Into the Light

by Patti, Caroline T.

  At age eighty-two, Nathaniel Black lay prone in a hospital bed dying, surrounded by no one. He never married, never attached himself to anyone, therefore there weren’t mourners by his bedside. No one to hold his hand, to wish him safe passage on his journey into death. And that was just fine with Nathaniel. He didn’t need comfort or reassurance through this process. He knew exactly where he was headed. He was going home. He’d paid for his crime, and he was ready to be released from his human form and returned to the other side.

  Nathaniel coughed and sputtered. Bright red spots flecked his blanket. The nurse assigned to him wiped his chin. Time was most certainly running out. Closing his eyes, Nathaniel dreamed of hearing his Guide’s voice, of crossing the bridge into the light. He knew he’d be there without Ellie—that she’d always be in Purgatory—and for that, he still felt crushingly guilty. But Nathaniel held out hope that there would be some way to rescue her, to plead her case for her. Certainly Isadora couldn’t still be holding a grudge against him. And if she was, he was ready to do whatever to appease her. He’d be with her, rule with her, whatever she wanted as long as Ellie was released from her certain hell.

  Breaths were sparse and ragged as Nathaniel felt the end nearing. For a split second, he thought he sensed someone’s presence. He thought his Guide had arrived to take him, but then the strangest thing happened. Searing pain ripped through his body like a tidal wave of aguish. Literally feeling the flesh peel from his bones, Nathaniel tried to cry out, but no sound came from his mouth. He breathed hard and rapid as he splintered into a million pieces. More than ever before Nathaniel wanted to die. Anything to stop the torture.

  The pain changed directions suddenly, and instead of being pulled, Nathaniel felt every molecule, every piece of tissue and flesh, slam back together. Waves of nausea rocked him, and he knew he couldn’t take much more of this. Through the darkness, light appeared, and Nathaniel prayed this was it. He prayed for his end.

  Nathaniel’s feet hit the floor with a thud. He panted and tried to regain control of himself, but it was a struggle. The moment he opened his eyes, he saw the horrified expression on the nurse’s face. Petrified and silently screaming, the nurse backed away. Nathaniel sprang at her, instinct and urge controlling his every movement. He wanted to silence her, to keep her from calling for help. Just as he thought he’d choked the life out of her, Nathaniel felt himself splinter again. This time he shattered like broken glass. The pieces were nearly impossible to control, but Nathaniel managed to pull them together. He directed every piece to one point, and they collided, diving straight down the nurse’s throat.

  He glued himself to the walls of skin around him. It was uncomfortable and strange, and every inch of him felt battered and beaten when he finally opened his eyes. Stretching his neck and flexing his fingers, Nathaniel was uniquely whole once again, no longer in pain, but rather charged, electrified, rejuvenated.

  Looking down in the bed, Nathaniel saw the human form he’d once occupied. The monitors were quiet. Nathaniel was definitely dead, but it wasn’t the death he was expecting. He was cheated out of the light, tricked somehow. There was no Guide there to meet him, no one to assist him over the bridge. He was alone in the room, trapped in the body of a nurse. Nathaniel looked straight forward, knowing he was being watched, knowing there was no way The Assembled was going to let his death pass as if it were nothing. To piss them off, he winked and smiled toward the heavens. Screw them, he thought. They won’t get the last word this time.

  His bravado, however, was short-lived.

  Almost immediately Nathaniel was accosted. He was stripped of his human form and returned to the bridge. Lucas Church stood there waiting, two hulking figures at his side.

  “Impressive.” Lucas clapped his hands.

  “You did this to me,” Nathaniel seethed.

  “I did nothing of the sort.” Lucas smiled wickedly. “But what fun we’re going to have, Nathaniel. What fun, indeed.” Lucas said to the man on his left, “Bring me the girl.”

  Minutes later, the man returned dragging a frightened and disheveled Ariana with him.

  “What’s going on?” Nathaniel asked.

  “My children.” Lucas shook his head like a disappointed father. “My dear children. It seems as though you have been rather naughty.”

  “Ariana is innocent!” Nathaniel yelled. “Leave her alone.”

  From his breast pocket Lucas Church pulled a piece of parchment paper. Nathaniel’s heart sunk. “Is she now?” Lucas clucked his tongue.

  Nathaniel glanced at Ariana, his eyes full of question. Ariana shook her head slowly, and Nathaniel realized the truth. Ariana had given him Ellie’s name. She’d broken the rules for him. And she was going to pay.

  “Now,” Lucas church slid the paper in his pocket, “what shall I do with my new toys?”

  “Let us die,” Ariana begged.

  “Heavens no!” Lucas clutched his chest as if he couldn’t bear the thought. “You are much too talented for death. I propose an arrangement. You do as I say, and at the end of your term, I will give you what you so greatly desire: a human life and a human death.”

  Nathaniel and Ariana exchanged looks. They resignation in Ariana’s face nearly brought tears to Nathaniel’s eyes.

  “What do you want us to do?” Nathaniel asked.

  Late one night, after completing yet another one of Lucas’s gruesome requests, Ariana and Nathaniel sat huddled together around a campfire.

  “We can’t continue like this,” Ariana said. “The bloodshed. The wars. I never would’ve agreed if I’d known what Lucas had planned.”

  “We had no choice,” Nathaniel reminded her. He thought back to the day on the bridge when Lucas threatened their lives. He remembered how helpless they both were. What other option did they have but to comply?

  “He’s using us, Nathaniel. Don’t you see? He’s trying to control us because we have talents he doesn’t.”

  Nathaniel balked at her words. “You consider taking human lives talent?”

  “We can occupy human bodies. No one before us has ever achieved such a feat. Lucas is frightened of us. He’s keeping us as slaves so we don’t overthrow him.”

  “You’re speaking nonsense,” Nathaniel said.

  But something about Ariana’s words rang true. Lucas himself admitted that he hadn’t planned for them to take other bodies. Maybe Ariana was right. Maybe Lucas was afraid of them.

  “I’m going to run,” Ariana said boldly.

  “You will do no such thing.”

  “I have to try. I can’t carry on like this.”

  “Just a little while longer, Ari,” Nathaniel tried to sound reassuring. “You’ll see. Lucas will release us. He gave us his word.”

  They didn’t speak for the rest of the night. Nathaniel tried to sleep, but he was restless. Ariana’s words rattled in his brain. He knew her pain because he felt it too. He didn’t want to kill anymore. He didn’t want to jump from one body to the next, mercilessly bringing destruction wherever they went. He wanted it to end. But he couldn’t think of another way. Lucas was too powerful, and if they denied him, he would make them suffer in unimaginable ways.

  They carried on the next day, and for years after. They murdered, they slaughtered, they committed unspeakable acts, and not once did Lucas give any indication he would set them free. Finally, Nathaniel agreed they had to run. This was no way to exist.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Mercy

  For the rest of the school day I stress. How could Nathaniel be so reckless? So stupid! Thinking back I should’ve expected this from him. He’s selfish, self-serving, arrogant, and rash. Of course he breached the first body available!

  And then I remember a story Nathaniel told me about how he and I are different. He is not rooted here because he is not human. He has to fight to stay here. He has to breach in order to stay alive. Damn! I want to hold on to my anger. I want to hate him for what he did to Toby, but suddenly there’s sympathy mixed with hatr
ed.

  I can’t even imagine what Jay is going to say or do when he finds out about Toby. Jay barely understood my being in Lyla’s body, but he knew it was an accident, so he forgave me. But when I breached Kate’s body out of necessity, he was furious with me. He won’t understand this. And why should he? Breaching goes against all the rules. Who are we to decide which life is more valuable than the other? Yes, Nathaniel would’ve died if he hadn’t taken a body, but does that mean that Toby should die instead?

  The last bell sounds. The first day of school is over. Quickly, I dart to my locker where I find Gage waiting for me. “Where’s Nathaniel?”

  “Waiting in the car,” he answers.

  I gather what I need, all the while thinking, does any of this really matter? Honestly, what is the point of homework and tests and projects and grades when there are so many other more important things to worry about? Isadora and my evil twin are still out there running wild. Nathaniel is inside Toby’s body. Who really cares if I pass calculus?

  Gage and I walk without talking to the car. As expected, Nathaniel is there. It’s strange seeing him this way. Nathaniel and Toby could not be more different. Toby is skinny, bony, all sharp edges and knobby knees. Nathaniel is sharp too, but because he looks as though he was carved. Nathaniel is beautiful, like a sculpture. Toby kind of looks like the leftover scraps.

  I get into the passenger seat, and Gage drives. The tension in the car is palpable, and like low-lying fog it hovers and nearly strangles us all. Gage’s grip on the steering wheel is death-like. My teeth are so clenched I’m giving myself a headache, and every few minutes Nathaniel mumbles something under his breath that I can’t make out.

  As we drive I think about Nathaniel’s current predicament, and a sickening thought occurs to me. “Does my mother do this?” I ask no one in particular.

  Nathaniel makes eye contact with me in the rearview mirror. “Do what?”

  I don’t want to say ask out loud because it’s too awful. So I think it. I think it loudly.

  “Yes,” Nathaniel answers my silent query, “she has to breach in order to live.”

  She never told me.

  Nathaniel’s eyes soften. “She didn’t want you to know.”

  At first I’m not sure if Gage understands our conversation, but when he flashes me a look of pity, I know he’s following along.

  We really need to find a solution to this. I can’t stomach the idea of Nathaniel, let alone my mother, randomly killing people just so they can stay here.

  I sit on my hands to keep them from shaking.

  “We’ll figure something out,” Gage says. He sounds confident, but I’m pretty sure he’s trying to convince himself as much as he’s trying to convince me.

  “What makes you think we’ll be able to get into the warehouse?” I ask. “Isn’t Isadora camped right next door?”

  “She was. I’m hoping she’s vacated by now,” Gage says.

  “And if she hasn’t?”

  “We fight,” Nathaniel says plainly.

  I turn around so I can face him. “You’re going to fight?”

  “I’ll do what I have to do.”

  “You can’t let anything happen to Toby,” I say sternly.

  “So you’ve said.” Nathaniel’s irritation is evident by his snarky tone and the way he looks out the window as if he’s done talking to me.

  Gage parks the car a couple of blocks away from the warehouse. “Nathaniel,” he starts, “I’d tell you to stay here, but my guess is you’re not going to listen to me.”

  “You’ve got that right,” Nathaniel says, and then he exits the car.

  As we approach the warehouse, Gage goes into soldier mode. His shoulders are pulled back, and his eyes dart every which way. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as adrenaline pumps through my system.

  Gage gives us a signal to stay quiet and close to the building. Like ninjas, we slip into the ruined warehouse. As soon as we’re through the doors, I’m reminded of the first time I came here. It wasn’t that long ago, only a few months, that Gage gave me the grand tour. It looks nothing like it did back then. For one, it’s only a smoke-damaged shell of what it was before. It smells like rotting wood and stale water and rusted metal. Everything in sight is twisted, blackened, and stained. It must be killing Gage to see it this way. This was his home. This was where he lived with his team.

  This is where his team was murdered.

  I try not to think about that as we make our way to the library. The first time I saw this room I was more than impressed with its expanse of books, its large wooden tables, and its keeper, Zee. Zee wasn’t a typical librarian. He looked like he belonged on a football field. He was huge in stature with muscles upon muscles. Nothing about him read as bookish or nerdy. I barely knew him and yet, it makes me incredibly sad to be in this room without him.

  “What are we looking for exactly?” I ask Gage.

  “Anything.”

  Not exactly helpful, but I don’t bother asking follow-up questions. Instead, I turn left down the long stacks while Gage banks right and Nathaniel forges directly down the middle. I don’t know what I’m looking for, and I don’t know what I’m looking at either. This isn’t exactly a normal library. Dewey Decimal does not exist here. Randomly, I pull books, flip them open, and cast them aside. Mostly what I find are encyclopedia-style books, volumes upon volumes of random information and histories gathered together and shortened into succinct paragraphs.

  “Any luck?” Gage’s voice carries over the stacks.

  “No,” I answer.

  I can hear Gage’s heavy footsteps coming toward me. “Rae was always studying Breachers, how they work, how to extract them. She spent hours in here researching. There has to be something useful.”

  “Have you ever tried before?” I ask.

  “Tried what?”

  “To extract a Breacher without killing the host?”

  “Yes.”

  “It never worked, did it?”

  “No.”

  We continue to search, pilfering shelves, skimming over words that barely register, and we come up empty time and time again. Gage’s frustration oozes out of him by way of grunts and exasperated sighs. It’s irritating.

  “Find anything?” Nathaniel asks as he walks toward us.

  “Nothing,” Gage answers. “You?”

  “I found some manuals.” He holds up two books. “But I can’t make heads or tails of them.”

  Gage and I follow Nathaniel out of the stacks. He slaps the books down on a table, and Gage pounces, whipping through the pages.

  “These are definitely something,” Gage says as he mulls over the books. “I’m just not sure what yet. Give me a few minutes.”

  Nathaniel and I back away from the table while Gage gets to work. I don’t know where to go, but I keep walking, knowing full well that Nathaniel is going to follow me. He stays half a step behind me, which is good because I’m not in the mood to face him just yet.

  We reach the garage, and I expect to see it as it was once described to me, housing their cars, and Zee’s expensive and prized Ducati, but it’s empty, cleared out, and vacant. My footsteps echo against the cement floor.

  “How long are you going to give me the silent treatment?” Nathaniel asks.

  “A long time,” I answer, realizing immediately that I’ve just broken the silence.

  “You know I’m sorry,” Nathaniel says. His words aren’t forceful or mean. He isn’t trying to convince me of what I know. He’s asking me if I know.

  I spin and face him. “I don’t want Toby to die.”

  “I don’t either.”

  “But you knew when you did this that he would.”

  “I knew that I needed a body. I held on as long as I could, Mercy, I swear.”

  “You shouldn’t have.”

  “I would have died.”

  “Then maybe you should’ve died!”

  Nathaniel’s shock registers on Toby’s face. His eyes are wide, his mout
h hangs open, and his eyebrows are nearly to his hairline.

  “I’m sorry.” I rush to him. “I didn’t mean it.”

  Nathaniel backs away. “You did.”

  “It’s not like you think though, Nathaniel.” I shake my head and try to figure out how to say what I want to say. “I don’t want you to die. Of course, I don’t want you to die. You’re my …” I swallow and start again. “You’re my friend. I care about you.”

  “But …”

  “But this isn’t right.”

  “I know that,” Nathaniel says honestly. He inches toward me.

  My lip quivers. I sniff and shake my head, trying to hold it together. Tears flow despite my efforts to deny them.

  “Mercy?”

  I wrap my arms around my waist. “I get it. I completely understand why you did it. And I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t have done the same.” As soon as the truth is out, the shame crushes me. I want to sit, but there aren’t any chairs.

  Nathaniel pulls me to him. Toby’s scrawny body becomes the thing I lean on.

  “I hate myself for this,” I sob into his shoulder. “I shouldn’t be able to understand your decision. I shouldn’t be able to empathize with you.”

  He runs his hands along my hair. “Please don’t hate yourself, Mercy. None of this is your fault.”

  Sniffling, I step back. “It is though. All of this is happening because of me.”

  “That’s a lot of guilt you’re heaping on yourself.”

  “Am I not supposed to feel guilty?”

  Nathaniel pulls his shoulders back. I know he’s gearing up to give me some speech about how this is the way things are and we can’t do anything about them and we have just as much right to life as Toby.

  “I’ve never felt guilty,” Nathaniel says.

  “What?”

  Nathaniel turns and walks a few feet away. I don’t follow. “I always blamed them. The Assembled. I never thought of what I was doing to the humans.”