Live Your Dream

by BB Miller

  “Tom made a big deal about that first Christmas. Went out to get a tree and everything. He took me down to one of the tree lots and probably pulled out every single one they had to show me. I thought he was crazy. I kept telling him it wasn’t a big deal, because for me it wasn’t.” She takes a sharp breath in, like she can’t believe what I’m saying. “Anyway, we got pretty much the biggest tree they had and strapped it to the top of his Mustang. We could barely see out the windshield on the drive home.” I shake my head and smile at the memory, taking the next exit off the highway.

  “He had all these mismatched ornaments. He handled them like they belonged in a museum. Anyway, we decorated the tree, and he bought me a motorcycle ornament, had me hang it near the top. Even put out cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve. I told him he’d lost his mind.”

  She touches my arm lightly as I idle at the light. It’s a gentle reminder of everything that’s good and right. It’s Tess telling me it’s okay, that she understands even if there’s no way she can. My throat feels thick, and thank fuck the light changes, snapping me back into action.

  I rev the engine in the Camaro, pulling away from the rest of the traffic, racing away from the past. “I didn’t really have money to buy Tom anything, but I was getting pretty good with the guitar by then, and Fletcher, one of Tom’s friends who was teaching me how to play, set up a recording session. I made him a CD of me playing his favorite songs.”

  “That’s so sweet.”

  Seeing our destination ahead, I pull into the nearly empty lot. Shoving the car into park, I keep both hands on the steering wheel, needing something to ground me. “Christmas morning, I had a stocking by the tree with my name on it. It didn’t have a lot in it; Tom’s job at the group home didn’t pay much, but it was the first stocking I ever had. That he would do something like that for me, it blew me away. No one had done anything like that for me before. Not even my own mother.”

  “Matt—”

  I squeeze the steering wheel harder. “Don’t, okay? I’m telling you because families and holidays aren’t things I’m really comfortable with. I don’t want to ruin your holiday because I’m too stuck in my head to appreciate it. I’m just trying to tell you like it is. No sugarcoating.”

  “What about recently? You spend time with Tom? With the band?” she asks gently.

  I frown, finally turning to meet her eyes. The lot lights cast a warm glow over her face, highlighting the curve of her cheek. She’s so fucking beautiful, she doesn’t even seem real right now.

  “Yeah,” I start after a beat. “I mean, I’m with the guys twenty-four seven when we’re touring, and I see Tom when I can.”

  “Then I think you’re a lot better with families than you give yourself credit for.” I start to protest, but her fingers press over my lips. “They’re your family. The band and Tom.”

  I take hold of her wrist, lifting her hand away from my mouth to lace my fingers with hers. “It’s where I know I can be myself.”

  “I’d never ask you to be anything else.”

  “I can’t believe you brought me here,” Tess says in awe as we stand inside the glass dome of the rain forest exhibit. The humid air is thick with colorful butterflies, the sweet intoxicating scents of the flowers heightened as we slowly move through the exhibit.

  It’s almost deserted, with the exception of a couple of families with small children shouting in excitement up ahead. Tess called the place magical. I can’t disagree, but I think that has more to do with her than anything else.

  “I thought you were taking me to dinner.” She nudges me in the shoulder as a yellow butterfly lands on her arm.

  “I am. Thought maybe you’d like to stop here first.” I steer her around another curve, stopping to watch a few blue butterflies line the flowering plants along the waterfall.

  “I don’t like it. I love it.” She leans forward against the railing, and I can’t resist setting my hands on either side of her, lowering to press a kiss against her neck. She leans against me, her back settling against my chest.

  It’s peaceful. In stark contrast to the whirlwind tour I’m about to go on. For once, the lure of the stage isn’t holding the appeal it usually does. It’s terrifying that my happiness could be tied to something other than being in the band. It’s all I’ve known for so long.

  “Good. I’m glad.”

  She glances up at me and whispers, “You might just get lucky later.”

  “That’s a bonus.”

  She giggles. The sound inches its way into my heart as a butterfly lands on her shoulder, close to where I know her one and only tattoo is inked into her skin. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

  Her eyes dart to my mouth, and I can feel the pull, the intense heat between us. “You’re welcome.”

  “You want to get out of here?” she asks, all breathy.

  “In a few minutes.” I tighten my arms around her, glancing up to the waterfall. “Let’s just stay here a while.” Here, where it’s perfect and nothing can change that.

  “Is this what all of your dates are like?” Tess asks as I punch the code into the keypad at the gate. You can learn a lot about someone in a short drive. The closer we got to my loft, the more tension I could feel coming off Tess. She’s fidgety, nervous, probably questioning what the hell she’s doing.

  “I don’t typically date.”

  She laughs. “Sure you don’t.” The gate grinds away as it opens, and I turn to face her. I thought maybe we were past this, but apparently not. “Right, because you just fuck them and leave them.”

  “Can’t change my past. That doesn’t mean I don’t want something different now.”

  She folds her arms across her chest, setting her shoulders, and challenging me once more. “And what is it exactly that you want now?”

  I meet her judgmental gaze. I don’t want there to be any doubt—no worry, and no question about what I want. I promised her I’d always be honest with her. No games. No hidden agendas, and sure as hell no regrets. “You. All of you.”

  Tessa

  The honesty ringing in his voice echoes in his eyes, and it shakes me to my core. I take a shaky breath as the car glides forward. The clang of the gate closing behind us feels final.

  My heart is racing, and I startle when my door opens and he reaches down to take my hand. I hadn’t realized he’d gotten out of the car.

  “I haven’t had that before,” I admit, standing before him in the garage.

  He looks skeptical, and places his hands on my waist. “Someone who wants all of you? I find that hard to believe.”

  “It’s true,” I whisper, fiddling nervously with the collar of his shirt. “I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be so difficult. I just panicked.” He cocks an eyebrow in disbelief, and I rush to try to explain, “It’s not that there hasn’t been anyone who wanted more. There have been plenty of guys—”

  He gently presses his lips to mine, cutting me off, and just like that—bam! Desire ignites, incinerating all my hesitations. Grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, I pull him closer, and he groans into my mouth. “Fuck, Tess,” he mutters, and before I can react, he bends and slings me over his shoulder, knocking the breath out of me.

  His large hands caress my thighs and ass as he jogs up the stairs. It’s turning me on, despite the fact I’m afraid I’m going to bounce off his shoulder. I cling to his belt loops with one hand and struggle to untuck his shirt with the other, desperate to touch bare skin. He doesn’t pause when we reach his loft; he continues to his bedroom that hangs over a corner of the living area bordered by a low wall. I see a dresser in the moonlight streaming through the window, and then I’m falling and bouncing as I land in the middle of a giant bed.

  He’s on me in an instant. We’re a tangle of lips and limbs as we tug at each other’s clothing. I arch my back, pushing my bare breasts into his eager hands, and purr when he buries his face between them. “So fucking perfect,” his muffled voice reaches my ears, and I giggle.

  “
Shirt off.” I tug at his collar. Not bothering to unbutton it, I reach down to pull it up over his shoulders, pleased when he ducks his head to make it easier. It suddenly hits me that this is the first time I’ve seen him shirtless since that drunken night after the concert, and a wave of emotion hits me.

  He’s so damn beautiful. I float my fingertips over the lines of ink on his chest that swirl into a phoenix on his neck. He’s a masterpiece. Although I’ve only scratched the surface, I’ve seen he’s even more beautiful inside. Even if he doesn’t recognize it himself.

  He doesn’t give me time to appreciate it. After flicking the button at my waistband, he tugs my pants off and tosses them on the floor with his own. The delicate lace of my panties doesn’t stand a chance—again. “What is it with you and my underwear?” I grumble as he settles himself between my knees.

  “Stop wearing them, then.” He chuckles and then he dives between my thighs.

  “Holy shit!” I suck in a startled breath and convulsively clutch at his head as he devours me like his last meal. Most guys I’ve been with treat it like a chore, something to check off the list before they can move on to the main attraction. But not Matt. My hips automatically buck against him, pleasure surging through me at the feel of his tongue piercing. He’s incredibly good at this. Unwanted thoughts of how much practice he’s had over the years flit through my mind like annoying flies, and I bat them away. I refuse to go down that road now.

  Sounds drifting up to us from the traffic below provide a backdrop for the moans and occasional curse word echoing in the room. Within minutes, I’m teetering on the edge. It only takes a well-timed swipe of his thumb and grunted encouragement to make me see stars.

  A siren sounds in the distance, coming steadily closer until it stops somewhere nearby. But, instead of breaking the mood, it seems to spur Matt on, as if he’s afraid someone is coming to stop us. He rises up, a desperate possessiveness in his eyes, as he swiftly positions himself and drives into me with one smooth stroke. “Ah!” The shock of his sudden invasion quickly fades, replaced with an all-encompassing bliss. Just like the last time, it takes me a few thrusts to get used to his sheer size, but then I’m ready for anything. I cling to him like a limpet as he sets a quick pace. Everything fades away—the siren outside the window, the women in his past, and my fear of losing myself. I’m enthralled by this man. He kisses me passionately, never faltering in his rhythm, making my heart race. In this moment, I can’t remember ever needing a man like I need Matt. And that realization both terrifies and thrills me beyond belief.

  “Can’t … can’t stop,” he mumbles against my lips and grabs my knee, bending it to his will. My gasp echoes off the walls—holy hell, I can’t breathe—the intensity is mind-blowing.

  The tsunami building inside me peaks. Just as I think I’m going to fly apart with the force, he lets out his own guttural cry. Collapsing together, I feel like I’m floating, adrift on a vast ocean, as we gradually come back to ourselves. “Jesus … sorry.” He heaves himself off me with an embarrassed chuckle. “I hope I didn’t crush you.”

  I snuggle into his side and place a kiss on his shoulder, savoring the salty sweetness of his skin. “Never.”

  He hums in satisfaction and pulls me even closer. “Good.”

  “You didn’t use a condom.” I suppose I should be upset that he didn’t ask me, but I can’t bring myself to care. Weird. Normally, I’d be panicking and pissed.

  “Um, sorry about that.” He squirms next to me. “I, uh, I kind of lost my head there for a second. I don’t know what happened; I’ve never gone bare with anyone. Ever.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve got us covered. As long as you’re clean.”

  He relaxes minutely. “I’m clean. I swear.”

  “Okay, then.”

  The minutes tick by. I wait for the inevitable awkwardness to set in, but it doesn’t. I feel only warmth, calm, and replete, as if I’m supposed to be here. Matt gently traces a tendril of my hair across my collarbone and over the swell of a breast, making me giggle. I can hear his smile in his voice.

  “I can’t help it. I can’t stop touching you.” He playfully flicks a nipple, making me yelp. “Besides, I think your tits are my new happy place.”

  I laugh. “I thought you were happiest on stage.”

  “That was before I met you.”

  Tears spring to my eyes at the sincerity in his voice. He’s laid it all out and has been nothing but honest with me. If we’re going to have a chance, I need to return the favor.

  “Matt, I owe you an apology.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “I haven’t been completely honest with you.” He looks at me sharply, and I close my eyes as I continue, “I’ve been acting like you are the only one with … er, experience. But I haven’t been much better.”

  “Not that I want to hear details, but I doubt your numbers could compete with mine.” His voice is laced with regret, and I place a gentle hand on his chest.

  “Probably not. Believe me I don’t want details either.” I wince, mentally blocking out the tales of debauchery I heard Sean and Cameron allude to backstage at the benefit concert. “But I’m trying to explain something. I’m trying to explain me.”

  He takes a deep breath and covers my hand with his own. The silence stretches between us as I try to formulate my thoughts. “I’ve never been serious about anyone before. While my friends in high school and college were dating and falling in love, and later were getting married and having babies, I never did. I had my fun, but I never let it get any further than that. I didn’t let anyone in. The longest relationship I’ve ever had, if you could call them that, was three or four months, tops. Whenever a man starts to want more, to bring families into it, or talks about moving in together, I end it.”

  The siren is no longer wailing outside the window, and I wonder absently when it stopped. I think the building could’ve fallen down around us without my noticing. Matt shifts and the rustling of the sheets seems loud.

  “Is that …” He clears his throat. “Is that because of your sister?”

  I nod, although I’m not sure he can see me; the San Francisco fog has obscured the moon, plunging us in darkness. “Yes, but more about Erik, her fiancé. I told you how he disappeared after she died.”

  “Yeah, but Tess, you were only twelve when all that happened,” he argues softly. “You’re … How old are you, anyway?”

  “I’ll be twenty-nine in a couple months.” I tilt my head at him. “Are you saying that I should know better by now? That the trauma I experienced when I was twelve should be a distant memory by now?” I ask rhetorically, letting the irony of his supposition seep into my voice. Kettle, meet pot. He lets out a quiet “humph,” but doesn’t respond.

  “All I’m saying is that whatever we have between us is as big a deal for me as it is for you. I’ve never had this before. I’ve never wanted it before. It hasn’t been worth it to me. But you …” I take a quivering breath. “You are worth it. So, if you’re willing to try, then so will I.”

  He slides a hand around my waist and pulls me closer, holding me tight for several minutes. I wonder if he can feel my heart hammering in my chest. “Does that mean you’ll stop biting my head off?” he finally asks, his voice sounding a bit rough.

  “I’ll try to keep a better rein on my inner bitch.”

  “I don’t want you to change, Tessa,” he murmurs against my lips. “I just don’t want you to doubt me.” I lay my head on his shoulder and nod, relishing the feel of his body against mine. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being naked in his arms. “You really haven’t introduced a guy to your family before?”

  “Never.” I laugh lightly. “It will be quite a shock when I show up with you on Christmas Eve.”

  “Are you sure you want to do that?” He sounds worried, and this time, I silence him with a kiss.

  “Of course I’m sure. In fact, the more I think about it, I can’t wait to see you with my dad. He’s going to
love you. Do you want to bring Tom, too?”

  He startles. “Oh, um, he’s usually busy at the home on Christmas.”

  “Oh.” Disappointment washes over me, but I try not to let it affect my voice. “Well, if he’s expecting you …”

  “No!” he blurts. “I, uh, I want to be with you.” He chuckles wickedly. “Besides, since this is the first time you’ve had a guest, what better way to break the ice than with a tatted-up, scruffy musician with a tongue piercing?”

  I rub my thighs together, remembering how that piercing felt on my soft places. Jesus.

  He laughs when I suddenly roll him over and straddle his hips. “Right, then. No more talk about parents now.”

  It is one of the best nights of my life. Pausing only when Matt retrieved my carry-on from the car, we’ve spent the time wrapped up in each other. We’ve talked about our lives; he told me a little more about Tom, and I talked about my siblings. I know he’s a little intimidated by the size of my family, but he seems to be looking forward to meeting them.

  At some point, I wake to feel his hands on my breasts as he grinds against my ass. Gently, he lifts my leg just enough to allow him to claim me again. He moves with great care, but also with a passion that leaves me breathless. “Fuckin’ perfection,” he whispers hoarsely in my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. “What am I going to do without you for three weeks?”

  I’m not sure he expects an answer. And I have the same question. He’s leaving at the crack of dawn for the last leg of Redfall’s world tour. They have dates in Australia, before playing a few shows in Canada and the US after the holidays. I hate that now we’ve finally reached a détente, so to speak, we have to separate. Maybe it’s a good thing.

  My throat closes up and sudden tears prick my eyes. Moving against him more vigorously, I reach behind me to hold him as best I can, for however long I can.