Words We Don't Say
Page 7
“…Ethiopia, Gambia, Ghana, Guinea, Kenya…”
Then Mr. Morgan turned and started scrawling them on the blackboard as she spoke.
“…Liberia
Libya
Malawi
Mauritania
Mauritius
Morocco
Namibia
Nigeria
Senegal
Sierra Leone
Somalia
South Sudan
Sudan
Swaziland
Tanzania
Togo
Tunisia
Uganda
Zambia
Zimbabwe
Afghanistan
Bangladesh
Bhutan
Brunei
Daesh
India
Iran
Iraq
Kuwait
Lebanon
Malaysia
Maldives
Myanmar
Oman
Pakistan
Palestine/Gaza Strip
Qatar
Saudi Arabia
Singapore
Sri Lanka
Syria
Turkmenistan
United Arab Emirates
Uzbekistan
Yemen
Antigua & Barbuda
Barbados
Dominica
Grenada
Guyana
Jamaica
St. Kitts & Nevis
St. Lucia
St. Vincent & the Grenadines
Trinidad & Tobago
Cook Islands
Indonesia
Kirbati
Papua New Guinea
Samoa
Solomon Islands
Tonga
Tuvalu
Russia
Lithuania
Ukraine
Moldova
Belarus
Kyrgyzstan.”
It took Eli a long time to get through the list because there were eighty-two countries and Mr. Morgan had to tell her to slow down because he couldn’t write that fast and when she was finished everyone got quiet but then Benj raised his hand and when he got called on he said, “Eli, you made your point seventy-two countries ago.”
Then Alex B. Renner raised his hand and got called on and he said, “Daesh doesn’t count because it’s just another acronym for ISIS and really isn’t an actual country, so it’s really eighty-one countries,” and then Benj said, “If you say ‘Daesh’ then ISIS says they will cut out your tongue,” and then Andrew Kline said, “Well, that’s ironic because we’re talking about free speech,” and I was thinking that Mr. Morgan is really inconsistent with the whole Auto F thing and that I didn’t get to see Eli enough because we only saw each other in English and on the bus and in Driver’s Ed and in the hallway by our lockers and at lunch and after Gym sometimes unless it was Wednesday and then I got to see her at the soup kitchen. Everyone else was quiet on account of the gay book thing and the Auto F thing and nobody was texting or whispering or dropping pencils on the floor or riffling through backpacks unnecessarily or using apostrophes inappropriately or dangling modifiers either.
When Eli finished Mr. Morgan erased some of the countries ’cause there was no more room to write on the blackboard and he wrote this instead:
Winnie-the-Pooh was banned in schools in Kansas.
Then he turned around and said, “Does anyone know why?”
He pointed at Andrew Kline, who had his hand up again.
“Because Winnie-the-Pooh is gay?”
“No. Anyone else?”
Nobody raised a hand.
“Because some people think that it’s an insult to God if animals are…” And Mr. Morgan turned his back and the chalk was squeaking on the blackboard,
anthropomorphized
Then he turned back around and added, “…which means given human qualities or emotions. In this case, the book was banned in a part of the country we live in because the animals in Winnie-the-Pooh talk.”
Nobody said anything. It was as quiet as the time in seventh grade when Kenny Holmes asked the health teacher if our parents have sex and he said, “Yes, I suspect that they do. All the time, actually.”
Then Mr. Morgan said, “And Winnie-the-Pooh was also banned in Poland because…?”
Benj’s hand went up and Mr. Morgan called on him.
“Mr. Kutchner?”
“Because it’s an insult to God if animals talk?”
“No. Anyone else?”
No hands went up.
“Because in the book Pooh isn’t wearing pants—”
What the…?
“—and Pooh is not clearly identified as either male or female and some people in Poland perceived that to mean that Winnie-the-Pooh is…”
Mr. Morgan turned and the chalk was squeaking again…
intersex
“Which, for those of you who don’t know…”
Now, in a normal class there would have been all sorts of snickers and comments thrown out, but under the threat of an Auto F it was completely silent.
“…means having a condition that often includes ambiguous sexual organs and atypical sex characteristics.”
Okay, now there were a few snorts from the back of the room ’cause teachers usually didn’t say “sexual organs” but nobody actually said any real words and it would be hard to tell where the snickers came from because there were so many, so Mr. Morgan ignored them.
Then it got real quiet again because everyone was probably thinking about whether Winnie-the-Pooh was a boy or a girl and whether he or she should be wearing boxers or briefs or boxer briefs or pink panties with ribbons or if bears should wear underpants ever and about all the other books with naked bears and how we never thought about them as being naked and I was trying to remember if the Berenstain Bears were naked in those books or if they wore clothes because I couldn’t remember because I hadn’t seen those books or thought about Brother or Sister Bear in so long and then I started thinking that sometimes a bear with no pants is just because bears don’t wear pants especially real bears and teddy bears and people who read Winnie-the-Pooh aren’t ever thinking about sex or bear sex or underpants because they just aren’t.
And then Mr. Morgan called on Benj, who said, “There was a bear named Pedals in New Jersey that walked standing up like a man.”
Every single kid in the class probably wanted to ask him if Pedals wore underwear or if you could see his junk or if he talked like a human but some of us like me decided that could lead to an Auto F, so we didn’t.
I was pretty sure snarky remarks were on the Auto F list.
But Mr. Morgan just ignored the Pedals-the-bear comment completely and kept teaching. I noticed that teachers tended to do that when Benj blurted out weird stuff and non sequiturs. They tell you to do that with little kids or dogs. Just reward the good behavior and ignore the bad behavior and hope that it goes away. Jesus, Mary did that with Jace when he started saying curse words and she did it with Lacey, who has a bladder problem and basically pees on the floor all the time. My mom said you can extinguish the bad behavior by not giving it any attention.
I don’t think it worked very well ’cause Jacey still drops the f-bomb and Lacey is going to get the world record for number of times a dog’s peed inside the house. Jackson keeps saying, “We should fuckin’ wash Jacey’s mouth out with soap and should smack Lacey with a rolled-up newspaper,” but every time he says that, Jesus, Mary just smacks Jackson with a rolled-up newspaper and tells him that’s “not a Christian thing to do.”
Then Mr. Morgan said that Winnie-the-Pooh was also banned in a number of Muslim countries because some people perceived Piglet to be an insult to Allah.
I wanted to ask, “Is that because of the pork thing?” And I really wanted to know because I knew that Muslims didn’t eat pork but I couldn’t think of any other reason why Piglet would be insulting to Allah but I ReThought and didn’t dare ask in case that question was insu
lting to Muslims if we had any Muslims in the class, which I didn’t think we did but you never know. Plus it was possible that asking weird questions was on the Auto F list, which I hadn’t memorized due to its length, and that just because he let Benj and me and Eli off the hook once today for an Auto F violation it didn’t mean that we could get away with it again and what with the fact that Benj had a long history of asking weird questions he might be a special case anyway. I mean, there was no way to tell if Mr. Morgan would let me off the hook if I asked about Piglet and pork.
Mr. Morgan kept talking but I texted my mom even though if I got caught texting it was an Auto F.
I typed, Muslims don’t eat pork right?
She typed, ????????????
I typed, Do we have the Winnie-the-Pooh book at home?
She texted, Yes.
I typed, Can I read it to Jace tonight?
She typed, Of course. Y? U don’t like to read.
I wrote, Because maybe I do like to read.
She wrote, ???????
Then I typed, And animals should be able to talk and bears don’t wear pants and Piglet is cute and never insulted anyone’s God and because I can read gay books if I want to.
She texted, R U OK?
I texted, Yes, and put a smiley face and a pig emoji after it.
She texted, Is Winnie-the-Pooh gay???
I typed, It doesn’t matter if he’s gay or not.
There was a long wait and then she typed, Joel, are you trying to tell me that you are gay?
I typed, NO, I AM JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE BEAR THING.
She typed back, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
She used all caps sometimes even when she wasn’t even mad.
I did, too.
I typed, IK.
She typed, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOEL?
I thought about typing, Figuring shit out or learning about free speech and banned books or GROWING UP, but just typed, Nothing.
Then I snuck my phone back into the pouch in my sweatshirt and Mark Kleinman, future district attorney of Rockland County, said, “So, Mr. Morgan, based on everything you just told us I would say that you are a staunch believer in free speech.”
But Mr. Morgan was no fool and he knew where Kleinman was headed, so he said, “Yes, Mr. Kleinman, I am. Very much so. Just not in this classroom.”
And there was a snicker from the back of the room but Mr. Morgan didn’t lob the Auto F bomb for it. He just waved his hand and said, “Get out of here, all of you. Oh, and one more thing. Who knows what vacation is coming up at the end of May?”
Stevie Williams yelled out, “Huzzah! A day off from school!”
Kutchner said, “He should get an Auto F.”
Mr. Morgan said, “It’s Memorial Day. And the veterans we will be honoring gave their lives fighting for your right to read these books. They’ve been fighting to defend freedom and our First Amendment right to free speech—and the freedoms of others around the world, as well—since our country was born. Remember that next month as you eat hamburgers and rot your brains playing video games and as you read the first hundred pages of the next book on your reading list this weekend that would be outlawed in many countries. We’ll be discussing it on Monday.”
It got real quiet.
There were still six minutes left in class, but nobody left the room. Pretty much we just sat there thinking about stuff.
I was thinking about banned books and free speech and veterans.
And the soup kitchen.
And Rooster.
And Spindini.
And Eli.
And how hot she looked right now.
And how big the world was.
And how it sucked that I was still short.
And that the world is unfair.
But mostly I was thinking about what an idiot I was and how all of this tied together to make one big fucking colossal mess.
TEXT FROM JOEL TO PRINCIPAL REDMAN 1:12 a.m.
Mr. Morgan should get a raise. He is the only good teacher I have ever had. Except for Miss Ellison in first grade. She was nice too.
TEXT FROM JOEL TO ANDY 1:29 a.m.
If you were gay I would be cool with that.
I’m not saying that I think you’re gay, I’m just saying it would be okay if you were.
Not that it matters what I think, but still.
Either way, straight or gay.
Or not gay and not straight.
Pretty much anything is good.
for Rooster I brought him a towel and soap and a blanket and some other stuff and a book that used to be Andy’s favorite.
The whole point of the book was that basically life can be hard but it can be awesome, too, so hang in there.
I mean, I didn’t read it or anything. I only knew that because Andy told me.
I wrote Rooster a note on sticky paper and basically said I don’t know if you like to read but I figured you might. And don’t worry that it’s a kids’ book, it’s fun. Then I wrote something to the effect that I was thinking that maybe a fun book would help him forget about things. I stuck the note right onto the front cover and put the book next to a can of ravioli and three packages of pudding cups and six boxes of Girl Scout cookies and a blanket and then just left.
The next day, Jesus, Mary looked really annoyed when I got home from school and she said, “This is getting ridiculous, Joel. Everything is disappearing. Who ate all the Girl Scout cookies?”
I said, “Don’t look at me, I didn’t have any. Not even one. It was probably Jacey.”
I’m pretty sure she didn’t buy it.
Then I said, “I like to read now,” mainly to change the subject.
She smiled and said, “That’s really, really great, Joel! What are you interested in reading? I mean, what type of books?”
I said, “Pretty much the ones that are banned.”
Jesus, Mary looked at me real hard for a minute and then she said, “Interesting. So you’re a rebel reader.”
I said, “I guess that makes sense if you think about it,” and she laughed.
My mom just kept standing there looking at me without saying anything and it seemed like she was really happy. Or maybe just surprised.
Either that or she was just staring at me hoping I would crack and confess about the Girl Scout cookies and the socks and all the other stuff that was apparently just walking out of here on its own.
It was probably the cookie-and-sock thing, not the Joel-made-me-happy thing.
I mean, come on. It’s me. I pretty much don’t make anyone happy.
The next day after school I found three books from the library on my bed with a sticky note on the front listing all the places they were banned.
The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton.
The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger.
And Beloved by Toni Morrison.
I picked them up and looked at the covers. The first one seemed cool and I figured I might give it a shot and I had already read The Catcher in the Rye two years ago and I figured I could read it again, but the last one was pushing it.
I mean, come on. Right on the cover it said Winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature. I held it up when my mom walked by my room and said, “This is a bit of a reach, Mom. Baby steps, please.” And she pretty much laughed. Then she said, “Baby steps are good, Joel.”
TEXT FROM JOEL TO PRINCIPAL REDMAN 1:32 a.m.
Do they have a Nobel Prize for list making? ’Cause if they do Eli should get it. You know Eli Wells? The girl who tries to fix everyone and everything?
TEXT FROM JOEL TO PRINCIPAL REDMAN 1:43 a.m.
If we got Harleys either the Night Rod Specials or Low Riders it would save $679,000 and in case you’re thinking that the girls won’t like motorcycles I checked with Harley Davidson and they did a study and girls who ride motorcycles feel twice as happy and four times sexier after they get the bikes. So pretty much that sews it up. We should get Harleys.
TEXT FROM JOEL TO ANDY
1:56 a.m.
Pretty much we’re all getting Harleys.
Either Night Rod Specials or Low Riders.
TEXT FROM JOEL TO ANDY 1:58 a.m.
Girls on Harleys feel four times more sexy than when they were girls not on Harleys. I mean, come on, we have to get Harleys.
TEXT FROM JOEL TO ANDY 2:07 a.m.
I’m reading The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton.
You would like it. I mean, really.
that when you were in the armed forces and killed people for a living so you could keep other people alive and pave the road for democracy and freedom it was hard to take a real job when you were discharged.
He said that when you see little kids get shot or suicide bombers blow up crowds of people in a marketplace or have to hide for eight hours straight crouched against the wheel well of a Humvee with night goggles on and your gun pointed in one direction with orders to shoot if you see anything fucking move, it’s hard to decide if you want to be a plumber or a florist or maybe go back to school to learn to be a podiatrist when you come back home.
That pretty much explained why Spindini was a permanent fixture at the soup kitchen. He had said it was one of those “goddamned vicious cycles.”
At this point we were sitting with the Colonel and he told us that someone told him that the new guy with the two missing fingers who didn’t talk got a Purple Heart and was a real hero in Iraq even though you couldn’t tell that now, what with him not talking and that shopping cart full of shit, and me and Eli looked at each other because we were both shocked to hear that Rooster was a hero. I looked around and Rooster wasn’t here yet but I noticed Spindini was sitting by himself eating a piece of cake by the door and then the Colonel spotted him too and leaned in close and told us that Spindini was extra messed up because he shot one of his buddies in Afghanistan by mistake. The Colonel said that the army didn’t know about it, just Spindini and him and the dead guy and everyone else in his platoon and Spindini’s wife, who left him, and his priest and maybe God and now me and Eli.
The Colonel called it “friendly fire.”
I said, “It doesn’t sound friendly to me,” and I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. The Colonel said it just meant you shot someone you were friendly with or not even friendly with but who was just on the same side as you were on in the war and probably didn’t even know. And after the Colonel explained it, Eli just stood up and got Spindini a second piece of cake even though she wasn’t supposed to. She said she did it because it was the kind with chocolate frosting and sprinkles and he liked that the best.