by E. L. Todd
“When they see how much I love you they won’t think that.”
I shook my head. “I’m just setting myself up for a huge embarrassment. I’m not going to do it, Ward. There’s absolutely no hope for us, not even a tiny bit. And I’m not risking any more of myself for something that’s guaranteed to make me unhappy and end in heartbreak.”
He closed his eyes for a long time and his breathing increased. “There’s always hope for love, Clementine.”
I stared at his chest. “Not for us.”
“Please don’t say that to me.” He took another deep breath and his eyes reddened. “You’re the first woman I’ve ever loved. That wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t think it would work between us, no matter how unlikely it was.”
I avoided his gaze, unable to see the emotion in his eyes. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be…”
“Don’t dismiss us without trying,” he said. “Let’s just try. I’ll quit my job and we’ll go from there.”
“No. We’ve been trying and we’ve been miserable the whole time.”
“I’ve never been miserable,” he said immediately. “I’ve never been happier in my whole life.”
I felt the same way but I didn’t say it. “I’m not going to change my mind. You should just go.”
“We’re too damn good to throw away,” he whispered.
My eyes watered.
“I love you,” he said. “I love you. Please…don’t go.”
I blinked several times to stop the impending tears.
“I’ll beg if I must,” he whispered.
“It doesn’t matter what you do or say…I don’t have the heart for this anymore.”
He sighed and his eyes watered like mine. “Clementine…”
“Please go.” I couldn’t stop my tears and they fell.
He pressed his face close to mine, his tears matching the ones falling down my cheeks. “Don’t make me go. Please just try. I can’t lose the woman who’s stolen my heart and made the sky bluer than it has ever been. I will do everything and anything to make you happy. Please…”
“There’s nothing you can do, Ward. We’ll just never work.” I sniffed and wiped my tears away.
He gripped my upper arms then closed his eyes. He stilled his emotion then opened his eyes when they stopped dripping. They were wet and coated. “We can make this work if we both try.”
I pushed him away gently. “Ward, you’re just dragging this out. Stop hurting me and just go.”
He kept his hands by his sides and stared at me.
I couldn’t watch him walk out of my life forever. It was too painful. I couldn’t do it. I turned my back to him and listened to his footsteps.
Ward came behind me and pressed his chest to my back. His warm breaths fell on the back of my neck, and then a fallen tear splashed on my skin. My breathing halted, feeling the warmth of the moisture. Then he pressed a kiss to the back of my neck. He left it there for a long time, making my hair stand on end. “I will always love you.” He stayed still for a long time. Then he pulled away and walked out of my apartment.
I stayed still until I heard the door close. Then I sat on the floor with my back to the cabinets, sobbing harder than I ever had in my life.
***
Time passed without meaning. When it was Monday, I thought it was Wednesday. When it was Thursday, I thought it was Saturday. Since I never left my apartment, the world outside my door ceased to exist. All I knew was pain, deep in my gut and visceral. It was so blinding I feared it would never go away.
Ward’s face swam in my mind. At night, I wished he were sleeping beside me. I had one of his t-shirts and I wore it to bed. It stretched to my calves. Feeling small in his arms just made me miss him more. He was my grizzly bear, the man who protected me and kept my warm all night long.
Now he was gone.
This was entirely my fault.
When I said we would be casual, I should have kept it that way. I knew this would happen. This roadblock had always been at the intersection but I turned a blind eye to it to avoid it until the last minute.
Now the collision had happened, and the wreckage was unfixable. I couldn’t come back from this and be the girl I used to be. Everything was different now. I fell in love with a perfect man when I knew there was no way he was really perfect. He was unattainable from the beginning, and I knew that. All of this happened because of my stupidity. I never should have agreed to a relationship. When he proposed it, I should have walked away.
I wished the relationship had never happened because the pain was so unbearable, but hopefully the bitterness would pass and I wouldn’t always feel that way. I didn’t like to live my life in regret, especially when it came to love. But the excruciating pain blinded me to logic. Somehow, this hurt a lot more than it did with Peter, who cheated on his wife with me. Somehow, this was worse.
Probably because I was truly and madly in love.
I’d eaten all the ice cream in my freezer, so I knew I’d have to go out and harvest supplies soon. It was the only thing I wanted to eat. Real food didn’t sound appetizing to me. I’d have to switch to low fat soon otherwise I’d balloon up to the size of an elephant.
I was lying on the couch trying to fall asleep when someone knocked on my door. I didn’t care who it was. But I wondered if it was a Girl Scout selling cookies. I could get sweets without going out. But what if it wasn’t? I didn’t want to waste the effort of getting up if it was in vain.
“Clementine, please open the door.” It was Skye.
What did she want? I decided to lay there and pretend not to exist.
She knocked again. “Please?”
I didn’t move.
“I hope you’re decent because I’m coming inside.”
What? She was going to break into my apartment? Skye Preston?
The door handle rattled and then the door opened. Slade stepped inside first then pocketed a lighter. “Works every time.”
“Thank you, Slade,” Skye said.
“Good luck.” He walked out and shut the door.
Skye came to the couch then stared down at me. Sadness came into her eyes, and she seemed genuinely empathetic. “If it makes you feel better, Ward isn’t doing much better.”
“It doesn’t.” I threw the blanket off of me. I moved to one side of the couch and pulled my knees to my chest. I looked disgusting. I hadn’t showered in days and my hair was greasy and oily.
Skye sat beside me and looked forward, not staring at me. “Clementine, I think you’re blowing everything out of proportion.”
‘”Easy for you to say,” I said bitterly. “You’re used to succeeding at everything you do. You’re used to every guy falling madly in love with you. Well, not everyone is gorgeous and perfect. The rest of us are average.”
“That’s ridiculous, Clementine.”
“Is it?” I demanded.
“Yes,” she said firmly. “I’m ten pounds heavier than I should be, I’m clumsy, and as Slade will tell you freely, I’m the most annoying person in the world. Clementine, your beauty triumphs mine instantly. I’m beneath you.”
I didn’t want to argue about who was prettier. It was a stupid conversation to have. “What do you want, Skye?”
“You know why I’m here.”
“Ward and I can’t work it out. You may as well just go.”
“Judging how depressed you are, I’d say you should make it work.”
I pulled the blanket over me, suddenly feeling cold.
“Ward was never in love with me,” she said. “I sincerely hope you don’t think otherwise.”
I tightened the blanket around me.
“Ward and I got along well when we met. He was charming and polite. I immediately liked him. He’s a great worker and always professional. If you think he was bringing me flowers every day and feeding me lines during our lunch break you’re wrong. And the only reason why we kissed was because I kissed him. I can promise you that whatever you’re thinking
that happened isn’t how it actually played out.”
“Skye, I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for my relationship with Ward.” I didn’t mention my stripping career and didn’t plan on it. “The arrangement was rocky from the beginning and it was always difficult. But I made an effort to make it last forever. I even told him I was willing to quit my job just so I could fly back and forth with him like a pet that he kept in his lap. It would ruin any chance I had of a career but I was willing to do it for him. But to hear that he was willing to quit his job just for the opportunity to be with you…just makes me realize that no matter how he may feel about me now, whatever he felt for you was stronger.”
“I don’t agree with that at all,” she said firmly. “Ward only offered that because he didn’t have a choice. We worked together. What else was he supposed to do?”
“Not make the offer,” I said simply. “Or make the same one to me.”
She looked away, clearly knowing I bested her in the argument.
“It’s just too complicated, Skye. Even if he quit his job and moved here it would never work. And I would never move there, not after what he did. It’s just too difficult to keep us together. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun, not an ordeal.”
“Now that’s totally wrong,” Skye said. “Cayson and I are playful together and we’re never happier than when we are together. But it’s not all fun and games. Relationships take hard work to make them work. It’s not always a walk in the park. You have to fight to keep your relationship alive. So if you think a relationship is going to be simple, you’re wrong.”
“Even so, they aren’t as difficult as this.”
“I’ve known Ward for a while now, and I can honestly say he’s one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. He’s compassionate, trusting, and deeply loyal. Clementine, you aren’t going to find another guy like him. They just don’t make them like that anymore.”
“I know how charming he is…”
“It’s not just about his looks or his charm. It’s about whom he is inside. He’s a beautiful person, and he loves you. Don’t let him go.”
I looked away and pressed my lips tightly together.
“Okay, don’t tell Cayson I said this.” She gave me a firm look.
“Okay.”
“If we hadn’t gotten back together, I would have gone for Ward. He’s not my soul mate like Cayson is, but if I had to move on with someone it would have been him. He’s a catch, Clementine. You have no idea how many women wish they were you. He offered to quit his job and move away from his family just to be with you. If you think there’s any possibility that Ward is in love with me, then you’re bat-shit crazy.”
Skye would never understand the full capacity of the difficulties we faced. “Skye, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I just don’t have the heart to try anymore. We’ve been trying for a long time and it hasn’t gone anywhere. The road is full of pot holes and we’re going to get a flat tire at some point.”
“Then fix it and keep going.”
“It’s not so simple. He’ll resent me forever if he moves here for me.”
“Ward would never do that,” she said without hesitation. “I think you need to open your eyes and really think about who Ward is. For sleeping with him for six months, I would think you would have a better understanding of the man he is.”
“I know you really want this to work, Skye. But it’s just not going to. Cayson hates him anyway.”
She rolled her eyes. “Who cares what he thinks. He hates any man that even glances my way. He’s an idiot. His opinion is irrelevant.”
“Well, he is an idiot,” I said with a smirk.
“Then who gives a damn if he likes Ward. You love him so be with him. I’ll take care of Cayson.”
I shook my head slightly.
“Clementine, you do realize that Ward will move on eventually, right? And in case you haven’t noticed he has absolutely no problem getting laid. Do you really want to stand by and let him move on with someone else? Because that’s what is going to happen.”
“Of course I don’t want him to be with someone else.”
“Then be with him,” she said firmly.
“Skye, it can’t work. I don’t know how many times I can say that.”
She sighed in defeat. “I hope you change your mind.” She stood up from the couch and headed toward the door. “Because Ward is miserable without you. There’s no reason two people who love each other should suffer like this.”
Chapter Eight
Slade
Trinity and I went out with drinks with Skye and Cayson. For once, we were just hanging out to hang out, not talk about the wedding. But of course, that was the main topic of discussion.
“I can’t wait to get your dress,” Skye said. “It’s going to be such a beautiful gown.”
“I know,” Trinity said with a sigh, making it clear she was imaging herself in a big, poufy dress.
It didn’t make any sense to me. Cayson and I didn’t discuss what I’m wearing. I looked at Cayson. “I can’t wait to see what you’re wearing at the wedding. You know, a suit and tie.”
Cayson played along. “I know. I’m going to look so good in it.” He released a sigh just like Trinity had. “And your shoes are going to be incredible.”
“And my hair,” I said. “It’s going to be, like, you know, styled just like right now.”
Trinity nudged me in the side but there was a smile on her lips. “Oh, shut up.”
I kept talking like a girl. “And then, like, I’m totally going to wear that tie that brings out the color of my eyes.”
Cayson laughed then drank his beer.
“Stop making fun of me!” She nudged me again. “This is my wedding day. I’m excited, okay?”
“I’m sorry.” I forced myself to stop laughing. “I guess I just don’t understand all your excitement.”
“You will when the day arrives,” Trinity said dismissively.
“So, where are you getting your dress?” Skye asked.
“Milan,” Trinity answered.
“You’re getting your dress in China?” I demanded.
Cayson gave me a concerned look. “Didn’t you get your degree in art history?”
“Don’t change the subject,” I said quickly. “Why China?” I asked Trinity.
Skye gave Trinity a serious look. “You sure you want to marry this guy?”
“Because I don’t understand why she wants a dress from China?” I asked.
“Milan is in Italy, Slade.” Trinity’s voice was quiet, like she was trying to be patient with me when I figured out something I clearly should already know.
“Okay, why there?”
“Milan is the fashion capital of the world.” Trinity said this like it was the most common household fact. “Duh.”
“But that seems like a lot of work just for a dress,” I said. “Why can’t you just go to Wal-Mart or something?”
“Oh god.” Skye grabbed Trinity’s hand.
Trinity cringed. “Let it go…let it go.”
I turned to Cayson for guidance.
He shrugged helplessly.
“What did I say…?” I asked.
Trinity caught her breath then pulled her hand away from Skye’s. “Slade, I get that you don’t understand the importance of a wedding or why the flowers and centerpieces matter. I even understand that you don’t care what you’re wearing. But the dress is the most important thing. I want you to see me wear it and think I’m the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.”
“I’ll think that anyway,” I said seriously. “I think it every day. Shit, I’m thinking it right now.”
Her eyes softened when she looked at me.
“Awe,” Skye said quietly.
“That’s why I’m marrying him,” Trinity explained like Skye and Cayson were both thinking it. “He’s as oblivious as an ox, but damn, he can be sweet.”
I glowed with pride, glad I did something right.
&nb
sp; “When are you going?” Skye asked.
“Maybe next week,” Trinity said. “Can you come?”
“I’ll ask Dad,” she said. “I’m sure he’ll let me go because of the occasion.”
“Whoa, hold on.” I held up my hand. “Are you actually going to Italy?”
“What did you think I was going to do?” Trinity demanded.
“Well, I can’t get time off work right now,” I said. “Give me an extra week.”
“Who said you were coming?” Skye asked.
“I am.” I turned to Trinity. “Right?”
“No,” Trinity said. “You can’t see the dress.”
“I’m not going to let you run around in Italy all alone.” I gave her an incredulous look.
“I won’t be alone,” she said. “Skye will be there.”
“Like that’s much better,” I snapped. “Two tiny women running around like a bunch of obvious tourists. That has disaster written all over it.” I turned to Cayson. “You’re going, right?”
“I can’t,” he said. “I have work.”
“Then you aren’t going at all,” I said.
Trinity’s eyes widened, and she looked like she might smack me upside the head with a beer bottle and cave my skull in. “You don’t tell me what to do.”
“Uh, we’re getting married aren’t we?” I said sarcastically. “By definition, I do tell you what to do.”
“Not so sweet anymore,” Skye said quietly.
“No, that’s not what a marriage is,” Trinity argued.
“Last time I checked, it is. I’m your husband so I look after you. If I say you can’t go abroad alone, you don’t.”
“Well, we aren’t marriage yet,” she said.
“Same difference,” I argued. “Either wait until I can go or—”
“You can’t see the dress!” Trinity shrieked.
“I’ll stand outside the shop, alright?” I demanded.