“Getting a little desperate, huh?”
I shook my head, confused. I wasn’t desperate, just in love. I wanted to share something new with him.
“Oh, Mandy, did you really think I was going to stay with you? When there were so many other women out there. We’re only 18. And I’m here to have fun, not get sucked into a relationship with the first girl I see. Especially not one who looks like you.”
At that point I looked past him to the svelte blonde in his bed. I was shocked, but she was sneering at me. I stumbled backward into the hallway, pulling my coat tight around myself. I ran back to my dorm room and cried myself to sleep.
Xander wasn’t Dave. I told myself that over and over again. He wasn’t nearly as cruel as Dave had been, nowhere near the evil bastard, but he still didn’t want me. I had to accept that all over again. And I wasn’t sure how to start over again with hope.
Six
I spent the next few days wallowing in misery. I avoided talking to everyone at work and even kept my calls with my friends short. Claire tried to get me to go over to her house one night, but I just didn’t have it in me.
The worst part was I didn’t even really know why I was so upset. I mean, it’s not like we were dating or even involved in any way. I knew I was overreacting to the whole situation. There was just something about it that made me feel like I’d missed out on something amazing with Xander.
At work I felt Melody hovering most of the time. She knew I was supposed to meet Xander Tuesday and kept trying to corner me. I made sure I was on the phone at all times. If I wasn’t on the phone I ducked into the bathroom. I ate my lunch in my car instead of at my desk.
I was hiding.
From a woman half my size.
I just didn’t want to hear it. I knew she could tell things hadn’t gone well, and I wasn’t in the mood for her to taunt me with it.
The only good thing that happened that week was I decided I was definitely going to apply for Diana’s job. I couldn’t sit back and let my life pass me by any longer. And if I wasn’t going to have a man in my life, I could at least make sure I didn’t lose my job when Melody got promoted over me, and then promptly fired me.
After lunch Friday I was walking back to my desk when I heard Melody call my name. I walked faster, hoping to get on a call before she caught up with me. The click of her heels was dull on the short carpet in the work area, but I could still hear it clearly behind me. Getting closer.
“Excuse me, Mandy, I need your help with something,” she said loudly. I knew it was only for the benefit of others around us so I would be forced to stop. Diana poked her head out of her cubicle and I took a deep breath as I stopped.
I turned around and planted a smile on my face. “What can I do for your Melody?”
“Oh, I was just wondering if you’ve heard from Mr. Carlson again. I heard you handled his claim last week, after I talked to him the week before. Diana told me you pointed out something you thought I should have picked up on. We’re lucky you took care of it. Has he been back in touch with you?”
I took a deep breath. I didn’t know how she’d put it all together but she figured out who Xander was. And now was using work to get information about our date.
“No, Melody. I haven’t spoken to him since last week.”
“Oh, really? I thought you were going to see him Tuesday,” she whispered.
My spine stiffened in response and I met her eyes. I saw the challenge in hers, daring me to say anything inappropriate. As far as anyone else could tell she was asking me about a customer, not about my personal life. Melody knew the rules just as well as I did, and she knew I’d pushed the line by going out with a customer.
“Yes, I saw him Tuesday,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Hmm, and you haven’t heard from him again? Not a big shock.” She looked me up and down, making her point clear. “If I’d known he was so cute, I might have gone above and beyond to make sure he was so grateful to me. Of course, if he’d taken me out I’m sure he would have called me back.”
Bile rose in my throat as I imagined Melody going after Xander. She was exactly the sort of woman someone like him would probably be interested in. He wouldn’t have overlooked Melody, dismissing her like she didn’t exist.
“Is there anything else, Melody?” I asked sweetly, swallowing the tears that threatened.
“No, I think that about covers it,” she said and turned to her desk. I watched her sashay away and wondered if I would get fired for throwing a stapler at her.
Guessing I shouldn’t push it, I resumed my walk to my own desk. I sat down and breathed a sigh of relief. As much as I didn’t want to talk about Xander with Melody, having it done meant I could breathe a little easier.
Even if it sent images of the two of them together into my brain.
I sent Claire a quick text and asked her if we could get together over the weekend. Melody might have made me face my disappointment over Xander again, but she also helped me remember that I needed to move on.
My phone buzzed with a reply from Claire saying she’d call Sam and Addi and we’d all try to get together for wine and chocolate, our weekend stand-by when we could crash at someone’s house. Usually everyone came to my house because I had the space to accommodate us all. I could use the company.
Smiling from my impending weekend plans, I dialed in to the phone service and reactivated my phone so calls would get routed to me. Within a few minutes my phone rang.
“Western New York Health, this is Mandy. How can I help you?” I said as I answered the phone.
“Hi Mandy. How are you today?” the voice said softly in my ear. Xander. What the hell was he doing calling me?
And what the hell were my nipples doing standing up to hear what he had to say?
“I’m fine,” I ground out. “How are you doing today?”
“Well, see, that’s why I’m calling, Mandy. I have a little bit of a problem. I called last week and talked to a woman, strangely enough she was also named Mandy. She was sweet and sexy sounding. I really enjoyed talking to her.”
“Uh huh,” I said, wondering where in the hell he was going with the whole thing.
“Well, see, I asked her out for hot chocolate, she doesn’t like coffee, and a woman showed up, but it wasn’t the same one.”
“Oh, really?” I quipped. I was starting to get pissed. He actually believed I wasn’t the same woman. That a fat woman had pretended to be me and gone in my place. He was a fucking crazy person.
“Yeah, well, let me explain. See she sounded the same, had the same seductive voice. The problem was this woman had an attitude I wasn’t expecting. The woman on the phone is confident and sure of herself. She’s sexy because she knows who she is. She made me want to get to know her, which is why I asked her out. The woman who met me came in with a chip on her shoulder and never really gave me a chance. She basically blew me off without really talking to me and then walked away from me. I was crushed. It’s taken me days to get up the courage to call you for help.”
He couldn’t be serious. He was calling me to bitch about me. To challenge my attitude. Okay, so maybe I didn’t give him much of a chance, but why would I? He said he didn’t date fat girls.
“You were crushed? I find that hard to believe. You could have snapped your fingers and had a handful of women half my size and twice as hot drooling over you,” I stated blandly.
He laughed softly. “So this is because I’m good looking? Do you think pretty people don’t get hurt when someone implies things about them? Do you think I wouldn’t be interested in you because you don’t look like you need a few dozen cheeseburgers to get healthy? Just because I’m attractive I’m automatically shallow? Is that it?”
I stammered over my words. I didn’t know what to say to him. Suddenly I felt like a first class asshole.
“I’m sorry I implied that.”
“No, you’re not. You meant it. And I understand. The thing is, Mandy, I wish the woman from the phone had shown up.
The sexy, sassy one. The one I was interested in. The woman who was there, she was bitter and took it out on me. I don’t know what happened in her past to make her feel like she couldn’t trust me, but I’d love to know what it was. In fact, I’d love to know pretty much everything about her.”
“Why?” I breathed. He had to be teasing me, drawing it out so I would fall for him and he could crush me.
“Because the woman on the phone was sweet and sexy sounding and I liked her. She was nice to me and showed me that she’s really someone who cares about others. She made me believe that maybe there is good in the world. Even if she isn’t my personal happily ever after, I’d like the chance to get to know her and find out if she could be.”
Tears trickled down my cheeks. He was good. He was really good.
“A guy that looks like you would never go for a woman that looks like me. It just doesn’t happen.”
“If that’s the case, then you’ll have to explain to me why I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. When I close my eyes I put your phone personality with your look and I dream about you. Mandy, I want to see you, the real you. I want to watch you as you laugh, to see that beautiful smile on your face and know I put it there.”
“Are you for real? I mean, really? Because I can’t take it if you’re playing with me,” I told him honestly. If he was playing with me, the reality was he wouldn’t likely admit it. But maybe my confession would make him think twice about deceiving me.
“Mandy, I’m completely serious. I know what you look like, I know who you are. All I’m asking is for a chance to get to know you, for us to get to know each other.”
I took a deep breath and wiped the tears from my cheeks. He sounded sincere, like he meant it. Could I trust him? Was he being honest?
I knew I had a choice to make. I could either choose to trust his intentions were true and leap, or I could believe he was the same as my ex and blow him off.
Silently, I contemplated the options, knowing I only had a few moments. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think he was different. He was the one guy out there who thought I was beautiful. But old habits died hard.
“Mandy, I know you have no reason to trust me, but you also have no reason not to. It’s hard to meet someone new, trust me, I understand that. But think about it this way, I asked you out before I knew what you looked like. I wasn’t attracted to your body, I was attracted to your personality. I hope that means something.”
He was right. Addi said the same thing and I didn’t want to listen to her, but it was the truth. I only had one question.
“Did you picture what I would look like before we met?”
I had to know. His silence gave me the answer I was afraid of, but then he spoke. “I tried to. I wondered who could embody such an amazing spirit and voice. But every time I tried to picture you it muddied. At the most I could see eyes, soft green eyes, but that was the only thing that was ever clear. I felt like I wasn’t given a picture of you because I wasn’t supposed to have an idea of who you were. The truth is, I couldn’t have dreamed up a more beautiful woman than you.”
Tears sprang freely from my eyes. I covered my mouth with my hand and cradled the phone to my ear. “I don’t feel that way, I’ll be honest with you.”
“But you are. We never see ourselves the way others see us. You say I’m attractive but I only see me. I don’t see what women see, I just see me. And I see you. I want to see more of you. What do you think?”
Oh damn, he was already talking about sex. I was not ready for that.
“Shit, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant I want to get to know you. The real you. What I’m actually wondering is if you will give me your phone number, your personal number, not at work. Then we can talk, get to know each other, and go from there. If we hit it off the way I think we will, we’ll go on another date. And hopefully you won’t worry about me being a jerk if you’ve gotten to know me a bit better.”
I nodded. What he said made sense. If I was worried about him being too hot for me, taking our appearance out of the equation could allow me to think he was just some invisible guy, instead of the hottest man I’d ever met.
He was pretty damn smart.
“Okay.”
“Okay? Did you say okay?” he asked. I heard the excitement in his voice. It wasn’t something he could fake. It was real, genuine. He really wanted to get to know me.
“Yes, I’ll give you my number. We can get to know each other and go from there.”
“I’m going to give you my number too so you know who you’re getting a call from. I never answer calls from people I don’t know and I’m guessing you’re the same.”
I smiled into the phone, thinking how similar we were despite our obvious differences. “You’re right. Thank you.”
We exchanged numbers and hung up the phone. I knew there was still a chance he wouldn’t call me, but it felt good to know I hadn’t given him my number and would be sitting around waiting for him. If he didn’t call, I could call him.
Or just go on with my life.
Before I put my phone away it buzzed. Ready for another text setting up plans from Claire, I was surprised to see Xander’s name come up.
My inbox held a message saying, ‘It was good to talk to you, the real Mandy. I look forward to getting to know you better. I’ll talk to you tonight.’
I smiled at my phone. Not only was he not ignoring me, but he already texted me. I sent him a quick text back that I was looking forward to hearing from him and tucked my phone away, anxious to hear from him later that night.
Seven
Xander called me every day for the next week. He texted me multiple times, too. He was the doting boyfriend, even though he wasn’t really my boyfriend.
We didn’t talk about having a relationship. It was there, thick and hovering over every conversation, but Xander didn’t bring up going out again. I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want to date me or if he was trying not to scare me off again.
I wanted to believe it was the second one, but most guys weren’t that patient. Rarely had I met a man who would even be willing to talk and get to know each other, over the phone especially, instead of jumping into something physical. I knew it wasn’t possible that he was as scared as I was, but he was holding back.
The following Friday night, a week after he convinced me to give him my number, he scheduled our call for late. I worried he was seeing someone else and put me off until after his date. By the time he called I was not only hurt, but I was fuming. I almost didn’t answer.
“Hello,” I snarled as I picked up the phone.
There was a pause on his end of the line. I knew he was wondering if he’d called the wrong person. “Mandy? What’s wrong? Why do you sound upset?”
“I’m not upset, why would I be?”
I laid it on thick, knowing he’d pick up on the sarcasm in my voice. He did.
“Oh really? Then how come the woman from the coffee shop is on the phone. What happened? Did Melody give you shit today? I told you not to worry about her.”
Is it bad that I was touched that the first thing he thought about was Melody? I’d complained about her all week, telling him how horrible she was in her attitude and how perfect in her appearance. He confessed women like her were exactly why he wanted to go out with me in the first place. A good body doesn’t mean a good personality. My words, not his.
I was also happy he didn’t automatically assume I was getting my period. Most men, especially my dad, thought the only time women got bitchy was when it was that time of the month. He used to lock himself in his office when my mom and I got our periods together. It was hilarious because whenever we wanted a night to ourselves, we would give him a little attitude and he’d disappear.
Thankfully he’d take my brother with him.
“I’m not upset over Melody. She didn’t even speak to me today. What were you up to earlier?”
“What do you mean? I was working today.”
I wasn’t sure if he was being purposely obtuse or if he was teasing me, but either way I didn’t like it.
“I mean why are you calling me so late?”
“Ahhhh,” he said directly into the phone. He finally caught on to my line of questioning, and my mood. “You think I was out with someone else, is that it? Really, Mandy? You’re the only one I’ve been able to think about for two weeks. You occupy my thoughts, only you. Why would I be out with someone else?”
Instantly I felt embarrassed and guilty. I’d accused him of cheating on me when there wasn’t really an us. You can’t cheat if you aren’t together.
But he did say he was only thinking about me. That’s good right?
Then again, he didn’t tell me what he was doing. That’s bad, right?
As if reading my mind he picked back up, “I was with my sister. I told you about her. We try to go to dinner about once a month together. We’re both always so busy that we don’t get to see each other much, but we’re still close. When she asked if we could go out Friday I agreed, but I didn’t want to miss our call.”
Wow, I was a jerk. I couldn’t comprehend being that close to my brother. We grew up fighting constantly and never liked each other. As adults, we only see each other at family gatherings, and even there we barely speak. It’s like we’re complete strangers.
“I’m sorry I was suspicious of you.”
“Honey, listen, I want you to be able to tell me what you’re thinking. We need to be honest with each other, even if the truth hurts sometimes. I want to be with you, and only you, and I’m not going to do anything to screw that up.”
He always knew what to say to make me feel better. I don’t know how he did it, but it was like he already knew me. Knew my heart. In a way, I guess he did.
“Thank you for not freaking out on me. I’ve never told anyone the things I tell you.”
He laughed softly. “Me too. It’s strange how connected I feel to you. Especially since I’ve only seen you once.”
“And I was a bitch,” I added.
He laughed again, harder this time. I heard rustling in the background and looked at my clock. It was almost ten and I wondered if he was going to bed. There was something about talking to a man in bed that was very sexy.
Chubby & Charming (Big & Beautiful Book 1) Page 5