Country Loving

by Cathy Woodman

  Nick doesn’t stay for long once I’ve promised him I’ll let him know the date and time of my first scan, and when he leaves, I watch him from the house. He has a brief chat with Leo outside the caravan, which is odd because I thought Leo had gone off on his rounds, and drives away in the Aston Martin.

  ‘Why was that bloke here again, turning up like a bad penny?’ I turn to find my father breathing down my neck.

  ‘Have you had a shave recently?’ I ask, noticing the whiskers growing on his chin.

  ‘Stop distracting me, Stevie. I asked you a question.’

  ‘l didn’t want to have to tell you this, but it’s inevitable.’ I bite my lip. ‘I’m pregnant.’

  ‘Up the duff?’ The eyebrow on Dad’s good side shoots up under his hair. ‘You aren’t married.’

  ‘You don’t have to be married to have a baby. Look, I don’t want to discuss it. I don’t want any recriminations. I’m having this baby and that’s all there is to it.’

  ‘Whose is it? Leo’s?’

  ‘No, Dad. It’s Nick’s, of course. That’s why he was here.’

  ‘I’ll drag him down to the church and make sure he marries you.’

  ‘I am not going to marry him.’

  ‘In that case I’ll have to bloody well shoot the bastard.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Dad. You haven’t got a gun anymore.’ At least I hope he hasn’t got any more hidden away. ‘Please don’t go on about it.’

  ‘How are you going to carry on here on your own with a baby?’

  ‘I’ll just have to get on with it.’ I notice Leo exiting the mobile home. ‘Dad, I’ve got to go. Leo’s doing the PD visit this afternoon. I’m going to give him a hand.’

  ‘You can’t. You’re pregnant.’

  ‘Dad! Don’t go on about it. I’m perfectly capable of carrying on as normal.’ I look at him, half cross, half smiling. ‘Promise me you won’t go shooting anyone.’

  ‘Can I tell Cecil and Mary?’ he asks.

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘Are you worried about what people will think?’

  ‘I really don’t care,’ I say emphatically, but I do care. I care what Leo thinks of me and I realise I’m going to have to tell him as soon as possible before somebody else does.

  Leo is late back from TB testing and I join him in the collecting yard at three o’clock with the five cows Cecil and I kept back for him to check. I send Domino into the crush while Leo slips a glove over his arm and squirts it with lubricant before feeling around inside the cow, searching for signs she is pregnant. I watch his expression, waiting nervously, because I’d love Domino to be pregnant again so she can remain with us, doing her job. Leo looks sombre, almost angry.

  ‘Well?’ I ask.

  Withdrawing his arm, he shakes his head. ‘Not this time.’

  ‘I’ll give her a couple more chances.’ I let Domino out of the crush. Not surprisingly, she’s in a hurry. I know the longer she stays barren, the less economic it is to keep her, but I’m fond of her. I’m not ready to let her go. I drive the next cow into the crush, but before he examines her, Leo turns to me.

  ‘You didn’t tell me you were pregnant.’ he says.

  ‘H-h-how do you know?’ I stammer.

  ‘Your ex told me. Didn’t you think it was something I should know about, considering you were supposed to be my girlfriend?’

  ‘Were?’

  ‘Obviously “were”. You have lied to me and betrayed my trust.’

  ‘I’m not like your ex-fiancée,’ I say, shocked. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You withheld the fact you were pregnant when you decided to sleep with me—’

  ‘When we decided to sleep together,’ I correct him. ‘It was a mutual decision.’

  ‘Which I wouldn’t have made if I’d known you were carrying a child.’ He’s annoyed and upset at me and I’m livid with Nick for revealing our secret before I’ve had a chance to talk to Leo about it. ‘Don’t you see how it looks? For all I know, you could have been trying to trap me. Luckily, with your ex turning up as he did and telling me himself, it meant I had a lucky escape.’

  ‘I wasn’t. I’m too far gone, Leo.’

  ‘How far?’

  ‘About twenty weeks.’

  Leo whistles through his teeth. ‘You don’t look it … I can’t believe that.’ His voice falters as I pick up on what he’s just said.

  ‘So you can understand how I missed it? Jennie suggested I might be pregnant and I did a test last week.’

  ‘You didn’t suspect a thing before that?’

  ‘I put it down to stress.’ A silence falls between us, and it’s as if we’re drifting apart on different ships, Leo to one end of the earth, me to the other. ‘Leo, please don’t be angry with me.’ I’m close to tears. ‘I don’t think I can bear it.’

  ‘I’m not just angry with you, Stevie. I’m absolutely livid. This isn’t just about the pregnancy. If you really didn’t know, then it’s unfortunate, considering how I feel about children and babies … But it isn’t just that, is it? You didn’t tell me the truth about why you were going to London at the weekend. You said you were going to see India, not Nick.’ Leo seems to tower over me, his eyes flashing with fury. ‘I’ll never trust you again.’

  ‘Leo, please. I had to tell Nick first, can’t you see that? Can’t you?’ I begin. ‘Can’t we carry on as we were?’ Even as I say it, I know it’s impossible. ‘I’ll never do it again.’

  ‘You won’t because I won’t give you the chance. I’ve been there before, remember.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I reach out to hold him, but he pushes me away. ‘Leo …’ His name catches in my throat.

  He swears and, for a moment, I think he’s going to soften and change his mind, but he backs off.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about this again. Let me get on with my job,’ he says curtly, and he puts on a fresh disposable glove, twisting the fingers as if he wishes he was twisting my neck.

  Crying, I wait for him to examine the next cow.

  ‘Positive, about forty-five days,’ he says.

  I release the cow from the crush and send the next one in. She’s pregnant too and normally I’d be over the moon, but I’m devastated. Even if I hadn’t lied to Leo about going to see Nick, and told him about the baby as soon as I’d found out, the consequences would have been the same.

  I want to fight for him, to win him back, but I can see there’s no way forward. The damage has been done and there’s no way to return to those nights in the caravan, lying in Leo’s arms with the light of the moon falling across our faces and listening to the screech of the barn owl. The problem, I think, as I watch him check the last cow, is not only that I’m carrying another man’s child, but that Leo doesn’t want children.

  Chapter Sixteen

  White Rabbits

  Leo keeps his distance and I keep mine, but two days later, as I’m crossing the yard in the middle of the afternoon to get the cows in for milking, I find him carrying a rucksack and holdall out of the mobile home and heading for his four-by-four.

  ‘Are you going somewhere?’ I call.

  He hesitates as he places the holdall in the back of the vehicle.

  ‘I suppose I should have told you,’ he begins. He looks exhausted, with dark rings around his eyes, his hair even more tousled than usual and his mouth turned down at the corners. I want to comfort him. Most of all, I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be all right. ‘I’m moving out,’ he goes on.

  ‘Where will you go?’

  He shrugs. ‘I’ll find somewhere. I can always get a room at the Barnscote – anywhere but here.’

  ‘Leo, don’t!’

  ‘I can’t bear to look at you.’

  ‘I’ll keep out of your way. Please, stay at least until the end of the summer.’

  ‘I’ve made my mind up,’ he says.

  ‘Wait there.’ I run across the yard, past the house and to the cottage where Cecil is putting on his boots out
side the front door. ‘Cecil, Leo’s leaving. Can you make him stay? Please, he might listen to you.’

  ‘What can I do? He’s a grown man.’

  ‘Just try. I feel so guilty about what’s happened and now he’s moving out with nowhere to go because of me.’ I bundle a protesting Cecil towards the caravan and leave him with Leo. ‘I’ll get the cows in.’

  When I get back with Bear and the rest of the herd, the first thing I notice is that Leo’s four-by-four is still in the yard. I duck inside the parlour to see if Cecil’s ready for the first batch of cows.

  ‘What did he say?’ I ask. ‘Is he staying?’

  ‘He’s very upset,’ Cecil says. ‘You’ve treated him harshly. I’m surprised at you, Stevie.’

  I wince at Cecil’s justified criticism of my behaviour.

  ‘Oh dear,’ Cecil goes on. ‘You have got yourself in a muddle. What are we going to do with you?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I wail.

  Cecil pats my shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, my lover. It’ll all come out in the wash. All you have to do is look after yourself and this baby.’ He smiles. ‘And help me get these cows milked. Come on. Let’s get a move on.’

  Later the same evening, when I’m feeding the calves, I hesitate at the door to the nursery. Leo is singing and playing his guitar. Tears stream down my face because I so very nearly had it all, everything I always wanted, and now I’ve lost him. I touch my belly where the baby stirs beneath my fingertips. Instead, I have a new responsibility, a renewed involvement with my faraway ex and the continuing uncertainty about the project to save Nettlebed Farm.

  I feed the calves and retire early to bed.

  News spreads fast and my pregnancy triggers a flurry of knitting. Within a week, Mary has presented me with a tiny white cardigan with rocking horse buttons, two hats and a pair of bootees. The appointment for my twenty-week scan is not for another week after that, which makes it twenty-two weeks in reality. I wake up at the usual time in the morning, even though I could have had a lie-in because Adam is helping Cecil with the milking.

  Nick is meeting me at the hospital and, although I’m pleased to have his support, I’m dreading seeing him again. It’s a strange situation, almost businesslike.

  ‘Hello, Stevie,’ Nick says when I meet him outside the café at the hospital. He looks pale and fraught.

  ‘Hi, Nick. How are you?’

  ‘Okay. I didn’t think I was going to make it because of the traffic on the M3.’ He switches his mobile off. ‘We’d better find out where we’re going. How are you?’

  ‘Are you asking after me or the baby?’

  He frowns briefly. ‘Both, of course.’ He guides me along the corridor, his hand on my back. I walk a little faster. ‘Are you nervous?’ he asks. ‘I’m excited and nervous at the same time. Do you want to know the sex of the baby?’

  ‘I haven’t really thought about it.’ I have, but it hasn’t been uppermost in my mind. I’ve been more preoccupied with grieving for the end of my relationship with Leo, his presence at the farm being a constant reminder. I’m grateful to Cecil for persuading him to stay on though.

  ‘Oh?’ says Nick, as if he’s thought of nothing else. ‘Stevie, I’m so sorry about this. I can see what a struggle this is for you and I wish this hadn’t happened, but it’s hard for me to … to see you not caring about this baby, our baby, not wanting it.’ He hesitates as I stop in the corridor, my heart beating fast, sweat pricking in my palms, because I want to run away and forget about the baby, put its existence out of my mind, but I can’t go anywhere. I’m on a conveyor belt with no way of getting off.

  ‘Nick, I do care,’ I say. ‘How can you think that? You aren’t building this up into something it isn’t are you? You aren’t going to make a case for …’ I look at him, really look at him. ‘You wouldn’t, would you?’

  ‘I might.’

  ‘You bastard!’ I walk smartly away towards the antenatal clinic.

  ‘Stevie, you’re taking it the wrong way. I didn’t mean …’ I’m aware of the sound of Nick’s feet squeaking along the lino behind me. ‘ … Stevie!’ I turn left into the clinic and stop at the reception desk.

  ‘Stephanie Dunsford for a scan.’

  ‘I’m coming in with you,’ Nick says beside me.

  ‘I’d rather you didn’t,’ I say, angry with him. ‘How can I trust you when you’re angling to get custody of our child?’

  ‘I didn’t say that. What I’m saying is that if you really can’t cope with bringing it up, if you can’t love it, I’ll be a full-time dad—’

  ‘And I’ll see it every other weekend, or whatever the court decides, because I’ll fight you tooth and nail, Nick.’

  ‘Is this man being a nuisance?’ the receptionist interrupts anxiously. ‘Only I can call security if he is.’

  ‘No, it’s okay.’ I head into the waiting area with Nick following me. As I make to sit down, he sits down beside me. ‘Will you push off and leave me alone?’ I hiss.

  ‘Stevie, I haven’t said I’m taking the baby away from you. Please be reasonable.’

  That expression ‘Please be reasonable’ is like a red rag to a bull: a rural expression with a lot of truth in it. I’m too upset to speak.

  ‘I didn’t come here to fight. I came to support you while you have the scan and see the baby for the first time. I’m not stupid, although you treat me that way at times. Babies should be with their mothers.’ Nick leans close to me, fire in his eyes. I’ve never seen him like this before. ‘You know me. All I want is to do the right thing.’

  I sit back, overtaken by a wave of exhaustion. I haven’t got the energy for a fight. I look up at Nick’s face. He’s calm, cool even, and I believe he means what he says. I’m grateful that he has our baby’s best interests at heart, but he’s given me this niggling concern that he might put up a fight for custody after the baby is born.

  ‘Stephanie Dunsford.’ The sonographer calls us through. ‘Are you dad?’ she asks Nick, who blushes and nods. She chats us through the procedure, squeezes a blob of cold gel onto my naked bump and presses a probe against my skin, and there it is in shades of grey: proof that there really is a baby in there.

  ‘Oh,’ I gasp. It’s real and, although I wasn’t sure before, I find myself smiling as I glance at Nick and back to the screen again. ‘Hello there, Baby.’

  ‘It’s a miracle,’ Nick says softly, clearing his throat.

  ‘There’s Baby’s head,’ the sonographer says.

  ‘Can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl?’ Nick asks.

  ‘You want to know?’

  Nick looks at me. I nod.

  ‘She’s a girl,’ says the sonographer.

  ‘I knew it. That’s wonderful. Amazing.’ Smiling, Nick reaches out and squeezes my hand. ‘Is she right for the dates? Is she twenty-two weeks?’

  Nick, why did you have to go and ask that, I think. Does he really have doubts? Does he not believe me?

  ‘All the measurements point to that – she’s a bonny baby.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Stevie. I had to ask, for my own peace of mind,’ Nick explains when we’re walking back along the corridor towards the hospital entrance. ‘Can I get you a coffee to make up for it?’ When I hesitate, he continues, ‘If this is going to work, we’re going to have to ditch all our baggage for the baby’s sake.’

  ‘You’re right,’ I say eventually, and we head for the café for drinks and pastries. Nick sits opposite me.

  ‘How’s India?’ I ask.

  ‘How would I know?’ he says quickly.

  ‘I just thought … She said she’d seen you a couple of times.’

  ‘She’s okay, as far as I know. I thought you’d have kept in touch with her.’

  ‘I have, but you’ve seen her in the flesh. Talking on the phone isn’t the same.’

  ‘Well, if you want me to tell you she has a new hairstyle, I’m not the man to ask. She always looks … she takes care of herself.’ Nick sips at a latte. I drink orange juic
e. ‘India misses you.’

  ‘I miss her too.’

  ‘Have you thought any more about the flat? Have you changed your mind about keeping it, only I’ll make you an offer if you want to sell?’

  ‘You want to buy it?’

  ‘I have money to invest and, as you’ve said before, it’s a sound investment.’ Nick clears his throat. ‘I’m not trying to buy my way back into your favour. I know you won’t stand for that, but I’m not a bad man. I’m sure you could do with releasing the money, especially now – what with the farm project and the baby.’

  I thank him, saying I’ll think about his offer, because it is tempting, considering the potential costs of the project are snowballing, but I can’t help wondering if Nick has an ulterior motive in making it. Is he hoping that I’ll eventually see what a wonderful guy he is, and marry him so we can play happy families with the baby? I’m not sure it’s fair of me to think that way, but I can understand how he feels. I’m the same with Leo, hoping and praying that if he stays on the farm, and catches sight of me now and again, he’ll be reminded that I’m not all bad, and, just maybe, he’ll stop avoiding me and we’ll get back together again. It’s a long shot, but I live in hope.

  I take advantage of a sunny early evening after milking to join James in the barn, where he’s sawing wood to create a frame that we can attach to the trailer on the float.

  ‘I thought you’d be putting your feet up,’ he says, looking up from his workbench. He’s dressed in chain-saw gloves and trousers, and an orange helmet.

  ‘I’m not ill, James. And anyway, I’m creative director of this tableau, so I need to keep an eye on things.’ I’m teasing and James knows it.

  He chuckles. ‘Are you here to crack the whip?’

  ‘We haven’t got long to get this finished and it has to be perfect if we’re going to beat the competition.’

  ‘I thought that was part of the charm of carnival – the mock-ups and imperfections.’ James smiles.

  ‘I hope you’re doing a proper job because I want to ask you if you’ll take on the building project.’

  ‘Have you got the planning permission?’ James’s eyes light up.