by E. L. Todd
Because he knew he could get away with it.
Ugh, I wanted to kill him.
I should have slapped him again just for good measure.
His money was still sitting in my bank account and I wondered what I should do with it. I seriously considered withdrawing it, setting it on fire, and then leaving the ashes on his doorstep. That money was dirty. It only reminded me of how easily he bought me.
I didn’t want it.
But I didn’t have an income and I didn’t have a job. Technically, I owed him strip shows for the remainder of the year, but forget that. I’d give him back the money in a heartbeat before I lowered myself to that.
People judged me for being a stripper and I never had a problem with it. But now I judged myself for being the dumbest person on the planet. I’d fallen in love with two lying jackasses. I’d fallen in love with two disgusting pigs.
What. Was. Wrong. With. Me.
I don’t get it. Slade was a jerk to Trinity, but he changed and became the perfect man for her. Why couldn’t I just find a nice guy? I wasn’t asking for the world. Just one nice guy that wasn’t a liar and a cheat.
Was that so much to ask for?
I guess so.
***
I stayed in my apartment and watched movies all day, every day. A few people came to my apartment but I didn’t even check the peephole. It was probably my brother or Skye. And if it wasn’t them then it was probably Ward.
And I didn’t want to talk to him.
My phone was off, so if he had called me, I wouldn’t have known. I didn’t want to hear his voice or read his text messages. And I certainly didn’t want to see his stupid face.
That stupid face with perfect features and bright blue eyes. That stupid face with that perfect facial hair. That stupid face with that perfect smile.
Ugh, I hated him. I hated the fact I was still into him. You’d think I’d be totally over him for what he did.
You’d be wrong.
I sat eating ice cream right out of the carton when there was a loud knock on my door.
“Clementine.” It was Ward. He knocked again. “Talk to me.”
I stilled for a moment then kept eating.
“I’ve given you space but now we need to talk. Darling, please.”
I kept eating my ice cream, scooping large chunks into my mouth. It was rocky road, one of my favorites. But not even a delicious sweetness could fight the pain deep in my gut.
The sound of a key in the door stopped me in mid-bite.
Shit, he had a key. I completely forgot!
“I’m coming in.” Ward opened the door and stepped inside.
I shoved the ice cream into the sink and pretended I wasn’t eating it like a fatass who missed him, loved him, and hated him all at the same time. “Leave my key and go.” I held my ground and pretended to be indifferent to him. The fact my hair was thrown in a messy bun and I looked like hell didn’t help. I was clearly going through my painful break up stage, where I didn’t go outside unless I absolutely had to.
Ward stood in his suit, looking like he hadn’t suffered over me whatsoever. “Clementine, it’s not like how it sounds.”
I rolled my eyes, trying to be as irritating as possible. “Ward, leave. I don’t even want to look at you right now. Just disappear and go back to wherever the hell you came from. My life was a much better place without you in it.” I’d never said such mean things to anyone in my life, but that was how much I hated him. Ward purposely told me I could trust him. He asked me to take a risk for it. And then he fucked me over.
“I wasn’t in love with Skye. Never have been and never will be.”
“You just offer to quit your job for just anybody?” I asked incredulously.
“I knew Sean wouldn’t actually make me do it.”
“What if he had?” I asked. “Would you have just changed your mind? ‘Actually, I don’t like her that much, Sean. I was just bluffing’ and then walk out?”
He sighed then ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I would have done but Sean wouldn’t have asked me to quit.”
“So you make gestures that mean nothing often?”
“No, I—”
“It sounds like it. You don’t directly lie but you’re a very deceitful person, and that just makes you worse.”
He took a deep breath and seemed wounded. “I understand why you’re upset. I do.”
“Yeah, maybe you do,” I snarled. “But that doesn’t mean you care. You were aware of all of this while we were together. This was not news to you. And yet, you kept it from me.”
“I just didn’t see why it was relevant. You haven’t told me about every somewhat romantic relationship you’ve had.”
I think the fact she’s my sister-in-law makes a damn difference!”
He was losing his cool. His calmness had evaporated, and he seemed frightened. “She’s not your sister-in-law yet and what does it matter? Can you honestly tell me you haven’t had a thing for someone in your group? Roland? Conrad?”
“No! They’re family to me. And that wouldn’t matter anyway because that’s totally different.”
He came closer to me, an arm outstretched.
I backed up. “Don’t come any closer to me!”
He halted in his tracks and lowered his hand.
“Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?” My voice came out quiet.
“Cayson and I have been getting along for a while, so I assumed he wouldn’t have a problem with me dating you, honestly.”
“I still felt like an idiot for not knowing anything about you and Skye.”
“Like I said, I didn’t see why it was important. It happened like six months ago. And secondly, I figured Skye would have told you. You’re friends, right? When she and I were talking—or whatever you call it—I assumed it came up. You guys tell each other everything. You’re like a dysfunctional group that need each other to breathe.”
“I’m not as close to them.”
“Well, I didn’t know that,” he said. “I’m sorry for assuming. Besides, why should I bring up some old girl I once had a thing for? I haven’t thought about her once since she and Cayson got back together. It’s not like I’ve been desperately trying to get over her with you.”
“You know…I might be able to get over that in time…and maybe we can look past the awkwardness too…but I can’t do that for someone who forced my hand when he never let me see his cards at all. You were willing to sacrifice your job and family for Skye. I was never offered the same thing. Instead, you made me jump through hoops to keep us together. Why do I have to follow you around the world while Skye gets to keep her job and you’ll bend at her will? That’s not fair. I’m not going to make any more compromises, Ward. Forget it.”
He covered his face for a moment before he dropped his hands. “I was never going to—”
“Shut up, Ward.” I didn’t want to hear his excuses and lies again.
He closed his mouth but seemed wounded.
“We’re done. Now get out and leave my key.”
He didn’t move. He stared at me, his eyes empty and hollow. “I love you, Clementine.” Emotion caught in his throat as he said it. “Truly, madly, and deeply.”
For a moment, I believed him. He spoke so eloquently, and when he got that look in his eye, how could I not believe him? But then I remembered everything he did. I was just some pathetic rebound. “Go, Ward.”
“No.” He came closer and became more aggressive. “I’m not leaving—unless you come with me.”
“There is a knife of drawers right beside me. I suggest you get out before I open it.” I kept my arms crossed over my chest and gave him a threatening look.
“You can stab me but it won’t hurt,” he said seriously. “You can’t hurt me more than I already am.”
I averted my gaze because I didn’t want to look at him anymore.
“Darling, I’m sorry. I should have told you. That was my fault and it was a lapse
in judgment. But I stand by what I said. I didn’t love Skye and I still don’t. The only woman I want is you.”
I returned my gaze to him, giving him a look of hate. “Your words mean nothing to me.”
“Why would I have introduced you to my family if you weren’t special to me?” he demanded.
“You probably introduce all the girls to your family just as a way of giving them false security.”
He released a sarcastic laugh. “Now you’re just pulling at threads.”
“This is what happened between us; you lost Skye to Cayson then went to a strip club because you’re a sexist pig. You saw me and liked my tits and my ass. You wanted an easy lay. Of course some stupid girl would want you. She’s got no other option, right? And then when you saw me again, you latched onto me, using me as a rebound to make yourself feel better. You assumed I was beneath you so you could persuade me to do stupid things like travel with you to London and quit my job. I’m just something to pass the time. If I were really the woman you wanted, you would have made some sacrifices instead of making me do it.”
He shook his head, looking desperate. “That’s completely wrong, Clementine.”
“No, it’s not,” I said sadly. “Well, congratulations. You successfully used and destroyed me. You manipulated me and got your way. Now go and glow in your victory.”
“You aren’t a rebound,” he said firmly. “If you remember, I offered to support you since you quit your job. Would I have done that if you didn’t mean anything to me? I was just trying to get you to quit a demeaning and unsafe job. It had nothing to do with manipulation. You think I enjoyed watching some jackass grab you and demand you to grind against his cock?” His eyes were wide and he looked like he might punch a hole in my wall. “No, it killed me. Because I’m madly in love with you and no one grabs you like that—not even me.”
“I’m a big girl, Ward. I can handle myself. I’ve been doing it for a long time.”
“Well, I want to do it,” he said firmly. “I want to protect you and make you happy. I want you to pursue your passion of music without having to take off your clothes to make it happen. I just want to give you a life you deserve. If my only intention were to make you my slave, I would have asked you to quit music as well and follow me around like a dog. But I didn’t. I want you to do what you want to do—as long as you keep your clothes on.”
I didn’t want to look at him anymore. His words were empty and meaningless. And the fact I wanted to succumb to him made me feel pathetic. Would it be that difficult to sweep this under the rug and forget about it? Would it be the end of the world if I knew he cared more about Skye than he ever did about me? Was it that important that he made sacrifices for Skye but not for me? As long as I got to keep him and kiss those lips and touch that hair?
For a second I gave in.
Then my backbone hardened and my nails dug into my skin. My heart froze and became solid and impenetrable. My exterior was just as lifeless. The ice gripped me and I felt nothing for him. “Get out of my life and stay there. If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll involve my father in this. And in case you haven’t noticed, I have a scary father and even scarier uncles. Don’t cross that line.”
“You think I’m scared of any threat you make?” he asked seriously. “I love you and I’m not letting you go. I understand this is difficult for you. I wouldn’t enjoy the idea of you being romantically involved with someone you saw every day. But the fact is, Skye and I never dated. I never loved her and she never loved me. She’s our biggest advocate. She has nothing but good things to say about me.”
“I guess that was drowned out when Cayson was saying he despised you,” I jabbed.
“Cayson will come around. He’s blind when it comes to Skye, and I understand why.”
“And I was blind to you.”
“Clementine, I never lied to you.”
“But you purposely hid the truth from me.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“And you sacrificed more for a possibility of being with Skye than having a relationship with me.”
He released a heavy sigh while he stared at me. “I’ll quit my job.”
My eyes searched his face. “Excuse me?”
“I’ll quit,” he repeated. “I’ll find something else here, and I’ll live here permanently. You don’t have to fly back and forth and you be near your friends and family.”
Did he just offer that?
“I’ll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.” He came closer to me. “Does that help?”
I stepped away. “No.”
He rubbed the back of his neck in irritation. “Then negotiate with me. Tell me your terms and I’ll agree with whatever they are.”
“This isn’t a business meeting, Ward!”
“Just tell me what you want!” He got in my face. “What can I do to keep you? I’ll do anything, anything at all. Just name it and I’ll make it happen. Come on.”
I turned away.
He grabbed me and pinned me against the kitchen island. “Not accepting my offer isn’t acceptable. Make one of your own and I’ll agree to it. Breaking up isn’t an option.”
I tried to twist from his grasp. “We’re already broken up, Ward.”
“No.” He held me still. He was three times my size and could crush my skull with a single hand. There was no way I could get away unless he let me.
“I refuse to settle.” I tried to throw my body against him to push him off but it didn’t work. It was like throwing myself at a concrete wall. My body bounced off and hit the island. “You’re only doing this out of desperation. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Doesn’t mean anything?” he asked bitterly. “Last time I checked, my family was in London, including my niece and nephew who I adore, so if you think this gesture means nothing, then you’re mistaken. I’m giving up my life for you. If you think that’s easy for me, then you need to rethink it.”
“Ward, get off of me.”
“No.” He pressed his face close to mine. “What does it matter what we were before? What does it matter if I was head-over-heels for Skye? Clearly and undeniably, I’m madly in love with you now. The past is irrelevant.”
“It does matter,” I said. “It makes all the difference in the world. You asked me to take a risk for you. Against my better judgment I did. You knew how broken I was from what he did to me. But you told me to trust you anyway. Blindly, I followed you and bent myself backwards to accommodate the needs of this relationship. And in the end, I was the only one making the effort. Now that you’ve finally figured out that I’m worth something doesn’t forgive the fact you didn’t before.”
He clenched his jaw tightly and his fingers gripped my wrists. “I would have married you months ago if I knew you would have said yes.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“I told you how I felt for you a long time ago. I wasn’t lying.”
“It sounds like you’re tired of rejection and you just want to settle down with someone, you don’t care with who. I was a perfect companion for you, willing to do anything to be with the handsome British gentleman.” My voice came out vicious and cold.
“And I’m willing to do anything for you. All you have to do is tell me what you want. I’ll quit my job, I’ll marry you, and I’ll never talk to Skye again—whatever the hell you want. The ball is in your court and you better hit it back.”
I just wanted this to end. I just wanted this to be different. Ward was too good to be true and I should have figured that out. Memories flashed across my mind and I didn’t want our relationship to end. But the fight had left me. This was too complicated, and it would always be complicated. If I put the effort in this relationship, we would always resent each other. I would resent Ward for offering Skye everything from the beginning, and he would resent me for allowing him to move from his family. “This is just too complicated…”
“It’s not too complicated,” he said firmly. “Just tell me wh
at you want and I’ll do it.”
“No…” I pushed him back. Finally, he let me. “This relationship is just too hard. I don’t trust you anymore and I’m hurt by what you hid from me. I’ll always resent you for it. If you move here for me, you’ll never be happy. You’ll see your family only a few times a year, and one day you’ll hate yourself for making that decision. And why should we make such sacrifices when this relationship is messed up anyway? When I said we should remain casual, I was right. This will never work. Even if we got married, a few years down the road we’ll end up in divorce. And it’ll hurt a lot more then. I don’t have the heart for that.”
“That’s not going to happen,” he said quietly. “I wouldn’t offer to move here unless I really wanted it. And I’ll still see my family. There’s always the weekend.”
“A nine hour flight each way?” I asked incredulously. “You would only be there for twenty-four hours and then the time difference would make you exhausted the whole time. You say that now, but when it really happens you’ll realize the trip isn’t worth it. You would see them less and less, and when you did see your niece and nephew and how much they’ve grown, you would hate yourself for missing those birthday parties and dance recitals.”
His eyes fell in sadness and he averted his gaze.
“I know you don’t want that, Ward.”
“Well, I can’t live without you, Clementine. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to have my own family.”
I looked away because I couldn’t bare the pain in his eyes. “And I would never be willing to move there…not after what happened with Skye. I already risked so much and it just bit me in the ass. I’m not leaving my family for you.”
“I didn’t ask you to,” he said quietly.
“And…I don’t want to fight for this anymore. It’s too complicated. And the trust is gone…so there’s nothing left anyway.”
“I never betrayed you, Clementine. You’re upset with me over something that happened before I even met you. That’s not fair.”
“It doesn’t change anything,’ I said sadly. “How can we spend Christmas with my family and not feel awkward? Everyone will know Skye was the one you originally wanted. You fought for her and tried to keep her. You offered to quit your job for her. Whether you intended to go through with it or not, that’s what my dad will know. He’s close with Sean. Sean will tell him what you said. I’ll always be second best to you, and to everyone. I don’t want that.”