by SJ McCoy
He thought about that. It sounded like a good idea, but how did you do that? It was like saying you could unknow something that you’d discovered. He raised an eyebrow at her.
“I know it’s crazy, but I don’t think we’re ready to face it yet.”
That much he could agree with. “Okay.” He went to her and put his arms around her. “Let’s forget about it for now. We’ve got enough else to deal with this weekend.”
She gave a short laugh. “You can say that again.”
He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “We’ll get through it.”
“Thanks, Nate.” She lifted her chin to look up into his eyes and planted a kiss on his lips.
Looking down at her like that, he knew, and he wanted to tell her right then and there—he did love her, but she was right, this wasn’t the time or the place. He smiled and hugged her closer. “I don’t love you, Lily. Not yet.”
Her eyes shone as she smiled with him. “That’s okay. I don’t love you either.”
~ ~ ~
When they went back down, Rose met them at the bottom of the stairs with an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry that got awkward.” She looked at Nate. “Andrew really didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that. He told me what happened. He was just looking out for Lily.”
Nate nodded. “I can see that.”
Lily bit her tongue. She wasn’t so sure that Andrew had her best interests at heart; as far as she was concerned, he was more likely looking out for his own interests—he was good at that.
“Anyway. I told Mommy and Daddy that we’re all going out this evening. You know how excruciating it’d be to all have to sit around the dinner table.” She smiled at Nate again. “I wouldn’t want to subject you to the inquisition and possibly an audit.”
Lily had to laugh. She’d been dreading that herself. “Where are we going?”
“I’ve arranged to meet up with a few friends at Moonshadows.”
Nate seemed to stiffen at that. Lily looked at him. “Is that okay with you?”
“Sure.” He didn’t look as though it was, but Lily didn’t get time to ask him why not.
“Great, we’ll meet you out front in five.”
As they watched her totter back out to the terrace, Nate said, “I’ll go get the truck.”
Lily gave him an apologetic smile. “She’s probably arranged for the driver to take us, so we can all have a drink.” This was hard for her. She was embarrassed by the way her family lived, but she also felt defensive about it. She didn’t want to live the way they did, but she didn’t feel as though she should apologize for it either. Everyone should be able to live as they saw fit as far as she was concerned.
Nate smiled. “And normally I would think that’s a great idea, Lil, but tonight I’d like for us to be able to make an exit whenever we want. We can go walk the beach if the Malibu crowd gets to be a bit much. Unless you’re looking forward to being stuck with them for as long as Rose and Andrew want to be?”
She laughed. “Ah, good point. Let’s make our own way.”
It felt odd to Lily to pull up outside the tiki-themed bar in Nate’s old truck. She’d been here so many times, most of them with the driver, or in Martin’s Jaguar. Nate didn’t look too comfortable. “Are you okay with this? We can skip it completely, if you prefer.”
“No, it’ll be fine, but don’t be surprised when I want out.”
“I won’t, and I’ll be glad of it.”
He came around to take her hand, and they walked to the entrance. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine.”
A horrible thought struck Lily, and she had to ask. “Have you been here before?”
He nodded and didn’t meet her gaze. “A few times.”
“Oh. So, do I need to be on the lookout for women hoping for another ride?”
He gave her a pained look.
“I’ll take that as a yes, then?”
“I doubt it. I’m just worried I might see someone I know. I don’t want anyone coming over while we’re with your sister and her friends.”
Lily didn’t either. That would be awful. She sighed. “Then perhaps this is a bad idea.”
“No, let’s at least have a drink with them, then we can make our excuses and leave.”
“Okay.” Lily felt as though her bubble had burst. She’d spent the last hour trying to wrap her head around the fact that Nate had said he thought he loved her—and she’d admitted that she loved him, even if they weren’t going to talk about it anymore yet. Now she was facing a very real reminder of the kind of man he was, or at least had been. She was scared to go out with her sister and their friends in case they might run into one of the many women Nate had slept with. She sighed and walked through the door. “Let’s get this over with.”
Andrew waved and beckoned them over to join a large group who were all sitting looking out at the ocean. Lily smiled and nodded to several old friends—at least people she’d known and hung out with while she lived here—some of whom were friends with Martin.
Andrew tapped his spoon against his glass. “Everyone, I’m sure you remember Lily.” Lily made a face at Rose. Andrew could be an asshole; she’d known some of these people longer than he had. “And I’d like to introduce you to her boyfriend, Nate.” Why did he have to say it like it was a miracle that she should have one?
Nate was a trooper. He smiled and shook hands as she introduced him around. She couldn’t help feeling tense as he shook hands with Elise. She was Nate’s kind from head to toe—large plastic boobs included. The way she smiled at him made Lily shiver. She looked as though she’d like to eat him up. Nate pulled his hand back and came to put an arm around Lily and guide her to a seat at the end of the table, as far away from Elise as they could get.
“How long do we have to stay?” he asked in a low voice.
“We can leave now, if you like?”
“I’d love to, but we should at least show willing, don’t you think?”
Lily nodded reluctantly.
“Hey, Lil! It’s so good to see you.” Lily knew that wasn’t true. Evan was a friend of Martin’s and he’d never liked her much. “Did you hear that Martin got engaged?”
That took her by surprise. “No, that’s wonderful news.”
Evan gave her a sly smile. “Isn’t it? He and Gemma make such a great couple.”
Lily’s smile froze on her face. Gemma had been her roommate in college. She’d had a feeling for a while that there was something going on between her and Martin. She’d even confronted them about it, but they’d both reassured her that it was just her imagination. Her mind raced. Had they seen each other behind her back? The slimy grin on Evan’s face made her think that they had. “They do,” she said with a forced smile. “They’re made for each other.” They’re both liars and cheats. She was grateful she managed not to say that last part out loud.
“Martin was the guy you were engaged to?” asked Nate.
She nodded.
“I see.”
“No, you don’t see.” She knew he was thinking she was upset at the news that he was now engaged to someone else.
“It’s okay. You’re bound to be a little upset.”
“I’m not upset, Nate.” Dammit. She’d raised her voice, and now everyone was looking at her. She smiled around at them, trying to make a joke of it. “I’m really not upset, can’t you tell?”
Rose tried to help her out as always by turning the attention back on herself. “Lily’s just fine, everyone, don’t worry. I’m the one who’s upset. I’m upset that the caterers called today to say there’s no way they can have my ice sculpture ready for tomorrow.” She pouted prettily.
Lily had to smile. She knew Rose didn’t care about that kind of thing any more than she did herself. It was enough to win her some sympathy, though, and to move the conversation on and away from Lily’s awkward moment with Nate. “Sorry,” she said in a low voice.
“That’s fine, can we leave now?” Nate�
��s demeanor had changed completely. He was stone-faced and stiff.
“I thought you wanted to stay for one drink?”
“I don’t anymore.” He was already getting up from his seat.
Lily stood to join him. This couldn’t get any more awkward than it already was, so she may as well get it over with. She went around the table and kissed first Andrew then her sister on the cheek. “We did say we couldn’t stay long. We’ll see you in the morning.” She waved brightly at the others then headed for the exit, hoping that Nate would follow. She looked back when she reached the door and saw him saying his goodbyes. As he made his way through the tables to join her, a tall blonde woman stepped out and touched his arm. She smiled and leaned in to kiss him. At least he dodged, so it only landed on his cheek, but that just left the woman looking more surprised than Lily felt. She sighed. So, that had been his problem. One of his many women was here. She went outside to wait by the truck, though she would have much rather called a cab—one that would take her all the way back to Summer Lake.
Nate joined her a few moments later. “Sorry about that.”
She shrugged. “It can’t be helped, can it?”
He gave her a worried look. “Are you mad at me?”
“How can I be? It’s hardly your fault.” Even though she knew that, she was mad at him, or at least mad at the situation. She was mad at the fact that if she did get involved with Nate, it would always be like this, and she was mad at herself for having the nasty feeling that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. It wasn’t fair of her, but it was how she felt. Didn’t every woman want a man that was hers, rather than one who was going to get propositioned at every turn?
Nate came around and opened the door for her. “Come on. Let’s go down and walk the beach.”
Part of her wanted to say no, part of her wanted to get away from him and away from the feelings she had for him—that would be the easiest thing to do—but it wouldn’t be fair. She climbed in and sat there in silence.
Chapter Eleven
When he found a spot to park, Nate went around and took Lily’s hand as she got out of the truck. None of this was going as well as he’d hoped. He’d been worried about her parents, but so far, they’d been the easiest thing to deal with.
They walked down the beach in silence. Nate didn’t know what to say. He wanted to ask her why she’d been so upset about her ex getting engaged to someone else, but he figured he had no right to know. He wanted to say something that would make her feel better—hell, something that would make him feel better, too, about running into that girl back there. He’d be damned if he could remember her name, even if he could remember way too much about the night he’d spent with her a few months ago. He sighed. Maybe he was kidding himself that he and Lily could have something together. How could they, if neither of their pasts was ready to let them go?
Lily looked up at him. “This sucks, doesn’t it?”
He nodded sadly. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“So, what do you want to do?”
She shrugged. “What I’d like to do is go home. Unfortunately, I don’t see how I can. You can, though. I can tell my parents that something urgent came up at work and you had to go. They’d understand that. Work comes first, it takes priority over everything else.”
Nate put an arm around her shoulders. “I don’t work like that, Lil. Work doesn’t come first for me. And besides, I wouldn’t just run out on you.”
She smiled. “You probably should.”
Nate’s blood ran cold. Was she thinking of calling this off? “Why?”
“Where can it go, Nate?”
“Anywhere we want it to.”
“Can it, though? I mean, I’d like it to go somewhere good, but to me, somewhere good is somewhere permanent and somewhere exclusive.”
“We are exclusive. That was the whole point of me asking you to be my girlfriend. I meant I don’t want anyone else anymore. I just want you.”
“Yeah, but I’m not the only one who wants you, am I?”
“That’s not my fault. That girl back there …”
She gave him a sad smile. “You don’t even remember her name, do you?”
He shook his head. He couldn’t deny it. “But doesn’t that tell you how much she meant to me?” He wanted her to understand that all those women, they were just for fun. She meant more than that to him. It backfired on him.
“Exactly. That’s how important this kind of thing is to you. It doesn’t mean anything. To me, it means everything. Or at least I want it to, but I don’t dare even want that with you because I know I’m only going to end up getting hurt.”
“I’d never hurt you, Lil.”
“I know you wouldn’t try to, but I don’t know, Nate. I’m not sure we should do this.”
“Well, I am.” He wanted to prove to her that he could change, that he wanted to change—hell, that he had changed since he’d met her. Well, at least since they’d decided that they wanted to be together. “You can’t get rid of me this easily, Lil. You have to give me a chance.”
“I have to? Why?”
He smiled. “I already told you why. I love you.” He could tell she was trying not to, but she was smiling. “And you love me.”
“Not yet, I don’t.”
“Maybe not, but you will.”
He slid his hands into her hair and made her look up into his eyes. “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.”
“You’ve got that one right.”
“So, hang in there with me. After we’ve been together for a while, there won’t be any other women I’ve known who can crawl out of the woodwork.”
She laughed. “You make them sound so attractive.”
“I know, and that’s not fair of me. I don’t mean to be horrible about them, they’re just people playing the game like I was. I was no better than they are, but I want to be. I want to be better than that. I want to be with you.”
She nodded as she thought it over.
He decided to risk saying what was bothering him. “And after we’ve been together for a while, maybe you won’t be so upset about your ex anymore either. I know it’s hard for you with all my exes, but it’s not easy for me to see you get upset about yours either, you know.” He waited, wondering what she’d have to say about that. Part of him was dreading that she might say she wasn’t over him.
She sighed. “It did bother me, but not for the reason you think.”
“Why then?”
“I’m not upset that he’s engaged. I’m upset about who he’s engaged to.”
“Who?”
“My old roommate. I had my suspicions, but they both convinced me I was nuts. That I was paranoid and imagining things that weren’t there.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. I ended up feeling pretty stupid and apologizing to them both. There’s no saying that there was anything going on between them at the time, but this just makes me wonder. It makes me question my trust.”
“Which really doesn’t help you too much when it comes to me, does it?”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t. Your mind can play all kinds of horrible tricks on you when you start having trust issues.”
“I can see that, but how do you get past it?” He was worried now, not about her ex anymore, but about how she could learn to trust him when his track record didn’t give her much reason to do so.
She smiled. “I have some good advice on that. I dish it out to the kids all the time when it comes to riding. Now I just need to learn to follow it myself.”
“What?”
“When the kids are riding, and they fall off, they’re scared to get back on again. They learn to be afraid of getting hurt.” She shrugged. “Just like most people do when they get hurt in a relationship.”
“And what advice do you give them?”
“I tell the truth. They have two choices. If they’re really that scared, then they don’t need to ride any
more.”
Nate’s heart sank; that wasn’t what he’d been hoping to hear.
Lily smiled. “If they want to keep going, they have to put the fall behind them. They have to forget about it and ride like they’ve never fallen.”
Nate smiled back. He liked the sound of that better.
“It’s not easy.”
“But it’s worth it.” Nate grinned. He wanted to see her smile for real again. He wanted to get her laughing and enjoying herself again. He dropped down on all fours in the sand and patted his back. “Climb aboard Lily-Bean.”
She laughed. “What? What the hell are you playing at?”
“Just climb on. I’m going to take you for a ride.”
She hopped onto his back, and he set off down the beach at the best trot he could manage, grateful that she was so small and lightweight. She laughed as she bounced along on his back and gripped onto his shirt for balance. When he was almost out of breath, he reared up and waved his arms in the air making a loud neighing sound and making her laugh even harder. She slid down and landed in the sand with a thud, still laughing.
“You threw me!”
He turned around, and head butted her shoulder making a nickering sound as he did. “But you don’t hate me, do you?”
She shook her head. “Not at all.”
“And you’re going to get back on and ride again?” He held her gaze, hoping she understood what he meant.
She did. She smiled and ran her hand through his hair as she nodded.
“Like you’ve never fallen?”
“I’ll try.”
“Good.” He stood up and pulled her to her feet to join him. Then he took her hand and started running. She surprised him as she sprinted past him with a grin.
“Where are we going?”
“To the water.”
Once they reached the surf, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. She clung to him and kissed him back as though her life depended on it. He wanted to stay here like this forever. In this moment, nothing else mattered. The water lapped around his feet. The wind blew his hair. Lily’s warm, soft body pushed up against him; her lips pressed against his as their tongues dueled. This moment was perfect; she was perfect. He didn’t want the rest of the world to edge its way back in and spoil it. As if to prove that the world would always do that, a bigger wave crashed around their legs and nearly knocked them over. They broke the kiss and Lily clung to him. “It’s okay, Lil. I’ve got you.”