Her gaze caressed that rugged face and her pulse began to hum. And that familiar ache came slinking back. She longed to touch him, to stroke that masculine jaw and see need flare in those dazzling blue eyes. To feel the power in those massive muscles and the rocketing thrills when he kissed her.
A gust of wind fluttered the map and snapped her back to reality. The forest fire. Their need to escape.
She sent an uneasy gaze to the south. She couldn’t see the fire yet. The forest was calm, the patch of sky above the pines still blue.
But it was coming. She could sense it pulsing, seething as it roiled its way over the mountain. Thundering through the tinder-dry pines, devouring everything in its path—including them, if they didn’t get out fast.
Her blood careened through her veins. Jittery now, she looked at Cade, and was startled by how calm he looked, how at ease in this dangerous world.
And for the first time, she realized she had a chance to see beyond the glamour to the reality of his job in a way she’d never had when they were married. To see who Cade really was.
And maybe, what she had lost.
He caught her gaze. “We’ll cut across here on this game trail.”
“That’s a trail?” Surprised, she glanced at the faintly trampled grass leading into the trees, and her respect for him rose. “You certainly have an eye for details.” She never would have noticed that path or survived out here on her own.
“It probably leads to a stream,” he said. “We’ll follow it as long as we can. But things could get rough after that.”
“I can handle it.” She folded the map and stuck it in the pocket of his PG bag.
He didn’t answer, and she lifted her gaze to his. She saw the concern in his eyes, the worry. Not for his own safety, but for hers. He wanted to protect her, just as he always had.
Determined to do her part, she raised her chin. “I can keep up.”
“Yeah.” His voice gentled. “Just let me know if I’m going too fast or if you need to rest.”
“I’ll be fine.” She’d make sure of it. She refused to slow them down, especially with their lives at stake. And she’d prove that he could depend on her, at least this time.
He dipped his head in agreement, then turned and hiked through the weeds. Intent on keeping up, she ignored her pulsating ankle. She focused instead on the power in his back, the impressive width of his shoulders, the confidence in his lengthy stride.
And couldn’t help but marvel. God, he was strong. And not just physically. She couldn’t imagine dealing with this terrible tension, this unbearable stress every day. Facing constant danger, taking risks, making decisions that could cost him his life.
“So, how did you decide to become a smokejumper?” she asked.
The game trail widened, enabling them to walk abreast, and he slowed for her to catch up. “I traveled around for awhile after high school. I worked in construction, did some logging, went up to Alaska and hired on with a fishing boat. But I didn’t find anything that appealed to me long-term.
“Then, one summer, I joined up with a hotshot crew. I liked the work, the challenge of fighting wildfires. How every day was different.
“But it still didn’t suit me. I needed more independence. Fewer rules. That’s when I applied to smokejump.”
She dodged a low-hanging branch. “You’re saying smokejumpers don’t have rules?”
“No, we’ve got plenty of rules. We don’t fool around with our lives. But it’s different. We’re more like a group of individuals working together. We’re all committed to the same thing, catching fire, and we can depend on our bros for our lives. But everyone thinks for himself. There isn’t that obedience or regimentation.”
She could see why that attracted him. Cade wouldn’t obey anyone he didn’t want to. He was far too independent.
And, to be honest, it was precisely that trait that had attracted her to him, his natural ability to lead.
And she’d followed him heart and soul. She’d leaned on him, depended on him, probably too much.
Uneasy with that thought, she frowned, but she had to admit it was true. He’d overwhelmed her back then. Not intentionally, but he’d been far too easy to cling to. And that hadn’t been fair to him.
“The whole idea of smokejumping appealed to me,” he continued. “Not only the work, but that so few people could make it. For the first time, I had a goal, something to work for. I’d never wanted anything that bad in my life. To be the best. One of the elite.”
To belong.
She understood that now. He didn’t jump for the adrenaline rush as she’d once thought. Sure, he enjoyed that part; he was an intensely physical man. But he’d had a far deeper need, beyond the search for freedom. The need to prove his worth, to find acceptance.
And he had that now—esteem, admiration, the respect of his peers.
She eyed his steady stride and acknowledged the truth. Cade was an exceptional man.
And she’d tossed him aside. A sharp slash of regret tightened her chest.
“Hundreds apply every year,” he added. “But only a few make it into the program. And some of those wash out of rookie training. Even former marines think it’s tough.”
Unsettled, she dragged her mind back to the conversation. “And even once you’re in, you can’t slack off.” She’d learned that much at the cabin. “I remember how you worked out all winter to keep in shape.”
His gaze met hers, and she knew he remembered that, too. “Yeah, we have to requalify every spring.”
The path narrowed again, and she dropped back, ending the conversation. Grateful for the privacy, she gave in to her rising pain and let herself limp. Despite her assurances to Cade, throbbing heat bludgeoned her knee now, and she could barely put weight on her ankle. She longed to lie down and rest.
But if Cade could endure this trek with his injuries, she wouldn’t let a few bruises slow her. Not when the stakes were this high.
The path wound through the trees as they trudged along, then dipped into a valley sheltered between the two mountains. The gentle murmur of pine boughs ceased, leaving an oppressive heat in its wake. The buzz of cicadas droned in the air.
But gradually, the stillness gave way to the rush of water, and the welcome scent of moisture. A few yards later, the trail ended at a shallow stream.
Cade crossed it in a few easy strides, then waited for her to catch up. She paused to let the dog lap the water and then gently tugged him across. Knowing Cade was watching, she struggled to hide her limp.
“How’s your ankle?”
She grimaced. The man was far too observant. “Just bruised.”
He raised a skeptical brow. “We’d better wrap it. I’ve got an elastic bandage in my bag.”
“It’s not that bad.” And they couldn’t afford to waste time.
“It’ll get worse. Sit down on the grass and take off your shoe.”
Annoyed, she propped her hands on her hips. He ignored his own more serious injuries, yet insisted on pampering hers. “It’s really not that bad, Cade. I’d rather keep moving.”
“Not until we deal with that ankle.” His stubborn gaze drove into hers. “Look, I’ve had my share of twisted ankles. Smokejumpers land hard all the time. And the sooner we get that thing wrapped, the better chance we have of making that clearing.”
“Fine.” Frustrated, she plopped herself down in the grass. Phil would have listened to her. He would have kept on walking. But she couldn’t push Cade around.
She tucked the leash under her hip to hold it in place and started unlacing her damp shoe. Was that why she’d dated Phil? Because she could control him?
She mulled that over as she worked the laces. Phil certainly wasn’t weak, but he didn’t challenge her, either. Unlike Cade. When Cade decided something, he didn’t budge.
She pulled off her shoe, wincing at the blisters covering her heels. Then she pulled up her pant leg and cringed. Her ankle had turned purple and swollen. And autocratic or no
t, Cade was right.
She sighed. “I guess I do need to wrap this.”
He dropped the bags on the ground beside her, and lowered himself to one knee. “The elastic bandage should help.” He pulled it from his bag and held it out. “Here, take off the clip.”
While she pulled the small metal clip from the roll, he carefully lifted her foot. His warm, rough hand sent chills along her nerves. But then his thumb slid over her ankle and she flinched. “That hurts?”
“A little,” she admitted, although she liked the feel of his hand on her skin.
He slowly rotated the discolored joint, and pain jolted up her leg. She sucked in her breath.
He didn’t release his hold. “You need to get this X-rayed.”
“I will. As soon as we get to Missoula.”
His gaze met hers, and she saw determination in those vibrant blue eyes. “We’ll make it out of here,” he promised.
“I know.”
He held her gaze, as if to convince her, and the years suddenly peeled away. And for a moment, she was back in the time when he’d been the center of her world and dreams. When he’d been her fantasy man come to life. Back in the time when he’d loved her. Her heart fluttered deep in her chest.
But then he broke the gaze and gently propped her foot on his knee. “You’ll have to help hold the bandage.”
Shaken by the strong wave of longing, she hissed in a breath. “Okay, but don’t put too much around my foot or I won’t be able to get my shoe back on.” She handed him the balled elastic.
He unrolled the end and draped it over her instep. “You’ll have to hold this down.”
Leaning forward, she pressed the elasticized cloth to her foot. Using his left hand, Cade carefully wrapped her ankle, passing her the roll to complete each rotation.
They worked together easily, a comfortable silence between them, the dog panting softly at their side. Behind them, the gurgling stream splashed past.
And without warning, she recalled another time they’d worked together, that Christmas when they’d decorated the tiny blue spruce. They’d passed the tinsel back and forth around the fragrant tree just like this, sharing promising smiles and molten glances. Until that inevitable passion flared and they’d started to kiss….
The dog nudged her arm, and she cleared her throat. “So, besides sprained ankles, what kind of injuries do smokejumpers get?”
He paused for a second, as if recalling old wounds, and then he slowly resumed wrapping. “Just what you’d expect,” he said, his tone cautious now. “Bruises and cuts. Pulled muscles. Burns. Some long-term injuries. Knees take a lot of abuse, and the meniscus eventually tears. But usually nothing too grim.”
Usually. She eyed the towel knotted over his shoulder and her nerves drummed. “But you can get hurt pretty bad?”
“Not often, but yeah. Guys get knocked unconscious and cut by chain saws, hit by rocks or worse.” He stopped, and his gaze met hers. “Look, Jordan. You were right. This is a dangerous job. Parachutes malfunction. Fires blow up. And when something goes wrong, people can die.”
Riveted by his gaze, she swallowed hard. “You never admitted that before.” Any time she’d brought it up, he’d brushed aside her concerns.
“I guess when you’re young, you feel invincible. You never think it will happen to you.” He frowned. “Besides, I was your husband. I didn’t want you worrying about my job.”
So he’d tried to protect her. That made sense. Only she hadn’t seen it that way.
She hadn’t seen beyond her own fears to his courage, the fierce commitment to get the job done. To persevere and put out the fire, despite the personal risk.
Or to his need to shelter the woman he’d loved.
And suddenly, trapped in those piercing blue eyes, she felt a deep sense of loss. Cade was the most amazing man she’d ever met, and everything she’d ever wanted. But he wasn’t hers anymore—and never could be with his lifestyle.
And yet, she’d loved him.
She still did.
Her heart stalled. It was true. She loved Cade. Despite the years, despite the divorce, her heart still belonged to this man. He drew her in and touched her in a way no one else ever could.
She saw awareness flash in his eyes and her pulse thrilled in response. So he felt it, too. That pull, that wild attraction, that insatiable, soul-wrenching need.
But what did that change? What did it matter? She jerked her gaze away.
And nearly wept at the awful irony. All these years, she’d wanted security. And when she’d finally found a steady man, one who would never leave her, she’d realized she couldn’t marry without love.
And the one man she was destined to love, the one who touched her soul and stirred her heart, could never stay at her side.
He made a final wrap on the bandage, and propped her foot on his knee again. “Go ahead and secure it,” he said.
Her throat cramping, a huge sense of loss weighting her chest, she worked the small metal clip through the elastic until it caught. “That’s great. Thanks.”
She managed to curve her lips up into a smile and shift away. Then, feeling shredded inside, she picked up her shoe, loosened the laces and worked it onto her foot.
While she tied her shoe, Cade collected their bags and refilled the canteens. Then she grabbed the leash and stood, allowing her weight to shift to her foot. The bandage felt tight, but it braced her ankle. She just hoped it would get her to that clearing.
“How does it feel?” Cade asked.
“Great.”
“Jordan….”
“I’m fine. Really.” Except she loved a man she couldn’t marry. Ignoring the despair filling her chest, she forced her gaze to his. “Shall we go?”
“Yeah.” His brows furrowed, and he looked troubled, as if he wanted to say more. But then he turned away. She waited until he started walking before she slowly fell in behind him.
A deep sense of futility filled her, but she shook the sensation off. She couldn’t dwell on what she’d lost, not now. And she couldn’t think about the future, or what could never be. She’d just concentrate on the present, getting herself up that next mountain.
No matter how much she ached for this man.
As Cade had predicted, the game trail had stopped at the creek. She let him take the lead, content to plod behind him as he blazed a path through the brush. She skirted huckleberry bushes laden with berries, detoured around alder and fir trees and crawled over decaying logs. Maneuvering through the rough terrain took concentration, giving her a welcome excuse to stay silent. The last thing she wanted to do was discuss her heartbreak with Cade.
But as the yards passed the slope grew even steeper, and her pace dramatically slowed. Her lungs burned, her breathing grew harsh and her chest felt stuffed with cotton. And despite the bandage, her ankle screamed with every step.
“Are you okay?” Cade called back.
“I’m fine,” she wheezed out. A sharp branch scratched her face, and she batted it back.
So this was how Cade spent his summers, she marveled. Hiking through the untamed forest, going without showers for days. She wondered how he could stand it. She’d never survive a packout, especially with a hundred pounds of tools on her
back.
Smokejumpers were a special breed, all right. She couldn’t imagine competing for this job.
Exhausted now, she glanced at the dog. He trotted happily beside her, sending a slither of warmth to her heart. He looked silly with Cade’s sock knotted on his collar, and despite crossing the river, he still desperately needed a bath. But at least he wasn’t wandering through the forest alone anymore.
A few yards later, Cade stopped. Desperate for the break, she stumbled to a halt beside him.
“You thirsty?” he asked.
She sawed air through her burning lungs and nodded. He turned to give her access to his PG bag, and she gratefully grabbed the canteen. She drank deeply, greedily, relishing the moisture on her raw throat. She
paused, wiped the sweat from her forehead with her sleeve and guzzled down more.
With her thirst partially quenched, she handed him the canteen. He took several long gulps and gave it back. She drank again, then recapped it and slipped it into his bag, ready to go.
But he didn’t move. Still panting, she looked up.
“Why didn’t you sell the cabin before now?” he asked.
Her breath stopped, and all at once she felt dizzy, as if she hadn’t the strength to stand up. It was a good question, one she’d refused to answer for years. And one she’d prayed he wouldn’t ask.
But she’d dodged the truth long enough. She inhaled sharply to gather her courage, then locked her gaze on his. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I guess I didn’t want to think about it at first, the cabin, the divorce.” The baby. “I hadn’t expected you to give it to me, you know. So I didn’t really know what to do.”
“Your lawyer demanded the cabin in the settlement.”
“I…I didn’t know. I should have. I’m sorry.” She swallowed hard. “I know that’s not an excuse. I was young and silly. A coward,” she admitted. She’d been so intent on avoiding Cade that she hadn’t even questioned the terms. “I just wanted to forget.
“But it didn’t work,” she whispered. “I couldn’t forget. Not the marriage, and certainly not you.”
She searched his eyes, hoping he’d understand, but his expression remained blank.
She sighed. “Later on, I thought about selling, but I still couldn’t make myself do it.” She couldn’t sever that last tie to Cade. “And I think…I knew that I had to come back here to face the past. To think about what had happened. But I didn’t have the courage until now.”
His hard jaw tightened beneath the bristles, and the muscles in his taut cheeks tensed. Then something like regret flashed in his eyes, along with the deep pain she’d caused.
Her heart made a slow, guilty roll through her chest. She’d never meant to hurt Cade. Never. She’d just been so racked with grief herself that she hadn’t thought her actions through.
Facing The Fire Page 12