by J. M. Walker
“Luna.” Before she could pull away, I wrapped my arms around her.
Her body shook with silent sobs. “I hate him. I hate him for what he’s done to us.”
I couldn’t say I blamed her, but she would get over this and her relationship with her father would be mended. She would move on.
“Is this it?” she asked, her voice small. “Are we done when we’ve hardly even started?”
I swallowed hard, a lump lodging its way into my throat. “We…” I didn’t even know how to answer that. Leaning my forehead against hers, I breathed her in. The sweet scent of her lavender perfume. The faint scent of sex I put there. And when I kissed her, I tasted the saltiness of her tears on my tongue.
“I love you, Luna,” I whispered. “I love you so fucking much.”
***
(Luna)
Never in my whole life, did I think the first man I loved could break my heart the way he did. And the second man broke it just as much. Two heartbreaks. By two different men for nearly the same reason.
When Zach pulled away, my tears quickly dried up and the sadness that was there, turned into anger.
When I reached out for him, he only picked up his pace, I knew. This was it. We were done. Zach and Luna were no more.
But I ran after him anyway. As pissed as I was, I still needed him. That rage was the driving force behind my feet rushing toward him.
He was crossing the front lawn when I caught up with him. I latched onto his back, forcing him to spin around.
Just when I thought he was going to push me away, he cupped my face instead and kissed me. I breathed him in, taking everything that had come to light and unleashing it onto him. I didn’t want this to end. No matter how difficult my father was being, no matter how scared Zach was, he and I were meant to be. We just were.
“Luna.” Zach leaned back, keeping his hands on my face and staring at me.
“Please, Zach. We can get through this. I won’t hurt you. I promise you I won’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Do you not trust me? I love you. I’ve only ever loved you. You stopped being with other women because of me. Because you love me. Why can’t you see that? We’re meant to be.”
“You need to move on,” he said gently, his voice thick.
“How can I do that, Zach?” I grabbed onto the collar of his shirt. “How can I when I see you all the time?”
“I’ll stay away then.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “You will get over me.”
“I don’t want to.” The tears fell, rolling down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. “I can’t.”
“Baby, you can. You’ll find some guy, make him happy and he’ll make you happy in return. You’ll have kids, a big house somewhere. Maybe a dog. Or a cat. Or even a fucking fish. But you’ll get over me. I promise you, you will.”
“This is it? All because I’m getting too close?”
He looked away.
I smacked his arm. “You didn’t think I was too close when I let you fuck me.”
His gaze snapped to mine, his jaw clenching. “Careful.”
“What? Got nothing to say now? Go, Zach. Run away like you always do.” Before I could say anymore, I turned and headed back to the house when a warm body crashed into me.
Zach wrapped his arms around me, placing a soft peck on my head. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Moonbeam.” When he pulled away, I didn’t stop him. When he muttered an I love you, I didn’t say it back. And when he drove away, I didn’t move.
Bodies came toward me, but I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t face the pity in their eyes. This was a mistake. A big fucking mistake.
Gentle arms enveloped me and that was when I broke.
Sobs wracked through me, forcing me immobile. My lungs burned with lack of air.
I hated him. For giving up on us. For not fighting for me. For making me fucking cry.
The girls whispered to me, offering their sweet words and gentle touches. These girls were my life. My sisters even though we weren’t blood related. They were a piece of me. And so was Zach but now that he was gone, it felt like that piece of me had died.
I had spent years loving him, probably since I was a little girl but I wasn’t sure what was worse.
Knowing what it felt like to be loved by him or not knowing at all.
***
(Zach)
A tiny finger poked my arm.
I frowned, looking down at Luna. “What do you want?”
Her big eyes shone. She looked out on the dance floor, watching everyone.
“Zach,” Brogan said gently. “I think she wants you to dance with her.”
“Really?” I raised an eyebrow. “But…” I didn’t know how to dance, and I didn’t know these people. I was getting to know them, but it was still…weird.
“I think she does.” Brogan’s smile grew, giving me a nod of encouragement.
“Oh…” I stood from the chair, holding out my hand. “Okay.”
Luna grinned.
I laughed. “Thank you,” I told Brogan. “Mom.”
“Fuck.” I slammed a fist against the steering wheel. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” What the hell was I doing? How could I let her father get to me? How could I let him fucking win? And how the hell could I push her away? It always happened. Every time someone got too close, I shoved them aside like they were a piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe.
“Whatever you do, come to us. Don’t act out. Think first before you do something stupid, Zach.”
My dad’s words pounded inside my head but instead of listening to him, I continued driving.
“I will make it so you all you do is push people away. You will never trust anyone. Ever.”
I was a pussy for letting my stepmother control me this way. I was a pansy ass motherfucking pussy for letting her win and live inside my head all this time. And now because Luna got close, the voice was almost louder. Meaner. Colder.
Luna got into my heart.
“She’s going to hurt you.”
I shook my head. No. She wouldn’t. She would never hurt me.
“You can’t trust her. She’ll hurt you. You aren’t good enough.”
I landed a fist against the side of my head, trying so damn hard to silence the incessant noise.
I loved Luna. But that love went further than just some feelings. I could feel her all throughout me. It had been why I stopped sleeping with the random women. But I still never made a move. Not until recently. Not until she got under my skin and burrowed herself there. It was where she belonged.
What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be what she needed. I couldn’t prove that we were meant to be together and that I was good enough for her. I couldn’t because I wasn’t.
Gripping the steering wheel, I pressed my foot harder against the gas. I needed a drink. And lots of them. And pussy. But I couldn’t have pussy because the one I did have, I shoved away.
Years ago, I would have called up an old fling, fucked them, and been on my way. But this wasn’t years ago. This was now. And I fucked up. I used the excuse that it was Stone who started all of this shit, but I realized then that he was only a part of the problem. I pushed away the one good thing in my life all because I was scared. To open up. To let Luna in. Even though we were close, I still hadn’t let her into my heart completely.
“Fuck,” I bellowed, slamming my fist against the steering wheel again.
Driving to the city, I didn’t stop until I pulled down a street. I shouldn’t be here. I should be with Luna. In her arms. Touching her. Holding her. Giving her everything I could and taking from her what I needed, just the same. But I wasn’t. Instead, I parked in front of a house. I was given this address when I thought Luna and I would go on a double date with a friend. A friend. Fucking please. I couldn’t be friends with a woman and not fuck them. Luna was proof of that. But I never fucked the other girls. I raked a hand through my hair, scrubbing it dow
n my face. Inner turmoil rushed through me. I was confused, my mind all over the damn place. I should go home. I should drive past this house and be on my merry way. But I didn’t.
My phone rang but I ignored it. I didn’t give a shit who it was. Maybe it was Luna. Maybe it was my parents. Maybe she had called them and told them what happened. They could be checking on me. Making sure I didn’t react first and do something stupid.
“Promise me, you’ll come to us first. Promise, Zach.”
I made that promise but I never intended to keep it.
I never deserved Luna. She could do so much better. Her father said it himself. Well now it was my chance to prove him right.
Stepping out of the car, I took a breath and then another before I made my way up the narrow driveway.
Once I stood on the front step, I lifted my hand to knock when the door opened.
“Hey.” Bright blue eyes met mine. “I saw you pull up. Is everything okay?”
I shouldn’t be here. I knew that but yet, I didn’t listen to myself.
When the reason I had come over in the first place, stared up at me, I forced everything to the side. I ignored the feelings rushing through me.
Guilt. Pain. Regret.
So much damn regret and I hadn’t even done anything yet.
“Zach?” Clara frowned. “What’s going on?”
Before she had a chance to ask any more questions, I pushed her inside, kicked the door closed, and crushed my mouth to hers.
Zach
I SWALLOWED CLARA’S GASP and ignored the fact that it wasn’t Luna I was kissing. That it wasn’t her dark hair I had my hands wrapped in. That it wasn’t her slender but curvy body I was pressed up against. That it wasn’t her mouth I was diving deep inside.
As much as I wanted to fuck away my feelings, as much as I needed to get Luna out of my head, my body didn’t react. My cock was limp as it pressed between me and Clara. A growl escaped me. Tightening my hold on her hair, I tugged her head farther back, forcing my body to do something. Anything. But I got nothing.
“Zach,” Clara said against my mouth. She tried shoving me but my hold on her was too tight.
I pushed her up against the wall, grinding into her but again, my cock did nothing.
Clara broke the kiss, shoving me back. “What the hell?” Her cheeks weren’t flushed like I had just kissed the hell out of her. No lust hid in her dark eyes. Her chest didn’t rise and fall with ragged breaths like Luna’s always did. Her lips were swollen from my greedy kiss but that was it. “Zach, tell me.”
“I think you know.” I took a step toward her, my stomach churning.
She lifted her hand, stopping me. “Enough,” she said, her voice firm. “You don’t want this. Hell, neither do I.”
“Clara,” I bit out through clenched teeth. Bile rose to my throat, my stomach lurching. Hightailing it to the kitchen, I threw up in the sink. My stomach heaved.
“Here.” A cloth came into my field of vision.
I muttered a thanks and grabbed it, wiping my mouth.
“Tell me what’s going on. You’ve never hinted for more. And neither have I. I know I can come on a little strong. I get that. But I’ve never led you to believe that I wanted you to fuck me. You’re with Luna for Christ’s sake and I’ve always considered her a friend.”
“Not anymore,” I mumbled. Once my stomach calmed down, I leaned against the counter, and pinched the bridge of my nose.
She frowned. “What?”
“I’m not with Luna anymore,” I repeated, taking several deep breaths. “We broke up.” My stomach threatened to roll again but I shook it off.
“When did that happen?”
“Tonight.” And didn’t that make me sound like a fucking asshole.
“And now you’re here?” Clara barked a laugh. “Tell me what really happened.”
“I just did.” I turned away. “I don’t give a shit if you don’t believe me. I’ll just find someone else—”
“No.” Clara grabbed my arm and pulled me to the kitchen table. “Sit.” She pointed at a chair.
As much as I didn’t want to, I listened and did as I was told.
Clara reached into the fridge, pulled out a bottle of water and a beer, kicked the door closed and handed me the water.
I twisted off the cap and took a long swig.
“Better?” she asked, sitting down beside me.
“No.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m sorry.” I blew out a slow breath. “Fuck, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even know why I’m here.” But I did. I was desperate to make the voice in my head stop and I would do anything to silence it. I realized then that I was finally at my breaking point. Bottom line, I needed Luna.
“Well…”
My gaze popped up, landing on Clara.
She gave me a small smile.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I’m not like this. I used to be but not anymore.”
She twisted off the cap of her beer and clinked the bottle against mine. “Tell me what happened.”
“Luna’s father thinks I’m not good enough for her. He caught us…he walked in and…” I cleared my throat. “Anyway. It went downhill from there.”
“Do you believe you’re good enough for her?”
I took a swig of the water. “Why does it matter what I believe?”
Clara laughed. “Wow, Zach. For a smart guy, you really aren’t so bright. Are you?”
I scowled.
She sighed. “What I’m saying is that if you don’t believe you’re good enough for her, her father sure as hell isn’t going to believe that either. You need to prove to him that you are good enough for her. That you can make her happy. That you can be the best man. For her. And fucking me or anyone else for that matter isn’t going to help. At all.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed the back of my neck, massaging out some of the kinks that had laced around my muscles from the moment all this shit started. “I’m such a dumbass.”
“It happens. Fathers can be a little much sometimes.” Clara sat back. “I remember the first guy I dated in high school. My father wanted to kick his ass just for breathing the same air as me. He was the sweetest boy too. I probably could have spent my life with him. But unfortunately, life happened, and his parents ended up moving, taking him far away from me.”
My chest tightened. “That’s sad.”
“It is but you know what?” Clara sat forward. “That same boy found me years later. While what we had in high school will never happen again, we’re friends and honestly, that’s enough for me.” She shrugged. “I like Luna. I know she was shocked to find out that it was me you were supposed to go on that date with, but I also know that if you told her that date never happened, she’d believe you. Because she loves you.”
“I did tell her that it never happened.” I pulled back the rest of the water, wishing it was something stronger. “I can’t believe I let it get this far.”
“Listen.” Clara placed her hand gently on my arm. “Luna will forgive you.”
“I doubt that,” I mumbled. I wasn’t even sure if I could forgive myself.
“She will. I saw the way she looks at you.” Clara shrugged. “It would have happened if I wouldn’t have stopped it. Wouldn’t it?”
“Probably. But…” I looked down at my lap. “I think it would have been a lot of convincing my body to go along with it.”
“Yeah. Sorry, Zach. I like you and I consider you a friend, but I’m not attracted to you. Sure, you’re hot but that’s about it. And I don’t fuck guys I’m not attracted to.”
“Now I feel like an even bigger asshole because I’m not attracted to you either, but I wanted…”
“You wanted to fuck Luna out of your system,” Clara finished for me.
I nodded.
“I get it.” Clara took another swig of her beer. “What are you going to do?”
“I need to talk to her, but I already pushed her away. I don’t think I can handle it if she does t
he same to me,” I admitted. It was the first honest thing I had said all night.
“That’s understandable.” Clara threw back the rest of her beer and stood from the table. “I think you should either take some time to cool off, go work out or something, or go talk to Luna. But I would probably give her some time.”
I stood from the table. “Thank you. And again, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, Zach.” She went to turn away when she paused. “Oh. I should ask though. Are you going to tell her about this?”
“Yeah.” Fuck, that was a conversation I was not looking forward to. “I am.”
“Good.” Clara went to the fridge. “Now leave so I can get drunk by myself.”
I chuckled. “Have a good one, Clara.”
I left her house, feeling lighter. The razor-sharp edge of the previous rage rushing through me had turned into a dull roar. I needed to see Luna. I just wasn’t sure if she would want to see me. If ever again.
***
(Luna)
It had been several hours since Zach left. Since he tore out my heart and stomped on it, leaving me a shattered mess. The girls and I got drunk off cheap wine, stuffed our faces with Meadow’s delicious desserts, and now I was lying in bed, wallowing in my own self-pity.
My head pounded but with as much wine as I had, it didn’t mask the feelings of hurt and anger I had toward Zach. How could he listen to my father after everything we had been through? How could he love me and push me away at the same time? I should have fought harder. I should have gone after him. I should have done something. Anything. But instead, I let him leave and got drunk instead.
I groaned, rolling over onto my stomach. The room spun. Looked like the buzz was wearing off and quickly. Turning onto my back, I let out a hard sigh.
The scent of musk invaded my nose, another smell following right along with it.
Sex .
My stomach twisted.
Sliding out of bed, I pulled the covers off of the mattress and tossed them on the floor. I was still wearing my black dress; the dress Zach had helped zip up. The dress that he loved every time he saw me in it.