The Things I Would Tell You

by Sabrina Mahfouz

  The Things I Would Tell You

  The Things I Would Tell You

  British Muslim Women Write

  Edited by Sabrina Mahfouz

  SAQI

  Published 2017 by Saqi Books

  Copyright © Sabrina Mahfouz 2017

  Sabrina Mahfouz has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.

  Copyright for individual texts rests with the authors.

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  ISBN 978-0-86356-146-7

  eISBN 978-0-86356-151-1

  A full CIP record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Printed and bound by CPI Mackays, Chatham, ME5 8TD

  Saqi Books

  26 Westbourne Grove

  London W2 5RH

  www.saqibooks.com

  Contents

  Introduction

  Fadia Faqir, Under the Cypress Tree

  Amina Jama, Home, to a Man and other poems

  Chimene Suleyman

  Cutting Someone’s Heart Out with a Spoon

  Us

  Aliyah Hasinah Holder, Sentence and other poems

  Kamila Shamsie, The Girl Next Door

  Imtiaz Dharker, The Right Word and other poems

  Triska Hamid, Islamic Tinder

  Nafeesa Hamid, This Body Is Woman

  Ahdaf Soueif, Mezzaterra

  Seema Begum, Uomini Cadranno

  Leila Aboulela, The Insider

  Shazea Quraishi, Fallujah, Basrah and other poems

  Shaista Aziz, Blood and Broken Bodies

  Miss L, Stand By Me

  Aisha Mirza, Staying Alive Through Brexit: Racism, Mental Health and Emotional Labour

  Hibaq Osman, The Things I Would Tell You and other poems

  Azra Tabassum, Brown Girl and other poems

  Selma Dabbagh

  Take Me There

  Last Assignment to Jenin

  Asma Elbadawi, Belongings and other poems

  Samira Shackle, My Other Half

  Sabrina Mahfouz, Battleface

  Hanan al-Shaykh, An Eye That Sees

  Biographies

  Credits

  Sabrina Mahfouz

  Introduction

  I felt upset and angered by the misrepresentations I encountered constantly and I felt grateful when a clear-eyed truth was spoken about us. And then again, who was ‘us’?

  And so the question is asked by Ahdaf Soueif in Mezzaterra in relation to being a Muslim living in the West – who was ‘us’? It is a question that has prompted the creation of the book you hold in your hands. At the time of writing, this question is one that a person of Muslim heritage living in the West cannot possibly ignore, even if they hadn’t previously given it much thought. Our media is deluged by stories about Muslim extremists; Muslim moderates condemning the actions of Muslim extremists; non-Muslims bemoaning the fact that not enough moderate Muslims are condemning the actions of extremist Muslims; the possibilities of your Muslim-nextdoor becoming radicalised, perhaps even at their local primary school. This coverage has now been compounded by post-Brexit reports of a catastrophic rise in Islamophobic attacks across Britain, the majority of which have been targeted at women. The monitoring group on anti-Muslim attacks, Tell MAMA, states on its website that the rise in Islamophobic assaults reported to it in 2015 was already up 326 per cent, with the majority of perpetrators being young white males. There has also been a significant increase in hate crimes on public transport and social media, which many analysts view as unprecedented.

  In some areas of the country, including London, women who wear Islamic clothing have reported being unable to leave the house for fear of abuse. ‘Islamic clothing’ could cover anything from a loose-fitting headscarf to a niqab (veil covering all of the face apart from the eyes) or an abaya (full-length, sleeveless outer garment). As one of the many thousands of women in this country with both a Muslim heritage and an aesthetic that can be easily assimilated into a European identity, who chooses to wear clothing that is not explicitly Islamic (though I do usually wear a head covering of sorts, as do many from other cultures), I am in the privileged position of not being a target for these attacks based on appearance.

  In the face of such genuine cause for fear, it seems difficult to employ the arts in a truly effective and empowering way. However, one of the aims of this anthology is to dispel the narrow image of what a Muslim woman – particularly a British Muslim woman – looks and lives like. All of the contributors in this book identify as having both a British and a Muslim background or association, regardless of their birthplace, citizenship status or religiosity. The writers were born in or have parentage from countries including France, Iraq, Pakistan, India, Egypt, Lebanon, Jordan, Palestine, Sudan, Somalia and Iran and yet they live, love, create and work in Britain.

  Some of the writers featured in this anthology have made public proclamations about the importance of Islam in all aspects of their life; some are passionately secular; and others relate to Islam purely in terms of a cultural tradition that they have inherited. If we can offer an alternative to the current homogenous narrative of British Muslim identity – an alternative that is broadly representative rather than fabricated for political purposes – real change could be made in the lives of those who, as in Chimene Suleyman’s powerful story, Us, may be shouted at in the street, made to feel paralysed, threatened, unwelcome and, most heart-breakingly, scared for their loved ones in the very place they were born, live or work.

  As gloomy as all this is, the words in the forthcoming pages are threaded together by a glow of strength, solidarity, possibility and hope. In Kamila Shamsie’s funny and sparkling short story The Girl Next Door, two young women with seemingly vastly different lives end up forming an unexpected and heart-warming connection. In Selma Dabbagh’s devastatingly touching and intense short stories Take Me There and Last Assignment to Jenin, romantic love (problematic though it may be) is shown to have a place even in the most unjustly besieged of locations. The poems of Imtiaz Dharker fizz with irony, cheekiness and a determination to challenge the status quo. Miss L’s Stand By Me is a hilarious but saddening account of trying to follow her dreams of becoming an actor as a British woman of Middle-Eastern heritage. It shows how far the creative industries – who often like to think of themselves as more progressive than others – have to go in terms of widening the representation of non-white people, especially minority women.

  Important themes are tackled in this anthology, sometimes explicitly, as in the case of Shaista Aziz’s searing Blood and Broken Bodies, a damning account of honour killings in Pakistan. Aisha Mirza’s viscerally absorbing memoir of following the EU Referendum far from home, Staying Alive Through Brexit: Racism, Mental Health and Emotional Labour, succinctly explores many of the difficult issues the title suggests. They are also presented in more subtle ways, shown through the apposite choice of metaphor, geographical backdrop and character in Hibaq Osman’s collection of poems, one of which also provided the title for this anthology. They are there in each line of dialogue in Leila Aboulela’s play The Insider, set in Algeria, which follows some of the Arab characters featured briefly in Albert Camus’s The Outsider through the ages to the modern day.

  In creating this anthology, it was vitally important to me that the reader was offered a range of narratives and writing styles – fiction, memoir, opin
ion, poetry, drama – that reflect the breadth and richness of these women writers’ work. The narratives take place across the globe: the authors take us from Karachi to Algiers, Palestine to New York, Yemen to Somalia and, eventually, we end up rooted in Britain.

  Through these different mediums we meet characters such as Hanan al-Shaykh’s Tareq in An Eye That Sees, a Yemeni attendant at the V&A Museum in Kensington; the Iraqi children born in the aftermath of Britain’s bombing of Fallujah in Shazea Quraishi’s poetry; and the young women who are digitally searching for love in Triska Hamid’s exploration of Islamic Tinder. Fadia Faqir’s Doris, in the short story Under the Cypress Tree, is a delightful seaside character grappling with ageing, death, a constantly changing Britain and the alien Bedouin with special powers, who moved in next door. Throughout her poems, Azra Tabassum presents varied and intimate reflections of family members and the emotions their expectations elicit. We go to the Midlands with Aliyah Hasinah Holder’s poems, which include a bruising account of the effect of a private prison opening in the local area. These writers all offer an energising and eye-opening exploration of people and place, whatever medium they employ.

  It was also important to include a mix of authors in terms of renown and experience. The anthology celebrates literary heavyweights such as Ahdaf Soueif, Kamila Shamsie, Leila Aboulela, Fadia Faqir and Hanan al-Shaykh. Between them, they have been short- or long-listed for four Orange Prizes, two Man Booker Prizes, and have won countless other awards and accolades for their work.

  Alongside these renowned authors are emerging and new voices of British women of Muslim heritage. Writers such as Chimene Suleyman, Hibaq Osman, Aisha Mirza and Samira Shackle are published and respected writers who work internationally, yet they are at the early stages of their careers and bring exceptional energy and experimentation to the pages that follow. Aliyah Hasinah-Holder, Asma Elbadawi, Nafeesa Hamid and Amina Jama are tremendously talented writers published here for the first time. In spite of their young ages, their work is complex and compelling. Asma Elbadawi and Amina Jama, at only eighteen years of age, were winners of a nationwide search in 2015 by BBC 1xtra and The Roundhouse for the best new performance poets. They spent a year being mentored by The Roundhouse in London and their work has since featured on radio, TV and online. Though she is still at university, Nafeesa Hamid’s honesty and observations are dynamic and thought-provoking.

  The contributors in this collection are an inspirational force. The fact that these women all have a British identity and a Muslim heritage is important, as the canon we are handed down and much of what is taught at school do not always provide those from diverse backgrounds with an opportunity to find writing that resonates with their own experiences. Nor does it lead them to writers who share similarities of background with them, allowing them to know that it is possible for them to write, to be published, to perform, to be read.

  I work with girls and young women at schools, as well as with charitable organisations all over the world, and I have been stunned by the difference it has made to the writing of those who wear the hijab, for example, to watch a YouTube video of a young woman wearing a hijab and reciting her poetry on stage. Seema Begum, who was fourteen years old at the time, wrote her poem Uomini Cadranno in one such workshop. She demonstrates how negative stereotypes can be defeated through the written word. It never fails to surprise me how much representation can empower and how much non- or misrepresentation can disempower. We should never underestimate this, and we must do whatever we can to challenge the current dominant narrative. Through the vast variations of style and content that exist in this anthology, I hope you find that the following pieces all do exactly that.

  London

  Destroy the whole world

  But leave London for me,

  For it is here I feel at ease,

  It is here that I am free.

  Triska Hamid

  Fadia Faqir

  Under the Cypress Tree

  She stepped out into the morning mist, a dark cloud extending and gathering like a swarm of flies. A veil, fixed with a band, covered her head and the collar of her padded jacket. The hem of her sharwal visible under her loose-fitting robe, her shoes flat. She shook the dust off her saddle bag, gathered her fardels and looked up. When Doris saw her weather-beaten skin, kohled-eyes and tattooed chin she held her breath and stepped back away from the window. A puff of cold air blew on Doris’s face. She blinked. All these layers of blackness, honestly. If she squatted next door she would bring the whole neighbourhood down to the level of whichever manhole she had crawled out of. Perhaps a bag lady with all of them colourful cloth bundles. How do you measure?

  The war had started. They were at the Marigold when her father spilt the tea on his crotch. He ran to the gents, swearing. Full of sugar it was hot and sticky. Suddenly her mother’s mood changed. Grey clouds rushed and gathered across the sky. Later her father, stocky and assured, sat on a deckchair smoking his pipe. He was a collier on the jetty and was given a few days break in Brighton. He came home tired, his eyes watering, lips tight, shirt black and shoe covers caked with dark mud. They overheard the couple on the next table talk about barbed wire on the shore and fortifications. It was pelting down when they ran back to the guesthouse carrying their beach bags and rugs.

  What with German bombers flying low above their heads Doris rarely stepped out of her flat. The most she did was water the lavender plant on the landing. She had to be extra careful now. While fiddling with the decorations something blocked the light and cast its shadow on the floor. It went cold, a chill that penetrated the very marrow of your bones. She had swirls and stars tattooed on her chin and she wore a few turquoise stones stringed together. Little cloth bags full of God-knows-what and feathers were knotted to her belt. The smell of dung and incense rose up.

  The crone’s teeth were yellow. ‘Good morning! The weather not bad today.’

  Doris pushed her glasses up and rubbed her arms. ‘Good morning.’

  She put the broom down. ‘I Bedouin. Name Timam, your neighbour.’

  Primitives rolled their eyes and bared their teeth on telly, somewhere in North Africa.

  ‘I go to market later, do you want anything?’ Her gold-clad tooth caught the sun.

  Doris ran out of milk and bread. She hesitated. ‘No, thank you.’

  Timam persevered. ‘What a lovely day! Cold, but sun. Is this Christmas tree?’

  What did she bleeding know about Christmas, fresh from the desert? ‘Glad you like it.’

  Timam sucked her teeth. ‘Honour meeting you.’

  Doris slammed the door then locked and bolted it. Out of breath she sat on her favourite chair, right next to the gas fire and adjusted the crochet covers on the armrests. She checked her memorabilia: a black and white photo of her in a swimming suit and sunglasses next to a handsome man in uniform, another of a dog, a porcelain Russian ballerina, and Winston Churchill wearing a hat, a white suit, a poppy in his lapel, holding a walking stick. She also read the list of important phone numbers: 999 for emergencies, doctor’s surgery, the Local Council, DineWise elderly food delivery.

  She fiddled with the knob of her temperamental radio until classical music floated out, a breeze of notes. Listening to the Waves of the Danube, she stretched her hands against the fire. It was spring. She was waltzing in a ballroom with a wooden floor and chandeliers with a man she barely knew. ‘A dance of too loose character for maidens to perform.’ Her narrowwaist taffeta dress tightened against her ribcage, restricting her breathing. A click of a lens. A young woman with blonde hair, red lips and dark eyelashes, legs shimmering in nylon tights, a cigarette in one hand and a glass of crème de cacao and gin in the other, leaning on the balcony of the King Alfred pub, watching the soldiers rushing in in herds. She lowered her glasses and ran her eyes over John’s waxed hair, large blue eyes, silly big ears and thin lips. With the back of her sleeve she wiped the glass frame and put the photo back on the side table. Spans. Spoons.

  ‘I
nsert two slices of bread in the toaster and watch them brown!’ Something that started with ‘s’ she ran out of often, a powder she knew she really liked. You spoon it then add it to tea. There was no milk in the fridge so she buttered the toast, put it with the mug of tea on a tray and took it to the sitting room. She switched the television on, had a sip then shouted, ‘Sugar!’

  The bell rang. The dark crone from upstairs stuck her face to the door viewer. ‘Move away! I cannot see you!’

  Timam stepped back and sucked her teeth.

  Doris slid the safety chain open and unlocked the door. ‘What do you want?’

  She flicked a green aromatic substance between her teeth. ‘I bought you milk from the old market. Here you are!’ She pushed it against her.

  ‘Are you chewing your snot? Honestly!’

  ‘No! How do you say? Cardamom!’

  ‘I see. . .’ Doris hesitated as she ran her fingers on the misty surface of the plastic bottle. She looked away then faced the beady kohled-eyes. ‘Thank you! That should do!’

  Timam gathered her robe and skittered away.

  Caddy jumped up then nibbled her foot. A black stocky dog, with a broad head, round eyes, small ears, saggy skin, that kept licking his snotty nostrils with his pink tongue. He waddled after her. The fire was lit and the kitchen was warm. Doris’s mother, still in her hat and coat, was drinking her Milo malt and cocoa and reading a magazine the lady she worked for in Chelsea had given her. Doris was eating a slice of cake and throwing the crumbs to Caddy. He chased them, collected them with his tongue then ate them snorting. ‘Don’t give him your food,’ her ma said and turned the page. ‘He’s so fat his tiny legs can barely carry him.’

  ‘But mother, he’s hungry.’

  ‘I just fed him the bones of yesterday’s broth.’ She inspected the magazine.

  Caddy licked her bare feet and looked up, pleading. She threw down bits of cake.