I listened to them talk about schools and then Sam filled us in on her meeting with her bride from hell. Claire had a few new stories to share about the crazy things people try to carry onboard an airplane. The whole time they talked, I watched the door. I knew I would recognize Xander when he walked in. I’d certainly stared at his Facebook pictures enough.
I was listening to one of Claire’s stories when he arrived. At first I didn’t glance at him because the man walking in was so gorgeous it almost hurt to look at him. Then I realized it was Xander.
He quickly scanned the place, his eyes bouncing right past our table. My heart sunk as I realized he never gave me a look. He saw a bunch of fat girls and looked over us to find someone better.
I watched as he walked up to the counter. He leaned against it, his jeans threatening to drift from his narrow hips. His face lit into an immediate smile when the barista addressed him.
He was a flirt.
Great.
His dark hair was cut short, shorter than in his pictures, but it suited him. His angled jaw was lined with a faint beard, like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to grow it or not. He wore a long sleeved t-shirt with his jeans, a faded green color that made his hazel eyes look green. I stuffed the rest of my second cupcake in my mouth to stop me from drooling. He was turned from me so I saw his profile, the dimple in his left cheek, the bump of his chest muscles straining against his shirt, the soft ridges of his stomach, and the bulk of his arms.
Fuck, he could make a girl come just standing there.
I didn’t want to think he was hot. Certainly not that hot. I hoped the pictures were old and he had softened a little, maybe gotten slightly less gorgeous. Not even close.
He asked the barista if anyone had come in looking for him. She shook her head sadly, as if she had her sights set on him. How could she not? He thanked her for his coffee and walked to the table in the front corner, right next to the door. His jeans stretched over his perfect ass as he walked and my fingers twitched, wanting to feel those muscles in my hands.
When he sat, he glanced around again, then pulled out his phone, probably texting his friend Drew.
Crap, I hated that I knew what a perfect guy he was.
With Xander seated at his table I finally realized my table was silent. My friends had stopped talking and were staring at me instead. “What?” I snapped.
“Are you going to go talk to him?” Addi asked with a smirk.
“You go talk to him,” I snapped again. “You’re the skinny one.”
She snorted a laugh and quirked an eyebrow at me. “Skinny is a relative term in this circle. Come on, Mandy, you agreed to this date. Go over there and meet the hottie. If he was my date I’d already be in his lap.”
I looked at her like I knew she was full of shit. “He couldn’t hold me.”
“As much as you were staring I know you saw those muscles. He could probably hold all of us. Lucky for you, I neither share my men nor steal them from my friends. Besides, he’s here to meet you.”
“No, he’s not,” I said with disappointment. “He’s here to meet the hot version of me. The version who’s about half my size.”
“Mandy, he’s here to meet you. Now, go give the hot man a chance to prove he’s not the asshole you think he is,” Sam chastised me.
I huffed out my irritation and stood up, making my way toward him.
Somehow, I knew my life would never be the same again.
Five
Xander didn’t see me coming toward him. He never looked up from his phone. I was at his table, trying to figure out what to say, and he still didn’t know I was there.
Stupidly, I’d left my hot chocolate, now cold, at my table. Along with my purse and my sanity.
I finally cleared my throat and said, “Xander?”
He looked up slowly, appraising me as his eyes drifted to meet mine. It was like a slow, lazy caress. One that made my entire body light up. His eyes smiled at me and his lips quirked, as if he was trying to decide what to do with them. “Yes? Are you Mandy?”
He straightened in his seat when I nodded. He gestured toward the chair opposite him and I sat down, running my hands along my dress, trying to squash my nerves. He watched me, following my every move and making me even more anxious.
“It’s nice to put a face to that beautiful voice. Thank you for meeting me.”
The formality of his tone threw me. Already, after just a few seconds he was dismissing me.
“Forgive me, can I get you a hot chocolate?” He was halfway standing before I shook me head. What did it say that he remembered I liked hot chocolate but not coffee? Was that a good sign?
“I already had one. Thank you.”
He lowered himself back to his seat, his jeans tightening on his thighs and drawing my eyes. My gaze drifted between his legs to the small bulge at the apex of his jeans. Not hard, just huge.
I looked back up to his face when he sat and found him staring at me. “I didn’t see you come in. I was trying to watch for you.”
He sounded kind, but there was something in his voice that threw me. It wasn’t irritation or anger, it was disappointment. Of course.
“Actually, I was here earlier. My friends and I meet here every Tuesday so I was already here when you arrived.”
God, I sounded so formal. Not like myself. I hated that he was making me so nervous. I wanted to not care, to dismiss him as I knew he was dismissing me, but inside I was kicking myself for being there in the first place.
I should have known better.
His eyes drifted behind me to where Addi, Claire, and Sam sat, surely gawking at us. He nodded briefly, once, in their direction and I heard the soft peal of their giggles. They were suckers for a hot guy.
Then he turned his eyes on me.
Yep, I was a sucker for a hot guy, too.
I was sunk.
“You still didn’t trust me, did you? You worried I was some psycho?” he teased. His lips turned up at the edges as he lifted his cup to them. I watched his lips curl around the edge of the cup and wished I could be that cup.
I struggled to come up with a reasonable excuse for being there with my friends, something that made sense. Something better than the truth. I couldn’t admit to him that I expected him to be shallow and not interested in me because of my appearance. The only thing more humiliating than him not wanting me because I was fat would be having him admit it to my face.
“I’m just cautious. If you ended up a jerk, I wanted my friends here so I wouldn’t have to deal with it alone.”
He cocked his head to the side, a questioning look in his eyes. “Really? Why did you think I was a jerk? Was it something I said? I’m sorry if I came on too strong.”
“No, it wasn’t that, it’s just… I just don’t have that good of luck with men most of the time. I tend to be careful meeting someone completely new. If I knew anything about you I wouldn’t have thought twice about meeting you alone.”
He nodded, agreeing with me, but something in his eyes held me back from believing he understood.
“I get that, but that’s why I shared my background with you. So you would trust me. I thought you wanted to be here, but it sounds as though you feel like I forced you.”
I couldn’t believe he was doing it. He was turning around everything I said to make it seem like I was the one who wasn’t into the date. Like I was the one turning him down. It cleared his conscious so he could walk away believing I did it.
“I agreed on my own. I do appreciate the background, but you have to admit, it still doesn’t tell me much about who you really are. I know where you work, that you have a sister, and where you grew up, but I don’t really know you.”
His gaze felt like ice running over my skin. It brought goosebumps over my exposed skin and made my nipples stand on end. He looked predatory, like he was getting ready to stake his claim on me. Like he was pissed off and possessive all at once.
I’d never had a man look at me like that.
And I liked it.
“What do you want to know? I’ll tell you anything.”
I regarded him cautiously. What people say and what they do can be very different things. I still didn’t know him and had no idea if he would actually answer any questions, but I figured I’d give it a shot.
“How long was your last relationship?”
“Six months,” he said without missing a beat. If he was surprised that’s what I started with, he didn’t indicate it.
“When did it end?”
“Four months ago. And before you ask, I ended things because I realized she wasn’t right for me. She didn’t make me laugh anymore.”
“What’s the most important thing in a relationship?”
“Compatibility,” he answered, looking me straight in the eyes. I tried to see something in there, to see if he thought we were even remotely compatible but I had no clue.
“What constitutes compatibility to you?”
“Well, she has to be someone I can have a conversation with. Someone I can talk to and get along with. I like a woman who is sure of herself and knows who she is, not always looking for a man, or a job or her friends, to define her. I want someone who enjoys some of the same things I do, but is open to new activities.”
“What about sex?”
He paused, his coffee cup an inch from the table. He set it down carefully and met my eyes, muddy green drawing me in and making me forget both where we were and that we’d only just met. “What about sex, Mandy?”
My name on his lips was like heaven. I wanted to hear it again, a soft and perfect word that could have been a passionate sound or a dismissive one, but all I heard was passion.
Was he toying with me?
“Is sex important in determining compatibility?”
He took a sip of his coffee, watching me while he considered his next words. I’m sure he thought I was propositioning him, telling him I was ready and willing. Of course he would assume that. The fat girl was desperate so why wouldn’t she be begging for it.
“Sex is very important in determining compatibility. But I also think it’s one of the last things to figure out if it works. The first thing I notice in a woman is her smile. It’s why I wanted to meet you. Your laugh led me to believe you would have a gorgeous smile.”
He was carefully avoiding exactly what I wanted him to tell me. I wanted him to get it out there. Just tell me I was a fat, ugly cow and he’d never want me. That’s all I wanted from him, but he wouldn’t say it.
I guess I had to give him credit for being diplomatic.
“After a smile, what do you notice in a woman. Physically.”
“Physically?” he clarified with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Is this some sort of research project or something? I feel like I’m taking a test.”
No one should look as good as he did with one eyebrow raised. Most people looked silly, but on Xander nothing was silly. It was just downright sexy. He was teasing me, tormenting me into coming right out and asking him the direct question I was trying to avoid.
“Do you like fat girls? Like me? Let’s just get it out there.”
Xander sat back in his seat. All of a sudden the teasing and humor was gone from his face and a quiet seriousness took over his features. He looked menacing, strong. And pissed.
“I wouldn’t say you’re fat, Mandy, but honestly, I’ve never given much thought to the size of the women I date. I look for a woman whose company I enjoy and go from there.”
“Really, so you’ve dated fat women before,” I snarled at him. His answer avoided what I wanted to know and he knew it. He was trying to let me down easy and it was pissing me off. Just tell me the damn truth.
His gaze skirted over me, as if trying to figure out just how big I was. I sat firmly, my jaw set in a hard line to show him I wasn’t going to be some little pushover he could bang and forget. He wasn’t getting one over on me.
“Most of the women I’ve dated have been thin, yes. I would say you’re the biggest one I’ve gone out with.”
I nodded, willing the tears I felt stinging my eyes to stay inside until I walked away. “That’s what I thought. Well, thank you for reminding me of my place in the world.”
I stood up and walked back to my table where my friends sat gawking at me. I grabbed my purse and headed straight for the bathroom, ignoring Xander calling my name and the stares of my friends.
In the bathroom I let a few of the tears fall. It felt good to let them out, to clear the pain I felt. Even though I knew Xander wouldn’t like me, it hurt to hear he’d never date a fat woman. I don’t know why I bothered to go out with him in the first place. It really was just foolish on my part.
After a few minutes, I pulled myself together, splashing cold water on my eyes and reapplying my mascara. I walked out of the bathroom with my head held high and headed straight for my table. It was no big shock to find Xander’s table empty.
What was a surprise was the way my friends reacted.
“Why were you so mean to him?” Claire demanded. “He was nice to you.”
“You obviously didn’t hear him say he only dated skinny girls. If that wasn’t brushing me off I don’t know what was.”
Claire draped her arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. “I’m sorry. I wanted to believe he could be different. Of all people, I should know better.”
I wrapped my arm around her back and hugged her. “He wasn’t like that, Claire. I hope one day you can trust men again.”
Claire waved a hand dismissively. “This isn’t about me and my craziness. This is about you and yours.”
I laughed, feeling better already. “I thought maybe he would be different. Melody told me the other day that I was tricking him by not telling him what I looked like. I started to believe you were right, Addi, about him not caring what I looked like because he never asked. Unfortunately it looks like the smug bitch was right.”
My friends all looked ashamed, uncertain. They’d all been in the same position as me, thinking there might be a chance with a man and having it thrown back at them that we are too fat to be loved.
It still hurt.
Every.
Single.
Time.
We talked for a few more minutes, all agreeing that Xander was cute but not worth the trouble. My friends told me to move on and just live my life.
And for a second or two I thought I could go back. I thought it would be perfectly fine to go home and be okay.
When I got home that night, my cat, Zada, was waiting for me. I smiled at her meow and let her lead me to the kitchen.
I loved my condo. I’d bought it two years earlier and it was home, through and through. The only thing I wished it had was a garage, but other than that it was perfect for me.
In the corner of my kitchen I opened the pantry door and pulled out the bag of cat food. Zada wound herself through my legs as I scooped out her food and set the bowl in front of her. I turned back to the rest of my kitchen, trying to decide if I wanted to eat something.
The embarrassed side of me wanted to avoid dinner. Skipping a few meals would probably help me to drop a few pounds. Maybe if I skipped enough meals I could lose weight to be where someone thought I was beautiful.
The practical side of me said I was being crazy. I’d always been fat and it had become who I was. I didn’t want to admit just how depressing it was. I felt like something inside me snapped. Like I’d put all my hopes for my future into a guy who liked my voice. A guy who said nothing more than the sound of my voice attracted him. That made me believe my voice was enough. That I was enough.
Annoyed with my weakness I crossed the grey tile floor of my kitchen to my sleek stainless steel refrigerator. I opened the freezer and pulled out a container of cookie dough ice cream. I opened the drawer next to the fridge and grabbed a spoon. From the fridge I pulled out a bottle of pinot noir. Armed with my supplies, I went to the living room and settled into my oversized, extra deep, midnight blue couch.
I picked up my remote and turned on the TV. It was still on The Food Network and Cupcake Wars was on. I set the remote back down and drowned my sorrows in wine, ice cream, and virtual cupcakes.
My mind drifted back over my past, especially the relationship that still haunted me when I stopped fighting the memories.
The last time I lost myself was when I met Dave. It was my freshman year of college. Claire and I had just met Addi and Sam and we were settled into our weekends at the dorm. Dave was in class with Sam and joined us one night. He wasn’t a big partier and was happy to have something to do on his weekend.
At first we just talked. He would flirt with me a little, but for the most part we had a casual relationship. He started coming to our movie nights more regularly, usually finding a seat near me.
When he asked me out I felt special. It felt like he cared. I mean, we’d all been spending time together but he singled me out as the one he liked.
Our relationship started off slowly, but it picked up in no time. Within a few months we were sleeping together and spending the night at each other’s dorm rooms.
As our new semester started, we began to drift apart. Dave started getting busy and would blame it on studying. He always said he had a test or a project due.
One night I decided to surprise him. You can probably guess the rest of the story. I went to his room. I’d dressed sexy for him, buying something special. Lingerie. We’d never done anything like that before, but I felt grown up buying and wearing something sexy for my boyfriend.
I knew he would be home because he told me he’d be studying all night. I wanted to surprise him, so I knocked on the door and opened my jacket just slightly, enough that he would be able to see what I was hiding underneath but no one in the hall could see.
He opened the door wide, starting to yell at his roommate, who he thought was at the door. Instead he saw me and a slow smile crossed his face. He looked down over what I was wearing and sneered at me.
Chubby & Charming (Big & Beautiful Book 1) Page 4