I took a few deep breaths and fought to get a grasp on the situation. He reached up and touched my face, making me look at him. “It’s ok.”
“No…no…it’s not.”
“I’ve thought ‘bout it a lot you know. You just look so pretty sometimes. I would watch you when you weren’t lookin’. Sometimes, I would imagine what it would be like to kiss you.” His fingers ran through my long red strands of hair. “I think ‘bout all of it, you know. You and me, being here together. It’s always been you, Alex. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“You can't be thinking about me,” I whispered.
“Why not?”
“Jess…you just can't. Not like that.” I turned to look into his blue eyes trying to reason with him. “We are just comfortable together. Familiar. I understand. It can get confusing. But that’s all it is. You don't really want me.”
“No, I do want you. That's the thing. I see you every day. I know you better than anyone else.” His index finger brushed across my cheekbone then trailed down my neck to my shoulder.
“You see these…I’ve watched every one of these freckles form on your skin. You have ‘em from all the time we spent here together. And I know in here.” His hand moved to rest lightly across the top of my left breast. “I know that you hate those freckles. And you’re afraid to cry because you see it as a weakness. And I know you look at me different than you do anyone else.”
“Jess…” I moved his hand off my chest.
“I know you feel somethin’ for me. What just happened was enough to prove it. You kissed me back, Al. You let me touch you and I know you liked it. But I know it’s scarin’ you too.”
He stopped talking. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to argue back or wait for all his words to sink into my thoughts. I knew he would never understand why this couldn't happen. The tension in my brain suffocated me.
I was vaguely aware of how damaged I was compared to most other girls. I had years and years of mental anguish caused by the death of a parent and losing one’s financial freedom. I was a homeless street urchin that became a walking, talking, bought-and-paid-for Mason charity project. My future hinged not on a romantic relationship with Jess, but a college education provided by his parents. The debt I owed this family was so big. I couldn’t take the most precious thing from their lives. No matter what I felt, I would never take their son.
Turning away from him, I couldn’t look in his eyes. Being with Jess meant too many things. Between his family and my past, he deserved better than me. I bit down hard on my lip trying to squash back the sudden rush of emotions.
“Al, it’s ok. I know this is a lot to process. I know how you’re feelin’. I don't even have to look to know that you got that lip of yours clenched right now. It's why I've never done anythin’ 'bout how I felt. I knew you’d do this. It would freak you out.”
Jess pulled my chin around so he could watch my face. His finger pulled my lip out from my tight clenched teeth. His eyebrows stayed knitted up in a look of concern. I could tell his mind was trying to pry into my confused thoughts.
“Alex, I’m not sorry for finally kissin’ you. I know it scares you and sets off one of those internal arguments. I see it goin’ on right now inside of your head. You need some time to think ‘bout it. I understand. I’m scared too, but I know I’m right ‘bout us,” he smiled. “I won’t kiss you again until it’s your idea. I promise. I want this to be one hundred percent from you. We’ve got somethin’ that people look for their whole lives. We just found it when we were eight. Because of that, I can wait a little bit longer.”
“I don't want you waiting on me,” I whispered.
“You don't really got a choice in that. Actually, I believe a little in fate.”
“Fate…is just wishful thinking.”
“For a girl who wishes on stars, you just don’t get it. I’m tryin’ to say some things are just meant to be.” His fingers touched each side of my cheeks again. “Alex, I. . .” My hand flew up to his lips. My fingers pressed hard, stopping the words.
“No,” I sputtered as the air evaporated from my lungs. I could not allow Jess to say it. My breathing got a little ragged. Jess kissed my fingers, and I yanked them off of his lips. “I think we need a little space.” I managed to get the words out. The nerves in my stomach kicked in and bile trickled up in my throat.
“Ok,” he nodded.
We both got up and the awkward tension crackled through the air. I took in a quick breath in my nose and let it out slowly.
“Jess… I care about you. Please know that. You mean more to me than anyone else. But I can't promise anything. We are only eighteen. You’ve never even left here. You don’t know what you want yet. I don’t know what I want yet. Away from here, Jess. Austin is going to be so different than Arlis…and it’s just the beginning for me. I may stay in Texas or I might leave. See the world. Do something on my own. I don't want to hold you to anything. It's going to be tough out there. We are going to need each other. But as friends, Jess. Just friends. Anything else could jeopardize that. I don't want to lose you over it.”
“You won't lose me. I promise. You’re the most import person in my life. Always will be.”
“Always in a long time, Jess. A lot could happen.”
“Nothin’ could happen that would be big enough to change it. Sometimes I feel growin’ up together, there’s a little piece of you that grew inside of me. I couldn’t leave you if I tried.”
I stared into his sweet face and saw the same one I met in the hallway all those years ago. I knew him better than anyone and he knew me just the same. I needed that boy, and he only needed that girl. All this talk would fade in the shadows once he went to college, and met a campus full of beautiful and rich girls. Jess would understand and be grateful that I stopped a potentially embarrassing accident today. He would find someone worthy of those words; a girl who wasn’t his family’s pet welfare project.
Jess wrapped his arms around my body. I froze, feeling his lips next to my ear. “Alex… it will happen. We are supposed to be together. One day you’ll let me say those words to you.” All his fingers stayed in the appropriate places and then he let me go. My lungs released a sigh of relief.
I turned away to keep from seeing the hurt in his blue eyes. We gathered up the fishing supplies in silence. His phone stayed forgotten at the bottom of the pond. Every few moments, my eyes darted over at Jess. His jaw was clenched tight. I swallowed hard, knowing it’s the way it had to be for us. Over time, he would forget these feelings.
After loading up the four-wheeler, Jess looked directly at my face. A week smile flashed before he fired up the engine. I climbed on the back, holding loosely to his shoulders as we headed toward my house, or rather, the Masons’ farmhouse.
We bounced over ruts in the dirt trail. I grabbed his shoulders tighter to keep from falling off the back. Jess kissed me. The thought floated around in my head. I was scared of how it would change us. I was scared of how it made me really feel. For a moment, I closed my eyes, remembering my one and only kiss with Jess. I locked the memory away deep inside my heart.
Chapter 25
When I was eighteen…
Leaving Arlis. It wasn't the first time I traveled outside the city limits since we arrived in the old Bronco. I did my fair share of trips and vacations, courtesy of the Masons. Today was different. I was finally leaving, for good.
I filled my car full of boxes for the drive to Austin. I finally had four wheels of my own. The ten-year old Ford Escape was a gift from my father and the only expense covered by a Tanner. I dubbed the old car El Chigger since it was a mini red-hooptie the size of an insect. The passenger door was just a shade off from the body and the windows refused to move without a swift punch to get the little motor running. I knew it had problems, but at least it had a working CD player.
As for Jess, he had left yesterday for early move-in because of his fraternity. I looked at the calendar this morning and noted the date. Six weeks and
two days since he kissed me. Six weeks and two days since his hands touched my body.
We never talked about it after that day on the meadow. It was awkward at first, and then it was like it never happened at all. Sometimes I’m not sure it actually did, except when he looked at me and his eyes got a little dark on the edges. I knew Jess was thinking about us again, which made by body remember what it felt like to be kissed my best friend. I tried to push those thoughts away, but lips that tasted as good as his were hard to forget.
I knew what needed to happen so I counted down the days until I moved to Austin. I silently said goodbye to Sprayberry last night. I hoped one day, my father could do the same too.
As thoughts of the past plagued me on the drive, an old image of my mother flashed before my eyes. She stayed tucked out of reach on most days. As the years past, I forgot the clarity of her face or the exact floral scent of her perfume. It hurt sometimes when I realized I would never really know the person I had called mother. I had been a child and only experienced the child like aspects of our relationship.
As the last few weeks haunted me, I felt more like an adult with adult decisions. I realized what I never really had in my life. I wondered what she would have thought of Jess. What she would have said about my friendship with him? Would she even approve of my choice of college and the Masons’ involvement? I shrugged off the thoughts. It was useless to scrutinize a hypothetical, alternate world considering it was her illness and death that brought all of us together. Without those problems, the Masons would have never been forced into my life. The family and Jess only existed because of her cancer.
I navigated El Chigger through the dorm parking lot, stopping in the first space I found in the back. I felt the nervous butterflies in my stomach. Go big or go home, and I was not returning to Arlis.
My dad smiled through the glass waiting for me to get out. I felt a little sad knowing he would be all alone in the farmhouse. I'm sure it was only a matter of time before the serious relationship with Caroline became permanent. We had a few talks on my feelings toward the idea. I liked her but more than anything, I just wanted my father to be happy.
Gathering a few items, we made the first trip to the dorm room. I had little knowledge of my roommate except that her name was Sadie. The name alone divulged nothing into the character of the person who would share a space smaller than Mrs. Mason’s closet. After checking in with the RA, I found our room vacant, but full to the brim on the side next to the window.
The bed was covered with a puffy, white-eyelet bedspread and a pile of silver pillows in different shapes. The desk was full of photos and trinkets, indicating someone who came from a past full of exciting moments and trendy friends. I wondered why she would take pot luck for a roommate. My situation was pretty obvious, but the story sitting on the desk said something else about this Sadie.
My father and Caroline carried my simple belongings up from the car while I unpacked. With every item I shoved into my closet, I glanced over at the identical door. Curiosity got the best of me. I pulled the adjacent handle and peered inside her closet.
The contents were a little intriguing. Half the closet contained an assortment of suits that resurrected the ghost of the original Jackie O. The rest was rows and rows of the same pony embossed shirt, just in different colors. I wrinkled up my nose with confusion. Living with this Sadie would be interesting.
The door opened while I slammed the closet shut. It was just my father and Caroline with the last load. My father appeared a little lost with no more boxes to tote upstairs. It was that time. We made the last decent down to the parking lot for our official goodbye. I watched his face shift between emotions.
“Pumpkin, I guess this is it.” The tears glistened in the corners but stayed in place next to the wrinkles around his eyes. I never thought much about my father’s age. Today, he seemed old with tuffs of gray over his ears.
“Bye, Dad.” I put my arms around him for a hug. His familiar scent sparked my nose; a faint mechanical smell that soaked into all his clothes worn to the hardware store.
“I’ll be ok,” I said, quietly.
My throat tightened and burned. I clenched my teeth down on my lip to keep my composure. We would be apart for the first time in eighteen years. I truly loved my father. Tragedy has a way of bonding people different than a traditional relationship. My father and I were like Velcro in some ways; polar opposites stuck together, holding down the fort, even during those times our personalities clashed like oil and water. I released my grasp and backed away.
“Now, don’t stay out too late and don’t drive too fast. I don’t want to get a phone call saying you’ve been in an accident.”
“I won’t Dad. I promise,” I nodded, thinking of a night long ago in a Jeep that never came to his knowledge.
“And don’t drink and drive. No, just don’t drink period,” he babbled, while his boots shifted on the sidewalk in a nervous side step.
“I promise.” I glanced over at Caroline, looking for a little help.
“I think it’s time to let her go, Henry,” she smiled, putting an arm around his back. His fingers reached down to grab her hand. Just watching the jesters eased my sadness a little. I wrapped them both in one last hug then watched the truck drive away. Back in the dorm, I walked through the wooden door to my new home. This time I had company.
“Alex?” A shorter girl with long, blond hair greeted me. She had a grin as big as Julia Roberts and a set of emerald green eyes.
“Yeah, Alex Tanner. You’re Sadie, right?” She wasn’t at all what I had expected. Living in the honor’s dorm, I had a mental perception of a certain type of student that occupied the halls but this Sadie fit none of those.
“The one and only. Hope you don’t mind, but I picked the bed by the window. I got here early from Richmond, the one in Virginia.” The smile appeared to be stuck permanent on her face.
“No, that’s fine. I’m not very picky,” I said back with a shrug. It at least explained the whole random girl room assignment choice. No person in their right mind left that side of the country for Texas.
“Why did you come to school in Austin?”
“I’m a legacy on my mother’s side. She grew up in Dallas.”
“I was from there, once.”
I watched her fingers unhook the clasp on the ankle of her dress shoes that coordinated with the sundress; not the strapless type worn to the lake, but the beautiful, flowy kind, meant for a garden party. She exchanged the platform heals for a matching pair of flats.
“And now?” She looked up in interest.
“Oh, I’m from Arlis. It’s outside of Fort Worth, sort of.”
Sadie put the shoes away in a neat row then turned her full attention to me. In the glow of the sun, I realize her eyes were not green, but a shade of hazel that could change with every outfit or the tone of her mood.
“I guess we are both new to Austin. It’s a good school though. Do you have a major yet?”
“I’m business for now, I guess?” It seemed like the typical student answer this morning, but slightly lackluster telling Sadie.
“They have a good business program here. I’m a double major actually. International Business and Accounting.”
“That’s impressive.”
“Well, a girl needs to learn how to make the deals when running a company, and also make sure no one else is cheating her.”
I looked at her again. Sadie had a presence that was undeniable. It was hard to describe. She was a classic beauty, like her Jackie styled suites. However, it wasn’t just her looks that were striking. I realized why she was living in the honor dorm. Sadie had intelligence and charisma. She would run the world one day while everyone else sat and watched.
“Oh, I almost forgot, sweetie. A really cute guy stopped by looking for you. Dark hair? Blue eyes?”
“Oh…that's Jess.”
“Hmmm…boyfriend?” She hesitated on the last word fishing for information. This would get interesting
. I never had to explain our attached at the hip type connection back in Arlis. Everyone just knew.
“No, we grew up together. He’s a…childhood friend.”
“That is one lucky childhood, sweetie.”
“I guess you could say that.”
Her hazel eyes lingered on my last words while her lips pursed into a bow. I think she was trying to see if I was lying. If she only knew, yet that was the cool thing about Austin; no one did know about me.
“So I came back to see if you had arrived. I’m going to the student organization fair. I thought you might like to come?”
“Ok, sure…I’m really not the club joining type, but I don’t mind going.”
“It’s never too early to plot the direction of your life. You need to think about your future from day one and get ahead. Everyone here was first in their class, president of five clubs and nailed the SAT. You have to do something to stand out. I don’t know you, and I have no idea what you plan to do here, but no woman runs her own company by accident. It all comes from purpose made decisions.” Her eyes studied me again.
“So you plan to do that? Own a company?”
“That I do, sweetie. I plan to run my own company, and maybe marry someone who plans on running the country.”
“What?”
“Sorry, I got off on one of my Hillary moments.” She rolled her eyes.
“As in Clinton?”
“Yeah, I tend to be a little obsessed with her at times. She’s a brilliant lady. I find it fascinating to watch the ambition and determination of someone like Hillary Clinton. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to jump in and take charge.” She finished with a satisfied smile.
“Wow, well I guess lead the way.”
“Great! I’m thinking debate team.”
“Sure?”
I wasn’t use to being around someone who was a tight wound up ball of ambition. In the moment, I pondered if this girl ever had fun or if college was a business plan. It didn’t matter. Fun wasn’t the motivation for me in college anyway. I was here on someone else’s buck and for a very different purpose.
The Mason List Page 16