by E. L. Todd
“What?” I asked.
“Have you watched any gay porn?”
The question caught me off guard. “No.”
“You should try it.”
I couldn’t imagine a girlfriend telling me to go watch porn so I’m surprised a boyfriend would. “Uh, why?”
“It’s a good way to learn what you like and don’t like.”
“I thought I was doing that with you?”
“But it doesn’t hurt to explore a little more, right?” he asked.
The thought hadn’t crossed my mind once. “I suppose.”
He opened his laptop then put a video on.
“We’re doing this now?” I asked.
“Yeah. It’ll be hot.” He moved to his knees between my legs.
The video was on and I caught a few glimpses. Everything was turning me on, especially having Heath between my legs. “You’re enough, Heath. I don’t need to watch porn to get off.”
“I know,” he said. “But you’re like a virgin. I really want to give you the full experience.”
***
After I reciprocated, we shut the laptop and relaxed in our post-orgasm high.
“That was fun,” I said.
He lay next to me on the couch then wrapped his arm around my waist. “I told you.”
“Do you watch porn often?”
“Every once in a while,” he said. “It’s just a means to an end sometimes. But I definitely prefer the real thing.”
“Me too.”
He gave me a gentle kiss before he pulled away. “Now what?”
“I’m hungry.”
“Shocking,” he said sarcastically.
“I’m always hungry after I have an orgasm like that.”
“I’m usually sleepy.”
“Let’s compromise,” I said. “Let’s eat in bed.”
“That sounds like a damn good idea.”
***
When we arrived at the restaurant, Jasmine and Reid were already there. I hadn’t been romantic with Heath in front of anyone before so I was nervous. Anytime Heath and I went out, we never displayed affection or acted as anything more than friends. Even though I loved Heath, I didn’t want to be open about our relationship to the world. It was one thing to be gay, but another to throw it in people’s faces. Hate crimes were performed every day and I didn’t want to make enemies if I could avoid it.
So, I hoped Heath didn’t expect anything at dinner.
We sat down across from them, and my eyes immediately moved to Reid, wondering if he would be uncomfortable around us. Did he think less of me? Did he dislike me now?
Reid shook my hand over the table. “It’s nice to see you again.”
I took it. “You too.”
Then he introduced himself to Heath. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“You too,” Heath said politely.
“So, we’ve never met but I feel like I know you,” Jasmine said.
“I feel like I know you too,” he said. “Roland talks about you a lot.”
“Well, I’m his only friend at the moment,” Jasmine said. Then she gave me a pointed look.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“You know exactly what it means.” She sipped her beer then looked at the menu.
Heath leaned toward me. “I like her.”
I ignored his comment.
Reid turned to me. “One of my closest friends is gay. So, if you were nervous about tonight, don’t be. Jasmine made it sound like this transition is difficult for you.”
“It’s not a walk in the park, that’s for sure,” I said.
Heath rested his hand on my thigh. “We’ll get through it.”
I eyed his hand then looked around, wondering who could see us. There could be families in here and children. I didn’t like to show affection and I thought Heath knew that. I brushed his hand away.
He gave me a look full of hurt.
Goddammit. I was fucking up this relationship left and right. To make up for what I did, I placed my hand on his thigh.
He brushed it off.
It was too late. I already offended him.
“So, you guys went bowling?” I asked.
Reid chuckled. “It was more of jasmine creaming me, really.”
“I’ve bowled for a long time,” she said with a shrug.
“But she ate greasy pizza and foamy beer with me,” Reid said. “So, that lightened the bitter defeat.”
“I could teach you.”
“I might take you up on that offer,” Reid said.
Heath looked at his menu and remained quiet.
“Heath, you work at the magazine with Roland?” she asked.
He put his menu down. “Yes, I’m a staff writer. That’s how Roland and I met. We worked together, and then sparks flew.”
“Cute,” she said. “At least you guys get to see each other all the time.”
“Yeah, it’s nice,” Heath said. He was nice to Jasmine but I knew he was pissed off at me. I felt like all I ever did was piss him off lately.
“How long have you been together?” Reid asked.
“Officially, about six month. Unofficially, about a year,” Heath answered.
“That’s a long time,” Reid noted. “Getting serious?”
“Yes,” I said before Heath could make a vicious comment. “Very.”
“The maybe people ought to know about it,” Jasmine said before she took another sip of her beer.
I shot her a glare.
“If I didn’t say it before, I really like her,” Heath said.
“Of course you do,” I said darkly.
“For what its worth,” Reid said. “I’ve gotten to know your friends in a distant way, and I know none of them would care, especially Trinity. I mean, she works with gay guys all the time.”
“Let me know when you have to reveal a life changing secret to your family and we’ll revisit this conversation,” I said sarcastically.
“Just trying to help,” Reid said gently.
“We’re supporting you,” Jasmine said. “Not working against you.”
“I know…I’m just tired of talking about it,” I said. I moved my hand to Heath’s thigh.
He brushed it away again. “You don’t want to show affection with me, Roland. You fear someone will see you. I get it. So don’t touch me since you don’t really want to.”
Reid and Jasmine remained quiet.
“It’s not like that,” I said. “I’m just not used to this.”
“What?” Heath asked. “Keeping a secret? When you invited me to this double date, I assumed it was, in fact, a date. And when I go out, I like to show affection and not give a damn what anyone thinks. So, if you have a problem with that, fine.”
“I just don’t want to attract attention,” I said. “What if a gang wants to beat us up? Like a hate crime?”
“In a restaurant?” he asked incredulously. “It’s not like we’re at a Mets game.”
I knew he was right.
“And you can’t live your life in fear,” Heath said. “Whatever happens, happens. You’ll live longer when you realize this.” He drank his beer and didn’t look at me again.
Reid seemed awkward. “Maybe we should go…”
“We’re fine,” I said.
“Dandy,” Heath said bitterly.
“I know things are hard right now, but they’ll get better,” Jasmine said. “In Roland’s defense, he has no idea what he’s doing. You may have had a lifetime to get accustomed to this lifestyle, but Roland’s only had a few months, and most of that time he was confused. He’s been taking things slow, but he has been very brave. Most people would just deny these urges and die unhappy just to avoid persecution and judgment. That’s not what Roland’s doing. He understands he needs to come out and tell the world. He’s just not ready to right this second. Heath, please be patient with him. Roland has told me on several accounts how happy he is with you and how much he loves you.”
I was grateful Jasmine swooped in and saved my ass. It was about time someone said something nice about me. Most of the time, I just felt like a failure.
Heath turned to me and the anger was gone. “You’re right.” He moved his hand to my thigh. “I’m sorry for being rude.”
“It’s okay.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
Then he leaned over and kissed me.
I returned the embrace.
“See?” Jasmine said. “Isn’t this a great date now?”
Heath smiled. “I suppose.”
We ordered our food and more drinks. Heath was in a much better mood from that point onward. Sometimes he was too hard on me about our relationship and sometimes he was lenient, but I was glad Jasmine gave him another reason to be patient. I was going through a lot, and most people didn’t see that.
Reid kept staring at Jasmine, eyeing her with obvious desire and affection. He snuck kisses with her whenever he could, and she seemed to be his primal focus. Jasmine made it seem like he wasn’t that interested, like he was just having fun until he found something better, but that wasn’t the impression I got. He seemed genuinely into her. Why wouldn’t he be? Jasmine was great.
“You know what I brought her on our last date?” Reid asked.
“Flowers?” Heath guessed.
“A pint of chocolate ice cream,” he said. “Because she told me she wasn’t a flower girl.”
“Then we ate the whole thing after sex,” Jasmine said. “That’s how we roll.”
Reid laughed and stared at her fondly. “Isn’t she great?”
I caught the look he gave her. You’d have to be blind to miss it. “She’s pretty cool.”
“And she loves beer,” Reid said. “What chick loves beer?”
“Dikes,” Heath said honestly.
“You aren’t a dike, right?” Reid whispered to her.
“If you have to ask, I’m a little worried,” she said with a laugh.
“Well, if you’re a dike, then I’m into lesbians,” Reid said. “I don’t care.”
“Problem solved,” Jasmine said.
When the food was brought, Jasmine ate directly off Reid’s plate before focusing on her own.
Reid watched her, but he didn’t seem annoyed. If anything, he seemed amused. Then he picked up his fork to try her pasta.
“Whoa.” She stopped his fork with hers. “Whatcha doing?”
“You can have some of mine but I can’t have any of yours?” he asked with a laugh.
“Yep. This is a one-way street.”
He leaned back into his seat. “Since you’re cute, I’ll let it go.”
She smiled in triumph then turned to her food.
Reid quickly stabbed his fork into her pasta then shoved the food into his mouth. He grinned at the appalled look on her face. “It’s a two-way street if you ask me.”
She gave him a glare but it quickly melted into a smile. “You’re lucky you’re so damn sexy.”
He smirked in appreciation. “Why, thank you.” He took another bite of her food.
“Now you’re just getting carried away,” she said.
“How about this?” He grabbed their plates then split each dish in half. Now they had equal servings of each meal. “Everyone wins.”
She nodded her head in approval. “I think that solved the problem.”
“I got more than just looks,” Reid said.
Heath leaned toward me. “They’re cute together.”
“I was just thinking the same thing,” I whispered back. My hand squeezed his.
“Can I have some of your food?”
I smiled. “Sure.”
He took a bite. “Yum.”
I took a bite of his. “Yum.”
He chuckled then rubbed his nose against mine.
I forgot about everyone in the room and just concentrated on Heath. When I didn’t care what anyone else thought, it really made my life easier. If I told everyone the truth, I could be this way with Heath all the time, not just in front of Jasmine and Reid.
And that would be really nice.
***
We headed to the sidewalk and exchanged our goodbyes. When Jasmine hugged Heath and they talked quietly, I moved toward Reid. “I want to have a few words with you.”
“I’m all ears,” Reid said.
“I’m not really the protective type and I’m not trying to come off that way but…”
Reid’s playful mood evaporated and he watched me with a serious expression.
“Jasmine is a really great girl and you aren’t going to find someone with a beautiful spirit like her. She’s been through a lot, and while she acts strong on the outside, she’s not as hard as stone as you think. My point is, if you aren’t interested don’t draw it out. End it and go on your way before you pull her in too deep.”
“What makes you think I’m not interested?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I’m just saying…”
“Well, I really like her,” he said. “I don’t want to end it.”
“Well, that’s great.” I suspected he really liked her. And I was glad he said it.
“Now can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Why is she so…distant? You know what I mean?”
I did. “She’s been burned a lot.”
“She mentioned Cayson dumping her for Skye.” His jaw was clenched tight like he was irritated by that fact.
“Yeah, she got the short stick on that but…she knew how he felt about her. As much as I love Jasmine, she dug her own grave on that one. She just has a history of people leaving all the time. Even her parents aren’t around.”
“Her parents?” There was surprise in his voice.
I guess she hadn’t told him about it. “Uh, nevermind. Basically, Jasmine doesn’t expect you to be around for long, and that expectation is fine. Just don’t give her a different impression then leave. That’s all.”
He nodded. “Well, I don’t want to leave so I think we’re fine.”
“Good,” I said. “She deserves to be happy.”
He rubbed his chin. “I just have a hard time understanding why men have been so shady to her. She’s like the coolest chick in the world and she’s drop dead gorgeous. Unless she’s actually a freak and she’s hiding her true colors for now, I’m having a hard time understanding why so many passed her up.”
I shrugged. “I really don’t know.” And I’m guessing he didn’t know I slept with her a few times. I decided to keep that information to myself. I was in love with Heath so I didn’t see why that would make him jealous, but it might. “Well, I’m glad we had this talk.”
“Yeah.” He shook my hand.
Jasmine came into his side. “I’m horny. Let’s go.”
Reid eyes widened. “Then let’s hurry the hell up.” He put his arm around her and walked away.
Heath stood close to me, his shoulder touching mine. “I really like her, Roland.”
“She’s a sweet girl.”
“He’s a good guy, right?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He seems to be really into her.”
“Good,” Heath said. “She deserves to be happy.”
We started walking back to the apartment. Heath grabbed my hand casually.
I let the affection linger, deciding not to care what anyone thought. If Heath made me happy, then I shouldn’t care what other people think. My lifestyle and choices weren’t affecting anyone else. What did it matter?
Would my family feel the same way? Would they not care? Would they be supportive just as Reid and Jasmine had been? One day, would I be able to have dinner with my family and Heath? Would I be able to hold his hand? Would we bring our adopted children and still be a family?
Could I have everything I wanted?
Chapter Seven
Clementine
I felt like I’d been dreaming the king of all dreams. It was the kind that felt so good that you purposely hoped you would fall back asleep. It was the
kind that made you claw at the bed sheets, like holding onto something would make it stay. It was that kind of dream, something so beautiful that you never wanted it to leave.
Then I woke up.
I realized it’d all been a lie. None of it had been real. My Prince Charming had turned into a wolf and he wanted to rip me into pieces. All the flowers had wilted and died. Everything I once believed was just a story.
I felt like a fool. I stupidly fell for one man’s lies, and then I met Ward and repeated the exact same mistakes. I trusted him and gave my heart to him. I sacrificed my job for some jerk who viewed me as a rebound. I was just someone who he stumbled upon and used to get over the woman he really wanted. I was the lesser choice. I was the girl he manipulated.
I was just a stupid girl.
Stupid girl.
As soon as Ward and I had our fight, I went to the joint and begged for my job back. Unfortunately, he already hired someone to replace me. But he would call me as soon as one of the girls left.
Fuck, I was screwed.
I couldn’t believe I quit my job for him. Why the hell was I so stupid? Why did I let him manipulate me like that? Was I the dumbest person on the face of the earth? I knew there had to be something wrong with him. A beautiful British gentleman wanted me all to himself?
Wake up and smell the roses, Clementine.
I’d never been so humiliated in my life. I introduced Ward to my family, but was told I was a rebound. Cayson practically spat on him because he loathed him so much. The whole time we were dating, he was probably flirting with Skye right under my nose. And he’d seen her naked. If he’d seen her chest, then mine was obviously a disappointment in comparison.
This was a huge embarrassment.
What did Cayson and Skye tell my parents when they arrived? The truth? Or did they cover for me? I would be so mortified if I introduced my parents to the man I wanted for the rest of my life, but they absolutely loathed him. Every time we were together, it would be awkward. Everyone would know Ward wanted Skye but couldn’t have her, so he went to a strip club to drown in his misery and stumbled upon me instead, some stripper.
I was so a rebound.
That’s all I was to him.
He was so desperate to find someone to love him and marry him that he picked me, a stripper who needed a rich husband so she could pursue music. He knew I was beneath him so I would be an easy catch. That’s why he took charge and made me spend time with him in London. That’s why he made me quit my job.