Kamby Bolongo Mean River

by Robert Lopez

  The caller said that's a great idea and then hung up in my face.

  Should this caller call back I will ask how it went and for every possible detail.

  If the people of Injury knew I was here they would storm the gates and set me free. They would slay the MPs and security guards patrolling up and down for intruders and then they would murder the doctors in their white coats and clipboards.

  Afterward they would carry me home on their shoulders and lay me down on the banks of the kamby bolongo. There I would bathe myself and enjoy a lavish homecoming with singing and dancing and sandwiches and coleslaw.

  In the kamby bolongo I would soothe the chafed parts especially.

  Mother taught us how to play tic-tac-toe at the kitchen table so we wouldn't bother her when she was eating. Mother liked it quiet when she was eating. She said she had a long day at work fending off her cruel and unusual boss who was a pervert. She said he showed her his situation right there in the middle of the office. She said he said what do you think about this and Mother said I think I'm fired again.

  She said she couldn't stand the sight of his situation and this is why she wanted us quiet like that.

  So what would happen at the table is Charlie and I would play tic-tac-toe without saying a word to each other about it. Since we weren't allowed to sit next to each other it wasn't easy to play but that didn't matter apparently. What we'd do is pass a notebook and pen back and forth the same as we would the sandwiches and coleslaw.

  Mother would eat her sandwich and coleslaw and think about her day.

  How we knew Mother was thinking about her day is I asked her once. I said what are you doing Mother and this is when she said I am thinking about my day. The way she said it was please stop talking and play your stupid fucking tic-tac-toe game.

  Charlie and I never liked playing tic-tac-toe but we played anyway because why bother.

  Should the phone ring I will rip the phone out of the wall this time. I will throw the phone on the floor and dance a jig all over it. I will dance and dance until one of them comes in here and makes me stop.

  Sometimes when they don't like what I'm doing they come in here and make me stop. They never do this when I'm masturbating which is why I think they like it when I masturbate. Another reason I think they like it when I masturbate is they bring me baby oil to masturbate with. They do this so I won't chafe is what I think. I think if I were to chafe there it would undermine their experiments and then they won't get to come in here and make me stop whatever it is they don't want me to do.

  How they make me stop is two of them will grab my arms and another two will grab my legs and the four of them will hold me aloft like I am on the rack. This is what it must feel like to be drawn and quartered is what I tell them but they always tell me to be quiet. Then I tell the two who grab my legs not to touch the part that's chafed. The insides of my thighs are rubbed raw because I sweat a lot and when I sweat too much I chafe. It is hard for me to walk myself around when this happens.

  The reason I sweat too much is because of the air conditioning. I always tell the doctor who explains what I can and cannot do about the air conditioning but it never changes in here. The good thing is the men who hold my legs almost always remember not to touch the chafed parts. They might have to touch them in the initial struggle but they will not maintain a grip there. They will hold me like this until I calm down. I usually get upset for a while when they hold me like this. They tell me not to struggle but I forget sometimes and struggle anyway.

  I also get upset with the phone sometimes. Always with the ringing and the dial tone but not being able to dial out and the words and the hello how are you and I'm fine I have a headache today I'm busy I have to go now I have something on the stove can I call you back I will leave you a message.

  I love air conditioning the same way I love answering machines and uniforms. As long as we have these three things in the world everything is fine.

  God was a genius the day he invented air conditioning.

  It was very hot that day and God was sweating. Why it was hot is because a fire kindled in his anger and it would burn unto the lowest hell and shall consume the earth with her increase and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.

  I don't know why God was angry that day but it could've been because of Charlie. Charlie always made Mother angry so why would God be any different. Mother would catch Charlie doing something she didn't like like pummeling me against her stole ropes or punching me in the stomach because I was always the better singer and she would say to Charlie goddamned you Charlie and maybe God himself heard that and did what Mother said.

  So when God said he would heap mischiefs upon them and spend his arrows upon them he probably meant Charlie more than anyone else. So when he said they shall be burnt with hunger and devoured with burning heat and bitter destruction what he meant was Charlie shall be burnt with hunger and devoured with burning heat and bitter destruction.

  I saw this after I'd give Charlie his breakfast drink of raw eggs and milk. He would come out of the bathroom after throwing up and say to me I'm starving hungry and need sandwiches and coleslaw and this is when I'd tell him that he was in training. He would say but I'm sick and I would press my hand to his forehead and sure enough he was burning with fever.

  So when God got angry at Charlie and the fire kindled in his anger he did what he did with the burning heat and destruction and then said to Charlie look at what you made me do Charlie.

  Charlie probably had that stupid look on his face like after I'd knock him out with a dangerous combination.

  This is why God had to invent air conditioning it was because of Charlie.

  Charlie the brilliant bastard responsible like always.

  Sometimes Charlie and I would sit in the living room and sweat instead of meditating. This is because it was too hot to do anything else and still Mother wouldn't get us an air conditioner.

  When she came home that day we spoke to her about the air conditioning. We said Mother we need an air conditioner in here and if we don't get one soon we don't know what. Then I told her I was sweating and when I sweat too much I chafe and when I chafe the insides of my thighs are rubbed raw. Charlie said he's right as a way of agreeing with me but before she could answer I kept on saying if I keep sweating like this I will dehydrate and die and is that what you want Mother.

  I don't remember what Mother said to this but it wouldn't surprise me if she said we all have to make sacrifices so the answer is no. She probably said millions of people don't have air conditioning and for millions of years people didn't have air conditioning so why don't you make yourself useful and shut the fuck up.

  This is another reason we can all thank God that we weren't one of the poor bastards who lived in a world without air conditioning before air conditioning. You wonder how people survived without air conditioning before air conditioning. You wonder if people had to drink extra water so they wouldn't dehydrate and die from all the sweating.

  You wonder how much powder people needed back then.

  Charlie and I would have to sit naked in our living room because it was too hot otherwise. We promised not to look at each other's situations though sometimes we couldn't help it.

  Charlie's situation was like the rest of him meaning you looked at it and said whatever.

  It was so hot sometimes Charlie called it an inferno which it certainly was. He said it's like purgatory and Hades in here combined. He said we should all get used to it because the judgment was coming and this was like a preview of the everlasting hereafter.

  Charlie Charlie Charlie is what I'd say whenever he'd say things like that.

  There is almost no way to draw a stick air conditioner. I have tried many times and it never comes out right.

  I want to draw the perfect stick air conditioner this way when the doctor comes in here next I can point to it and say what does that remind you of.

  Charlie and I also watched submarine movies because sometimes you ca
n't find boxing or Chinese karate movies on and you have to do something.

  We'd pretend we were submariners ourselves and we'd say things like reverse the starboard engines and man overboard port side.

  Charlie said he might want to join the navy and I told him he had no chance. Charlie couldn't swim and you can't have someone like that in the navy.

  We were so crazy for submarine movies that I would tell Charlie to keep his port up instead of saying keep your left up. I would scream from the corner watch out for an overhand starboard but even then Charlie would get himself knocked out instead of doing what I said.

  The doctor who comes in here has a white coat and clipboard and I can never understand what he says to me half the time. Sometimes it's because of the words and the rest of the time it's his voice. His voice is like a horrible air conditioner that makes more noise than it blows out cold air. It's the kind of air conditioner that sounds like torture it sounds like a bird flew into the back of the air conditioner and is being ripped apart in there. Whenever this happens the air conditioner doesn't work the way it should which is my point exactly.

  This is how the doctor's voice sounds to me half the time.

  Should the phone ring I hope it's Charlie. I have spoken the hello how are you with too many callers since the last time I spoke with him. I am ready now to do it with Charlie.

  When they let me leave here I want to return to my native home of Injury Alaska alongside the banks of the kamby bolongo.

  Back to my people waiting for me.

  Charlie and I would sometimes go down to the kamby bolongo to fish and swim instead of training or meditating. What we'd do is wake up while it was still dark out and tiptoe out of the house even though Mother wasn't home most of the time anyway. For two whole summers Mother wasn't home at all. What happened was one day Charlie and I were on the living room couch watching the movie about the African guinea man and waiting for Mother to come home and bring us our sandwiches and coleslaw and what happened was she never did.

  Charlie and I watched the whole movie because Mother liked to come home and test us to see if we were paying attention. She would say I want you two to pay attention to the movie instead of fooling around. According to Mother boxing and meditating was fooling around so why bother. She would ask us who the African guinea man was and we'd tell her his African guinea name and then his real one. Then she'd ask us what would happen to the slaves when they ran away and we'd tell her they'd get their feet chopped off or they would get tied to the whipping post and whipped. She also wanted to know why it was important we watch this so we'd tell her why and she would say that's wrong don't you two know anything and we would say we're sorry Mother but we don't.

  Those two summers Mother wasn't home were glorious. Charlie and I could wake up whenever we wanted which usually meant after noon because we were always up late watching movies. Then for breakfast we'd make sandwiches and coleslaw instead of raw eggs and milk because by this time Charlie's boxing career was finished. Charlie was washed up as a boxer because he couldn't keep his head and hands from shaking all the time.

  So what we'd do is I made the sandwiches and Charlie made the coleslaw. Mother had taught us how to do this once in case something happened to her. She sat us down at the kitchen table after dinner one time and told us we had to learn how to survive on our own if something happened to her. We said what was going to happen to you Mother and she said she didn't know but it was possible. She said the world was cruel and unusual so we'd have to carry on without her.

  After our breakfast of sandwiches and coleslaw we'd sit on the couch and watch television until it was time to go to bed again.

  We never went to school because Charlie and I didn't like school and school didn't like us in return. Our teachers would punish us with their sticks and send us home. This is why Mother made us watch the movie about the African guinea man in the first place because it was educational. She said do I have to educate you too on top of being the Mother all the time. She would go to school to yell at the teachers for sending us home. She would say I am the Mother not the school. I gave birth to these two and you are supposed to teach them how to be cruel and unusual.

  Mother said to us I don't think I am being unreasonable am I.

  Charlie and I knew she didn't expect us to answer so we kept our heads down and let her finish. Sometimes it seemed like Mother was asking us questions but she really wasn't. It was hard to know the difference which is why it was always better to keep your head down. This is when she cursed the school itself and said everything in the world is cruel and unusual and we'll probably all end up on the street someday.

  I wanted to ask Mother what street we would end up on but then I realized who I was talking to.

  There are holes in the ceiling of this room which remind me of the holes in the ceiling of my bedroom growing up. Sometimes I would count the holes in every tile instead of trying to fall asleep. Sometimes I wouldn't let myself fall asleep until I counted the holes in every tile.

  I do the same thing here because I'm not getting any better.

  Even when they tell me I'm doing fine and it's nice I'm not sure it is.

  This is when I think I might be the African guinea man myself.

  The men who hold me aloft are the overseers and the MPs and security guards are the slave catchers who tied me to a tree and chopped off my foot.

  Before that happened I was snatched from the trees and sold into slavery and these doctors are the ones who bought me at auction. I was on the platform and the doctors inspected me by combing through my curly hair and checking my gums. I don't know how much they paid for me but I knew right then I had to start making myself useful.

  Instead of sleeping in a barn and chopping cotton all day I sleep in here and masturbate.

  What happened was one night after I finished masturbating the doctor came in to give me my pills like always but instead of making the pill circle or square disappear I tricked him instead. How I did this was I hid the pills under my tongue instead of swallowing them. I had done this with Mother once or twice so I knew what I was doing. It always worked because I'd swallow the water and said ah right afterwards like always.

  Then I pretended to fall asleep and waited for the doctor to get up and leave. Sometimes the doctor waits for me to fall asleep but not the same as Mother did. For instance I don't have to lay still and twitch myself to get him to leave like I had to with Mother.

  How he waits for me to fall asleep is he sits himself in the corner and reads the newspaper while I am pretending to fall asleep.

  So after all this happened and he finally left I escaped through the tunnel under my bed.

  I'd been digging this tunnel from the first night they put me in here. What I'd do is whenever I knew they weren't watching me masturbate I would secretly dig the tunnel.

  The trick was hiding all the dirt from the tunnel but I knew how to do this because Charlie and I would watch prison movies whenever there wasn't anything else on. Our favorite was one where a bunch of prisoners dug three tunnels and escaped right in front of all the SS officers. These SS officers were like most MPs or security guards patrolling up and down except in this case they patrolled for prisoners escaping rather than intruders as no one would intrude on a prison camp I don't think.

  So like those prisoners I hid the dirt on the floor and would mix it in with the dirt already there. The floors here are especially dirty so these idiot doctors never seemed to notice.

  I don't think the African guinea man on television had to dig a tunnel to escape. That is how you can tell us apart. I think he found a rock so he could saw off the shackles they put on him and had to drag around all the time. I think he sawed and sawed for two years before he could do this and it was the same way with me and the tunnel. It took me years to dig the tunnel but what else was there to do other than dig and masturbate all the time.

  Although neither of us had a calendar so you don't know for sure.

  They based th
e television guinea man on me and everyone knows it.

  All they did was change a few details because that's what you have to do to make it educational.

  The trouble was I didn't get too far once I got out of the tunnel. I was trying to find my way back to the kamby bolongo but I got lost instead. I didn't know which direction to run in and I didn't have Charlie to run along with me so after a while I got tired and why bother.

  This is when the slave catchers caught me and tied me to the tree. They said we have vays of making you talk and I told them everything they wanted to know which didn't seem to make a difference.

  I didn't like it when they chopped my foot off for me but we all have to make sacrifices.

  Should the phone ring I will let it ring and ring and ring. I will disconnect the machine from the phone so that it won't answer. There won't be any voice that says to leave a name and number and a brief message and there won't be a long beep with nothing on the other side of it. Whoever it is that calls will wonder why the machine doesn't pick up. They might wonder if there's something wrong with me if I've done something to myself.