But in answering her sisters, she told a little of the truth. “Mother is going to be very displeased with me. I wasn’t supposed to go with Father. I snuck onto the roof of his coach without his knowing.”
Layla gasped. “What an adventure! Mother didn’t tell us that. Did she know? She said Father chose you, the eldest, to accompany him.”
“No, it was all my doing. That’s why I didn’t say goodbye to you. Father tried to send me back when he found out I was on the coach, but I refused to leave him all alone. Before we left England he wrote to Mother, informing her that I was with him. I’ll let Mother know I’m here tomorrow and face her wrath then. Don’t tell her first.”
“It’s not fair you got to go and we didn’t,” Emily complained.
“She didn’t get to go,” Layla reminded her. “She snuck off.”
“We could have snuck off, too! We should have all gone with him.”
“I agree that would have been exciting,” Layla said. “But from his letters, it didn’t sound like he was having any enjoyment of the place.”
“No, it was all work,” Vanessa said, expanding the lie. “One disaster after another.”
“We could have helped,” Emily pointed out.
“Then we wouldn’t have been separated,” Layla said.
“Even if it meant working in the fields,” Emily added.
Layla grimaced. “I wouldn’t go that far.”
Vanessa smiled, almost laughing. The twins still finished each other’s thoughts. Though it used to exasperate her, it was yet another thing she’d missed about them.
“And you never wrote, not once!”
That loud complaint was from Emily, who had always been the more determined twin, occasionally reminding Vanessa of herself. While Layla was the soother, quick to try to calm tempers or end an argument by distracting the opponents with a bit of news or a humorous comment. Vanessa used to try to emulate her but never quite managed it because she was even more determined than Emily.
But from what she’d overheard last night, she’d been expecting Emily’s question. “Every time I started a letter, I ended up crying instead of writing it.” That much was true, but then she lied, “I didn’t want you to know how miserable I was over there. You would have felt bad about my situation, and my letters would have been filled with nothing but complaints.”
“Then it’s not a nice place?” Layla asked with a frown.
Vanessa didn’t know if it was or wasn’t! But she guessed, “The sea and the beaches are quite beautiful, but the weather is always too hot to enjoy being outdoors for very long.”
“You should have come home sooner!” Layla exclaimed.
“I wanted to. I missed you both so much. But I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Father all alone.”
“But now you have,” Emily noted. “Why did you come home now?”
“Father grudgingly let me remain with him this past year, but only if I promised I wouldn’t miss my debut a second time. However, I planted a kernel before I left, that he ought to just give up and sell the place, so he could come home, too. He did say he’d think about it.” And if she could figure out a way to get the Rathbans to relent, then all of that wouldn’t be a lie.
“That would be wonderful!”
“Yes, it would,” Vanessa agreed.
Emily suddenly exclaimed, “You arrived with our visiting nobles, didn’t you?”
“Yes, though I joined them only a few days ago. I don’t know them very well.”
“But—they’re men and handsome at that, maybe a little too handsome,” Layla said. “Em has already decided she wouldn’t mind marrying that Monty fellow.”
“I did not!”
“You did, too.”
“He’s a rake,” Vanessa put in, then groaned to herself.
Why the deuce did she mention that? Both twins looked shocked. But it was Emily who asked, “How do you know that?”
Vanessa shrugged. “Men talk freely among men. I heard it mentioned.”
“Well, Lay was teasing, I didn’t say anything about marrying him.”
“Your eyes did.” Layla giggled. “But it doesn’t matter. We’re not picking husbands until we’ve seen all the Season has to offer.”
“And you’ve changed the subject, Lay,” Emily scolded, then glanced back at Vanessa. “If you traveled with those men, who was your chaperone?”
“Father sent me off with two very big guards who would raise an ax if any man even looked my way, but of course none did. I traveled disguised as a man.”
“No, you didn’t.” Layla giggled again.
“I really did.”
Emily gasped. “But that’s scandalous!”
“When no one found out?”
Layla glanced at Emily to ask, “Doesn’t that count?”
But Vanessa jumped in, “Of course it does.”
Emily disagreed, “It might have, except those two noblemen are our guests now and will soon find out you were disguising yourself as a boy when you reveal yourself to Mother and the rest of the household.”
“I didn’t know they were going to be guests here because they’re keeping secrets of their own, which is why they won’t embarrass any of us by revealing mine. And remember, Mother is doing them a favor by letting them stay here.” But for good measure Vanessa added, “Father allowed me to travel that way.”
“But did you browbeat him into allowing it?” Emily guessed. “You always could wrap him around your little finger. Layla and I were still trying to figure out how you did that when you hied off with him—for six years! I can’t forgive you for that!”
“Emily!” Layla gasped.
Vanessa didn’t like it that Emily was making her feel defensive—when she couldn’t share the bloody truth! But she did manage to say quietly, “Did you really want Father to be alone?”
“I wanted us all to go!”
“As the months turned into years, we did start asking Mother to take us to join you and Father,” Layla confessed.
“She always said no. Her excuse was either that she gets seasick or that the tropics have endless sunshine, which would harm our complexions,” Emily grumbled. “But she eventually got angry when we kept broaching the subject, so we stopped asking.”
“And we really don’t like it when she’s angry,” Layla added.
No, they wouldn’t. For all of Emily’s boldness, even she was prone to backing down to a higher authority like their mother.
So Vanessa said, “Well, I’m here now, and it’s not my habit to avoid confrontation. I’m not the least bit afraid of Mother’s anger.”
No, she’d welcome it, was looking forward to it, so she could express her own. Just enough anger to show Kathleen that she wouldn’t be cowed, not so much that she’d have to abandon her sisters—and she really needed to prove to herself that she could handle anything, even her feelings about Kathleen.
Chapter Eighteen
VANESSA WASN’T SURPRISED THAT the twins came to her room the next morning, even though they’d spent hours together catching up last night. Well, at least she’d caught up with what had happened in their lives over the past six years. When she’d mentioned fishing with their father and Emily had quickly shown her disapproval, just as their mother would, she’d decided not to tell them about any of the other kinds of freedom she had enjoyed in Scotland. Her sisters really had become perfect young ladies, adhering to, even embracing, all of the do’s and don’ts their mother had taught them. Vanessa thought that Kathleen must be very proud of her twins but would be equally appalled by her, the daughter who had escaped her regimen.
But she didn’t mind at all when the twins followed the maid in with her breakfast. She was already dressed and never opened the door unless she was wearing her cloak and with the hood firmly in place.
“So that’s how you did it,” Emily said as soon as the maid left.
And Layla finished with a laugh, “Well, of course you’d have to when there’s nothing mannish abo
ut your face, Nessa.”
But the moment she shrugged out of her cloak they both laughed when they saw how she was dressed for the day. “Very dashing, Nessa.” Layla giggled.
But Emily asked, “You’re going to show yourself to Mother like that? Let me get you a dress.”
“That isn’t necessary. I’ll find my clothes later. I wasn’t sure if my trunks had been put in the attic or in my old room.”
“They’re in the attic.”
“But empty. We unpacked them for you.”
“Thank you. But I’m still going to greet Mother like this. It’s not just a disguise, it’s actually how I’ve enjoyed living these last six years. I’d rather she know that because it speaks volumes about how I’ve changed. And besides, you would be amazed how a pair of pants can bolster one’s courage. I don’t intend to be intimidated by our formidable mother.”
“But she’s missed you, Nessa,” Layla said.
“We hear her crying a lot,” Emily added.
Vanessa was surprised, but immediately discounted Kathleen’s crying over her. If she’d shed any tears, they were more likely over her dead lover, or even more likely over having been caught with Rathban, which had ended the affair.
But Layla insisted, “She will be ever so pleased that you’re home where you belong, just as we are. You’ll see. You’ve no need for courage.”
Easy for them to say. Her own anger and expressing too much of it when she faced her mother was making her queasy with dread over the meeting. Vanessa really, really didn’t want to start out that way with Kathleen when she would be her ticket to the ton and all its social events. That’s where she would have the best chance of finding Albert Rathban and approaching him for a deal or simply to plead with him to let her father come home. She hadn’t come up with a plan yet but she still had a month or so to figure it out.
Or maybe she wouldn’t have to. She needed to find out why Kathleen had diligently written to William over the years even though they were estranged. He’d never read any of those letters, of course, had tossed them straight into the fire and stood there to watch them burn. But why had her mother continued to write? Did she hope for a reconciliation? Or had Kathleen somehow gotten the threat over their heads removed? Or maybe the Rathbans had accommodated her family by simply dying off? It was possible that all three Rathban brothers who had been at the duel were now resting in peace, leaving no one in that family who was willing or able to carry out the threat. And she and William could have come home sooner! That might be wishful thinking, but she wouldn’t know until she asked her mother.
A half hour later the twins followed her downstairs and went off to the dining room for their own breakfast, while she slipped into her father’s old study, which the twins had mentioned was now Kathleen’s. She didn’t expect to find Kathleen in it yet. It had been their mother’s habit to eat all of her meals with the girls, then deal with any correspondence between breakfast and luncheon, and even when William had been there, she’d used his study for that. So Vanessa didn’t think she’d have to wait too long. . . . She didn’t have to wait at all.
She paused inside the study door. Kathleen was sitting at her desk, head slightly bent as she read the letter in her hand. She looked so serene, so similar in appearance to the mother she’d left six years ago. This unobstructed, unhurried view of Kathleen was stirring long forgotten feelings in her, the love she’d felt before the hate had pushed it away. Kathleen might have been rigid with her rules, but there had never been any doubt that she loved her family—even William. Why had she strayed?
Kathleen finally glanced up. “Nestor? Do you need something?”
“No,” Vanessa said, and turned to close the door.
She removed her cloak before she turned back to the desk. It wasn’t instant recognition. The trousers, vest, linen shirt, and cravat all delayed it. Then there was shock before Kathleen’s expression turned bland and she remarked, “I see your face has cleared up.”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know me, Mother.”
“Of course I know you, but your sudden appearance like that has resulted in too many questions clamoring in my mind, and if I address them, I won’t get to say first that I’ve missed you, Vanessa.”
Vanessa was caught off guard and even more startled when Kathleen came around the desk and hugged her. Last night she’d happily hugged her sisters. There was nothing happy about this embrace from her mother. She even felt like crying!
“Give me a moment to digest that you’ve really returned to us,” Kathleen added, not letting go of her.
Vanessa didn’t mind, she closed her eyes to absorb the warmth of the moment, but she didn’t hug her mother back. This wasn’t the reception she’d expected. Her mother had disarmed her anger, the only defense she had against these feelings.
She stepped away to regain control of her emotions. Addressing the thought she’d had earlier that morning would help. “Why did you write to Father?”
“He wrote to me first to let me know you were with him. Even though he was furious, he didn’t want me to worry. He just didn’t say where you both were. Where did he take you?”
“Somewhere very remote.”
“He cautioned you not to say?”
“No, he didn’t have to. He knows I wouldn’t betray him to you.”
“Vanessa!”
“Don’t look offended, Mother. It’s far too late for that. Is it safe for him to come home?”
“It’s— No, not yet.”
So much for hoping the threat had ended. But her hostility was rising and she wasn’t sure how to curb it. A little would be helpful in defending herself, but too much would ruin her plans.
Kathleen was looking her up and down. “Why are you dressed like that?”
Finally something Vanessa could shield herself with, her own preferences, and proof that Kathleen hadn’t gotten to turn her into the perfect debutante. Vanessa spread her arms wide. “It’s how I dress.”
“Don’t be absurd.”
“Truly, it’s how I prefer to dress.”
Kathleen frowned. “Did anyone we know see you like this? Have you been using your name across England dressed like that?”
“You don’t like the way I tie my cravat?”
“You think this is a joking matter?”
“Not a’tall, but is this really all you have to say to me, Mother? No, and no, to answer your questions, and before you think to ask about my traveling companions, Lord Montague Hook didn’t know, but now he does, and soon his ward, Charley, will know. However, he assured me he can keep secrets because he has a few of his own, so you needn’t worry on their account.”
“But you traveled with them without a chaperone—dressed like that! Your behavior—”
Vanessa cut in. “I had chaperones, two very big, very mean-looking guards Father sent with me who threatened anyone who even looked at me too long. I was protected. I was anonymous. I even used a male name. But I guess we have nothing else to say if you only want to discuss apparel, so I won’t take up any more of your time.”
“Sit down!”
Vanessa had only turned toward the door. She had no intention of leaving, because her own questions hadn’t been answered yet. But she didn’t move to a chair. She struck a male pose instead, leaning back against the door, crossing her arms, even lifting one knee and pressing the sole of her boot against the door. There would be no concessions she hadn’t already decided to make. No buckling to this parent’s rules. But the defiant pose didn’t appear to increase Kathleen’s anger.
“How is he?”
Caught off guard again, Vanessa was surprised that question didn’t spark more flames. But her mother’s concerned expression appeared sincere.
Without rancor she said, “He’s fine. Healthy, robust, and probably missing me too much.”
“Does he—?”
“Still hate you?” Vanessa cut in sharply, but regretted it immediately when Kathleen began to pace and wring her hands.
“He wouldn’t believe the truth, and I suppose he’s turned you so much against me that you won’t listen to it, either?” Kathleen asked.
“He didn’t turn me against you,” Vanessa replied, trying to sound neutral but not quite managing it. “He wouldn’t even tell me what you did—”
“Good.”
“Until I turned seventeen and then he told me all of it. Because of you he was forced to leave. Or will you deny you are—were, ultimately responsible for that?”
“There was no choice!”
“There’s always a choice, Mother. That’s the one thing I’ve learned living away from you and your rigid rules. Father will never forgive you for what you did. He wouldn’t even read your letters, just burned them without opening them. But he gained a measure of peace once he stopped loving you.”
“Did you only come here to wound me?”
Good God, were those tears on her mother’s cheeks? She wasn’t prepared for tears! Utterly disarmed, she tried to think of something consoling to say but gave up in a moment. How the deuce did one console someone one hated?
But Kathleen wasn’t finished. “The only mistake I made was not taking the Rathban matter to your father, but even then the results would have been the same. He still would have challenged Henry Rathban to a duel and still would have had to deal with Albert Rathban’s wrath. But at least he wouldn’t hate me now.”
“I didn’t say that he does,” Vanessa said. “He fell out of love with you. That’s what gave him peace, so do not begrudge him that.”
“I don’t,” Kathleen said. “I’ve never wished any ill on him. My heart broke when he had to leave me—that he wanted to leave me.”
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