Chapter Fourteen
For the next week, something different happened in the morning. Instead of vomiting, Anna got an extremely ill feeling in her stomach and her limbs became loose and she felt as though she would pass out. When it hit her, she would just lean against something in the kitchen and breathe her way through it. There wasn’t as much pain as there was discomfort. Her stomach bile bubbled and tried to work its way up to her throat, but it was never the same vomiting as before.
This put Thomas’s mind at ease. When he didn’t see his wife sick anymore, his worries subsided. He ate his breakfast and went to work as normally planned. But Jo noticed and she tried her best to secretly help Anna through it. The routine was uncanny, the feeling, the way Anna’s mind raced, and then it would just go away. Anna would then eat a large breakfast and she’d have energy for the rest of the day. Each time Jo touched Anna and consoled her, Anna prayed Jo wouldn’t bring the subject of pregnancy up. Anna couldn’t handle it when she felt normal, let alone ready to vomit or pass out.
Another week went by, followed by another. Time was racing by for Anna. She continued to care for the house, for her family, and finally, Thomas Jr. had one of his teeth break through. The night it happened was a horrible night of the poor baby screaming for hours on end. Anna and Jo stayed up the entire night with him, taking turns walking and rocking him. It wasn’t until the early morning light of dawn did they see the tooth.
Jo had laughed and joked, “I guess my job is going to get a little more painful now!”
And Anna had to laugh at it too. She needed a good laugh. Never in her life did she feel so conflicted, not even when she was married to William. Watching Thomas work long hours and make good money, watching Jo now struggle sometimes to feed Thomas Jr., and now the changes in her own body. The changes she had to face.
The sickness in the morning slowly ended, but one morning as Anna cooked breakfast she felt her belly touch the basin in the kitchen. When it happened, Anna gasped and froze. She looked down, knowing she was in the same position she always stood. It wasn’t that Anna had gotten closer to the basin, it was that Anna’s stomach had done so. When nobody was looking, Anna rushed to the bedroom and lifted her dress to expose her stomach.
It was smooth but not flat.
Not flat.
“Not flat,” she whispered as tears rushed to her eyes.
She wasn’t bulging like a pregnant woman ready to give birth in minutes, but her stomach had certainly changed.
It was time to talk to Jo.
Then it would be time to talk to Thomas.
The rest of the morning Anna touched her stomach, unable to stop. She felt her stomach bump things it never would have a week ago and as far as her mind was concerned, she was massive now. She worried Thomas would notice and something bad would happen.
During breakfast, she looked at Jo and thought of something to say.
“Town,” she said “I... I’d like to go town today.”
“Do you need supplies?” Thomas asked.
“No,” Anna said.
“I bet your friend and sister wrote back by now,” Jo offered, saving Anna.
“Yes,” Anna said. “Yes.”
“I hope they did,” Thomas said. “I hope they write back.”
“I’ll go too,” Jo said. “We’ll take Thomas Jr. with us. He could use the trip. All those teeth coming through now, poor baby.”
“Just part of life,” Thomas said. “He’ll be eating his mother’s great cooking soon!”
Jo insisted on helping Anna clean up from breakfast and Anna welcomed it today, so they could get traveling as soon as possible. As much as Anna didn’t want to admit it, she needed to be away from Thomas for the moment to talk to Jo. To sort things out. To come to terms with whatever waited for her.
Anna held Thomas Jr. and Jo steered the carriage. They made it no more than a minute before Anna felt herself let go. She cried almost with the same passion as when William divorced her and her family started to abandon her.
“Oh, sweet Anna, you don’t need to weep over this,” Jo said.
“I’m pregnant, Jo!” Anna cried out. “I get it now.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m no longer very sick in the morning, but my stomach. I can feel it, Jo.”
“That’s a blessing,” Jo said. “The miracle of life.”
“That means I have to tell Thomas,” Anna said.
“You get to tell Thomas something beautiful. Something that maybe you two thought couldn’t happen. How is that not a blessing?”
Anna looked at Jo. “I was with William for a year. Nothing ever happened. Ever.”
It’s God’s way,” Jo said. “He does miraculous things every day.”
“But this?” Anna asked.
“What’s troubling you about it?”
“Thomas!” Anna cried out. “Don’t you see it, Jo?”
“See what?”
“I wrote to Thomas and explained my inability to conceive. I feel as though I’ve cheated him. I’ve lied, without meaning to do so.”
“And you believe Thomas doesn’t want a bigger family?”
“At what cost?”
That question seemed to hit home. Jo suddenly became silent. Thomas Jr. had his eyes open, looking beautiful and happy with the world. Anna stared down at the baby and took a deep breath.
Thomas Jr. smiled.
“What did Thomas have to give up to get this beautiful baby?” Anna asked, knowing Jo knew the answer.
“Anna...”
“What if it happens again?”
“Anna!” Jo said. “You can’t do that.”
“I can, Jo, I can. It’s happened. Did you see how worried Thomas got when I was sick in the mornings? And how he worried when Thomas was teething? He’s afraid of it. Of losing more. Of... death...”
And there it was, the truth.
And that truth lingered for a long time on the long ride. Anna knew Jo couldn’t say a word to fix it. All her faith and God’s will was well known, and not for a second did Anna lose faith or even think about challenging God. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t feel fear and worry. Not for herself, but for Thomas. When it came down to it, Anna would give her life for her family. She would trade her life for the life inside her. To know a baby would grow into a handsome man or beautiful woman. The same for Thomas Jr.. She’d trade her life for his, if need be. That was the motherly instinct Anna had began feeling the moment she saw Thomas Jr.. It occurred to Anna then that maybe her body was allowed to conceive because of Thomas Jr. and the miracle he was. What he meant. How he helped without knowing it.
“Jo, what will Thomas think or do?” Anna asked.
“He’ll be fine,” Jo said. “We’ll all be together through this. You. Me. Thomas. Thomas Jr. too.”
“He lost his first wife,” Anna said.
“Everyday men and woman die,” Jo said. “Every single day. They die in accidents, they die by sicknesses, they die naturally. Some die giving birth. Some mother’s live and their babies don’t make it. Does that mean we should give up living? Give up trying? Worry about death every waking second, Anna?”
“Of course not,” Anna said. “But when you’re looking at it...”
“You’re not facing death,” Jo said. “You have life... everywhere. You’re holding life in your arms right now. And you’re carrying life in your womb. My goodness, Anna, you are truly blessed right now.”
Anna paused for a minute to think about it. As she did, she looked around her, admiring the vast land of Kansas. She thought about being on the train to Kansas. How she knew her life would never be the same and how she didn’t know exactly what that meant. Of all the things that could have gone wrong, none of them did. Thomas accepted her with strong, loving arms. Thomas Jr. accepted her with small arms and big eyes. Everything was perfect.
“I’m sorry,” Anna whispered.
“Sorry for what?”
“For acting like t
his,” Anna said.
“Well, you know they say pregnancy toys with a woman’s emotions,” Jo said and laughed. “You’ll probably cry a lot. You’ll get mad, and then cry some more. You’ll need bigger clothes. We’ll need more supplies.”
“I’m going to be a mother,” Anna said.
“Sweet Anna, you already are.”
Anna looked down at Thomas Jr. and nodded. “Yes. I am. But I’ll get to carry a baby and deliver a baby...”
Once in town, Anna hurried to the post office and found two letters waiting for her. What a glorious day! She held the letters tight and took deep breaths. One from Mary. One from Abigail. She knew Mary’s handwriting compared to that of her sister and the handwriting fit Mary’s personality, if that made any sense at all.
“Are you going to read them now?” Jo asked.
“I want to,” Anna said.
“Why don’t you read them right now and then write back. Share your good news.”
“I shouldn’t. Not before telling my husband.”
“Thomas will know long before they receive any letters.”
It was a good point and one Anna couldn’t resist as Jo offered to take Thomas Jr. and walk around town for a little while, giving Anna a chance to read and write her letters. The kind woman at the post office even allowed Anna to sit in a chair and take her time. The woman at the post office was kind enough to give Anna pen and paper to write. Anna paid for the postage up front and then some, appreciating the opportunity to stay there and write. Anna appreciated how everyone accepted her, smiled at her, and cared for her. But before she could open one of the letters she wondered what everyone would think once they found out she was pregnant.
Would they pity Thomas all over again?
Would they be in fear for Thomas? For Anna?
Anna knew she needed to rid herself of those thoughts.
She started with Mary’s letter, needing to read her words. She’d know just what to say to make Anna smile and feel at home even more.
Anna -
I’ve waited for what feels like my entire life! I wasn’t sure if you’d write but I’m so happy you did. And to just imagine your voice brings a smile to my face. You sounded troubled in your letter, Anna, and I hope Thomas has become the man you need. I feel he will do so. A man who lives through tragedy and has to do so alone becomes a scarred man. That’s why it could only be you to marry Thomas, Anna. Only you. I’ll be honest for a moment - the day Henry (my dear brother who is still a terrible whistler!) came and told me William had left you, I felt pain. I felt anger! How dare a man put a time limit on a woman’s body! And life! But then I thought about those letters. From Josephine first, followed by Thomas himself. I knew then it was meant to be. That very same night, Anna, I prayed! I prayed to God to bring you to me. To bring your pain to me.
And it happened!
God is good right now, Anna, and I hope you feel that deep inside yourself.
Anna paused reading and looked down at her stomach. She touched her stomach and pressed, feeling the small belly that was going to grow each day now. She did feel something deep inside herself. Something from God. From Thomas. From the power of love.
She continued reading.
I also have to admit something else, Anna. I’ve been thinking of your sister quite a bit too. Right after reading your letter, I knew you’d found happiness. It may not have shown in the beginning of the letter, but at the end I knew you loved Thomas and I’m sure Thomas loves you right back. But that leaves your sister. What of her, Anna? Will she forever be in a house, grieving and alone? A woman that young, that beautiful, I couldn’t stand myself if I didn’t think of her. I hope you have written to her too. I miss you dearly, Anna, I really do.
Just so you know I’ll be waiting for your response! I hope one comes soon!
With love,
Mary (and Henry - who is standing behind me as I write this, still whistling those God awful notes!)
Anna folded the letter back up and held it to her heart and smiled. She hoped that maybe Abigail and Mary could meet. If there was one person in the world who could understand Abigail, it was Mary.
Now it was time for Abigail’s letter. Anna found her hands shaking as she opened the letter, worried what her sister would think of her. What her parents would think of her. Worse yet, what kind of condition was everyone in?
My sister Anna,
I went to town and a letter waited for me. From you! I let out a cry, so loud, that the woman rushed to me, fearing I had injured myself. I did not expect to hear from you. I was happy to read your letter.
You’ve made me happy and proud with your letter, sister Anna. You took a risk and found love. I now wait for another letter, to learn more of your new life. To learn more of your new love. And of course, how that baby is growing! I did show our parents the letter. They are at peace now. When I came back home, alone, they weren’t as surprised as they were concerned for you. Mother took too much guilt upon herself but has since snapped out of it thanks to your letter. Father works countless hours, struggling, but he has a happiness about him now. I won’t paint the perfect picture here because I am the one now, Anna, who feels like the burden. I feel in the way. I feel as though my life has stopped. I read your letter once a day. I think about the woman and her brother you mentioned, but how can I do that? How I can find another man to marry? To touch me? What will become of John? His memory makes my heart ache, Anna.
I’m sorry, I don’t want this letter to worry you. I must insist you shed no tears over me! Promise me that right now! No tears for poor Abigail!
I have nothing more to write, Anna. I will wait for your next letter, which I hope will come.
Love,
Abigail
Anna folded that letter up but didn’t have the same feeling as she had with Mary’s letter. That came as no surprise. She knew her big sister still lived in pain over the death of her husband and it was no man or woman’s job to judge Abigail. Only Abigail and God could settle that. But Anna could help with words at least.
Anna started with a letter to Abigail. She knew the letter was going to be short and she knew her words had to be carefully chosen. Celebrating the pregnancy could perhaps only push Abigail deeper, not to mention Anna’s own embedded fear of what had happened to Thomas’s first wife after giving birth to Thomas Jr..
Abigail -
I still miss my big sister!
And yes, I’ve found happiness where I am. True happiness. With love. With hope. With passion. And I know you could have the same, Abigail. But that’s your path you must travel. I can only offer my words and my support. I have written to Mary and she has responded, mentioning you, Abigail. She wants to meet you. Mary does NOT push a woman into a marriage. Her service is not that for monetary benefit. It aids Mary’s soul (which I believe has its own tragic past, but I’ve never asked).
I wish for you to someday speak with Mary. On your own time and want.
I write now with not many words to offer, big sister, for I fear you will grow less in love with your own life. But I have to share news that will come as a shock.
I’m with child, Abigail!
With child.
Yes.
I’m well aware of how it happened but not sure why it did. That entire year with William and nothing. But being married to Thomas... maybe it’s the truth of happiness that does it, I can’t be sure. But I am carrying a child in my womb. I’ve been sick but better now. My stomach is already changing and I can feel it.
I hope this excites you, Abigail. You’ll be an aunt! But more than that, you can see what happens. How it can happen. The right opportunity. The right man. Even with pain in our hearts, it can happen.
I love you and miss you dearly, Abigail. The same for our parents.
I, too, will now wait for your response!
Love,
Anna
Anna folded the letter and filled out the information needed and handed it to the woman at the post offi
ce. After a few minutes of thinking about Abigail, wishing her sister could come to Kansas and find love, Anna knew her only choice was to write the letter to Mary. To share the good news of her pregnancy and then speak of Abigail.
Which she did.
She explained to Mary all that happened, from getting sick and feeling the panic of an actual illness and how Jo had talked her down and explained it was pregnancy. Anna wrote how even after that, she refused to believe she carried a child and it wasn’t until that day, as she and Jo rode to town did she come to terms with the truth of the changes happening in her body, her heart – her mind. Anna even felt comfortable enough casually mentioning the physical changes and how it felt when she and Thomas were together. Anna’s cheeks burned as she wrote it.
Then came the chance to speak of Abigail again. Anna left it short, but mentioned how Abigail admitted her own pain over the loss of her husband and how she feared a new husband would be a replacement. Anna could speak to those feelings, but Mary could handle it much better.
The letter came out much longer than Abigail’s but that was expected.
Once Anna was done in the post office, she walked through town slowly, keeping both hands on her stomach. With each step, she felt the small bump of her belly. After walking just a few minutes, she felt her body becoming sore. In the most sensitive of areas too. When she saw Jo, talking to a man who held Thomas Jr., Anna went to investigate.
“Oh, there she is,” Jo said and waved to Anna. “Anna, come meet someone.”
Anna walked to the Jo and the man, casually moving her hands off her stomach. She didn’t want to give anything away just yet, but she knew if a breeze pushed hard enough at her dress, the small bump of her belly might be seen.
“Well, isn’t it just a great pleasure to meet you, Anna,” the man said.
“I’m sorry,” Anna said, “but I...”
“This is Dr. Hibert,” Jo said.
Anna’s eyes widened and she accepted the man’s handshake.
“Doctor,” she whispered.
“Yes, that’s me. Don’t mind my age, I do have a steady hand!”
Jo laughed and Anna felt her heart racing.
“Jo’s been telling me quite a bit about you,” Dr. Hibert said.
Anna looked at Jo. She wouldn’t have told Dr. Hibert anything, right? Not about the pregnancy. That was private knowledge and Thomas deserved to know before anyone else.
“Oh,” Anna managed to say.
“I must say, it is really heartwarming to know Thomas Jr. here has taken to you,” Dr. Hibert said. “I was there, obviously, when everything happened. A terrible situation, Anna, I’m sure you can agree.”
“Yes,” Anna said.
“But look what we have now,” Jo said.
“A family,” Dr. Hibert said. “Yes, a family.”
Thomas Jr. let out a little cry in protest and Jo said, “I think we need to start traveling home now.”
“Yes, we should,” Anna said. “I want to make Thomas something to eat soon.”
“Well don’t let me hold you up,” Dr. Hibert said. “And Anna, if you need anything, you be sure to come see me.”
The look in the man’s eyes suggested he wanted to give Thomas a healthy baby and bring him to his healthy wife. Of course, that’s what Anna wanted to, but certain things in life weren’t in her control. Or Dr. Hibert’s.
Some things were left in the hands of God.
The ride home was quiet, leaving Anna to come to terms with one thing.
Tonight, she would tell Thomas of her pregnancy. And she hoped, by God, that he would be as happy as she wanted him to be.
West For Love (A Mail Order Romance Novel) (1) (Anna & Thomas) Page 15