by P. Jameson
He remembered Bethy’s scent. It was engrained in his mind. Or maybe deeper than that even. But Bethany smelled entirely different.
Reaching into the safe, he pulled out the envelope, bringing it with him to sit on the bed. Carefully, he opened it, spilling the contents onto his sheets. The first thing he picked up was a small tangle of brown, red, and blue twine. A friendship bracelet she’d made him. He’d been choked up when she gave it to him, and angry at himself for caring too much, so he’d tossed it in the trash while she watched.
“I don’t wear bracelets, Bethy,” he’d scoffed. “Geez.”
Later that night after everyone had gone to bed, he’d dug it out of the garbage and washed it off in the kitchen sink. Part of it had landed in ketchup and stained the strands, but he didn’t care. He tucked it away in his pillow case and took it with him when he left.
He reached for a stack of pictures, sighing heavily. Lying back on the bed, he examined them. There was a time when he used to look at these daily. The one of Ryan and Bethy and him, smiling in front of the Christmas tree was one of his favorites. The Robertson’s had been his family for three years. Wonderful years.
Until he started the change.
After Renner’s mother was shot by hunters, the cats sent him to live with humans. It wasn’t uncommon for young to grow up with humans and return to their clan later. In fact, it was the way of the big cats. Young couldn’t change and needed the influence of humanity to help with understanding their dual nature. Or… that was what he was told, anyway. At the time, all that mattered was he’d lost his mother and was ripped away from his sister all in the same week.
He’d been bitter.
But the Robertson’s changed all that. Much like his cat home, there was no mister in the family. Just Mama R, Ryan, and Bethy. They’d shown him family, when he had none. Love, when he couldn’t understand it. And patience. So much patience for an angry and confused kid.
Especially Bethy.
He stared at a picture of her face. It had been taken close up. The edges were worn from all the times he’d held it. Gently, he ran his thumb over her cheek. Her smile was so big it made her cheeks look like she had ping-pong balls stuffed in them.
Damn it. He’d completely fucked this up before he even knew it. What was he going to do? He didn’t want to hurt her anymore than he already had.
His phone buzzed in his pocket. A text from Magic.
My office. Now. No bullshit.
Renner sighed, stuffing the picture in the pocket of his t-shirt. This was going to be fun. If fun was walking on a bed of embers.
***
“Explain yourself, asshole.”
As expected, Magic was in a mood. Renner didn’t blame him. This whole stunt was, in hindsight, epically stupid.
“I don’t know what happened. I did everything like I told you. You should have been able to unlock it from the computer.”
“Not that, dickhead.” His gaze went to Layna and back to Renner. Apparently, he was going for a record for name calling. “I want to know why my masseuse was in my office giving notice.”
Renner felt the blood rush from his face, and his sister’s glare was burning a hole in the side of his head.
“She’s leaving?” Renner’s words were reedy.
“No, because you’re going to fix this. I can’t find another masseuse until after January and we have to get through the holiday season.” He pointed a harsh finger at Renner. “This is on you, asschunk. What did you do to her?”
Renner narrowed his eyes. “Asschunk? What, are you just making stuff up now?”
Magic place his palms on the desk, standing, and leaning forward. His expression was chilly. “I had to change because of you,” he seethed. “You better talk.”
Renner stood too. “You had to change because you’re a shifter and you wait until your body’s out of control. That’s your problem, not mine.”
Layna stood. “Okay, enough.”
“You keep your problems to yourself,” Renner hissed, ignoring her. “I have enough of my own.” He reached in his pocket, retrieving the picture of Bethy and tossing it on Magic’s desk.
“What’s this?” Magic picked it up, squinting to stare at it.
Renner glanced at Layna. Took a deep breath. And then let the words tumble from his mouth. “It’s Bethy. Bethany. Bethany is Bethy.”
Magic’s gaze jumped from the picture to Renner. “Bethy? Your mate?”
Renner nodded, rubbing his palm over his chin. His mate. It was the word he’d been running away from since he was a tiny young. The women in his family had been trapped by their matings and he never wanted to do that to anyone. He was nothing like the abusive prick that sired him, but still. To belong to another person, to have all your choices take away, for the rest of your life… no woman deserved that.
“Ren?” Layna breathed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know. I didn’t… recognize her.”
“Bullshit,” she snapped. “Didn’t you scent her?”
“I haven’t seen her since we were kids. Her scent has changed. Her everything has changed. I’m just as surprised as you are.”
Magic held the photo inches from his nose. “Are you sure it’s her, Ren? I don’t see it.”
“It’s her.”
“Let me see that.” Layna snatched the picture from Magic and examined it closely. “Mother of fucking hell, Renner. That’s definitely Bethany. Did she recognize you? Does she remember?”
He nodded.
Layna’s expression paled and her voice softened. “How could you not know? She… she’s yours, and you didn’t even notice? After all these years of pining after her?”
“I don’t know, okay?” Renner ran his hand through his hair, pulling. He needed to move so he paced the small space of Magic’s office. “I just don’t know.”
“Okay,” Magic said. His voice was calm, thoughtful. “Listen, we can sort this all out in the morning, after we’ve all had some sleep. Bethany gave me a week. You’ve got to talk to her, Renner, get her to stay.”
Renner chuckled, sadly. He wanted to cry but he never did that. The last time had been at his mother’s funeral. “I’d love to, but she won’t listen to me. She’s hurt. If I talk to her, she’ll run.”
Magic ran a thumb over his bottom lip.
“I’ll do it,” Layna said. “Let me talk to her.”
Magic nodded. “Yeah, okay.”
Renner turned to leave. He needed to change. Run. Climb. He needed to be his animal for a while. The panther could deal with these fucked up emotions. It was only fair.
“Ren,” Magic said, stopping him with his hand on the door.
“Yeah?”
“You can’t…” He stopped, but Renner knew what the rest of the sentence was. Have her.
“I know.”
He slammed the door a little too hard as he walked out. Stalking past the front doors, he barely made it to the edge of the woods before he busted through his clothes with the change, giving his worries over to his cat.
Chapter Four
Beth shuffled into an empty room at the spa, exhausted. She’d made it through her first client but she’d need a caffeine IV to get through the entire day. Sleep had been elusive last night, and her nerves were on edge, wondering when or if she’d run into Renner again.
Then there was the job. She hated leaving it. Magic paid her well, and she was still paying off student loans. And her car. And Josie’s car.
Damn it. What was she going to do?
It was the busiest shopping season of the year. Surely she could find a job in retail. Then in the spring, she’d find another resort in need of her services. She’d make it work. She had to. Staying here would only bring heartache.
Beth brought her fingers gingerly to her lips. Renner’s kiss was like a brand. It didn’t want to go away. Even now, twelve hours later, she could still feel the sensation of his lips, the scruff of his day’s beard growth, the gentle han
ds on her face…
A knock sounded on the door before it opened slightly, a blond capped head peeking around. “I’m doing yoga in five. On the terrace,” Christina said.
Beth nodded.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” Beth feigned a smile. “Just tired. Didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Do you need some time? I can get Mason to run the front.”
“No, no. I’m fine. Really.”
“You sure?”
Beth nodded. “Sure.”
Christina checked her watch. “Okay, then. I’m out. See you later.”
Beth waived Christina off and made her way to the front desk. Her next appointment wasn’t until eleven thirty. She thought about calling her mom and telling her what had happened. Or even Ryan. Surely they’d want to know what happened to Renner.
The spa door opened and Layna walked through. She and Renner had the same dark golden skin and dark hair. Even their eyes were similar. Except Renner’s were a deeper blue.
Renner’s sister approached the counter, resting her elbows on the polished wood. She stared at Beth but didn’t speak.
“He told you.”
“Question is why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you your brother used to live with me when I was ten? And then what? Beg you not to tell him who I was? No thanks. I wanted to ignore that little confrontation as long as I could.” Beth busied herself shuffling papers and stacking them in the corner.
“So you’re quitting because Renner found out who you are?”
“Shh. I haven’t told Christina yet.”
“Yeah, well I had to hear it from Magic. So. You have some explaining to do.”
Beth sighed, staring at her friend. “It’s hard to explain, okay? We… he… there’s history between us.”
Layna crossed her arms, canting her head. “Oh, yes. I’m aware of that.”
“You are?”
“Of course. I know all about Bethy. Bethy this, Bethy that, Bethy hangs the fucking moon and shits stars. That’s you, right?” She gave an amused laugh.
“What are you talking about? Renner never thought anything like that about me. He…” Beth’s voice choked out the next words. “He actually hated me when we were kids.”
Layna shook her head sadly. “Oh, honey. It isn’t what you think.”
Beth frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I just mean…” Layna stared out the window at the overcast sky, tapping a finger along her bottom lip. “It’s been a lot of years since Renner was in foster care. What you think you know, and what actually is… might not be the same.”
Beth’s frown deepened. “Okay.”
Layna turned her gaze back on Beth. “Look, you should stay. We need you here, and I like having you around. Renner will leave you alone. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Did Magic send you in to tell me that?”
Layna pursed her lips. “Yes. But it’s still true. And I mean it, you don’t have to worry about Ren. I’ll tell him to back off. He’ll listen.”
What to do? The prospect of job hunting before Christmas was daunting. But staying? Staying could be catastrophic for her heart. Could she handle being around him again? It was different when he didn’t know who she was, when she could do her job and hide in her room avoiding him. Now everything had changed.
“I’ll think about it, okay?”
Layna sighed. “Yeah, okay. Think about it. I’ll see you at dinner?”
“Sure.”
Layna smiled. “Okay. Later then.”
As Beth watched her walk away, she tried to make sense of her friend’s words. But what she knew of her and Renner’s history clashed with the way he’d talked about her to Layna. And with what he said last night.
Beth had replayed his words over and over.
I missed you so much, Bethy.
The expression on his face when he’d uttered those words was one she recognized. She’d seen it on the sad nights when he couldn’t sleep. When he was vulnerable. When he let her in for just a little bit, and let her be his friend.
She shook her head, but it didn’t clear a bit. Nothing about Renner made any sense right now.
***
There were faucets to fix, a door frame to repair on the honeymoon cabin, the fireplace in the main lobby needed shoveling, and one of the lodge’s five generators needed work before ice storm season came. A handyman’s work was never done. Not to mention, the entire place needed to be prepped for the Christmas celebration the lodge held every year for the neighboring town of Weston. That meant hanging lights and programming the music show that would accompany them, setting up the space for the bonfire, decorating twelve million Christmas trees, and building the stable for the live nativity.
But even with a to-do list the size of Santa’s, his thoughts were on a ghost of Christmas past.
Layna told him to leave Bethany alone. They needed her to stay and the only hope of that happening was if he stayed away.
He didn’t think he could.
He needed to explain himself. She was hurt and confused, and it wasn’t like they were on good terms when he’d moved away in the first place. His last words had been cruel. Most of his words to her had been cruel. It was no surprise she wanted nothing to do with him.
It was the path he’d set in motion as a young cat, and it was successful. For once, his scheming worked. Except, this time he wished it hadn’t.
He tossed the wrench in the sink. “Damn faucet.”
Oh, who was he kidding? This was for the best. Let her think he was an asshole who’d forgotten her. It would hurt her less in the end because even though she was his mate, Magic was right, Renner couldn’t have her.
It would break their code.
Big cats didn’t live in packs like the wolves. It went against their animal nature. But as shifters, they needed the strength of community. A clan was the answer. You follow the code, you could be a member. And the setting of the lodge was perfect because it allowed the illusion of being alone. At the end of the day, Renner and the other cats could go to their own cabins and give their animals needed downtime. You answered to only yourself, but your brothers and sisters had your back in a pinch.
As long as you didn’t break the code: no life mates. No exceptions.
“Did you break it?” Magic’s too calm voice came from the doorway of the bathroom. “The faucet?”
“It was already broken. The whole reason I’m here.”
“Yeah.” Magic leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. He stared at Renner past one arched eyebrow. “How you doing?”
Renner picked up the wrench and went back to tightening the nut. “I’d be better if I could get this leak fixed.”
“I know this situation is fucked up.”
“Understatement.”
“I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here. You can tap all over that, Ren, but it’ll have to end sometime. You get me? You can’t mate.”
Ren tossed the wrench away in frustration. “Yeah, I get it, okay?” He stared into the shower wishing it was a window to the outdoors instead. He felt trapped in the small space with his closest friend breathing down his neck.
“Do you ever wonder if this is right? If we’ve made the right choice? Our clan will die out with no young. Do you worry about it?”
He turned to face Magic and the pain in his friend’s eyes made him want to cut his own heart out.
“Every day, man. Every fucking day.” Magic’s hand absently rubbed the tattoo branded on his forearm. “But then I remember what happens when you blindly follow tradition and I… I can’t see any other way. The code is there for a reason, Renner.”
Renner knew all the damn reasons. The mountain cats weren’t like the ones in Africa. There wasn’t a pride. There was no such thing as family, or family values. There was blood born from a union of two, but there was no love. Not for each other and not for the young who’d come later. It was all urges. The urge to fuc
k. The urge to hunt. The urge to procreate, but only for the purpose of continuing the race.
After the mate, the female belonged exclusively to the male, but not necessarily the other way around. Renner remembered his dad coming and going as he pleased, his mom crying at night because he was with another female. But the shit storm never stopped with the parents.
Renner had never understood the way the cats loved. Not until the hunters got his mother. He’d watched from behind a rock, Layna trying her best to cover his eyes but miserably failing. His father came from out of nowhere, leaping on one of the hunters. His teeth latched onto his throat, viciously tearing. They shot him multiple times, but he didn’t let up. He’d give his life to protect her.
When they ran away, bloody and beaten, he’d limped over to her lifeless body and laid himself on top of her. The blood poured out of his wounds, puddling on the leaf covered forest floor. He could have changed, healed. It would’ve taken time, but his wounds weren’t life threatening.
But… they were life mates. She dies; he dies. A choice they’d made long before Layna or Renner. And his father honored it that day, choosing to die with his mate.
When Renner was old enough to exist on his own, he was dropped at the nearest hospital and told not to return to the lodge until he began the change. Nice and all, but ten-year-olds can’t exactly fend for themselves. Not according to the humans at least. So it was off to social services. It was by the grace of something greater than him, that he ended up with the Robertsons.
Once all the elder cats were gone, the clan made a drastic change. Magic had his own reasons for the code, but Renner, Layna, and the others were all in agreement: no life mates.
He rubbed his palms over his face. “What if it was different this time?”
Magic frowned. “It won’t be. Mountain cats aren’t family friendly, and that girl out there deserves a fucking family. Don’t be an asshole.”
Renner clenched his fists. What about him? He deserved a family too. And he’d had one for three years, with the Robertsons.
“Don’t you ever wish you could have that too though? Are you happy with mindlessly banging the girls who roll through the lodge, or don’t you ever want more? I want more, M.”