The Lone Ranger Returns

by Michael Anderle

  I needed to stop thinking about my predicament.

  I listened but heard nothing clomp clomping down the hallway, so I grabbed the edge of the counter and hauled myself up. As I moved toward the door, I heard some moaning, but that was it.

  I pulled the door all the way open, ignored the last decorative effort of the chef, and looked down the hall.

  I saw a Yollin lying in the middle of the crossing of the halls, and a metal head. The rest of the armored body was hidden behind the wall.

  “Grim?”

  The Yollin’s head turned, his mandibles slowly clicking. “You Grimeses are hell to follow,” he moaned. I started down the hall, looking over my shoulder to make sure I didn’t have some Engineering weenie about to shoot me in the back.

  “What did you do?” I asked as I got closer and saw that the armored suit was dead, face-down and immoveable. “Is he alive?”

  “She, I think,” Grim mumbled and turned over to peer up at me.

  “You shouldn’t lie down during attacks.” I looked around the four hallways, but the only bodies were the ones we had killed. “It doesn’t look good.”

  “Says you,” he grumped, but rolled over again and pushed to his feet. I kicked the suit. “What the hell?” I asked and looked at him.

  “Know the suits of armor that are active and their weaknesses,” he told me. “It was something your grandfather always told us.”

  The blood drained from my face. “No fucking way…” I whispered.

  He looked at me and nodded. “Yes, fucking way,” he replied and glanced around. As I stepped toward the wall, I noticed a black case that had fallen to the floor, which he reached down to pick up. He glanced at me. “One day, your…”

  I put up my hand. “Don’t say it. Let me believe for one goddamned minute that the person who saved me wasn’t in some form or fashion helped in his past by my bastard of a grandfather.”

  While I was bitching, Grim stepped over to the suit of armor and knelt, taking out another tool. “I fucked up the first tool shorting the two connections. He was too focused on blowing you to bits to realize he had someone on his six.”

  “His six?” I asked.

  He shot me a look. “You don’t know what a person’s six is?”

  “Of course I fucking know what a person’s six is.” I exhaled. “I’m a Grimes. It was in the Grimes baby book.”

  Grim stared at me for a moment, his large mandibles opening, then closing, then opening again. “I can’t tell if you are joking.”

  Incoming, Meredith sent.

  I checked my HUD, twisted to the right, and fired two shots. Both Skaines who had come around the corner were blasted in their shoulders. Their pistols fell, and both went to the floor, trying to hold their blood in.

  “Guess the family talk can wait,” Grim suggested.

  “Agreed.” I nodded back the way the armored statue had come from. “Let’s get the bridge taken care of and pull this baby out of here.”

  We both ran down the hall, my body finally patched up enough that Meredith was letting me feel the pain again.

  Don’t suppose you would keep the pain dialed down for a while? I asked as I checked my HUD again. I took a left at the next hallway, a few steps Grim behind me.

  Before the turn that would take us to the last hallway and the bridge of the ship, I reached into my bag and pulled out a small triangular rod. I halted and unclipped one of my belt pouches, opened it, and looked at the six silver balls inside.

  Grim stopped behind me. “What are those?”

  I took the two on the far right. “Some of my aunt’s favorite toys,” I replied and tossed them into the air. They zipped around the corner and hovered five feet above the deck. I watched the video input on my HUD.

  “Who the hell is your aunt? You are too damned crazy to believe.”

  “You haven’t seen anything yet,” I replied. “Crazy comes calling when I get my hands on grenades or when I say, ‘Hey Grim, watch this shit!’”

  Surprisingly, the corridor was clear. I sent the video drones into the bridge. “There you are,” I murmured as I found two Skaines hiding behind the doors, holding high-level blasters.

  I considered the shielding they were behind. “Can’t shoot them from here.”

  Grim stepped around me, his body causing me to take a step back so he could look around the corner. “I don’t see anyone.”

  “That’s what they want,” I told him. “They are camped out on the other side of the door.

  “You can’t shoot through the shielding around the entry to the bridge.”

  “Who are you teaching basic Skaine boarding techniques to here, Tweedle-dee?” I asked. “Geez, you act like I’m a wet-behind-the-ears grunt Guardian Marine or something.”

  He looked at me. “You aren’t?”

  “Hell, no,” I told him and threw two more little silver spheres into the air. They zipped onto the bridge as I watched the video. Although it should have been damn near impossible, they both jinked into ninety-degree turns as they entered. Both the Skaines’ heads exploded in gore, drenching the areas behind them as their bodies dropped to the floor.

  “Gah!” I bitched as I hit Grim on the chest and started running toward the bridge. “Someone is going to have to clean that up.”

  “Clean what up?” he asked. I stayed quiet as I ran past the opening.

  Seconds later, he called from behind me, “Oh. Shit, woman! Warn a guy next time!”

  “I did,” I answered as I sat down in the captain’s chair and started punching buttons. “Find a seat,” I told him as I hit the tab to take me to communications. “Hey, that guy in the armor you drop-punched was the captain.”

  “Wasn’t drop-punching anything. I knew the deficiencies of powered armor. As for the captain, why didn’t you think of that already?” While he spoke, I could hear clinks as he messed with the seat’s restraining devices.

  “Sure, but it’s nice to know,” I told him, connecting the captain’s communication link to the space station. I checked the ship’s accounts. “Wow, we are loaded,” I murmured.

  “What?” Grim answered as he fumbled some more with the restraint harness for his chair. He quit trying to figure it out, disgusted. “Don’t crash,” he told me. “Otherwise, we went through all those impossible battles while I was still healthy, wealthy, and wise, only to have me become a splat on the inside viewing screen.”

  The ship had apparently come back from a successful mission trading in slaves and contraband. The number of credits in the ship’s accounts was impressive.

  “This is Skaine Ship DD-76-PyK3r,” I told the stationmaster. I glanced at Grim, who had grabbed a ship’s tablet.

  He looked up. “Meredith still has everyone locked in their rooms, so nobody can mess with the engines, gravity, or environmental.”

  “Good to know,” I told him.

  The station replied, “Ship DD-76-PyK3r, what is your request?”

  “I need to leave, have my ship registry changed, and…” I flicked through the screens on the captain’s display, “be topped off with fuel.” I realized what I had just said and added, “Not necessarily in that order.”

  “Request for fuel purchase has been sent. I have your approval to pull from the ship's funds to a maximum of two thousand credits. We have you in the queue for fifteen minutes for fuel, and we also have a request to speak with a Captain Mong’leck relating to a bunch of his people who are now dead or severely wounded. Your marine detachment is making a number of people very annoyed.”

  Well, crap. I had forgotten about those guys. “Define ‘very annoyed,’” I requested, checking the locks on the ship.

  “They are shooting at each other. We made multiple calls to your ship, but they have been ignored.”

  Was that you, Meredith? I asked my internal EI.

  Yes. It seemed like a secondary issue when we were dodging organic homing missiles.

  Too true.

  “I understand, Stationmaster. I will s
end detailed instructions for them to stand down, but I assure you, they are not out there with instructions to shoot up your station. We were trying to bring back a human female when your bar customers started shooting our people.”

  “Your away team was destroying the bar. What did you expect?” he asked.

  While he was talking, I confirmed the amount of fuel we would need to safely get to the next logical station that wouldn’t know about an issue here.

  Don’t worry, Meredith sent. I’m in their computers and set a flag to re-route any messages about this ship. Further, I’m finished. We have a new download re-flagging this ship as Torcellan.

  How the hell? I asked.

  Don’t ask, don’t tell, Meredith replied. It’s something we have been able to do since Ranger Two intercepted and stopped a horrible act of piracy a century ago.

  How many little cheats do you have?

  As of yesterday?

  Well, sure.

  Twelve thousand, four hundred and thirty-five. Also, I have confirmed we have more than enough fuel for three of the five locations I’d like to go to.

  That’s…incredible, I finished. Stop fueling, and I assume, based on your abilities, you can unhook us?

  Yes.

  Make it happen.

  Will do.

  I watched the screens to confirm the fuel wasn’t flowing and the locks were disengaged before I replied to the stationmaster.

  “I expected…” I ground out in the Skaine language. I rather hated Skaine, to be honest; the language was too guttural for my preference. “…you to allow the Skaine Mercenary Police to do their job and help us, not make me send in multiple groups for support.” I hit the buttons, informing those few still on the ship that we were leaving. The silent running lights flashed, while the red light of movement came on in every location on the ship. “However,” I finished, “I now expect those who are on your station to submit to your authority or die.”

  That last, I said in the language of the Etheric Federation. It took my station contact only two seconds to realize he had been had. I saw the locks try to extend, then shut down again.

  Meredith was on the job.

  “WHO IS THIS?” he yelled at me.

  “Why is everyone so bossy?” I asked no one in particular as my fingers raced over the controls of the ship.

  “Meredith!” I called. Grim was surprised when she answered me through the speakers on the bridge.

  “Yes?”

  Grim’s mandibles stayed open.

  I turned to my left, yanking down another video screen and pulling up the arsenal. I hit two commands and locked the missiles down until I gave an override. “We ready to kick this pig?”

  “Yes.”

  “Pull us out,” I commanded, my future falling invisibly over me like a blanket. I could feel everything I had fought for so long hugging me like a long-lost lover. This time I didn’t fight it.

  Rather, I embraced it right back.

  “I said,” the stationmaster’s voice was loud and annoying as he screeched, “WHO IS THIS?”

  I turned off my communications with him for a moment and turned on the ship-wide speakers.

  “Hello.” I spoke common Skaine, although I was pretty sure they all would understand me in Federation. “This is the new captain of this ship, temporarily redesignated the Penitent Granddaughter. Since you are now employees of this ship, not slaves, we need to get a few things understood.”

  I kicked in the push-off jets. Take us toward Syberius 7755.

  Where are we going from there?

  It’s a short hop, but it will throw off our followers, who will want this ship back.

  “First, I am not here to listen to your bitching. If you want to make a complaint about the new management, please write it on a paper form and then step outside the ship to deliver to the nearest station or spaceport. Since we will be in space, that might take you a while to find. If you choose to try to mess with this ship, you will be stopped, and we will kick you out the airlock in the general direction of the nearest planet. Should we be close to a planet, we will watch your body burn up in the atmosphere.” I looked at the time. “We will have a meeting with Engineering, Janitorial, and what is left of the security group at the top of the hour.”

  I left the all-ship comm on as I turned back to the space station and clicked the communication connection.

  “WE WILL BE SENDING OUT SHIPS!” My favorite stationmaster was yelling through our connection. I wondered if his voice was getting hoarse. “YOU WILL TURN AROUND AND ALLOW THESE…”

  I cut him off. “Motherfucker!” I yelled back as the ship turned and the rear engines kicked in. “This is Meredith Nicole Grimes, the granddaughter of John Grimes, the Empress’ Bitch. While others can call me ‘Nickie…’”

  I felt the final activation of my upgrades turn on as Meredith read my intentions and my conviction.

  “You may call me ‘Ranger Two.’”

  The sputtering on the other side of the line stopped. I reached up and wiped away a tear before I unlocked a small belt pouch. From inside, I pulled out a chain that wasn’t new.

  In fact, it was well over a hundred years old. It had been around the neck of one of my best friends as I grew up. She had been everything to me, and I had believed my grandfather was responsible for her going away.

  At least, he had been the one who told me the news.

  I had never told Auntie Tabitha how much I loved her. How much her reading me stories or telling me of her adventures with those Tontos of hers excited me.

  That I worshipped the ground she walked on.

  How much Ranger Two setting down her badge to follow the Empress into space to rarely come back had hurt.

  I unwrapped the chain that supported a pendant bearing a number in the circle. I lifted it up and over my head and pulled my hair back to rest the chain against my neck. I made sure the symbol could be easily seen on my chest.

  “That’s preposterous!” the station’s commander finally replied. “The Federation doesn’t use the Rangers anymore. They were disbanded!”

  I leaned forward to punch the button to activate the video, then leaned back with a hard smile on my face. I watched as he looked at the emblem and realized that for me to call myself a Ranger would be my death warrant if I were lying.

  “She’s gone,” was all he said.

  “The Lone Ranger is back,” I replied. “I suggest everyone realize the law can’t be killed.”

  I disconnected.

  You realize that you just told everyone on the ship that you are the boogeyman? Ranger Tabitha doesn’t have a good reputation with the Skaines.

  You mean, she had a horrible reputation with the Skaines. Her defeating and taking over one of their battleships still butt-hurts them to this day.

  Combine that with your name, and you just put a price on your head.

  I’m lazy, I told Meredith. It means they will come to me. Easier than having to chase them all over the galaxy.

  So it isn’t the “Lone Ranger,” but rather the “Lazy Ranger?”

  I prefer to say the “Recalcitrant Ranger” has matured to the “Efficient Ranger.”

  You weren’t a Ranger until now.

  Point taken, I conceded.

  I moved the video displays out of the way and stood. Grim came to his feet slowly, his eyes tracking mine as he straightened. He put his hand out to shake, so I took it. “I have never,” he told me, “been so proud to have a friend.”

  I put my other hand over his. “Well, I know it isn’t my amazing good looks that have had you following me.”

  “No, Ranger Two. It was your willingness to stand up in that bar and blow the shit out of those Skaines.”

  I thought back to that issue; it had happened not that long ago. “They destroyed my shoe.”

  “It had nothing to do with the fact that the Skaines were attacking people?”

  I thought about it for a moment before releasing his hand and looking him in the eye.
“I was dead when they came in, Grim. I had been on a thirty-day bender, trying to forget a deceased friend. They took me out of that death to my destiny. If you want, I’ll drop you off at a safe place as soon as I can.”

  His mandibles moved in the way that told me he was anxious. “And you?”

  I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, then turned toward the video screen. Meredith turned it on, giving me a view of the stars ahead of us. I presumed the station was behind us.

  “I’ll be going out there,” I pointed, “with a fiery ship going the speed of light, a cloud of explosions, and a hearty ‘fuck you, criminals’ everywhere I can.”

  “Got room on that ship for one more?” he asked.

  When I turned back to Grim, I had a small smile playing on my lips. “Damn right, Tonto.”

  * * *

  FINIS

  Death Becomes Her

  Have you read the story that launched The Kurtherian Gambit series from Michael Anderle?

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