Washington. But his name tag said ‘Tonelli.’ Sergeant Green noticed the dragon and took a step back.