Wearing My Halo Tilted

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  After the call ended, I was sad. However, I knew I had done wrong. And just like someone who had murdered someone, they’d have to pay. Why didn’t I think my sin would be any different.

  The next day, after Tina and I talked, I was motivated to move on. I was a writer and I was sent here to write from my pain. Though a Christian company didn’t want me, didn’t mean I couldn’t tell a story with a message. And even if I had to self-publish, I’d live to write—to bless—at least one.

  So I got excited about getting to the manuscript. In my dark period, the bright spots were my book and my girls. They kept me going. However, as pumped as I was to get to the novel, when I sat down to pen it, I had writer’s block.

  Figuring I needed some girl time, I called up Josie. She agreed to meet me for lunch. Things were still crazy with her as well and she wanted to share. Maybe we could help each other.

  I was so excited to see my girlfriend. Seeing her outer appearance, I would never have been able to tell she had something negative going on in her life. She was the bomb. Her short sassy haircut, cute adorable clothes, and the confidence to make any other female nearby hate her. We weren’t seated for five minutes, when gentlemen sent drinks over to our table. A waitress whose name badge said Cindy, handed us two apple martinis.

  Cindy said, “The nice-looking gentlemen at the bar said they would love to come join you ladies.”

  I was so ready to say, No, no send them back uh, uh I’m already having enough problems in my marriage as it is. But I didn’t have to say anything ’cause my girl handled it. She looked at the fancy glasses as if their contents held poison.

  Josie handed the drinks back to Cindy. “Tell them thanks, but no thanks. We are married women. They should enjoy the drinks for us. Plus, it’s the middle of the day. What kind of women do they think we are anyway?”

  I let out a fun chuckle. Josie had such a lovely personality. She knew I was stressed and she made certain our time together was free from tension.

  Seeing I was into her silliness, she said, “And where are they anyway?”

  Cindy turned around and pointed to two handsome guys, one looked mixed and the other was dark chocolate. Both apparently in their midthirties. Both dressed in nice suits. Clearly they had professional jobs.

  Josie grabbed the waitresses arm as she was about to walk away. “Wait a minute. As cute as they are, maybe I should reconsider.”

  We both laughed as I knew her enough to know she was joking. She did give them a sly smile, kind of a thanks, but no thanks look. Then she shook her head at them and the waitress took our order.

  When Cindy left, Josie said, “Dang, girl, you’re pulling in the men now, huh. Getting us drinks and all. Dillon better watch out.”

  “Don’t even try it,” I told her, “ ’cause you are the cute one.”

  She flicked her hand like I was full of it. “See, I know you are not having a pity party. What’s going on with you? I’ve called you so much. I couldn’t believe you called me today to go out to lunch.”

  Dropping my head, I said, “Dillon found out and left me.”

  Never did I ever think I would see Josie be quiet. However, she didn’t say a peep. She looked sadly at me like she did when we were in college and her mom called saying her dog she’d had for years was dead.

  After a long pause, she clasped my hand and said, “He’ll be back.”

  She came around the table and gave me a hug that I desperately needed. The strokes she gave me were confidence for me to hold it together. I loved that she cared so deeply.

  “How did he find out? Did you tell him?”

  As I looked over the menu to find out what I wanted to order, I said, “He saw the magazine himself, girl. Thankfully, you called and prepared me. A football player showed it to him.”

  Smiling, she teased, “I saw the magazine and let me just say, somebody was having a whole bunch of fun. He needs to try to get back with you so you can sex him up like that.”

  I took my napkin and swatted it at her. She was so crazy, but boy did I appreciate her take on it. She was honest.

  “If Dillon knew men were sending you drinks in the middle of the afternoon, he would get his act together. He’ll be back.”

  “Enough about me, even though I’m sorry, sorry, sorry that I had such a pity party and didn’t call you back. What a horrible best friend I’ve been.”

  “Are you okay though?” she said, really into me.

  “But I’ve been writing, girl. So honestly, I want him back, but I’m concentrating on getting my life together. So if I have to be on my own, I’m ready. I got to write this daggone book and get some dough.”

  Cindy interrupted, “Okay, you ladies know what you want?”

  After we ordered, I said, “What’s going on on the home front?”

  “That’s why I’ve been trying to call you. She not only moved out, but she’s been bashing me with the mother-in-law.”

  “I thought she left.”

  “She did, but he told her she could move back. But I came home and found she had fed her son and left my boys starving. She had no reason and no excuse. The wench was just hateful. I told her to take her crap and go. I wasn’t going to let him tell her to stay this time. If he did I’d be gone with the kids.”

  “Oh, Josie.”

  “Girl, please, my life is so much better now. Maybe I can get my marriage back on track without the sabotage.”

  “How has he been since she’s been gone?”

  “Well, she’s just been gone a couple of days and it hasn’t been roses. I know he is sulking a little bit ’cause he feels he let his little sister down, but he’ll be alright trust me. I’ve got more respect for him now that he took my side when his mom went off on him. You know how much of a mama’s boy he is. We’re good.”

  My heart felt full hearing that. Her husband had been such a jerk. Calling his mom late at night and talking for hours, when he should be in bed with Josie taking care of business. Or he never gave her compliments on how lovely she was, yet would get jealous when other brothas noticed. She deserved better.

  I lifted my water goblet, and said, “Okay, well, here’s to the fact that at least somebody’s family life is going right.”

  “Seriously, I feel you’ll be alright as well.”

  “Girl, I’m at the bottom now. It can’t do nothing but get better. I mean, what else can go wrong?”

  Just when I said that my cell phone rang. I quickly picked it up so as not to disturb the other patrons in the restaurant. The brotha’s at the bar smiled in my direction. I guess letting me know my mishap was okay.

  “Get that phone and don’t be distracted,” Josie said as our food came at the same time.

  I was thrilled to hear my father on the other end of the line. “Hey, Dad!”

  In a deflated tone, he said, “It’s not good.”

  “What, what do you mean?” I said, feeling my heart race faster than a gazelle runs on its turf.

  “We took her to the hospital.” He paused and I was so scared.

  “Who, Dad?” I clinched my bosom.

  “Your grandma. I’m on my way up there right now and wanted to know if you could meet me at the hospital.”

  My mom’s mom had been in and out of the hospital for the past two years. I knew my mama would be upset that her mom was sick. I felt bad that I hadn’t called her in ages.

  “Dad, it will take me a while to get to Orangeburg,” I said, thinking through where my maternal grandma lived.

  “No, no it’s my mom,” he said as I held the phone.

  Now, not that I wouldn’t be upset if my maternal grandmother was in the hospital again, but I guess I kinda prepared myself that her life was coming to an end. However, I wasn’t prepared at all for my dad’s mom to be sick. I couldn’t lose her. She was my babies’ nana. I was just with her. She just talked to me.

  “What’s wrong with her?”

  “I’m not sure what’s going on, just meet me at the hospital. All I kn
ow is that she is in intensive care.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Josie picked up on the conversation. “You get over to the hospital and see what’s going on with your grandma. You want me to drive you?”

  “No, you have to get back to work.”

  “Alright, go take care of that. I’ve got lunch.” She touched my hand. “She’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah,” I said, barely able to stand or breathe.

  Driving eighty-five miles in a fifty-five mile zone, on my way to the hospital, I couldn’t believe that just when I thought things couldn’t get worse they were. I prayed all the way that Grandma was fine. Forget about my marriage, forget about my book, forget about my reputation, I just needed the lady who’d consistently connected with me all my life to be okay.

  When I located the waiting area of the intensive care unit (ICU), my dad was in there alone. He was looking out the window, shaking. Putting my arms around him from behind, he turned around and fell into my arms sobbing. Never had I ever seen my dad lose it. Yeah, he had shown lots of emotion before, when he would spank my butt when I was young. He even shed a tear when I got married, but nothing like this. I was glad my brother agreed to get my girls. Not that he couldn’t be here, but I knew how my dad felt. This lady lying in the hospital was both our hearts.

  I had to hold it together for him, even though I didn’t know what was wrong. Clearly it wasn’t good, with the way he was reacting. Just the thought of losing my grandmother made me cry with him. We were both a mess.

  My eighty-eight-year-old granddad came out from behind the steel doors, and said, “She’s talkin’ y’all. Wants to see you, son. Go on in there.”

  Dad wiped his eyes, and said, “I’ll be right back.”

  Only two people at a time could go back there. Being that his brother was already in there with my grandmother, I had to wait. But that gave me time to talk with my grandfather and figure out what in the world was going on.

  I threw up my hands with an unsure look on my face.

  My granddad said pitifully, “She had a stroke. She’s real weak. They say she’s going to be fine, that’s all I know. She won’t look the same, now that she can’t move part of her body. I remember when Caroline up the street had a stroke, then she had another one and died. I hope she’s going to be okay.”

  “She is going to be fine, so you don’t need to worry.” I knew I needed to keep my granddad lifted up, but I was honestly trying not to hear stories about folks dying. I had a lot of hope. I left his side, walked over to the window, and just looked up, though I didn’t say a word inwardly, I was praying for the Lord to fix this. The brightness of the cranberry sun made me believe she was going to be okay. Though I didn’t want this, He was God and He was in control. He had my grandma and whatever happened she was going to be okay. I just needed for me to be okay with whatever happened, and that part was harder.

  The hard waiting room couch had become so comfortable over the past couple of hours. As I waited for my turn to go in and visit Grandma. I had fallen asleep and dreamed of the day my girls would have a piano recital. Having my grandmother sitting right beside me squeezing my hand and saying, “I’m proud,” throughout their performance. And I could see the tears falling from her eyes from being proud.

  I woke up sweating. It was a lovely dream, but I wanted it to be our future. Grandma had to be okay. I needed her.

  “Oh, there you are,” I heard the familiar voice say as I turned from gazing out the window to my husband’s eyes.

  As my tongue slowly slid across my teeth, I wondered what I was going to say to him. I was an emotional wreck because I wanted my grandmother to be okay and also because my marriage was in shambles. There he stood before me though, and I didn’t know how to receive him. I didn’t want to mess it up by uttering the wrong thing. He didn’t reach out to hug me and I took my cue from him and stayed my distance.

  Though my husband would never appear in People magazine’s most beautiful issue, I was certainly attracted to him at that moment. What had turned me off months before, his weight and lack of dressing, now seemed to be a Dillon of the past. There he stood before me a toned two hundred thirty-five pound fine man, dressed smart-preppy casual in a dark brown suede jacket, new blue jeans, and some dope pointed-toe shoes.

  “How did you know about Grandma?”

  “Your dad called and asked me if I could pick up his sisters from the airport and bring them here.”

  “My aunts are here?” I asked with excitement.

  “Yes, and they should be right behind me somewhere. They had to stop off at the ladies room.” He looked concerned. “How are you holding up?”

  I was so taken aback. Just hearing my husband ask me those words meant a lot. For some odd reason, I couldn’t show it on the outside. I stayed strong and kinda acted like I didn’t care. Call me crazy, I don’t know why I did that, I should have jumped into his arms and apologized profusely. However, the ICU door opened and my father came out toward us. Therefore, I was saved from expressing anything personal.

  “How is she?” I asked.

  He shook Dillon’s hand. Looking back he smiled. “She is going to be alright, why don’t you two go in there.”

  Dillon said, “Your sister’s are here. They should be up in a minute.”

  “Thanks for getting them.”

  “No thanks owed,” Dillon said. “I’m family.”

  He said he was family, did that mean he was trying to save our relationship or was I having wishful-thinking thoughts racking my brain. Dillon motioned for me to enter first. I felt secure facing this with him.

  When I saw my grandmother, I couldn’t hold back the falling water that dripped from my eyes when I saw her frail body laying there. She was awake and, though her left side was drooped, she was smiling.

  “Y’all came to see me, Shari, baby?”

  “Shh, Grandma,” I said, wanting her to save her energy. “Don’t talk.”

  “Shh, yourself,” she said, getting a fiery spirit. “I’m fine, girl. What’s she talking about, Dillon?”

  He smiled at her. Then he pulled up a chair and grabbed my grandmother’s right hand. She squeezed it tight.

  He wiped her brow and said, “Oh, we don’t pay her any attention. We know you’re strong.”

  “That’s right. I’m gonna be around for years. Y’all might make it to heaven before me,” she said, making us laugh.

  After fifteen minutes the nurse came in and said she needed to change grandma. Dillon and I slid out of the way. We weren’t ready to leave totally.

  However, my spunky grandma, with what strength she had, pointed toward the door motioning for us to leave. “Now, y’all know I need my privacy.”

  I got up, kissed her on the forehead, and said, “We’ll be back.”

  “Now, I love y’all. I need for y’all to love each other and take care of them pretty babies, them my baby girls, I . . .” She was becoming emotional.

  I just couldn’t take it any more. Dillon grabbed my hand and tugged it gently outside. The embrace he gave me in the hallway took me to another world. A world where I had a husband that loved me. A world where I knew he would lead me into a safe place. But when he pulled away, and said he would talk to me soon to see how she was doing, I knew that world didn’t exist.

  Watching him walk pass the ICU desk as he thanked the busy nurses scattered around, I knew I was letting a gem get away. Sure we had problems. Sure it wasn’t easy. But he sure had a lot I loved, that I respected. When I pulled back all the crud of vain things, I could see the goodness and all the things that attracted me to him in the first place. And the one whole good thing about Grandma being in the hospital was that I realized life was precious and you shouldn’t take anything for granted.

  We had to make every moment count. But I couldn’t apply carpe diem because my feet were frozen. I couldn’t go after him. Something inside told me to give him space. As I started praying the more I realized that something was the Holy S
pirit that I had to be sensitive too. I didn’t want a quick fix, a Band-Aid type of approach. No, I needed true healing so that the scar would not even be left at the end of the day.

  When I got to the waiting room, I saw my mom seated with my aunt, Velda. Aunt Velda was considered to be a very charismatic Christian. My other aunt, Regina, had a sassy style and she was a divor-cée. Deep inside, I believed she was lonely. My mother had never been great friends with them. I remember going to visit their places a couple of times with my family growing up, but I could also remember my mom keeping her distance. I used to always feel that she was so standoffish and I hated that, but as I grew older I learned that my grandmother and her daughters were a little messy. And sometimes I worried and tried not to make any waves. Just steer clear of the water, and my mom was smart in that respect, but funny when she asked me to please take my aunts to dinner.

  My mom said, “They want to visit with their mom, then go. They are really hungry and your dad doesn’t want to leave. Can you do that for me? I’m going to go home and get your girls from your brother, so I can’t.”

  “I’m not doing anything up here. Yeah, sure,” I said.

  Being concerned, she said, “When you want to talk we can. I know some stuff is going on with Dillon. But I love you. I’m here for you.”

  Fighting through the silence, I hugged her and said, “I love you, Mom.”

  She appreciated the closeness, which was weird because all growing up it was like she was never a big hugger, but right then and there, the smile she displayed as we embraced, told me the gesture meant a lot to her.

  My mom left, and my aunts stood up and hugged me for a minute before they went in to visit with their mom. I sat there alone, gazing out that same hospital window. All of a sudden the hospital staff started rushing toward the ICU. I stepped into the unit and saw that my grandmother had all of a sudden become critical. I dropped to my knees and looked up to the sky and prayed to God for help.

  Chapter 12

  Breeze

  I felt like I was the one that needed to be admitted to the hospital as I stood there trembling, watching three nurses and two doctors flee into my grandmother’s room. They ran past me so fast I felt the air change. My aunts and I tried to go in too but other nurses, not working on my grandmother, tried to clear out the ICU area.