Deep Surrendering: Episode Five

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  I wasn’t disappointed.

  “Tada! It’s for your lover boy’s homecoming. Does this say welcome back or what?” She wiggled her dark eyebrows as I took in the bra and panty set. It was red, white, and blue, but it was a more subtle tribute to the American flag. White lace bloomed on the red bra and edged the blue panties.

  “Thank you, Sloane. They’re really pretty.” I looked around and found her interns and employees staring at me.

  “Go and try them on,” she said, pushing me behind a curtain. That was also part of the deal. You had to put the stuff on. I wasn’t sure about modeling the skimpy outfit in front of everyone, but then I heard a noise and realized it was Sloane snapping her fingers.

  “Hey, get back to work. Nothing to see here,” she snapped. “Honestly, I think I need to start doing some firing. Bunch of slackers I’ve got.” She stood just on the other side of the curtain.

  “Let me know when you’ve got it on so I can check the fit.” I put the set on and, of course, they fit as if they’d been custom made for me. Because they had.

  “Okay,” I said, and Sloane stepped behind the curtain. She put one hand on her hip and made a circle with her other, bracelets jingling.

  I made a slow circle, and she poked and checked. “Looks good. How does it feel?” she asked after making me do another turn.

  “You know it fits perfect. Stop fishing for compliments.” She stuck her tongue out at me and gave me a little pat on the butt.

  “Don’t be sassy.” She ducked out from behind the curtain, and I put my clothes back on. She took the bra and panties from me and wrapped them up with a bow.

  “So, how are things?” I asked, leaning on one of her tables that was scattered with drawings and sketches.

  “Moving along. Busy. Work. That’s pretty much it. And it’s been a while, if you know what I mean,” she said with a wink. “Rory getting all this action is reminding me how much fun it is to have sex with a guy. But I’m not jealous.” She tacked on the last part hastily.

  “No, no. Not at all.” I couldn’t help but smile. It was so good to see one of my very best friends. We chatted some more about her work, and I told her more details about Fin, and she kept sighing and saying how romantic it was and how we were going to have this epic love story. Well, I didn’t know about that. And obviously I didn’t tell her anything about our sexcapades or any of his secrets. It was easier than I thought to skim over those little things and just talk about everything else.

  “Listen, I have to get back to work. The minions are getting restless, but we need to have dinner or go out to the bar soon. I’ll see if I can get Rory to bring her ginger,” she said.

  “Sounds good. I’ll talk with Chlo and we’ll work something out.” I gave her a quick hug before taking my new lingerie and heading back to my apartment.

  “I got something you’re really going to like today,” I said when Fin called me to video chat that night. He said he couldn’t talk long because he was heading out soon to leave for Germany, but it didn’t matter. As long as I could see his face and hear his voice.

  “Did you now?” He arched an eyebrow, and I grinned at him, liking the fact that I had something to hold over him. Something he didn’t know for a change.

  “Yup. You won’t get to see it until you come back though.” He practically growled, and if he were here, I would have thrown myself at him.

  “I know something you don’t know,” I sang, and he glared at me, his eyes narrowing to slits. “Sorry, but this is highly enjoyable. You’re usually the one who has secrets.”

  “Oh, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of secrets, Mari Cherry. Everyone has secrets. Some just have more than others.” True story.

  “Do you feel any better than you did last night? We got kind of heavy there,” I said, and he rubbed his face like he hadn’t gotten much sleep. I couldn’t wait until he was back in the United States and I could nag him more about sleeping.

  “I’m fine. Just tired as usual.” He gave me what he probably thought was a reassuring smile, but it wasn’t. I was worried about him. So I thought of a compromise.

  “How about this. How about if I show you my secret, you’ll agree that you’ll go to sleep. I know you can’t force yourself to sleep, but your body reaches a certain point and then it crashes. From the look of things, you’re near that point.” I didn’t have to be in the same room with him to see it. He wasn’t doing well.

  “I also want you to eat something.” His cheekbones, prominent as ever, were even more so. How had I not seen that? I guess I’d just been so happy to see him that I didn’t notice.

  “Marisol, I’m fine,” he said, and I shook my head.

  “Stop telling me that. I’m not asking for much. I just want you to be healthy.”

  He rubbed his face again. “Fine. Do you want me to eat in front of you?” That seemed a little creepy.

  “No. I just want you to promise me that you will eat something and get some sleep. I trust you.”

  He stared at me for a long time and then he nodded slowly. “Okay. So what do you have to show me?”

  “Be right back.” I hopped off the bed and went to unwrap the set and hold it up for him.

  “See? Sloane made them for me. They’re sort of patriotic, don’t you think?” I wiggled my eyebrows as Fin stared at the lingerie, his face morphing into disappointment.

  “What’s wrong? Don’t you like them?”

  “I’d like them more if you were in them.” Oh was that how it was going to be?

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” I sat up and stripped off my shirt and then the bra I was wearing, listening with pleasure as Fin’s breath caught.

  “On second thought, I’m liking the direction this is going,” he said, his eyes going dark.

  I still picked up the bra and put it on, then stripped off my bottom half and put on the panties.

  “What do you think?”

  “I like you naked. But, as far as lingerie goes, they’re lovely. And lovelier for having you wearing them.”

  I blushed. “You sure know how to compliment a woman, Fin.” I spun around, giving him a shot of the back and did a little booty shake. “I need music.”

  Fin started making what sounded like a bass beat and I danced a little, feeling foolish.

  “Okay, that’s enough of that,” I said, putting my shirt on over the bra so it wouldn’t be a distraction. “I should probably let you go so you can eat and get some sleep.”

  “I suppose,” he said, and I could tell he probably wanted to talk more, but we’d have time soon.

  “Signing off,” I said with a little salute.

  “Goodnight, Marisol. I’ll see you next when I’m in Deutschland.”

  “Have a safe trip,” I said, and waved as the video cut off. I picked up my phone and sent him a text.

  Eat something. Go to bed. TTYL.

  His response was quick.

  Will do.

  Fin arrived safely in Germany, and sent me a message confirming that he’d eaten and slept and was anxious to talk to me. We video chatted that night, and he looked a lot better. The next week was busy for him, so we didn’t talk much, but I spent it preparing for an oral presentation and an exam, and working with my charity groups. I had another candle party, which Chloe assisted me with, and I made a killing. She was a fabulous salesperson, and I agreed that she could be my full-time assistant and get a percentage of my profits. Of course, she told me that assisting me fell within the boundaries of friendship, and she would only take payment in the form of dinner and drinks. I’d chosen my best friend well.

  I went out to see my parents that Saturday, and I could feel the tension building as I got closer to their place. I rented a car since I didn’t have my own and rarely left the city.

  That was my mother’s first criticism. The car.

  “What is this thing you’re driving?” I’d picked out a nice little sedan. There wasn’t anything wrong with the car but somehow my mother had found something. />
  I ignored her and went to hug my dad. We got along fairly well, but I could never enjoy my time with him because Mom was always there to ruin it.

  “Marisol, I asked you a question. What is this you’re driving?” She gestured to the little red car.

  “It’s a car. I rented it. I don’t have my own, remember? I’m trying to save money and it’s not worth it for me,” I said as we walked into the house.

  “What about that car we bought you?” she asked as I followed Dad through the house and into the den. My parents had one of those stuffy houses that you always felt uncomfortable in. The chairs were all hard, the furniture more like a museum than a home.

  “What car?” I asked, completely confused.

  “The car we bought you for your birthday,” she said as if I was being purposefully difficult.

  “Mom, that was a long time ago. We sold it, remember?”

  She glared at me and then recognition dawned. “Oh, yes. That’s right.” I looked at Dad, confused. He wouldn’t meet my eyes. What was going on?

  I made a mental note and changed the subject, asking about the remodeling project. Mom jumped right up and led me through the house to show me what she’d done since I’d been here last. Either she was really busy, or it’d been a while since I was here.

  It was both.

  I noticed other things, the longer I stayed at the house. Dad hovered around Mom and kept cutting her off when she’d talk about things. He took charge of the conversation and also wouldn’t let her lift a finger. Granted, that was pretty much par for the course, but it set off a few red flags for me.

  I searched for an opening where I could talk to him alone but couldn’t seem to find one. Maybe I could somehow call him when Mom wasn’t around and ask him.

  Sure, my parents were getting older, but they weren’t old.

  I was so distracted about watching Mom and catching the weird vibes that most of her little quips rolled off my back. Or maybe I’d become immune at this point.

  And then Mom asked about Fin. I knew he was going to come up eventually.

  “So, how are things with your young man?” He wasn’t mine, but I ignored that.

  “He’s good. Busy with work. He just got to Germany, and then he’s going to England before he gets back.” I kept the details to a minimum.

  “He must make good money,” she said. Yup, the money was the most important. Sure, it was nice to know Fin wasn’t living in his parent’s basement and mooching off of them, but money wasn’t everything. That was one thing I knew to be true.

  “I haven’t asked,” I said, and that set her off.

  “Well, if I were you, I’d want to know. You need to know if he can support you,” she said, snapping her napkin and laying it over her lap as Dad poured her some tea.

  “We’re not getting married,” I said. I knew I could say this until I was blue in the face, but it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.

  She made a disapproving sound and stirred her tea. I sipped mine, burning my mouth. Didn’t matter.

  “Hey, Dad, let me help you with that,” I said as he took some of the dishes back into the kitchen. This might be my only chance to talk to him.

  “No, I’ve got it. You stay and chat with your mother,” he said, smiling. I figured that was what he’d say.

  “Well, I think I’m just going to get a glass of water then,” I said, standing and following him despite his protests.

  As soon as we were in the kitchen and the swinging door closed, I confronted him.

  “What’s up with Mom?” He gaped at me for a moment, and then set the dishes down on the counter.

  “Nothing, why do you ask?” This was another reason I had a hard time with my dad. He couldn’t be direct about things. Right now I just wanted him to be straight with me. Cut the bullshit.

  “Dad. I’m not an idiot, and I really don’t want to do this verbal tap dance with you. Something is up.” I didn’t want to assume anything, so I didn’t say out loud what my suspicions were.

  “She’s fine, Marisol. And you don’t need to worry.” His voice was firm, and it was one of the only times he’d used that tone with me. It was clear. He wasn’t going to talk, and I wasn’t to ask about it again. Case closed.

  He went to the cupboard and got a glass, filling it with filtered water from the refrigerator before pressing it into my hand.

  “You should get back to your mother,” he said. I opened my mouth to say something, but there was nothing to say. I closed it and went back into the dining room.

  I left my parents’ house soon after, and I still didn’t know what was going on. Honestly, I was pissed.

  Why in the hell had Dad shut me down? If there was something wrong with Mom, then I wanted to know. Sure, we didn’t get along, but she was my mother. If there was something happening to her, medically, or otherwise, I wanted to know.

  I dropped the car off at the rental place and ended up walking home. It was a bit far, but I needed to clear my mind. The wind that whipped down the streets wasn’t enough to make me feel better though.

  For the millionth time, I wished Fin was here. He’d have just the right words to say to make me feel better. And he’d probably take me to the bedroom for a while and that would be even better.

  But he wasn’t here, and I didn’t want to bother him. So I texted Chloe. She had a complicated relationship with her parents, so I didn’t know if she’d understand, but she was still my best friend.

  She messaged me back right away.

  Aw, I’m sorry. Want to come over and talk?

  I texted back that I did, and when I got to my apartment, I kept walking to Chloe’s. We lived so close that it wasn’t much further to her place.

  She handed me a glass of wine the second I walked through the door and gave me a hug.

  “Thanks. I just … I don’t know what to think,” I said, and we sat on the couch together. I told her about Mom’s little memory lapse and Dad being weird, and I knew, deep down, what was wrong. Or at least had an inkling of what was happening.

  Chloe listened silently.

  “And now I feel like shit for not being around,” I said, sighing. I kept getting these hot and cold feelings of dread. What was I going to do?

  I felt marginally better after I talked to Chloe, but not completely. She reassured me, and that was enough for now. I was definitely going to be calling my parents more often, that was for sure. And Dad had shut me down, but I wasn’t going to stop until I knew what was going on. He might not want to talk to me today, but I wasn’t going to stop trying.

  After having dinner, I sat down and found myself feeling nostalgic, so I got up and grabbed one of the photo albums my parents had given me. One of my hobbies that I hadn’t much time for lately was photography. When I was a kid, I’d taken a lot of pictures and many of my Christmas and birthday presents had been cameras.

  As I flipped through the pages, I saw pictures of my parents, most of them taken candidly. I was an extremely sneaky photographer when I wanted to be.

  I found my favorite picture—one of them dancing. Dad had grabbed Mom and spun her around in the kitchen when they thought no one was looking. I’d caught her with her head thrown back in a laugh, Dad smiling at her. They’d had happy moments, but they’d been private about them. It was a different way of living than what I wanted.

  Fin called me early, and I beamed when his face came up on the computer screen. The only thing better than seeing him and hearing his voice would be him saying he was coming home early.

  “Hey!” I said, waving like a dork. Somehow, even after weeks of talking to him every day, the idea of Fin still made my heart race. Like the first time I saw him.

  “Hello, Marisol.” Oh, he was definitely happy this evening. “How was your day?” I told him about visiting my parents and completely left out the part about Mom. I didn’t mean to, but I just didn’t want to bitch about my parents in the little time we had together. And my problems were nothing compared to what
he had with his parents. So I kept my mouth shut as he told me that they’d signed a huge new account, and he’d been the one to make the winning pitch. He got so excited he started gesturing with his hands.

  It was adorable.

  “Congratulations. You should have a glass of champagne to celebrate.”

  “I may have already done so,” he said, leaning into the camera and whispering before putting his finger to his lips.

  “It’s okay,” I stage whispered. “I won’t tell anyone.” And I was pretty sure he’d had more than one glass of champagne, which was probably why his eyes were so bright. I should have known.

  “Well, I feel left out.” I had a glass of wine at Chloe’s, but that had been hours ago.

  “I haven’t been drunk in a long time,” Fin said, scrubbing his head with his hand. His movements were less … controlled was the only word I could think of. I’d never seen this side of him before.

  “The last time I got drunk, I blacked out,” he said, his face falling. “That wasn’t a very good night.”

  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, but I asked anyway.

  “When was that?”

  “The first time I left you. I didn’t know what to do, so I got wasted. Completely wasted. When that didn’t work, I went to see Sapphire. And you know the rest.” I did. He’d told me about Sapphire already, and I knew he’d gone to see her, but hadn’t been able to … continue. I’d thought about the woman Fin met when he was sixteen. They’d known each other for nearly ten years now. It was hard to fathom.

  “I didn’t know that part. The getting drunk part,” I said.

  “It didn’t seem worth mentioning. I don’t know why I’m bringing it up now,” he said, shrugging one shoulder.