Chapter 21
When I was sixteen…
Two days after the trip, Natalie and I sat in a booth at Jeeter’s working on chemistry equations. She kept an irritated look in my direction, showing off her new haircut. While I was on the camping trip from hell, Natalie got a black, chin length bob with fire engine red highlights.
“Pay attention,” she grumbled.
“What?”
“I’m starting to think you’re the dumbass, not him.”
I couldn’t focus. My mind stayed a complete, warped mess. Once I got back to Arlis, I tried to delay the inevitable as long as possible. I avoided every attempt Jess made to get us alone to talk. I half expected him to show up at midnight, tapping on my bedroom window, giving no opportunity for me to yell back with my father down the hall.
Hearing the bell tingle, I glanced up to see my favorite person walk through the door. My body physically shuttered at the mere presence of her smug face. The slits of the snake’s eyes settled on our back booth. She wore a tight, white tank top and pink shorts. Her shiny blond hair stood high on top of her head in a perky pony tail and matching pink bow. Ashley’s tan legs walked at a determined pace back to the booth, stopping in front of me.
“I thought I would find you here,” a sneering smile formed on her lips.
“Can I help you with something? We’re fresh out of vodka.”
“That’s more your thing, not mine. I just came to give you a little bit of advice.”
She rested a hand on the booth ledge, right behind my head. I heard the fake nails click against the metal. Ashley leaned in close to my face.
“You need to understand somethin’,” she said in low voice. “Everyone just feels sorry for you. You should hear them when you’re not around. Especially Jess,” she smirked at his name. “You humiliated him on the trip after he felt obligated to bring you. We all know why he drags you around everywhere. Dr. Mason found you like some nasty, abandoned puppy livin’ in your car. Eatin’ left over trash.”
Ashley leaned in a little closer, to the point I smelled her strawberry lip gloss. “You should stop embarrassin’ yourself and stop embarrassin’ Jess. The Masons don’t mind givin’ to charity, but no one wants to see it hangin’ around them every day. Are we clear?”
My heart beat fast, like the time I drank three cans of Red Bull.
“I’m glad we agree.” she smirked with an evil grin on her shiny lips. “Oh, and no need to thank me for the advice. Consider it a donation to a needy cause.”
The next few moments flashed in slow motion. I’m not sure what triggered the first step. Ashley turned to walk away. My arm slithered out and grabbed her bouncy ponytail. The hair felt silky in my fingers. I yanked hard, pulling her backwards toward the booth.
“You…you,” she growled, “bitch!”
My fingers stayed in a tight grasp, but Ashley pivoted around, slapping me across the jaw. I jumped from my seat and dove at that smug face. We tumbled into a table, knocking it over on the floor. I slapped her back hard against her pretty cheek, hoping it left a hand size bruise.
Charging forward, Ashley slammed my body against the booth divider. For a moment, I couldn’t breathe. I curled my fingers into a tight fist. With my full body weight, I hurled a punch aimed at the center of her face. Blood sprayed down the white tank top as I made contact with her nose.
The sound of hitting her flesh gave me satisfaction chills. It felt good; better than a box of crystal tea glasses smashing into a stained glass window.
Blood covered my fist, but I swung at her again. Ashley ducked and grabbed onto my legs. I lost my balance, falling down on the cement floor. She yanked a chuck of my red hair. Digging my nails into her arm, I scratched long, bloody marks in her skin until she let go.
I pinned her small body to the floor. Her flawless skin was caked in blood. Tears ran down her cheeks, smearing mascara under those long, stupid lashes. She blinked at me, begging for mercy. I didn’t care. I smiled an evil grin at her bleeding face.
Pulling back, I punched her square in the nose a second time. She tried to jab me in the neck, but I hit her again in the side. I continued to punch anything I could reach with my fists. All of sudden, my body lifted from the floor, sliding away from Ashley.
“Let me go!”
“That’s enough, Alex,” Caroline said.
As the room came back into focus, I realized Caroline had one side of my body and Natalie held the other. It took both of them to stop me from beating every bit of stuffing out of Ashley.
“Natalie, go get some ice and towels,” she said. “And give some to Mr. Landry.”
Shit, it was Wednesday. Mr. Landry always got a banana split on Wednesday. The older man bent down next to Ashley. She was completely covered in blood. The tight, white tank top was now cherry red; her hair yanked down and pulled in every direction. Even from ten feet away, the bloody claw marks glowed from her perfect skin.
Reaching up, I touched my throbbing face checking for damage. Sticky blood caked my fingertips from my busted lip. I looked around at the rest of the diner. Tables and chairs were tossed everywhere. The floor was a mess of blood-coated straws and hair.
My father walked in the door, making the bell tingle. Shit, someone already called him. I hated Arlis! The emotions played transparent across his face; shock to horror to disappointment. He didn’t utter a single word in my direction as he gave a lengthy apology to Caroline. He finally spoke, only to order me to the truck.
The drive home was painfully, quiet. His hands squeezed the steering wheel in a tight grasp as we drove in silence. My heart beat out of control, waiting for him to calm down.
“Alexandra,” my full name came out of his clenched jaw. “I need you to tell me what happened. You’re still grounded, but I need to understand why you did this.”
Absolutely, under no circumstance, could I tell my father why this happened. I just shrugged from my side of the truck.
“You need to talk to me. Why did you attack Ashley today?”
What had come over me? Why was today different? My mind tried to rationalize, but I knew it was plain simple. I flat-out had enough of Ashley Cartwright. I should be given an award for keeping my temper in check all these months. Unfortunately, my father could never find out the truth. No child wants a parent to know they have been bullied for being poor and homeless.
“Is it Jess? I know those two have been pretty close lately. Did you get jealous?”
“No Dad! It wasn’t about him. I can’t believe you even asked that.”
“I know you’re very attached to Jess. And he’s um… important to you. I’m not your mother, but you can talk to me about it.”
I panicked. The feeling came like an explosion from my stomach and spread to the rest of my body. This scenario failed to cross my mind before my father’s pointed questions. He just asked what every person would speculate at school. If they didn’t immediately jump to that conclusion; the sniveling gossips would tell them it was the truth. The lies would fill the hallways. Everyone would think I attached Ashley because of my insane jealousy over Jess. Shit! Shit! Shit!
“Alex?”
“This has nothing to do with him!”
“Don’t get that tone, Alex. I just don’t know what to think. I’m trying to understand why, but you aren’t giving me any explanation.”
“She’s just a bad person,” I muttered, trying to keep my voice steady.
“There’s not enough bad in her that would justify you doing something like this. I don’t know what to say. Did I not do something you needed? I know it’s hard just having me. I let you run wild on the ranch with that boy. I’m not saying he’s a bad boy, but it made you little tougher than others. It’s not an excuse though. Girls don’t beat up other girls in restaurants. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir,” I muttered.
I tuned out the rest of the car ride as my father droned on and on. He seemed to ignore the wounds across my own body from the fight. My
stomach hurt. I didn’t want to go to school tomorrow. The whispers would circle around every corner.
Later that evening, Jess slammed through the door without even knocking. I sat on the living room couch, trying to put an ice pack on my eye and lip at the same time with my swollen right hand.
“What the hell were you thinkin’!”
“I’m not doing this right now. Go home. I’m grounded anyway,” I said, muffled under the ice pack. The cold stung against my lip.
“Alex, you broke her damn nose!” His hands flung around with every angry word.
“I figured,” I muttered. “Why are you here and not at her house?”
“Because we’re no longer together!”
“I don’t understand?” I said, taking the ice pack down.
“How could I continue to date someone who treated you this way for months, Alex?”
“How do you know what happened?”
“How do you think? Natalie called me and decided I should know ‘bout Ashley since you were never gonna tell me. I could just…” I watched his fingers clench into a fist and then release. He paced around for a second and then sank down on the couch next to me.
“I just don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me? I even asked you,” Jess said, looking directly at me with his stormy eyes. “If you’d just told me, I’d taken care of it without you goin’ all fight club at Jeeter’s.”
“I don’t need you to fix things for me!” I spat, feeling the anger burn.
“Alex, it’s not fixin’ things, if it stops you from beatin’ the shit out of someone, or you gettin’ hurt. It should’ve never happened. You should’ve told me. You just let me date her while she was tormentin’ you.”
Jess leaned back against the couch cushion, staring at the ceiling. He let out a deep breath. His lungs pulled in air; over and over again, making the couch shake. In all these years, I’d never seen this boy so angry. After a few minutes, his body seemed to relax. Jess turned to look at me; his blue eyes filled with concern.
“You don’t really believe what Ashley said, do you?”
My eyes flittered up and then back down. “No, I just…” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say.” The words left me. It was the same reason I had never said anything to begin with to Jess. “You don’t understand. I know you try but it didn’t happen to you.”
“What don’t I understand?” he said back, softly.
“Moving here, living here. All of it,” I muttered through my swollen lip.
“I’m glad you moved here. I wish it was under different circumstances, but I’m glad you came. It’s not somethin’ you should ever doubt.”
“You’re not ever embarrassed? Always having me around and people knowing why?” I kept a steady gaze on the carpet. It was too difficult to watch his expression.
“Al, you were dealt a bad hand. I wasn’t. It’s not somethin’ either of us could control. But you and I bein’ friends? We chose it. At least I did, and it wasn’t because you lived in one of our houses on the ranch. I know my parents have done things for ya’ll. But honestly, I don’t even think about it.”
I pondered his words around for a moment. My life consisted of taking handouts from the Masons. At one point, my very existence depended on what they were willing to give us. I had a secret, time-consuming habit of focusing on a list I planned to pay back in the future. Jess on the other hand, never even thought about why I was here.
I was right. He didn’t comprehend the magnitude of Ashley’s words, or the circumstances that defined me. It wasn’t his fault. Like Jess said, I was dealt a bad hand and life had been pretty much perfect for him.
“I’m sorry for not saying anything,” I looked at him, squinting through my bad eye. “I know it involved you, but the things she did were about me. I thought I could take care of it. I just wanted to do something on my own for a change. Do you get that?”
“I guess, but you beat her up, Alex.”
“I know,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I know.”
“I could kill you right now,” he smiled weakly, shaking his head.
“And…I’m sorry about you breaking up. I know she was your girlfriend, and you liked her. You saw the good parts of her.” I wasn’t sure she had good parts, but something made that boy date her.
“Ashley and I weren’t exactly…in a real relationship.”
“It was just sex?”
I startled him when I said it. Jess refused to look at me and stared into the blank television. I heard him mutter, “Somethin’ like that.”
I regretted saying it. My skin felt hot with embarrassment. I really didn’t want to talk about Jess having sex with Ashley any more than he wanted to discuss it. My conscious still held an unspoken obligation.
“There’s something you should know. I um…I think Ashley cheated on you. I heard Katie Rae on the camping trip.”
“Evan Wiley?”
“You knew?”
“I had a pretty good idea. She got pissed when I took you to the Rangers game. Shit, I should have ended it back then. I really wish I never hooked up with her. It was stupid.”
“Stop it. This is not your fault.”
“But it’s my fault. I knew she was a bitch, but I was just tryin’ not to…I don’t know,” his voice went deeply quiet. “This is killin’ me, Al. You matter more to me than anyone else. You know that, right?”
“I know,” I muttered, feeling the heat on my cheeks.
“It bothers me to think she did those things to you. It’s like I just let it happen. Like I let Ashley hurt you. I even tried to make you be friends with her.” He let out a deep breath and gritted his jaw. “Just promise me you won’t do somethin’ like this again. You have to tell me.”
“I…I promise,” I nodded, feeling my head get dizzy.
During the fight, I think Ashley got a good punch in somewhere around my ear. I rubbed my forehead. “I feel…like hell.”
“You look like hell. Have you seen a mirror?”
“Briefly.”
My head hurt, but I had the satisfaction of knowing Ashley was sitting this very moment with a broken nose. Everyone wanted me to feel guilty about the fight, but redemption clouded any remorse. I fumbled the ice packs trying to get them over my eye and busted lip. My knuckles didn’t move very well when I clenched them.
“Here, let me help you.” Jess scooted over and put his arm around my shoulder. He held the large bag against my eye. I put one over my right hand and then held the other up to my lip.
My head rested against his chest. Jess must have come straight from football practice. His hair was still a little wet, and he smelled like ivory soap. I closed my eyes, letting myself relax. The throbbing in my face numbed under the packs. Feeling his body move up and down with each breath, I felt calmer than I had in months.
“I never said thank you for the other night. You know, staying with me,” I muttered.
“I was worried about you. You were covered in cheesy Doritos, babblin’ shit.”
“Ugg, no more Doritos. I’ve never felt that sick before.”
“You snore by the way when you’re drunk.”
“No, I don’t.”
“You do, like a pig snortin’ gravel.”
“That’s not funny.”
My father walked in the door. Seeing his eyes move from me then over to Jess, I panicked. Finding us both on the couch together just affirmed his questions from the car.
"Hey, Mr. Tanner,” Jess said, as I moved quickly to the other cushion. Before today, our friendship had never been an issue with my father.
“I guess you heard about Alex."
"Yeah, she’s promised not to do it again."
I shot a nonverbal, shut up. Less talking he did the better with my dad right now.
"Well, I have some news. I just talked to Frank. He’s got a list for you. Should be Thanksgiving by the time it’s done. Every spare moment outside school and Jeeter’s, you’ll be on the ranch doing whatever Frank tells
you to do. Understand?"
"Yes, sir," I mumbled.
"I can help you some," Jess offered, looking over at me.
"I don't think Alex needs your help on this one. Unless there's some reason you think she does?"
"No, Jess," I glared at him.
Despite my father being worried, he let Jess stay for dinner. Every mouth full of chili burned the cracks in my busted lip. Jess got increasingly quiet as the meal progressed. We chatted about the new horse Uncle Frank purchased over the weekend. Even that wasn't enough to pull out his usual pancake syrup voice of excitement.
After dinner, I walked him out on the porch. Jess sat down on the top step expecting me to join him. I lowered my aching body down next to him, knowing my father expected me to come immediately back inside the house. Jess watched the dark sky, silent and weary. Sometimes, I wondered what really went on under that shaggy mop of hair. I thought I knew this boy so well and then sometimes he was a complete mystery.
“Are you ok, Jess?”
He turned at the sound of my voice. His eyes seemed dark in the dim light, instead of the usual vibrant blue. Jess reached up to touch my swollen lip. “Guess I’m gonna have to look at that ugly face every time you talk now.”
“Don’t touch it. You’ll just make it worse.”
"I don't think that's possible." His fingertips traced around the puffiness then slipped down behind my neck. He pulled me close to his side, leaving his arm wrapped around my shoulders. The warmth of his body felt comforting. He went back to silent and brooding.
"You can talk to me, Jess."
“I know,” he said, letting out a deep breath. "I really messed everythin’ up with you."
"You didn't mess up anything. The bruises will go away and then it's like it never happened."
"But I can't help but feeling like it's my fault. And it's all because I thought… it was easier."
"Easier? That doesn't make sense. Easier than what? Being without her?"
"No, it's not that. Just let it go."
My father opened the door causing me to jump. "It’s getting late. You need to go home, Jess."
The Mason List Page 13