Not Used To Cute

by Becca Seymour

  Instead of biting, she brushed away a stray tear, which made my stomach sink even further. I was having a hard enough time handling pushing Seb away, palming him off to Cole. It had taken all my willpower to watch him drive off with him. Harriet getting pissed at me was welcome. It would help me focus on a solid emotion rather than attempting to navigate through the minefield of shit pulsing through my head.

  I sighed in defeat. So much for me not talking about it. I would have scoffed if I could handle the additional energy needed to react. “You know why.”

  Once again, she shook her head. “No.” Her voice was vehement. “You always used me as an excuse; my past, my issues, my condition. I always knew that was bullshit but didn’t call you out on it, and I’m sorry. I should have. I was too caught up in my own crap.”

  “Like hell you were. You had every right to retreat the way you did. Don’t you dare say you’re sorry to me for anything.” My tone held no room for argument.

  Her eyes softened a little. “But still, you used your need to look after me as your reason to not get close to anyone. You can’t do that anymore. I’m getting there, am so much better, and I have Drake.”

  I lifted my shoulder in a light shrug, having no words to respond. I didn’t know what she wanted or expected me to say.

  “Elijah.” She stepped forward. “Why did you push him away?”

  I stared at my sister. My mouth clamped shut while my heart pounded in my chest. I’d been legit terrified of Seb, my reaction and draw to him. That was my truth, and there was no way anyone else would ever know that. I didn’t even truly understand it myself.

  When he’d rambled on, my need to kiss him had been fierce.

  Shit, even back at the bar I’d admitted I wanted to kiss him. What the hell had I been thinking, saying that to him, especially after he’d just been attacked.

  But through the sometimes nonsense of his words, it was so easy to see his strength as well as his insecurities. They lay out in the open for me to see. It had hit me, when my thumb had grazed his lips, that I had the power to destroy every element of good he had inside him. Seb was all light. A brightness lit in him when he lost himself in his words, sharing his wandering thoughts. It would be too easy to douse that. No way would I allow that to happen.

  Harriet looked at me, her stare hard. I knew she didn’t understand what was going on in my head or the decisions I made. She thought I pushed people away. She’d told me several times. But that wasn’t technically true. I had my friends, my bar, and her. I didn’t know if there was room for anyone else.

  “Listen—”

  Drake entering stopped me from continuing, and I couldn’t have been more grateful. He glanced at the two of us, zeroing in on the upset on Harriet’s face, and stiffened. “We good here?” Eyes on Harriet, he waited for her to respond before moving.

  She nodded. Drake entered fully, threw me daggers, and headed over to my sister, sweeping her into his arms and then pressing a kiss on the top of her head. I watched as she leaned into him, and I wanted nothing more than to look away, but instead, I stood transfixed, taking in what they had. Their start hadn’t been easy, but they were strong, and I was happy for them. My gut churned as I tried to make sense of that happiness.

  I liked that she was happy, was relieved that Drake kept her safe.

  “Right. I’m gone.” I spun and pulled open the door.

  “Elijah.” Harriet’s unsteady voice stopped me. “Love you. Stay safe.”

  Throwing her a wink, I answered, “Always. You too.” I sent Drake a chin lift, then headed out and mounted my bike. Revving my engine, I peeled out of the parking lot and headed to the bar. Cole had said he’d head back there after, and I needed to sort out a way to make sure my bar and staff were safe. My thoughts immediately travelled to Seb and his crestfallen face.

  I’d hurt him, but better hurting him now, setting the lines, than me letting him down like I had every other relationship I had ever had.

  “That won’t work.” I shook my head at Cole.

  He cracked his neck from side to side, rubbing his hand over his dark buzzcut hair. It was so unlike my dishevelled hair that I tended to hide away under beanies and caps. I watched as his jaw tightened before he lifted his brows at me. “Right. So what do you suggest then?”

  I was being difficult, and I knew it. “Nothing,” I sighed. “Ignore me. I’m being a prick.”

  He grunted, amusement in his raised brows. “You think?”

  I squinted at him and gave a noncommittal shrug. “Whatever.”

  This time, Cole snorted. “Listen, I know as much as you do that this is all screwed, but what else is going on?”

  Deliberately keeping my shoulders relaxed, I asked, “What’re you talking about?”

  After a few beats of silence, I looked his way and then sighed when he stared at me, unflinching, with a hard gaze. Rubbing my palm over my face, I considered my response. There was no way I would be sharing with him or anyone how tied up in knots I was over Seb. Clenching my jaw, deciding stubbornness was the safest option, I opened my mouth to fob him off but was interrupted by Cole’s phone ringing.

  I grinned, picked up my beer, and took a swig.

  His hard stare remained fixed on me a moment longer before he reached for his phone and answered. “Yo?”

  I looked around the bar as he spoke. There were only a few guys around, and Lenny serving at the bar. I held up my almost empty bottle when I caught his eyes, and he nodded, throwing me a small smile. Lenny was a good guy. As Banjo’s brother, a guy who’d I’d grown up measuring dicks alongside, he’d transitioned into his position at Bar QK with ease over the past few months. It was a sort of given that I’d give him a chance, since I’d known him for most of my life.

  I’d seen him sparingly over the years. And I’d told Banjo on more than one occasion that I thought his ex was a douche. His smile had rarely lit his eyes, something that hadn’t sat comfortably with his brother or me.

  He’d only been working the bar for us for the past six months, and that was because finally, after a couple of years of being involved with a controlling shithead, he’d managed to break free of him. Since leaving school, he had barely done anything but work or stay at home, courtesy of his jealous ex who expected him to be at his beck and call unless he was bringing in the cash. I knew Banjo was angry that his brother had played the happy, dutiful boyfriend for so long, livid with himself that despite the many challenges and questions he’d thrown his younger brother’s way over the years, Lenny had never disclosed just how bad his relationship had become.

  I was relieved his ex was out of the picture. At twenty-five, Lenny was too young to be so downtrodden and wary. I snorted as he set my beer in front of me, the irony of my words and my own situation not lost on me.

  “What?” Lenny asked, his brow cocked high.

  I shook my head. “Nothing, Len, really.”

  He leaned his elbows on the bar and gave me a look of disbelief. I grinned, remembering him as a young kid. Hell, from about four, he’d followed me and Banjo around, always in the way, always sweet as hell. We’d started high school not long after he was born, and while Banjo and I had somehow gotten roped into babysitting more often than we’d like, both of us protected him fiercely.

  Despite his youth, ’cause he seemed a damn sight younger than me, there was a hardness in his eyes. It kinda made him wise beyond his years.

  “If this is about a certain new member of staff who has a penchant for talking too much and leaving a trail of destruction in his wake, I think you should stop worrying and go for it.”

  My brows sprang high, making Lenny laugh. “Am I that obvious?”

  He seemed to take pity on me as he pulled in his amusement. “To me and perhaps a few others who’ve known you forever.”

  I sighed at that.

  “Seb is a really good guy. What’s the problem?”

  My shrug was lame. I knew it, but it was all I could offer.

  Lenny
pursed his lips a little, a crease bunching between his brows. “Listen, I’ve got my own set of theories about why you hold yourself back and make yourself unattainable.”

  “You do?” I shook my head. “Actually, I don’t think I want to know.”

  “But how about I tell you anyway?” A mischievous smile lifted his lips.

  “Or I could just walk away?” I countered.

  “Then I could follow you. There’s a few tables I can clear along the way.”

  “Or,” I sassed, “I could just fire your arse.”

  “Ha! As if. You need me too much, not only because I’m a genius behind the bar and manage to make tips in a country that doesn’t tip—” He paused, and I couldn’t help but agree with how right he was. He did have a fan club who visited every weekend just to watch him make cocktails. There were plenty of regulars and newbies alike that wanted a shot at him. “—but also, you know I’m the only one who will say it as it is and put you straight.”

  I quirked my brow at his wording, and he rolled his eyes at me.

  “Get me a shot, and I’ll plant my arse here and listen, I suppose.”

  “Good choice,” he said, turning and making a beeline for the back wall lined with liquor.

  “Actually, best make it a double.”

  Who knew, maybe he could help me pull my head out my backside and figure out how to get over my fear of letting Seb in? Because that look Seb had shot my way when I’d sent him home without me wasn’t something I thought I could handle again.

  Six

  Seb

  The coward in me had me calling in sick the next day. I couldn’t afford it, but my humiliation was too raw. I spent the day eating own-brand ice cream, a whole litre to myself. I also managed to score a four-dollar cleanskin bottle of wine too, saving a whole dollar on a dodgy special that was running.

  The combination wasn’t the greatest, but it was needed for me to get over myself.

  Past relationships of mine had a way of ending epically badly. And while Elijah and I didn’t have a relationship at all, I’d let my fanciful mind think that he cared for me beyond that of employer looking out for his employee. I’d allowed myself to believe that just because my attraction was fierce and thoughts of him overwhelmed me, he must have surely felt the same way. And then there was that kiss declaration.

  But how wrong I was.

  My alarm blared. I cut it off and exhaled. There was no choice but to get my arse out of bed and into work. It was drawing to the end of the month, which meant the bills had started to arrive thick and fast.

  But I could do this.

  I could play the game, fix a smile on my face, and carry on and earn some cash. What would also help was I could get a surf in. It had been a couple of weeks since I’d last hit the waves—a long time for me. Heading out with my board would help clear my head and get things into perspective. Really, I should have got up at the ass crack of dawn to go, but after the ice cream and cheap booze yesterday, there was no way that would have happened.

  After sorting myself out, I headed out, making the bus just in time. The bus meant I was twenty minutes early, but much better that than me being late, so I took a breath and entered the bar. It was already open, as it catered for breakfast, making the most of the tourist trade. I waved at Lenny, who was at the coffee machine. His smile was wide as he greeted me. My shoulders relaxed a fraction, grateful that Bar QK was so welcoming. Despite my embarrassment about seeing Elijah, it was the friendly faces of Lenny and then Carla that reaffirmed sticking this job out was the right thing to do. I’d get over my fanciful crush.

  “Feeling better, honey?” Carla asked, heading over and wrapping me up in her arms.

  Warmth rushed through me at this woman’s kindness. “I really am, thanks,” I said, pulling away.

  “We’ve all been so worried.” She looped her arm through mine and led me to my small desk, settled me in, and then poured me a glass of water.

  “You have?”

  “Of course, what with the paint and what you went through.” She shook her head and tutted.

  “Oh yeah.” I cringed internally. Was it bad that I’d all but forgotten about the weird paint incident? While it had shaken me at the time, every thought and emotion since had been overrun with Elijah. The day of the incident, I’d ended up making a police statement to Drake when he’d shown up at my small flat a couple hours after I’d arrived home. But other than that, I didn’t know what would happen or could happen.

  “When you didn’t come in yesterday,” Carla said, her voice turning into a hushed whisper, “Elijah was a nightmare. He started demanding that I rock up at yours to make sure you were okay. I told him I texted and that you’d responded to every single one, so finally he gave in, but bloody hell, nightmare.”

  Confusion had me dipping my brows low. “It will have been because of the paint, is all.” That was the only reason I could think of. He’d made his intentions perfectly clear when I’d been at his sister’s house and he had sent me on my way.

  As I spoke, Carla snorted out a laugh. “Whatever you say.”

  Before I had the opportunity to question her more, the phone on her desk rang, and I turned to the paperwork on mine. I knew I had a bunch of orders to make, plus I’d been tasked to coordinate an upcoming fire and evacuation plan audit.

  It was early afternoon before I stood and stretched, having got on top of the most urgent tasks. But it was no good. I had to have a conversation with Elijah about the inspection. I picked up my notes and left the small back office, going in search of my boss.

  “That’s never going to happen.”

  I stumbled when I heard Elijah’s harsh words and paused just to the side of the open doorway to his office.

  “But you know my mouth on your cock—”

  My eyes sprang open at the voice I didn’t recognise.

  “I said no.” Elijah cut him off.

  “But it’s never been a problem before. Why now?”

  Elijah’s sigh was loud and frustrated. “I’m not interested, so back off before you humiliate yourself even more.”

  Movement and chair shifting followed. A voice in my head screamed at me to leave, but I remained rooted to the spot, unable to pull myself away.

  “It’s that bright-eyed twink, right?” The voice was full of derision. “Everyone is talking about it, about you sniffing around him.” A spiteful laugh followed. “Heard he’s not interested, and frankly, I’m surprised, Elijah. I thought you liked your fucks to have a little more substance.”

  Nausea swirled in my gut, twirling with anger that woke inside me. While I couldn’t be sure this guy was talking about me, it was too much of a coincidence for it not to be. But he had so many facts wrong. I was the one doing the silent panting, Elijah certainly wasn’t interested, and bloody twink…. I balled my hands into fists. It wasn’t a term I liked, wasn’t a label I wanted. For those who did, good on them. I was all for people making their own choices and embracing their own identities. But that was one I didn’t want.

  A chair shifting caught my attention. Elijah’s low voice followed, sounding more menacing than I’d ever heard before. “If you want to keep your contract with us, you’ll back the fuck off, and you’ll never mention Seb again. You hear me?”

  My heart hammered in my chest. The sound rushed to my ears, making it hard to concentrate.

  “Holy shit, it’s true. You are stuck on him.”

  I was sure whoever this guy was had a death wish. While I’d never seen Elijah react in any way violently, between his physique, his broodiness, and his take-no-shit attitude, I had no difficulty visualising him shutting someone up with a damaging punch. The thought should have scared me. But there was one thing I was certain of about Elijah—okay, more than one thing—but when it came to violence, I imagined it would be a last resort and only in defence.

  “Matthew, get the fuck out.”

  A high-pitched snort followed, clearly from this Matthew. “Okay, okay, no need to go a
ll Hulk on me.” He sighed almost whimsically. “I’ll miss your cock in my mouth, but I will say— Now, now, nothing shitty to say, honest.” I wondered what Elijah had done elicit such a reaction. Curiosity burned through me as I waited for him to continue. “He must be something really special to have caught your attention and kept it.”

  The chair moved again, and a huff from Elijah followed. “He is.”

  I couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. Standing like a statue, I was close to passing the hell out, struggling with getting air into my lungs. When I finally did, I spun around quickly, needing to get out of there.

  “Hey, Seb,” Carla called, “you finished with Elijah already? Is he free?”

  I willed the floor beneath me to open up and swallow me whole. It didn’t happen. Instead, the sound of Elijah’s office door swinging open filled the space, and I felt the colour in my cheeks drain.

  “Seb?” Elijah’s voice had me moving.

  “Uhh, quick call to make. The copier is burning. Got to go.”

  I just reacted, no real idea about the words I spewed. I just had to get out of there. I brushed past Carla, not quite breaking into a run, but moving as though the hounds of hell were chasing me. Reaching the rear exit, I burst through the doors and headed to the car park. There was a small wall just beyond where a few cars were parked. I reached it quickly and sat, knowing it would block me from anyone’s view.

  What had I been thinking? Hanging outside of Elijah’s office like a creeper wasn’t my smartest move. Not only would he know that, he’d also know I was a coward, as I’d run out of there quick smart.

  The job had been going so well too. Perhaps it was my cue to move on and look for something else.

  Sitting alone, nothing but my ragged breaths and my fast-beating heart as company, I froze when I heard the hinges of the rear exit open. While I knew I could be, should be better than this… better than hiding, I was too concerned about the consequences should it be Elijah.